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Disability and dating: Two red heart shaped balloons floating in the air

The Dating Campaign: disability and accessible apps

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

We asked….and you delivered!

Earlier this year, we asked disabled people to tell us their stories of dating. In particular, around using dating apps as a disabled person. We received so many stories ranging from positive to negative, highlighting everything from app design to education needed, and how to disclose. 

 

Here are some of the stories we collected during the campaign:

Jo

“I’m going to tell you about a dating experience that I’ve had as someone who is visually impaired. I’ve had a few interesting experiences but a positive one that comes to mind was when I went on a date with a guy to the cinema. 

“At first, he was scared to ask if I wanted to go to the cinema because he didn’t understand why I would want to go to the cinema if I couldn’t see! But I like going to the cinema. He ended up being quite a cheap date because we had to pay for one ticket as we got a carer ticket for free.”

“I would say a lot of my dating stories have been quite similar. As a visually impaired woman, when I tell men that I have a disability their initial reaction is alright, that’s okay or if you need to hold my arm that’s fine. They don’t care so it’s been quite positive.”

John

“I decided early on to disclose my walking impairment on my profile to demonstrate honesty. However, I presented it playfully by saying, “I will still carry the drinks from the bar!” 

I avoided saying the actual medical condition as I did not want my potential match to jump down a Google rabbit hole and make assumptions.”

“When I did not disclose my disability I found when I did, I would be ghosted – which was not fun. I have received strange opening lines and two that will stick with me are “Do your lunges work properly?” and “I bet your disability increases attention.”  

“There is a lot of education and normalising of disability that’s required in this space.”

“One of the most important things to remember when dating with a disability is that dating is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone who is right for you. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find your soulmate right away. It takes time and effort to find the right person. 

If you keep putting yourself out there, you’re sure to find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are. I know these are words that have been overused but the right person will be able to accept the disability and the person.”

Shreya

“I recently started casually dating again or at least I’m trying to. I did this before I was disabled but not since. I was prepared for some ableism but I wasn’t prepared for the amount of it.”

“I’ve had a lot of the classics: men telling me I’m sexy despite using a wheelchair, or people asking why I use crutches. I don’t use crutches as I use a walking stick. I’ve had people ask me about my medical history within the first five minutes of chatting.”

“I’ve had questions about whether I can have sex even though I am on a sex-orientated dating app. One time someone found out I was a wheelchair user and he made a joke. He said, if we met up and I didn’t know about you being a wheelchair user then I would have made a joke about you being a catfish.”

“From then on, I decided to have one picture with me in my wheelchair and one with my walking stick. I’ve had fewer matches but more intrusive questions. You just can’t win, why is it so hard?”

Dating and disability: A person using apps on a phone in one hand

Carrie

“As a neurodivergent person, I often find the apps a bit overwhelming in terms of their layout as it’s unclear what to press or how to tell someone you like them. I’ve sent way more superlikes than I intended as a result of this.”

“It’s hard to know when to tell someone I am neurodivergent as my disability is hidden. On most apps, there isn’t  an option or a space to do this. I tried joining a dating app for disabled people which listed autism but no other neurodivergent condition. I gave up.”

“I did join a dating site for autistic people which had a wonderful option to list your stims. First date nerves are the worst so I like that you can go in knowing that someone knows what your soothing sounds or behaviours are ahead of time. I also loved that you can connect using your common interests too.”

Alex

“This is a little story about one of my recent dating experiences. The person I went on a date with has a brother with a disability. It was easy to connect with them and focus on the date rather than anything else.”

“These topics do come up and sometimes you have to define your disability and walk someone through what you go through daily. Certain things might come up during the chat that make it a bit awkward or a bit draining for us as people with disabilities to talk about.”

“With this person, in particular, we had a lovely conversation which was very entertaining. We had some ice cream and walked around London. It was very cute.”

B

“I openly share that I am a wheelchair user on my dating app profile, usually with a joke, to prevent people from seeing it as a tragedy, but this isn’t always enough. One day, I received a note from a person that said “Everything happens for a reason, right?”. I immediately understood that they were referring to my disability. I accepted their message request and told them I didn’t understand why they would say that and that everything in life seemed very random to me.”

