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Jul 17
Undressing Disability: A group of very hot disabled people standing in their underwear smiling at the camera

How to get involved with Undressing Disability

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

How To Get Involved With Undressing Disability

Do you like what we do? Looking to find info on how you can support us?

Keep reading and learn how to get involved with our Undressing Disability campaign.

First of all – who are we?

Undressing Disability is a campaign by Enhance the UK. Our campaign is dedicated to raising and improving the standards and awareness of sexual health for people with disabilities.

Visit the Enhance the UK website

Living with a disability can be an isolating experience. Alongside any physical barriers, there continues to be a significant amount of prejudice towards disability within society.

Many people mistakenly believe that disabled people can’t, don’t, or won’t engage in sexual activity. This is simply not true – we’re all sexual beings. However, this stigma is often internalised by disabled people, leading to self-esteem and confidence issues. 

Disability can have a significant impact on someone’s sex life, but it seems like not many people are out there wanting to talk about it. Our mission here is to improve sexual health standards and awareness for disabled people. We want to ensure they have access to fulfilling sex, dating, and relationship lives that all of us deserve.

Click to see more information on the Undressing Disability campaign

So, what does Undressing Disability do?

A whole bunch of stuff!

  • Share expert advice, resources, training and education 
  • Run campaigns on sex, love and relationships
  • Run free Love Lounge sessions 
  • Host a podcast and events 
  • Have developed Quest, a new range of accessible sex toys

Why volunteer or fundraise for us?

Your fundraising and volunteering efforts are vital in keeping our campaign going. We’re a small charity, so the impact of your support is substantial. Your support goes towards:

  • Keeping our free services ongoing (we cannot do this without funding coming in)
  • Providing services that are vital to disabled people who need help or might feel lonely
  • Helping us to reach more disabled people who need our services 

We’d be remiss not to point out that choosing to support us through volunteering or fundraising delivers on the feel-good factor. It’s also a lot of fun!

What types of fundraising can you do?

Fancy doing a little fundraising for Undressing Disability? There’s no end to the types of money-raising activities in which to get involved! We encourage you to use your interests as a jumping-off point, whether you’re a keen runner looking to take on a marathon or love hosting coffee mornings.

Click here to contact us with your ideas, and let’s have a chat!

For those who want to get involved, we run a breakthrough board that anyone can join. This is a dedicated community of fundraisers who work together to achieve donation goals. 

What volunteering opportunities are there?

Volunteering more up your alley? There’s a whole load of volunteering opportunities to get involved with, including:

  • Donating spaces and venues to hold Undressing Disability events 
  • Writing blogs for our website
  • Helping out with our social media channels
  • Skill sharing – think photography, videography, graphic design, and all that good stuff

Just a heads up that we don’t offer work experience or office-based volunteering. But if you have an idea, let us know – suggestions are always welcome!

Jul 15
Menopause event: A red heart shaped balloon floating against a pink wall

Love Lounge next event: Menopause meet up!

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Menopause meet up:

We are pleased to announce our next Love Lounge event! We have partnered with the wonderful Vagina Museum in London and the experts at the Menopause Consortium to hold a very special event on October 24th

As part of our Love Lounge events, we will give you the chance to ask the experts anything you want on menopause, body, mind and soul. As well as what this might mean for transgender and non-binary people going through menopause or any menopause and career-based questions.

What happens on the night:

Enhance the UK CEO Jennie Williams will host a panel discussion with our experts before a social event. As part of our social event, you can meet the makers who are shaking up the menopause care industry and secure some goodies and discounts!

There are goodie bags for the first 30 people to enter the event with all proceeds from ticket sales going to Undressing Disability and the Vagina Museum.

The details:

Date: 24.10.24 7pm – 9 pm

Location: The Vagina Museum, 276 Poyser St, London E2 9RF

Click here to go to the Vagina Museum website

Meet the experts

We’ve combined expert doctors from the Menopause Consortium, transgender menopause researchers from the Nottingham Transgender Health Centre in Nottingham, employment and wellness experts to make an incredibly knowledgable panel.

Dr Liz Tatham: systemic physiotherapist at Menopause Consortium

Liz is a highly experienced Systemic Psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience working in the NHS and the last 10 years as a private psychotherapist. Her passion for mental health began when she trained as a Psychiatric nurse many years ago. However, it was not until she completed her Systemic Psychotherapy training in 2001 and went on to tutor on the same course at the University of Birmingham that her career really took off.

Although Liz enjoyed teaching, she was keen to return to clinical practice, and so she began working independently. Her experience has been diverse, having worked with families and individuals in various settings, including within the context of mental health, such as the Nottingham Eating Disorder team. It was during this time that Liz became increasingly interested in hormonal health and early-onset menopause.

