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Jun 16
condoms against a blue background

I hate condoms

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I’m 23 and in a new relationship. I had cancer aged 12 and lost my right leg from the knee down. I’m comfortable in my own skin and after a few pints I’m confident enough to chat up girls and get laid. I’ve been dating someone I really like but she insists on using condoms, and I really hate condoms. I still have check-ups, but the specialist is God fearing and ages with my Grandad, so asking questions about sex feels weird. I reckon with all the chemo I had my tadpoles will not be champion swimmers. How can I find that out so we can ditch the condoms?

Cheers,

Joe.

Our Answer

Hi, thanks so much for writing in!

Honestly? You’re probably not going to like my response but, until your relationship is more established, I think your partner has a very good point. Condoms don’t just prevent pregnancy, they prevent STI’s too. As well as having sex, a new relationship is about gaining trust. And regardless of how many check-ups you have, your girlfriend probably just wants to keep herself safe – and good for her!

What do you hate condoms? If it’s the fit or feel, there are loads of different sizes and textures on the market. Try and be playful about it, seeing which ones feel the best for both of you. Find out where you can get free condoms via this NHS link. 

three condoms in blue, red and silver wrappers

Then, we’d suggest attending your next check up with your girlfriend. Ask to see a different specialist if possible to talk about the impact chemotherapy may or may not have had on your fertility. Or just drop in at your local sexual health clinic, where you can both chat about your worries, concerns, and explore all types of contraception. Only condoms protect against STIs though, so that part really is a trust thing! Build on that, and the rest might just follow. If you sign up to our Undressing Disability Hub for free, you can access our free resource on all types of contraception.

Love Lounge Team x

Learn More & Join Our Hub

We get lots of questions to our Love Lounge. We answer each individual one privately, then make them anonymous and publish here to help more people. Use the search box on our website to look for a specific topic e.g. disclosing disability, or accessible sex positions. If we can help you, then email us. 

Join us on twitter @ETUKUndressing or Instagram @UndressingDisability. You can also join our Undressing Disability Hub for free.

 

Next question
Jun 02
A brown haired woman presses her hands over her eyes exhausted with her glasses resting on her head. Her shoulders are visible and she wears a multicoloured top

Sex, Chronic Pain and Fatigue

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I want to ask about sex, chronic pain and fatigue. I really want sex with my partner, but I might need antibiotics and a few days in bed to recover. I get so frustrated that I have to wonder if the price of doing it is worth it? I feel like I should always be able to offer sex, but I know that it will cause me pain for days. I worry about how this impacts my relationship with the man I love. I’m writing in to ask for any tips you may have!

Thanks,
Belle

 

Our Answer

Hi Belle,

Thanks for writing to us, we get a lot of questions about sex, chronic pain and fatigue.

You’ll have discovered that advice is often targeted towards erectile dysfunction, inability to reach orgasm, or fertility problems which won’t answer your question. On our Undressing Disability Hub, we have a more detailed resource on sex, chronic pain and fatigue (it’s free) for anyone who might want more insight. Here I’m going to focus on what you’ve asked for… some practical tips.

A brown haired woman presses her hands over her eyes exhausted with her glasses resting on her head. Her shoulders are visible and she wears a multicoloured top

Honesty

Find a way to effectively communicate with your partner, letting them know how much energy you have in the tank right now. What you are capable of doing, and whether you’re willing to go ahead and have a great time even if it means you pay for it the day after.  Don’t be too proud, you don’t have to power through all the time.  Revealing your vulnerabilities can often be very bonding for you and your partner.

Positions

If your body has changed because of a chronic condition or disability, then using toys or props might help. It may be easier for you to strategically position pillows for support or comfort. Try new positions that take pressure off certain joints or require less flexibility. Don’t feel you have to over perform to impress if it causes you pain. When you’re not relaxed and enjoying it, your partner will sense your pain and therefore not benefit from your gymnastics anyway!