“They replied with a very long message. In summary, they just wanted to say one or two words because I had shared a “special” condition. They kept arguing that life works based on cause-and-effect relationships, that people always use this as an explanation for the things that happen to them, and that if they can be honest with themselves, they can have the right perspective on life.”

“They said that they were thankful that I was hopeful despite everything and assured me that I brought light to their day. Finally, they wished me lots of luck and said goodbye. They seemed very confused about how to see disabled people but I had a chance to explain what was wrong with their approach. In this instance, they reacted with extreme guilt, apologising over and over again. The problem was not my disability but their self-centeredness; and isn’t this always the case?”

 

WE WANT YOU

Were encouraging anyone with a story to comment, DM, tweet, or post using the hashtag #AppcessibleDating. We want all stories – positive or negative or both!

Well then take the feedback weve received to the dating apps themselves with a list of proposed changes and ways they can better support disabled people with their dating lives. 

 

Follow the Campaign

Follow our campaign by searching the hashtag #AppcessibleDating and join the conversation by connecting with us on Twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability

Want to read more? Visit our blog on online dating as a disabled person

Dating campaign: two hands held together in the shape of a heart

The dating campaign: #appcessible dating for all

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

This Valentine’s Day, we’re launching our #AppcessibleDating Campaign. 

 

Let’s face it, dating can be difficult especially if you are disabled. While there are a lot of apps on the market, how many of them are really designed with accessibility at heart? 

From better accessibility features to better resources for  challenging stigma – we want the apps to give disabled people the best possible experience and chance at finding love. 

Why APPcessible love and dating?

There are many reasons that disabled people find dating apps difficult. Some of these could be how to navigate the actual app itself, overload of information, disclosing a disability, understanding social cues or reading the information. Not to mention the reactions from matches.

“I have received strange opening lines. Two that will stick with me for a long time are, “do your lungs work properly?” and “I bet your disability increases attention.” There is a lot of education and normalising of disability that’s required in this space”

What do we want from our dating campaign?

We asked our audience to get in touch with their stories about their experiences of dating with a disability. We were blown away by those who reached out but it became clear there were several common themes throughout the accounts.

“The apps need to realise that they aren’t great for those of us who are neurodiverse. I would love to see a simpler, quieter design and layout. I find opening an app  with too much information overwhelming and just want to shut it down.”

Lots of you said that the apps need to normalise disability and make it easier to be more visible on the apps. There needs to be more education and information available. 

We reached out to a few of the more popular apps in the hopes of opening a discussion on how they could adapt to be more accessible. Not one answered us. We hope to change this moving forward  as we will share our research, stories, videos, app audits and resources. 

“I went on a date with a guy to the cinema and at first he was scared to ask me if I wanted to go because obviously, he thought, she can’t see, why would she want to go to the cinema? 

“When I tell men that I have a disability, their initial reaction is alright, that’s fine or if youneed to hold my arm that’s fine, they don’t care. So yeah, it’s been quite positive.”

 

We want you

We’re encouraging anyone with a story to comment, DM, tweet, or post using the hashtag #AppcessibleDating. We want all stories – positive or negative or both!

We’ll then take the feedback we’ve received to the dating apps themselves with a list of proposed changes and ways they can better support disabled people with their dating lives. 


Follow the dating campaign

Follow our campaign by searching the hashtag #AppcessibleDating  and join the conversation by connecting with us on Twitter @ETUKUndressing and visiting our Instagram @UndressingDisability

 

Read more about loneliness and disability by visiting our blog

Cervical cancer testing: A ball of pink and purple cells

Researchers aim to improve access to cervical cancer screening for physically disabled people

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Researchers aim to improve access to cervical cancer screening for physically disabled people

 

A team of researchers at Keele University that includes psychologists, GPs and nurses, are leading an innovative new study which aims to help physically disabled women better access smear tests. It is hoped that this will reduce cervical cancer rates.

The testing, which is also known as a smear test, can be really difficult for many people. It can be physically challenging for many people with a cervix and sometimes impossible. Not only that but misconceptions about disabled people can make access even harder.

Cervical cancer testing rates

There are more than 7 million disabled people in the UK who may be likely to have a higher risk of delayed diagnosis and dying from cancer due to lower screening uptake.

Removing these barriers could help ensure equal access to cervical cancer prevention. It could also mean early detection of cervical cell changes therefore reducing the number of deaths from cancer.