Dr Joanne Hobson: Clinical lead, director and menopause specialist at Menopause Consortium. MBBS, DRCOG, BMS Menopause Specialist.

Dr. Joanne Hobson is renowned for her expertise in menopause care and advocacy for women’s well-being. As a British Menopause Society Menopause specialist and a member of the Institute of Psychosexual Health, Dr. Hobson has dedicated her career to revolutionising menopause care and reshaping healthcare professional education.

With a background as a General Practitioner, Dr. Hobson embarked on a transformative journey that led her to become a leading force in community gynaecology and menopause care. Over the past 15 years, she has served both in the National Health Service (NHS) and her private practice, touching the lives of countless women with her empathetic and evidence-based approach.

Dr. Hobson’s commitment to education is as steadfast as her dedication to patient care. She is a trainer for the British Menopause Society and previously was a Principal Trainer with the Faculty of Sexual Reproductive Health (FSRH) in menopause care. Through these roles, she has contributed to raising the standards of menopause care by equipping healthcare professionals with the latest insights and best practices.

Dr. Joanne Hobson’s legacy will be one of empowerment, education, and unwavering dedication to women’s health.

Dr Carrie Martin: pelvic health physiotherapist at Menopause Consortium

Carrie is a highly skilled and compassionate Pelvic Health Physiotherapist dedicated to improving the lives of women through specialised care.

Carrie’s journey in the field of physiotherapy began at The University of Nottingham, where she obtained her BSc Hons degree in Physiotherapy in 2012. After graduating, she embarked on a career in the National Health Service (NHS) at Nottingham University Hospitals. Over ten years, she honed her expertise in various aspects of physiotherapy while working alongside renowned clinical specialists, therapists, and consultants.

During her time at Nottingham University Hospitals, Carrie developed a deep interest in pelvic health. Recognizing the profound impact that pelvic floor issues can have on a person’s quality of life, she dedicated herself to expanding her skills and knowledge in this specialized area. Her determination to provide the highest standard of care led her to transition into the private sector, allowing her to extend her services and reach more women in need.

Carrie’s expertise in pelvic health encompasses a wide range of conditions and concerns. She has successfully treated numerous women experiencing bladder problems, bowel problems, prolapse, pelvic floor dysfunction, sexual dysfunction, and the challenges of recovering from childbirth. Additionally, she offers guidance and support to women navigating the menopause.

Click here to visit the Menopause Consortium website

Margarita Bennett: wellness, Clinical Massage Therapist, Cranio Sacral Practitioner & pre/postnatal Specialist.

Margarita is a Clinical Massage Therapist, Cranio Sacral Practitioner, Pre and Postnatal Specialist, and Psychic Healer. With nearly two decades dedicated to understanding the human body, she has supported countless patients on their healing journeys.

She works with a huge spectrum of individuals from Depression to Cancer, from Fibromyalgia to post-operative, from fertility, prenatal or postnatal issues to Menopause. People of all ages and genders. She runs a successful practice in East Sussex, England, and she is also a wife and mother of two teens.

Claire Holland: Deputy CEO of Enhance the UK / Undressing Disability

Claire Holland has previously worked in Education, social care and for various charities in advice and advocacy roles. Through her role at Enhance the UK, Claire has a wealth of experience of training and consulting with organisations on topics such as inclusion, the equality act, legal duties and disability awareness.

You can click here to visit the Enhance the UK website

Dr Nat Thorne HND, BSc, MSc, Education, Evaluation and Research Associate at the Nottingham Centre for Transgender Health

Dr Nat Thorne started their career and an LGBTQ+ journalist, freelancing for Diva, The Pink Paper and national press before becoming the editor of Fyne Times magazine. During their 16 years as a journalist, they also studied for a BSc in Psychology and took the big step of leaving their editorial career to come to the University of Nottingham where they completed their Masters and their PhD.

Their thesis examined mental health in non-binary people and how language has a negative influence on this. After graduation,  they joined the Nottingham Centre for Transgender Health as a Research Lead where they have been involved in research relating to health disparities for trans people and menopause in the LGBTQ+ population. Nat was also the founding Chair of a local support charity called Notts Trans Hub.

Click here to visit the Nottingham centre for Transgender Health

Meet the makers

Meet the meno-makers: There are so many wonderful companies out there making products designed to make our menopause easier. We couldn’t resist inviting some of the best in the business to come and share their expertise with you.

Rocks Off Ltd is the leader in their field and recently launched (in collaboration with us!) the amazing Quest range of accessible sex toys. Rocks Off has pioneered some of the biggest changes in the sex toy market such as the world’s first liquid silicone, a hands-free C-shaped product.

Rocks Off will bring the incredible Quest range to the event where you can talk to the experts about all things sexy toy-related. They will also be sharing some of their new range with us.