If dexterity and pain is an issue, using toys on yourself or your partner may take the strain from you doing so much. Let the toy do some of the work! (This article on sex toys for those with dexterity issues may help.)

Preparation

Taking painkillers 30—60 minutes before you’re going to get down to it, may relieve some stiffness and pain.  The next day, take painkillers to manage the potential flare up after your activity.  Keep on top of it so your mind doesn’t always associate sex with pain.  This may help keep you relaxed for the future too. Pain might be inevitable but if you pre-empt it, or fear it, the tension will only make it worse.

Warm/hot showers

Shower solo or together to soothe the body’s aches and pains. Massage can relax those muscles, ease joint pain, enliven nerve endings and be bonding for both of you.  Even if you don’t take it any further.

a shower with water coming out - Sex, Chronic Pain and Fatigue

Timings

When are you most fatigued and most in pain? Try and plan your sexy time to optimise your experience, based on when is best for you.

Reassurance

Either from a clinician or yourself to your partner that they won’t make you worse (let’s say a heart condition where they fear sexual activity might be too much for you).

Don’t just focus on intercourse!

Find other ways to be intimate. Dance together, shower or bath together. Cuddle up, stroke each other or massage. Take time out for romance – candles, putting down your phones and actually looking at each other, sharing feelings and talking. This can all build intimacy and connection, without you paying the price for a having a bit of nookie and enduring pain for a few days.  If penetration is likely to cause horrid UTI’s, then these options are great for avoiding that, when you just can’t tolerate another course of antibiotics!

I hope that helps. Access the free resource on Sex, Chronic Pain and Fatigue via our Undressing Disability Hub. It’s free to join and free to download a wide range of valuable resources.

All the best,

Zoe x

Stay Connected

Join the online conversation by following us on twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability 

 

 

Next question
May 19
A graphic of a dark haired man and woman in bed together sleeping

Virginity, Sex, Disability and Safety.

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hello,

I tripped upon your organization while looking up sex and cerebral palsy on YouTube. I’m writing to you about losing my virginity, sex, disability and safety.

I am 51 years old, spastic quadriplegic born with cerebral palsy and use a power wheelchair for mobility. I’ve had a couple crushes when I was a teenager and in college but that was it. My parents never talked to me about sex other than the most basic education of how one becomes pregnant and the high school sex Ed.

I would like to experience sex before I die, but I also don’t believe in sex unless I am in a long-term relationship. I have been struggling for many years with several health challenges that have made my cerebral palsy worse and left me with unmanaged chronic pain. Due to my multiple health challenges and many family issues I do not have the ability or interest to go out to bars. I am also scared about my safety in dating a man. For example what do I do if I want to have a little privacy to be intimate but due to disability you can’t get away if it becomes more than you want and the other person doesn’t respect that. What do you do?

I’m really embarrassed to email you this but thankful that there is this platform. I feel like a freak!

G x

 

Our Answer

Hi G,

It took great courage for you to write into us and I’m so glad you reached out. I can feel your predicament here in being caught up in a bit of a moral dilemma. Also, you have some big practical issues which are making it more difficult for you.

It would be useful to know more about your family issues which you say are urgent and making it less likely for you to go out. Understanding this, I may be able to see how you could overcome this. Also, if you have any carer that works with you. As they may be able to facilitate you getting out socially and also make you feel safer if meeting someone.

Hearing your concerns, it seems to me that it comes down to a choice of what is your biggest priority now. Is it about losing your virginity? Or is it doing the act within a long-term relationship or marriage?

Currently, with the situation as you describe, it sounds like it will be difficult for you to be getting out and meeting someone. This can take a lot of  effort at the best of times, so with your family difficulties, meeting the right person could take even longer.  Are you willing to wait quite a while longer to lose your virginity within a loving relationship?