The study has been funded by the National Institute for Health and Care Research (NIHR). It is being conducted in collaboration with Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust and patient representatives. The study will involve interviews and surveys with people who have physical disabilities or conditions that make cervical screenings challenging. The team will also interview GPs, nurses and reception staff to gain an understanding of the barriers posed by the process which will help to highlight solutions.

We are very grateful to have received funding for such an important and largely overlooked issue and we look forward to working with stakeholders to improve the cervical screening experience for physically disabled women and people with a cervix, said Lead researcher Dr Sue Sherman, from Keele Universitys School of Psychology.

Everyone who is eligible for cervical screening should be able to access the test. Too often we hear from women who are unable to attend as a result of a disability or long-term condition, and this should not be the case. Were thrilled to be teaming up with Keele University to help identify and address some of the barriers and stigmas that exist and ensure more women can reduce their risk of cervical cancer,” added Samantha Dixon, Chief Executive of Jos Cervical Cancer Trust.

Cervical cancer is caused by a virus called human papillomavirus (HPV) that causes changes to cells in the cervix. If this is left untreated, the HPV infection may turn into cervical cancer. Smear tests can help to determine treatment before cells turn cancerous if HPV is detected.

How to get involved with the cervical cancer study

Do you have a physical disability/ impairment or long-term physical condition? Does this mean that cervical screening is hard or impossible for you to take part in?

Would you like to join our project group? What does this involve?

  • This is a virtual study and will involve you attending a few online meetings throughout the project:
  • You will be reimbursed for your time.
  • The project is expected to last 2.5 years

If you are interested take in the road, please complete the following form/ scan QR code:

https://forms.office.com/e/bVJAmWveyb

Or

For further information an expression of interest, please e-mail doctor Emma Kemp (e.j.kemp@keele.ac.uk)

 

Read more on cervical cancer and Deaf awareness

The Quest sex toy range

My Quest: Ellie’s inclusive sex toy joy

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Launching our Quest range was one of the best parts of 2023 and we have been blown away by the response. We wanted to share this wonderful piece of writing by Ellie who tried a few of the Quest toys.

Im Ellie, a 21-year-old student at Liverpool Hope University studying Disability Studies, and I identify as a disabled woman. My physical impairment goes by the name Cerebral Palsy and prevails in all four limbs of my body, meaning that I am also a powered wheelchair user.

I would say that I have always been quite confident and outgoing; however, reflecting on my secondary school experiences, this was not the case. Studying Disability Studies has been transformative and permitted me to reflect on these past experiences to reveal a new identity for myself. Framing disability as a social construction has truly shown me what it means to be confident in yourself and realise that I am entitled to access whatever I please – its just advocating for barrier removal. This self-actualisation has permitted me to embrace who I am, with no justifications needed, and is what got me involved with Enhance.

Growing up, the thought of sexual pleasure subtly resided in the back of my mind, but I mundanely shrugged this off. Given that I had to navigate through a somewhat segregated and ableist secondary school environment, I didn’t see sexual pleasure as a priority or a right. I know it’s a cliche, but university certainly changed my perspective about disability and my identity as a disabled young woman.

Sex, sexuality and disability

Studying the topic of sexuality and disability at university reaffirmed that disabled people have sexual desires and the right to express themselves sexually. Of course, being disabled myself, I already knew this, but the newfound self I discovered during my time at university gave me a tremendous urge to explore my options further.

I began resonating back with my younger self, recognising that the lack of information around disability and sexual pleasure made me feel quite self-conscious about my little understanding of how I can access things like sex toys, having so many questions about the functionality of using a sex toy.

Of course, growing up, I’ve tried masturbating and have always found that I can’t position my hand even to get close, or my involuntary hand movements make the attempt too forceful and uncoordinated, which is uncomfortable.

Through discovering a passion for this topic and the personal journey of self-discovery and acceptance, I plucked up the courage to contact the Love Lounge. It was so refreshing to be in an environment that encapsulated the essence of validation and advocacy. I felt incredibly at ease exploring how I could better facilitate my sexual desires, and this is where I learned about the Quest Adventure panty vibrator.