Click here to visit the Rocks-Off website 

About the Menopause Consortium

Dr. Hobson together with Sally Kitchen, created The Menopause Consortium a visionary initiative that is transforming menopause care on multiple fronts.

Driven by their shared vision, Dr. Hobson and Sally Kitchen have laid the foundation for a new era in women’s health, driven by the Three Pillar approach – Patient Care, Education for Healthcare Professionals, and Corporate Training.

*Thank you to Auris Ear Care!

Auris Ear Care is the UK’s first CQC regulated on demand ear care clinic. They provide ear wax removal, ear infection treatment and ear foreign body removal services throughout the UK. Thank you for your generosity and we look forward to receiving our branded backdrop.

Jul 05
Disability Pride Month: A rainbow flag floating in the air against a clear blue sky

What is Disability Pride Month and why do we need one?

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

What is Disability Pride Month and why do we need one?

Happy Pride Month everyone!

June and July mark queer/LGBT+ Pride Month and Disability Pride Month. While most people will know what LGBT+ Pride Month is and how it is celebrated, there is more confusion around Disability Pride Month.

If you have ever wondered what, when and most importantly how to mark the occasion, then our blog will explain everything you need to know.

Why do we need Pride months?

Pride months allow us to celebrate, mark and commemorate our communities. Queer Pride started as a protest and has now become a joyful occasion which aims to make the community more visible. It also retains its roots in political protest by highlighting the struggles of LGBT+ people.

Disability Pride Month works similarly in that it aims to highlight the difficulties that disabled people face while connecting the community and making it more visible.

What is Disability Pride Month

In July, disabled and neurodivergent people mark Disability Pride Month in many ways. Some people may prefer to use the month to share political views, comment on current affairs close to the interests of disabled people or campaign for change. Others may prefer to host or attend events for the community aimed at creating safe, accessible spaces.

Some people may also use the month to share information on their situation or health conditions. Many may use hashtags to connect and make their related content more visible.

Disability Pride is built upon the social model of disability and is described as moving away from the medical model of disability. The social model of disability identifies barriers, organisational barriers, negative attitudes, and/or social exclusion which make it difficult for disabled people to go about their everyday activities. The social model seeks to change these barriers rather than a person’s impairment. When these barriers are removed, disabled people can be independent and equal.

There is no right or wrong way to mark the month!

When is disability Pride month?

The entire month of July starting on the 1st.

Why are you talking about disability and joy?

Quite frankly, it’s grim out there.

Between the cost of living crisis, general elections, war….there are multiple reasons why the current climate feels very negative and depressing at the moment. Not to mention, we are often juggling our own health and healthcare which isn’t easy.

Finding time for some joy is essential self-care. It allows us to stop, take a moment and find a way to feel a bit of happiness and maybe a chance to smile.

We asked disabled/neurodivergent people to share with us what brings them joy. This could be what they do for self-care, something about disability that they like or something they love that makes them smile.

What to learn more about Pride month? Visit our blog on the celebration.

What makes you feel joyful?

“It doesn’t necessarily mean I’m proud of my deafness and my other disabilities as such, it means more that I’m not ashamed of them and I don’t feel I need to make excuses or hide my true self. It means I can be myself authentically and unapologetically. Do I some times wish them away, yes, when I’m in pain or I’m feeling frustrated. Do I want to always feel like that, no I don’t, because people around me accept me for me and I accept me for me. That’s what disability pride means to me” – Jennie Williams

“I love Disability Pride Month as I love that anyone who’s disabled, and there’s a lot of us, comes together to show the entire world just how amazing we are.” – Luke Sowden

Jun 25
Sex positive party: two women are sitting on the floor at a party sharing a glass of champagne

How to go to a sex positive party and where to find them

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Ever wanted to go to a sex-positive party, kink night or fetish event but not really sure how? Don’t worry, you are not alone as it can be really daunting to go to your first event let alone sorting out accessibility or what to wear.

There has been a growth in the number of open-minded, queer-friendly, accessible and sex-positive events in the past year. Everywhere from Leeds to London is getting their best harness on and heading out.

Judging the accessibility of events is difficult. By nature, these events are pop-ups that move from venue to venue. The best thing to do is to research and contact the organisers ahead of time. Keeping an eye on their social pages is a great way to stay ahead of any updates or venue changes.

Here is our guide to getting started with sexy events and where to find them.*

Cabaret Identitease

It can be scary going from zero to sex parties so burlesque is a great place to start out or if you prefer a bit of a tease! Cabaret Identitease is a burlesque night with a difference. The group are queer, disabled cabaret performers.

If you fancy getting involved, the group also offer seated burlesque workshops. The events change location but there are often detailed access lists on their page which can be downloaded ahead of the event.