If you don’t want to wait, there’s the option of seeking out a sexual encounter, perhaps not in a relationship. This is where it would completely depend on how you feel going against your current beliefs about the parameters within which a sexual relationship should be conducted.  And if you feel you would be comfortable undertaking such an experience.

a graphic of a mobile phone with a person and lovehearts in white and the background is pink

In the UK a charity called TLC have sex workers who work with disabled clients. Exactly for the reasons you say. They guarantee safety and can offer a ‘boyfriend/girlfriend experience’ too. Here is the link to their website. https://tlc-trust.org.uk/

It may be that you could take it slow and steady rather than going full steam ahead on the first time.  There is a cost to this service and it’s quite expensive but the workers are trustworthy and experienced in working with disabled clients.

If this isn’t a consideration for you, maybe try internet dating to try and engage with someone, building a rapport before taking it further. Again, if you have a friend or a carer you can trust, they could go out with you the first time you meet your date. You mention your fear around someone wanting to go further than you want, and how do you stay safe. You’re right, we are more vulnerable as disabled daters and have to think of more options to keep safe.  I would suggest a friend or carer being in the same location as you, but not sitting near you to allow you some privacy and normality for you and your date. If you needed help,  your friend can keep an eye on things and it would be easy to catch their attention. They can then ‘rescue’ you from any awkward situation.

With internet dating there’s another dilemma we all face. Do we declare our disability openly and attract those who are open to dating someone disabled? Or don’t declare it, attract more people, get talking to some people first, then drop the disabled bomb?!

The world of dating and disability can be a minefield. But it can also be fun. Losing your virginity is an important human right and feeling stopped from doing so is deeply frustrating.  Ultimately, it’s your choice with how you wish to go about it.  I just hope your current living situation allows you to make a free choice. It is your body and your life after all. Do what feels right for you.

Best regards,

Zoe

Keep up to date with all Love Lounge chat and our campaigns by connecting with us on twitter @ETUKUndressing or on Instagram @UndressingDisability  

If you’d like to get our experts advice with your own dilemma feel free to get in touch. 

 

Next question
Mar 10
Different Sexual Tests - a bed with handcuffs and a vanilla ice-cream

Different Sexual Needs

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

My partner and I have different sexual needs. We are both disabled and before getting together had limited sexual experiences. We’ve been together for almost a year and are very open with each other and comfortable in our own skins. It’s fair to say we really love each other and want this relationship to last. The problem is that there’s one thing in particular that really excites her, and it is a complete turn off for me. I have attempted to go along with it, but she knows I’m not into it and it ruins the moment and causes an argument.

It’s becoming an issue and our sex life is suffering. How do we get over this?

Thanks,

Billy

(Billy’s name has been changed and he recieved a private response prior to this Q&A being published.)

Our Answer

 

Hi Billy,

It sounds like you have a strong, happy relationship despite your different sexual needs. I’m encouraged that you’re very open and comfortable with each other. This will hopefully set you in good stead for resolving this issue.

Sexual compatibility is about the shared feelings that you and your partner have about your needs, desires, wants and beliefs around sex.

What To Do When You Have Different Sexual Needs

Ultimately, you and your partner will have to discuss how far each of you are willing to compromise. This will involve very honest, open, frank discussions. And lots of trial and error. It is vital that each of you always feel respected and gives consent.
If you can work together towards a shared goal, this will help. Set some targets, keep giving feedback about how you’re feeling. It needs to be something that you both are keen to achieve, not something that will make you feel under more pressure. Currently it sounds like you’ve tried to fulfil her need but she isn’t enjoying the fact that you’re not enjoying it. That’s a good indicator that you want your love-making to be enjoyable for both of you and your partner isn’t being selfish about her needs.

The Dangers of Forcing The Issue

With different sexual needs, sometimes one person might think that if the couple tries a particular act many times, the other person will get used to it and enjoy it. This isn’t always the case. Doing this can cause trauma and irreversible damage.