Visit their Instagram page

 

Pinky Promise World

A collective of sensual, hedonistic pleasure seekers who organise parties, workshops, cabaret shows and festival stages. From Wilderness to Shambala, from sex-positive play parties, Pinky Promise is a safe space to explore sensuality. Pinky Promise is a great way to dip your toes into the sex-positive scene.

Pinky Promise hosts parties at festivals and club spaces across the UK and also Europe.

Visit the Pinky Promise website

Sex positive party: A drag artist with long blonde hair spins around a pole in a dark nightclub

Sexquisite

Sexquisite sell-out shows across London, Manchester and Bristol using their unique blend of art as activism. They are committed to offering sex workers creative work and using the platform to enact change. Previous sexy events have included sex worker pride, Club Sexquisite and panel discussions on the importance of building a community for sex workers.

Visit the Sexquiste website

 

Quench London

“Quench London isn’t just a kink party; it’s a euphoric journey through the heart of London’s vibrant culture,” according to the organisers. A queer party extravaganza that blends chaos with control while centring queer, kinky, of colour, trans, neurodivergent, disabled and bodies of all sizes.

Quench is an intentional space, created out of a need for more diversity and representation in the kink scene. It’s also a lot of fun and a good way to experience the kink scene without it being too overwhelming.

Visit the Quench London website

 

Slut Social

Slut Social is committed to making affordable safer spaces for sex-positive women and non-binary people. It’s not just about the party but workshops and education too. It has become a community where you can find events from online panel discussions around ADHD and polyamory to rope-tying workshops in secret locations in London.

Visit the Slut Social Instagram

Joyride

Joyride is a space to rave, play and connect while prioritising pleasure and exploration. If you are looking for a hot, sweaty dancefloor with custom-designed playrooms and electronic beats then look no further.

The wonderful Joyride can be found at Corsica Studios in London which has an impressive accessibility checklist. You can apply for PA tickets, there is step-free access and accessible viewing platforms. You can access the list by visiting the Corsica website access page or email info@joyriderave.com for more information.

Visit the Joyride event page

 

 Know about a wonderful party or want to send us your own event information? Get in touch at hello@enhancetheuk.org.

*Please keep in mind that due to the nature of these events (pop-ups), they may change venue. We have not printed the accessibility in place for each venue but have marked where it is accessible on their site. Head to their social media and/or website and get in touch to find out latest dates and access.

Want more information on attending sex positive parties? Read our Love Lounge advice page where our resident sexpert Zoe answers a question asking for advice

Jun 24
ADHD and loneliness: A person holding a cup of coffee in their hands

ADHD and loneliness: I need some advice on feeling alone and sad

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question: Struggling with ADHD and loneliness

Dear Love Lounge….

I have something called ADHD (bet you’ve never heard of that, haha).

I only got my diagnosis a few years ago but I’ve known for years I was struggling so it’s a massive relief to finally have a name put to it. I’m a 33 year old woman, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve had to go back and live with my parents. I’ve got a really successful job which is actually very much in the public eye (like a D list celebrity) and I’m good at it.

When it comes to my home life, I can’t cope well at all; my finances are a mess, my flat was so messy I couldn’t even clean it in the end and I wasn’t eating properly. I desperately want to be in a relationship but I feel like such a failure. Who is going to be with someone who can’t even run a house and needs to be looked after by their parents?

I like sex but I find it hard to orgasm with other people because I’m so often trapped in my own head and thoughts. I masturbate a lot and it’s a big relief to me, but I also find it very depressing at the same time.

I’m not sure what advice I need but anything you might suggest to me would be useful. I’m feeling very alone and sad at the moment.

Thanks,
Katy

The answer:

Hi Katy,

Ha, yes I don’t know what ADHD is! On a serious note, it can be really debilitating when you feel like you can’t cope with things like running a household.  Plenty of people struggle with this and plenty of these people have relationships. For now, it’s working that your parents are supporting you and taking that load away from you – but in a relationship you would discuss what things you’ll bring to the table and areas where you lack.  Your partner could be the perfect opposite and cover those areas, and in turn you cover for their weaker areas. It’s about negotiation and working out a system where you can do tasks in manageable chunks.

With regard to struggling to orgasm with other people, ADHD can really affect the focus of staying in the moment and being too easily distracted.  To maintain some focus, doing it in the dark could be helpful.  This eliminates the visual distractions and your senses of touch etc will be heightened. If you find yourself getting carried away in your own thoughts, ground yourself by getting your partner to describe what they’re doing to you (or vice-versa) – this can be sexy anyway, but will help you come back into the moment.

In addition to turning off the lights, you could start by getting yourself really relaxed before intimacy with a partner.  Perhaps a shower and putting the phone away for some time beforehand. Quieten the mind. Sensual touch, stroking, kissing could be all you aim for initially. The end goal doesn’t have to be sex or an orgasm. Take the pressure off yourself. Equally, some touch may become too much for you. It’s really important that you communicate clearly to your partner beforehand what you’re likely to experience and how you would like them to deal with it. eg you know you will get hypersensitive to one type of touch, so rather than grinning and bearing it, you’re confident enough to say to your partner, I need you to stop now and replace it with (a hug, no touch at all, talking, or touch in a different place). You do you!

I totally understand why, despite masturbating being a great relief to you, it then can make you feel depressed. It’s almost reaffirming that ‘I can only do this alone’.  The longer you avoid having sexual relationships, the more this fear could manifest in your head and potentially get bigger.  Hopefully, you’ll be kind to yourself and your situation and allow someone in to enjoy a relationship with you!

Best of luck,

Zoe

Want to support Love Lounge? why not visit our Donations page so you can find out how to get involved

Want to learn more about sex and ADHD? Head to our helpful blog on ADHD can help you find out more about the effect it might have on your sex life.

Jun 24
ASD and sexuality: Red lollipops in the shape of heart on a blue background.

ASD and sexuality: how do I explore when sex feels overwhelming?

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question: ASD and questioning my sexuality

Dear Love Lounge…..

I’m a 22 year old guy, I have ASD and I’m trying to figure out my sexuality. I’m pretty sure I’m gay but I still feel I have to work it out as there are some women I’m really attracted to still – but it’s more if they are kind and nice to me.

I find social events really hard so I have a very small group of friends, but they are good people. I’ve only ever had sex a handful of times and this is with a man. I don’t think I really enjoyed it very much. I found it all so overwhelming and intense. The smell and touch of someone was confusing because I really like him but getting so intimate with him I found too much for me.

He used a sex toy on me which was like a male vibrating one and I went along with it but I hated the feel of it and it made my body cringe almost.

I’m now questioning so much – am I asexual or maybe I’m not gay or maybe I’m just broken. I know I’m funny and kind and I do like myself in general, but this is really hard for me and I’ve got nobody to talk to.

Cheers,

Kyle

The answer:

Hi Kyle,

It sounds like you’re confused about putting yourself into a box and labelling your sexuality.  What if you are Asexual? Does that matter? You could develop a relationship with a partner at a level that will match with you.

Equally it could be the ASD sensory overload that is impacting your sexual experience. Learn what your limits are and what you like. Be clear with your partner and set some boundaries early on.  Don’t be nervous to do this – it will be much healthier in the long run. Once you’ve got to the cringe phase, you’ve gone too far.  Taking it slowly and doing the things you’re comfortable with will help you enjoy it more.

Regarding the women that you like when they’re nice to you, it could be just that – they’re friendly and kind.  With ASD you may be mistaking the subtle social nuances and then attaching too quickly. I guess being aware of this pattern might help you to question why you’re feeling attached.  And if you feel sexually attracted to them then that’s something you can also explore. Again it’s about learning what feels right for you and sometimes checking in with yourself to see if ASD is influencing your feelings.

Stay curious! Learn what you’re comfortable with and what you truly like and dislike.  And inform any potential partners ahead of time about how you are likely to feel, act, respond etc.

Good luck with your discoveries!

Zoe

Want to read more Love Lounge queries? Why not head to our blog page to read more?

Want to support Love Lounge to reach and help more people? Find out how you can get involved and support us by visiting our donation page

Jun 24
Disclosing dyslexia: three roses in yellow, pink and red

I’m worried about disclosing my dyslexia when dating

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question on disclosing dyslexia:

Hello Love Lounge,

I have dyslexia and it affects my life massively, I’m not sure about disclosing my dyslexia when dating. I found people don’t really understand dyslexia and think it’s just about spelling and grammar etc but for me it affects me in so many other ways. I struggle to remember names of people and places and I find it really hard to follow directions and read any kind of map.

I’m using voice recognition to write this now so please excuse any mistakes. I’ve recently had the courage to start online dating again and I mainly use Hinge because you can use voice notes on the app and it makes it easier for me. However having the confidence to then meet up with someone and going to a place they might suggest, and that I don’t know, fills me with dread. I know I can’t always go to the same places, and I need to get out of my little bubble and comfort zone.

Do I disclose on my profile I’m dyslexic? or do I tell them once we’re chatting, or should I save it until I know them more? I still feel very ashamed about how my brain works but I wish I didn’t.

Thank you,
Sophie

The answer:

Hello Sophie,

It’s so common that people only think of dyslexia affecting reading and writing. But as we know, it can also mean poor organisation skills and poor short-term memory. So, arranging a date can of course bring these issues to the fore and you’re even more nervous than somebody not facing these challenges!