So, the compromise, or solution, that you find together will be whatever you BOTH find acceptable, and perhaps fulfilling for both too. No one should be forced to do something they don’t want to and equally if someone is constantly sacrificing what they’d really want to do, it will build up huge resentment.

What If We Can’t Resolve It?

The key is to recognise that both of your feelings count. When in a relationship with another, your partner’s feelings are just as important as yours. By working within this frame, you will have mutual respect and are more likely to share your honest feelings with each other knowing they will be safe and valued. If your opinion of something differs, that’s ok, but to dismiss the other person’s opinion or feelings as not mattering, then begins a problem which will just push you further apart.

Ignoring the disparity between two people’s sexual tastes will never work. The problem will become bigger and impact on other areas of the relationship. If you are unable to find a mutual compromise, then therapy will help to repair resentments. It will offer a safe space for you both to share your feelings and concerns, without shame, accusation, or guilt. The therapist will facilitate each partner to be heard and will notice patterns and hidden meaning in what you’re both saying. (Learn more about what sexual therapy involves in this episode of Undressing Disability Podcast.)

How sexually different are you?

If it seems impossible to find compromise or your tastes are far too different, it may be time to call an end to a relationship. If you are both unable to satisfy each other, is it fair to stay in a relationship full of resentment, frustration, and angst?

If your different sexual needs were a matter of frequency, and you’re near the desired target of your partner, then compromise would probably be easy to achieve. However, if your partner is into kink and you’re into vanilla and neither are wanting to compromise by doing a bit of both, then it will be much harder to make it work.

Both could set each other free to find a partner whose sexual tastes are more compatible. And therefore, you may be more fulfilled in a different relationship that matches your needs. This wouldn’t be an easy choice and would be the last resort, but sometimes the gap is just too vast.

With your desire to stay together and your openness and love you have for each other; I feel you will manage to have the important talks. Respect for each other will be key here.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a compromise!

Zoe

 

Got a question our Love Lounge team can help with? Get in touch.

Keep up to date with all our latest Love Lounge questions, podcasts, blogs and campaigns by joining us on Instagram and twitter. #UndressingDisability.

 

Next question
Mar 10
My partner hates my vibrator - red and black lacy knickers with a black vibrator positioned on the top

Partner Hates My Vibrator

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi Love Lounge,

My partner hates my vibrator and well, I love it and don’t wanna to give it up. I also don’t wanna give up my boyfriend as he’s kind and funny and genuinely a good guy. I have limited mobility in my fingers and have always used vibrators, they hit the spot every time.

I’d never really mentioned it to my boyfriend, but he found one in the bedside drawer and was very annoyed about it. He says I shouldn’t need it now that I’ve got him and stropped off in the huff.  He’s usually pretty laid back, so I laughed thinking he was joking but no, deadly serious.

He isn’t a talker and I’m struggling to understand the issue here or how to approach it with him. Can you help me out?

Thanks, Lisa

(Names have been changed for anonymity and we send a private answer prior to publishing here on the blog.)

Our Answer

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for getting in touch with us. First up, you are definitely not alone! ‘My partner hates my vibrator’ are words we hear regularly at the Love Lounge.

The main reason for this is that a partner can feel inadequate or jealous if you are able to orgasm with a toy easier than you can with them. They might think that you prefer the toy to them. The size of vibrator you use could also make them feel self-conscious about how they physically compare.

The first thing I would suggest is to try and talk to your partner about it. Explain why you like using a vibrator but reassure him that it is not a replacement for him. Explain that you use a vibrator because of your mobility issues and that it makes masturbation easier and more pleasurable.

The next step then could be to introduce sex toys when you are having sex. For example using your vibrator whilst your partner watches. The other option is to invite your partner to use it on you which may help him feel more involved and less threatened by it.

Couples Toys

You could also try a couples’ toy. Here are a few examples of products that you could use together.