It’s up to you whether you tell the person you’re meeting that you have dyslexia – even if you ask for the things you need from them, you don’t have to say why. Suggest a place you know to begin with, and then when it’s their turn you could ask them to write it down over text for you (if it’s just been decided on a telephone call) so you can research beforehand where it is. If you’re really worried about navigating the map’s directions, you could always meet them nearby the venue at somewhere you know, and then walk up together.

Having a venue suggested to you with very short notice is likely to make you panic more – again be open and say let me know a good few hours before! Again, its up to you whether you say at this point ‘er I’m dyslexic and need time to check where I’m going otherwise, you’ll never meet me if I’m MIA – and what a shame that would be!’

Remember that being dyslexic has loads of good attributes too! They’re going to love your big picture thinking, your dynamism in conversation etc. Don’t let the fear of getting some details muddled put you off!

Have fun and celebrate your brain’s wonderful way of functioning!

Zoe

Want to support Love Lounge? You can visit our donations page to find out what you need to know about supporting us

Going on a first date? visit our blog page about accessible first date spaces to get some suggestions on where to go!

Jun 11
Disability and sexuality: Laura is a blonde woman with long hair. She wears a sheer black top and a fabulous splash of leopard print. She is smiling at the camera and holding pink balloons

Pride month: sexuality, disability and finding the perfect balance

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

We ask the wonderful Laura Drummond to write about sexuality and disability. In February 2024, we held a large photoshoot in the middle of London and invite a load of gorgeous, sexy disabled people to join us. The shoot meant a lot to all of us that were there. Laura tells us what the Undressing Disability photoshoot meant to her.

Meet Laura

My name is Laura, and I am known as @powerchairqueen_zebedee on social media. I am a 44-year-old disabled woman, and I became disabled later in life. I have several chronic illnesses and I have struggled with my identity over the last few decades due to this change in my health status. I have done lots of work over the last few years trying to find out who I am now, and I am now fully embracing my disabled identity, proudly and unapologetically.  

Embracing disability and identity

One part of the process of coming to terms with chronic illness and my disabled identity was about my sexuality. I felt that I was no longer desirable or attractive because of my defective body. It took a long time to love the body that I am now in despite of what it can no longer do. I have achieved this through self-exploration and positive affirmations. I do not believe in ‘body positivity’ at all costs as this is just not realistic when you struggle with the symptoms that your body throws up. But I took part in a modelling competition where I sat and stood there in my underwear to show that disabled bodies are just like every other body.

I suppose that the difference with an invisible disability is that no-one around you necessarily knows that you are disabled. This can have its benefits but also doesn’t allow for any allowances for your restrictions. So, although this competition was incredibly empowering and did amazing things for my confidence and my body acceptance it showed how the modelling world especially is not built for people like me, disabled people.  

Undressing Disability photoshoot

When I was asked by Undressing Disability to take part in their photoshoot with other disabled people, to show that disabled people are just as sexual, desirable and fascinating as their non-disabled counterparts, I absolutely jumped at the chance. I was full of anticipation when I got there and felt no nerves whatsoever.

It meant so much to me as a woman in my 40’s to feel sexy and seductive in what I was wearing and the whole experience was a fantastic one for me. It has helped me to explore my own sexuality more and after knowing for my entire adult life that I found both women and men attractive I had the dawning realisation that I am bisexual. A bit a of revelation for me in my 40’s and married to a man. The outside appearance is one of heterosexuality and I must admit that there seems little point in ‘coming out’ as it will do nothing to change my marital status and relationship, but it feels good to have done this exploration.  

Disability and sex

Following the photoshoot I have worked further with Undressing Disability, and I have learned more about the amazing accessible sex toy range that they have launched with Rocks Off. The toys themselves are a revelation to me as someone who uses toys regularly and realising the impact that these can have on those people who have not been able to explore their own sexuality due to their disability. There is an overall assumption amongst society, a wrong one, that disabled people do not have sexual desires and are therefore what would the need be for them to explore this?

Shop the Quest range by clicking here to visit the Rocks Off Website.

Well, does that mean that when I became disabled that I no longer felt any desires or have any sexual appetite? No, it absolutely does not. This is not something that can be turned on or off and this toy range is accessible down to getting it out of the packaging. There is nothing more frustrating than having to ask someone for help with something that you don’t necessarily want them to know that you have bought! You can literally get the packaging open with one hand, and the charging points are easy too, magnetic and not fiddly at all. Everything has been thought about, down to the buttons which are also large and embossed for easy use.  

Working with Undressing Disability has been literally life changing for me and I feel so proud to be helping to promote a charity that is doing such a great job informing and educating. I feel freer, more sexy, more empowered, and have made some amazing connections with other beautiful disabled people all with the same mission to let the world know that we are out here, we are sexy, desirable and we aren’t going away.

We are just going to shout louder with the help of wonderful organisations like Undressing Disability.  

Donate to Undressing Disability by visiting our donation page and helping us to continue the good work we do.

Want to read more about sexuality and disability? Head to our blog page for more articles like this

May 22

Sex and pleasure for disabled women in Nigeria

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

In this interview, sexual rights activist and researcher Susie Jolly interviews Ejiro Sharon Okotie, development professional in gender, social inclusion and disability rights. Ejiro shares her trailblazing advocacy work supporting disabled women in Nigeria with their pleasure and sexual expression, and why the need for societal recognition of their sexual rights is more important than ever before.

Susie: Tell us more about your research and advocacy work. What is it all about and what was the motivation behind this work in the first place?

Ejiro: In 2017-2018, while I was running training for disabled people in Nigeria on sexual and reproductive health and rights, one of the participants who had a Spinal Cord Injury shared, “After my accident, my biggest worry was if I still could have sex, less so my injury. However, I was too ashamed to ask the doctors and lived with that anguish for four months”. 

Another participant asked “At what point does masturbation become unhealthy?” Pleasurable activities like masturbation had been demonised and disabled people who engaged in it, were regarded as corrupt, bad, spoilt etc.

Meeting such project beneficiaries and hearing their stories made me realise how narrow our project had been and the huge gap that existed around the subject of sexuality and pleasure, especially as it related to disabled women. I realised this was a gap in the inclusive Sexual and Reproductive Health (SRH) project I had worked on (implemented through a collaboration between the Nigeria Association of the Blind (NAB) and the Journalists Against AIDS Nigeria (JAAIDS)). 

I became curious to delve deeper into this area of research, to understand if exploring sexuality and pleasure could contribute to the empowerment of disabled women in Nigeria. My advocacy seeks to enable healthy expression of sexuality and pleasure for disabled women, and societal recognition of the need for their ability to exercise their sexual rights.

Susie: What are you keen to highlight about the lived experience of disabled women in Nigeria?

Ejiro: Being a disabled woman myself, a common phrase I heard when I first began working in development was “disabled women get sex by chance and not by choice”. I want to highlight the fact that the narrative of disabled women only having negative experiences of sexuality such as rape, sexual abuse or assault is not the whole story. Disabled women also have positive, healthy romantic and sexual relationships and experiences, and possess agency in exercising their sexual rights. This was very evident in a documentary we produced as an offshoot from the research. 

Susie: How are you seeing prejudice and ableism affect disabled women in Nigeria when it comes to their sexual health and sexual expression?

Ejiro: In Nigeria, as in many other parts of the world, only a complete and functioning body is assumed to allow sexual expression or enjoyment of sexual rights and sexual health. The general perception is that disabled women do not, or should not, have sexual needs or desires, require sexual health information/services or even think about expressing their sexuality. 

These ideas typically come from the immediate families of these disabled women, and extend into society. This lack of recognition of the sexuality and sexual rights of disabled women continues to disempower them, and make them more vulnerable to sexual and gender-based violence (SGBV) and ill-health.

Susie: What changes would you like to see happen to better support disabled Nigerian women with their sexual health and sexual expression? 

Ejiro: A key change must be intentionality from parents, care-givers and broader society in Nigeria on effectively engaging disabled women on their sexual health, providing avenues for healthy conversations around their sexuality, supporting their efforts at a healthy expression of their sexuality and sexual rights, and providing safe spaces for disabled women to share positive experiences and support other disabled women who are survivors of SGBV or other violations of their sexual rights. 

We need a more responsive, sensitive, and proactive Nigerian population (families, community members, duty bearers) to foster an inclusive environment for disabled women as it relates to their sexual health and sexual rights.

Susie: Tell us more about the organisation you are running for disabled and youth.

Ejiro: The Hope Inspired Foundation for Women and Youth with disabilities (HIFWYD), is a woman-led organisation, founded on 27th February 2015, and registered as an Organisation of Persons with Disabilities in Nigeria. The Foundation was established to empower and amplify the voices of women and youth with disabilities, with a mission committed to promoting and protecting rights and inclusive development through advocacy, capacity-building, economic empowerment/livelihood support, and public engagement. 

HIFWYD envisions a society where everyone, regardless of disability or any circumstances, can realise their potential and live their dreams. HIFWYD has implemented several projects on entrepreneurship development for disabled women, as well as life-skills programs for disabled girls. 

More recently we have undertaken several projects to improve access to inclusive, comprehensive sexuality education, especially for disabled women/girls in rural communities, as well as building their capacities as self-advocates to realise their rights through better implementation of Disability laws in Nigeria. HIFWYD has been supported by several donor partners with the most recent being the Disability Rights Fund (DRF/DRAF) and World Connect.