The Hot Octopuss Atom Cock Ring is very powerful cock ring and enhances pleasure for both partners.

The Satisfyer Double Joy is a great product that can be used whilst having sex. It can also be used for Solo Play with your partner controlling it using a Smart Phone App.

You could also buy him his own Sex Toy that he can either use on his own or you could use on him.

A good product to start with would be the Tenga Egg Masturbator. The super stretch material gives the user a different sensation when masturbating. There is a wide range of different textures available but this one has little hearts embossed on it.

Another product is the Fleshlight Stamina Unit which is a great Sex Toy for someone with a penis.

Stay Connected.

If you have a dating dilemma or question that relates to sex and disability get in touch. Follow us on twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability. You can also join our Undressing Disability Hub for free. It’s a friendly network of experts, researchers and people who have an interest in learning more about sex and disability. There’s free resources to download too.

 

Next question
Mar 10
A woman with a disabled partner - she has brown curly hair leans down and puts her arms around a blonde man in a black top, they look lovingly at each other and smile

Family Reaction To My Relationship with a Disabled Guy

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I need your advice on my family’s reaction to my relationship with a disabled guy. My parents have met my partner numerous times over the past year, and we all get along well. Last month we moved in together and plan to get married. My Dad has suddenly gone a bit weird about it all, asking questions like “Who will put up shelves for you, and who will cut the grass? I’ve pointed out that its not 1950 and that I can put up shelves and cut the grass but he’s still going on about it.

My partner knows there’s something upsetting me but I haven’t told him about my Dad’s comments yet. I’m not quite sure how to handle that conversation as he loves my folks. It’s really upsetting that my Dad is being off when it should be a happy time for us. Help please!

Ellen x

Our Answer

Hi Ellen,

Thanks for opening up about this scenario. I think it is more common than you may think, although that doesn’t make it feel any easier for you!
Being in a relationship with a disabled partner can indeed bring practical problems. But there are invariably solutions to most of them. Your parents naturally want their daughter to be looked after well but your Dad is focussing on what your partner can’t do!

The generations before us had their jobs clearly divided into ‘blue and pink’ jobs. Many of us now subscribe to that notion less and less. Perhaps your Dad’s perception is that to be the ‘man of the house’ you have to put up shelves and mow the lawn. This is how he felt he supported the family and looked after his girls. Doing these blue jobs validated him as a husband and father.

I wonder if it might be worth a chat with him about this way of thinking – as this isn’t necessarily dependent on your partners disability. You could have a non-disabled partner who is useless at putting up shelves!

I would also consider mentioning this to your Dad – what would happen if you married a non-disabled person and then they became a wheelchair user? You would naturally have to adapt to a new way of life as he may no longer be able to do these tasks. I doubt your Dad would encourage you to leave them because they can no longer mow a lawn.

It sounds like your Dad is a little fearful of the future and has gone into fatherly protective mode.
A simple, adult to adult chat to reassure him may be all he needs.

I think not getting angry or defensive will help you. It appears this is really coming from a place of concern from your Dad rather than a place of mean prejudice. A gentle talk, with confidence and assertion from yourself about how you will manage the household and the relationship as a whole, will allay his fears. It’s encouraging that he gets on well with your partner and has known him for a year. Your Dad will have seen the lovely attributes of your boyfriend; those you’ve fallen in love with. Hence why being in a relationship with a disabled partner doesn’t bother you, as it is about much more than practicalities of a disability.

It’s great that your partner really likes your parents, and I can understand why you may not want to disclose your Dad’s comments.  It could hurt your partner and emasculate him perhaps.  Or conversely, he may totally empathise with your Dad and be willing to talk to him to reassure him.  He may express how he contributes to the partnership and what that looks like to him.  His dedication, emotional support, commitment, love – all more important than him making Wimbledon-quality lawns!

And hey, if it’s such an issue, or your partner fancies mowing – he could always get hoisted up on to a ride-on one 😉

Good luck with the chats.  I have every confidence this can be easily sorted with a bit of empathy and compassion from both sides!

Zoe x

Stay Connected

Got a question for our Love Lounge team? Please contact us and we’ll do our best to help. Follow us on twitter and Instagram to keep up to date with all our goings on. Join our Undressing Disability Hub to learn more about sex and disability and to access free resources. #UndressingDisability #LoveLoungeUK

 

Next question
Feb 24
Image of a man wearing jeans undoing his zip

Disability and Male Masturbation Toys

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hello.

Do you have any suggestions to help with my disability and male masturbation? My girlfriend is awesome but has a much lower sex drive than me. I’ve always LOVED to masturbate but have no use of my hands due to searing pain, therefore, I cant touch myself. It is driving me mad honestly! And I’ve been unable to ejaculate either since a SCI (Spinal Chord Injury) nearly 3 years ago. I have female carers 24/7. Any tips please?

Thanks
John.

Our Answer

Thanks for contacting us John. I have given your question about disability and male masturbation toys a bit of thought. There are few different male masturbation products that will hopefully give you a pleasurable experience and help you to reach orgasm on your own.

The products I have listed below do not need a lot of hand dexterity. Here is some information about them and links to where you can purchase.

Male Masturbation Products

  • The Quest range of products has been developed by Enhance the UK and leading sex toy manufacturer Rocks Off. It features two masturbators for people with a penis. Elevate is a stretchy cock ring which can be used over the shaft or fingers while accommodating all body types to maximise sensations.

 

  • Quest also features the Discover wands which can be used in multiple different ways including as a penis stroker thanks to one of the detachable heads.
  • A boxed "Elevate" sex toy from the quest range. The box is orange, purple and blue, and the sex toy is displayed on the front.The Hot Octopuss Pulse range of products were designed for people with SCIs’ in mind to help them reach orgasm and ejaculate. The Design of the Pulse toys even work if you do not have an erection. They require no use of hands once the toy is in place and turned on. Some of the Pulse models come with remote controls which make it even easier to use.

 

  • Another option is the Suck O-Mat 2 Sucking machine. Once the penis is in the sleeve it gives hands free pleasure. It can be controlled by remote control so can also be controlled by your partner as well. It is mains powered which means it is powerful, producing up to 200 suction impulses a minute.

 

  • The Handy is marketed as the ultimate Hand Job machine which is another powerful mains powered Masturbator. The Handy comes with a dotted sleeve but can also be attached to other sleeves. It can also be controlled over the internet and also synchronised to some of the videos on the website. The handy is also compatible with a VR Headset.

Disability and male masturbation - the Handy

  • There are also products like the Ferticare 2.0 which is a powerful medical vibrator which has been designed to help men with spinal cord injury to achieve ejaculation.

 

I know a lot of men who have Spinal Cord injuries cannot ejaculate and even using these products may not change that. I would also recommend talking to your doctor before using the more powerful toys to rule out the possibilities of any complications with your SCI i.e. Autonomic Dysreflexia.

I hope this advice helps and if you have any other questions please feel free to get back in touch.

Kind regards

Damian

 

Send Your Questions To The Love Lounge

The Love Lounge team are here to help so get in touch if you’d like advice or need more information on a topic.

Our panel of sexperts have a range of different disabilities, experiences and knowledge. We’ll do our utmost to find a solution for your dating dilemmas, sex education questions or  relationship worries. Please don’t be shy about asking a question, we genuinely want to help. All questions are answered privately, and then we remove any personal details and publish here on our blog with the goal of helping others who may be searching for similar insights.

Stay Connected

Follow our Undressing Disability campaign on social media. Find us on twitter @ETUKUndressing or on Instagram @UndressingDisability. #UndressingDisability

Next question
Feb 17
Sex when you have a live-in PA A man kisses a womans neck as she lies on a bed, their hands are entwined

Sex when you have a live-in PA

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hello,

My question is about sex when you have a live-in PA as I worry about the thought of having sex when she’s around. I’ve been a wheelchair user for 8 years and haven’t had a sexual relationship in this time. It has become a big issue for me because I always have a live-in PA.