About Ejiro

Ejiro Sharon Okotie, is a Development Professional focusing on Gender, Social Inclusion, Disability Rights and most recently, Sexuality. Currently she works as the Gender and Social Inclusion Specialist for the USAID State Accountability Transparency and Effectiveness (State2State) Activity, implemented by DAI Nigeria. She is a Chevening Alumnus with a Masters in Development Studies from the Institute of Development Studies (IDS) at the University of Sussex. As the Founder of the Hope Inspired Foundation for Women and Youth with Disabilities (HIFWYD), a DPO in Nigeria, Ejiro works to empower women and youths with Disabilities for productive living and equal participation in society. 

For more information about The Inspired Foundation, check out their Instagram.

About Susie

Susie Jolly is a sexual rights activist and researcher, and Honorary Associate at the Institute of Development Studies. She previously led the Ford Foundation China portfolio on sexuality education, with a 2 million US dollar annual budget, developing the strategy ‘the marginalised educate the mainstream’. This included supporting disabled women and young people to organise and advocate, supporting disabled activists to work on sexuality, and sexuality educators to learn from disabled people’s organisations on how to become more inclusive.

Apr 19

Let’s talk about it: Consent, love and sex act terminology

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

When it comes to consent, there is so much more to consider than yes or a no. It is about ongoing communication, discussing boundaries and what you are comfortable with.

One area that we often don’t think about is the effect that terminology and language can have. In the age of social media, language and terminology can often mean new words or phrases are coined then discarded a month later. It can feel confusing and overwhelming to try and keep up.

However, if you do not understand what a sex act term means, can you really consent? The answer is no and it means that we can often find ourselves in uncomfortable or dangerous situations as a result.

Here are six things to remember around consent

1 – Communication and respect

Consent is an ongoing process throughout sex between two people. It can be withdrawn at any stage and must be respected by the other person. Even if someone has consented at the start of whatever it is you happen to be into, you need to check in with them to make sure they are still okay during and afterwards. This is especially the case if you are changing activities, positions or introducing something new in the bedroom.

If someone looks uncomfortable, stop and ask if they are okay. Respect their decision to stop and reassure them that everything is fine. Making sure that someone feels safe and comfortable is key.

2- Confidence to ask

If you don’t understand a sex term – ask. There are hundreds of words out there for different sex acts from felching to cucking to shrimping. It can feel embarrassing to admit you aren’t sure or don’t know what something means but ultimately, you can’t consent to something you don’t understand fully.

A good partner will stop and explain what a sex term actually means or how they practice it. Don’t rely on a sneaky google to find out what something is because it could mean that your partner has a different understanding of it. Some acts especially those around pain or restriction require a good level of trust, respect and discussion around boundaries with partner/s ahead of time.

Want to learn more? We’ve filmed a series of videos with our resident S-expert Zoe Lloyd that can help explain different sex terms. Follow us on instagram by visiting our page to find out more.

3 – Disclosing health status

It’s important for someone to understand what they are consenting to. As well as understanding what different sex acts are and everything they entail, your partners do need to know your STD/I status too. This gives someone the opportunity to make an informed decision about birth control and their safety.

Regular testing for everyone involved is recommended and can be a quick proceedure at sexual health clinics or your GP surgery.

4 – Non verbal clues

There are lots of non-verbal ways that someone can send a signal that they are uncomfortable or want to stop. This could be anything from shaking their head, giving a thumbs down sign or holding their hands up in a stop gesture, pushing someone away, avoiding touch, moving away from you or maintaining closed body language. They may look upset, stay still or lie flat, tense up or go rigid as well as seemingly distracted or not present.

If you sense someone is uncomfortable or would like to stop then respect this and make sure you stop.

5- Drink and drugs

Someone cannot consent if they are too drunk or on drugs. That’s not to say you cannot drink and consent but if you are intoxicated then its a no. Consent can also not be given if someone is asleep or unconscious. If someone has been threatened or intimidated into having sex or performing a sex act then that is also not consent.

Unequal power dynamics are not consent either. This is when there is a uneven balance of power such as a student and a teacher. This also goes for someone underage too.

6- The importance of talking

Learning to talk about sex can help to improve the quality of sex that we have. As well as giving clear consent, discussing what sex acts you like or positions you fancy trying, it can also help us to communicate what we enjoy. The more you start to talk, the more talking about sex becomes normalised and easier to do.

Being open and honest with your partners means you can concentrate on having the type of sex you enjoy and you may find it can also be a turn on. It can also help your partner to learn what feels good and importantly, what didn’t so it can be avoided in the future.

Want to learn more about sex act terminology? why not visit our resource page to download our free guide to all the terms you may need to know. 

Want to read more about sex, consent and learning disabilities? Visit our Love Lounge page to learn more.

For help around sexual health and assault, visit the NHS support services page

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