I worry about how I can have sex – either in a relationship or a one-night stand because I don’t know how the logistics will work. I’m not very sexually open/confident and the thought of my PA knowing I’m having sex in the other room freaks me out.

Also, would they have to get me on the bed in preparation? I just feel it’s going to ruin any sexy moment and what will the guy think of me? I’ll feel unsexy and like a child being helped.

Hoping you can give me some advice or support if you’ve had any experience of this before?

Steph, 30.

Our Answer

Hi Steph,

Thanks so much for writing to us! We often get asked this question about sex when you have a live-in PA.

There are a couple of things here; how close you feel with your live-in PA and if you have different ones? And, about owning your right to have a sex life. At ETUK we believe everyone has the right to have a sex life, no matter their situation!

So firstly, try and work on your confidence to be able to tell your PA what you want or need. Say ‘I want this to happen and I’d love for you to make it easier for me as I’m embarrassed’. They are there to enable these things to happen. You don’t have to worry about what someone else is thinking, it’s not their life. This is yours.

Expressing your Needs

I understand it may feel difficult to be open with them, making yourself emotionally vulnerable. But you can say as much or as little as you want to, whilst keeping yourself safe. I have found that being open and sharing things I’m embarrassed about can feel like the most scary thing. However, once you’ve let it out of your mouth and someone reacts kindly to it, it’s the most liberating thing ever! And you will then be confident to share more!

The Logistics

This is where the relationship with your PA will play a part. If they change and you have a favourite, start discussing it with that one and plan for the ‘event’ to happen when they’re staying with you. When you’ve done it once with one PA, then I’m sure it will be easier to do it again when another is with you. This means you won’t have to restrict sexy time to a particular week!!! Your live-in PA can always go out for a couple of hours so you have sex in complete privacy. But if that’s not safe for you, tell them turn their TV up! 😉

As for help in the bedroom, I don’t know your mobility needs but perhaps the guy you have sex with will be happy to help you. It can become sexy in itself… moving you on to the bed, kissing you in between stages…keeping the excitement going. Blokes like something different! And then he can undress you if you need help. This can be as slow or fast as you want – it can all be very tantalising.

Have confidence that if he wants to have sex with you, he won’t be worrying about the logistics of getting there! Don’t apologise for it, and JUST HAVE FUN!!!

Hope this helps.
Zoe x

 

Next question
Oct 30
hanging rack with shirts on hangers

Styling It Out and Sweaty Pits

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

Two things I need your advice on, styling it out and sweaty pits! One is fashion, the second is  less sexy. I’ve been single for ages, focusing on my studies and getting a job following a time of ill health. In the last eighteen months I’ve managed to lose the extra weight I had piled on after surgery.

I’m feeling confident about myself but have zero clue when it comes to clothes. I’ve either got work shirts or hoodies and want to look trendier than that. I see blokes with a bit of style and think they look cool but I’ve no idea how to put clothes together.

The more personal issue is that sometimes I get wet patches on my shirt when I’m having a sweaty day. I think it’s a side effect of medication I’m taking. I’m embarrassed by it. I prefer to layer clothes on my top half to avoid people noticing. And I’m going to see if there’s a stronger deodorant I can use as I don’t want sweaty pits when I’m dating.

Any tips on where I can look for style advice. My mates are as clueless as me.

Cheers.

Our Answer

Hi! Thanks so much for writing in to the Love Lounge.

It’s great that you’re feeling confident. That’s more than half the battle when it comes to fashion! I’d recommend going into a department store, like Topshop or River Island and taking advantage of their Personal Styling Service. It’s usually free and involves a staff member who specialises in styling going around the store with you. They’ll pick out clothes that suit your new body type, complement your skin tone and make you feel great. It’s a brilliant thing to experience as it’ll then provide you with tips to use when you go out shopping on your own. If that’s not for you then search YouTube for videos with titles like ‘BooHoo Try On Haul’ where the fashionistas suggest how to put outfits together.

A bit of advice. Don’t worry too much about what’s in fashion and what others are wearing. Instead, use that energy to focus on what makes you feel amazing inside. Good clothes have the ability to boost your mood internally, too.

Styling It Out and Sweaty Pits - a trendy young guy wears a burgundy velvet suit jacket with a patterned T-shirt underneath. He has a hipster beard, a man bun and sunglasses

Sweaty Pits

Regarding the wet patches, I’d recommend discussing this with your doctor. They may be able to change your medication to minimise this side effect. Layering clothes, experimenting with deodorants and even doing a bit of research on what colours and materials work best with sweat patches will all go some way in helping you feel comfortable. However hopefully there is a more permanent solution!

Wishing you all the best – you’ll be as stylish as can be in no time!
Em x

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Worried About My Boyfriend's Behaviour - a woman sits leaning against the back of the sofa looking sad, her boyfriend wears a blue and white checked shirt, has dark hair and a beard and stares into the distance looking grumpy

Worried About My Boyfriend’s Behaviour

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I’m worried about my boyfriend’s behaviour. We met about 4 months ago and things have moved fast. We are crazy about each other and he has moved in. At first it was all very romantic, and he made me feel great. He complimented my appearance and was kind and generous and loving. My family are happy that I’ve met someone but wanted me to wait a while longer before he moved in, worrying I might get hurt as this is my first relationship. I dismissed their concerns as I’m 27 and wish they’d stop babying me. My mum was my carer until I got a PA and my own flat a few years ago, and she can forget I’m not a kid anymore.

In the last few weeks, my boyfriend has been short tempered and a lot less affectionate. Little things about me seem to annoy him. When we’re with friends and family he is fine but when we’re alone he frequently makes comments about my weight and has told me that I’m ‘stupid’ and ‘dense.’ I think he might also have used my bank card as it went missing from my wallet then reappeared. I have cried about this which made him more annoyed so I’m nervous of talking to him about his mood in case I make it worse. I know that couples can ‘have their moments’ as my sister so it may just be the norm?

Advice welcome.

 

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us.

First things first, anything that makes you feel this upset and unhappy isn’t the norm.  Couples absolutely ‘have their moments’ but you are right to be worried about your boyfriend’s behaviour change. He is being neither kind nor respectful to you by the sounds of it, and this behaviour should not be accepted.

It’s good to hear that everything was great at the beginning. Has anything changed dramatically for your partner since then? Big changes at work, with money or even with family and friends can have a major impact on how we behave. And whilst it doesn’t make what he’s doing right, it might explain the reasoning behind his behaviour.

It is worrying that your boyfriend is only acting this way when you’re alone. This suggests to me that he knows the way he is acting is not acceptable.

Communication is key here. You must let him know plainly and simply (without getting too emotional if you can) that you won’t stand for comments from him that are demeaning or degrading. You won’t accept comments that make you feel bad about yourself – no-one deserves that in a relationship.

At the same time, let him know that if there is anything going on for him that you can help with, you’d be more than happy to. And if you can’t help, you’ll support him to sort it out himself. Remind him that you love him and of how great everything was at the beginning. But to get back to that, he must change his ways and how he treats you.

Tread carefully regarding the bank card – he might have genuinely picked yours up by mistake – and if no money has left your account, it seems unnecessary to accuse him of stealing. Have a chat with him about everything. How he reacts will probably tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship.

Good luck!
Em x

 

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Can our team help with a dating dilemma, sex or relationship question? Get in touch and we’ll do our utmost to find the answers you need. Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and twitter @ETUKUndressing.

 

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