I was just compelled and amazed that adapted sex toys exist. These toys should be marketed with no question, but being absconded from sexual pleasure for most of my adolescence, this was something to get excited about! From the accessible packaging to the performance, I’ve been impressed by the product and its functionality, speaking from a disabled person’s perspective!

I’ve found that it’s more than just a toy; it’s the self-actualisation that I can masturbate, and the lack of discussion about disabled people being able to pleasure themselves is what needs addressing in society. Enhance fosters this perfectly, further empowering me to embrace my identity and instil this in other disabled girls similar to my teenage self!

Interested in the Quest range? Why not visit the Quest website

Got a problem for our sexperts at Love Lounge? Send in your questions and have a chat with us by visiting our Love Lounge page.

Disability and loneliness: a hand holding one cup of coffee

Christmas and loneliness: how you can help someone feel less alone

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Christmas can be a wonderful time of year but it can also be a really lonely one. Many disabled and neurodivergent people are more likely to struggle with loneliness – especially at a time of year that is renowned for family, friends, parties and social events. A lack of an emotional connection or people around at this time of year can make people feel depressed or anxious.

We conducted a survey in November 2021 which revealed that 47% of disabled people felt lonely frequently with 12% feeling lonely all the time. We need to recognise when people might be struggling or recognise the signs in ourselves.

Access our survey results by clicking here

It can be difficult to reach out to ask for help and our survey discovered just 20% had spoken to a professional about the impact their loneliness was having on them. However, 48% had reached out to family or friends to talk which is more positive.

In the survey, we asked people what they thought might help with 45% of disabled people reporting a hug or personal contact would be great. A further 38% suggested one-to-one time with friends also helped. Some thought that connecting with others in the disability community may help.

How can I help?

Reach out

We’ve all been there when things get busy at Christmas – not having enough mental or physical space to go for a coffee or drink with someone. It’s hard to stay in touch with people, especially during the festive season. If you haven’t seen someone in a while – why not text or call them?

Be there
Asking how someone is and taking the time to really listen is appreciated. Putting your phone down and asking questions means someone is more likely to open up. Don’t put pressure on someone to tell you what they are feeling if they can’t or don’t want to. Alternatively, make it clear that you are there for them if they want to talk or gently let them know you have concerns.

Set up an anti- loneliness Christmas event
Setting up group activities either online or offline can also help people to feel included. It might be fun to organise an online pub quiz or watch a film with someone as a way of staying connected. If someone is struggling, they may appreciate an activity which can get their mind off things.

Talk to other mates
Telling another friend of your concerns can be very helpful. A team approach to making sure someone isn’t feeling down or alone means there is less stress on one person.

Care for carers
It can be really hard to look after someone who isn’t well. The end of the year can be exhausting for everyone especially if you are providing care for a loved one or family member who isn’t well. Taking the time to reach out, ask how they are, take them for a coffee or offer to listen if they need it. Could you organise something fun for them or bring them a present to cheer them up?

Offer to decorate
Many disabled or chronically ill people may not feel well enough to decorate their homes. Can you offer to pop over and help them put up some decorations or take them down when they need to?

Invite someone for Christmas
Are you in a position to have someone over for Christmas? People can be on their own for multiple of reasons and may not feel comfortable asking to join your family for the day. If you suspect someone might be on their own – why not offer a seat at the table for dinner or offer to pop over afterwards?

If there are a group of you that are without a place to go for Christmas – why not organise a day together? You can split the responsibilities and the cost between you and it means that no one is on their own. It can also mean you discover a new Christmas tradition!

Click here to read more about loneliness and disability 

New Year’s Eve and loneliness

New Year’s Eve is another time when people may struggle as they don’t have family or friends around. Some may not feel up to going to crowded bars or may worry that pub or club is not accessible. Could you potentially hold a drinks evening or film night that evening at your house instead? Or offer to go to theirs armed with a cheeky prosecco and party poppers?

Check if a pub/nightclub is accessible
New Year is one of the biggest nights out of the year but it can be difficult to navigate for disabled people. If you are organising drinks or a night out, check ahead of time that the pub or club that you choose is accessible for people.

Not sure how to choose somewhere to go? Ask don’t assume someone’s access requirements and that will help you narrow down a few spots. It could be that someone needs a quieter pub because they are neurodivergent and may struggle with crowds or if someone is a wheelchair user then they may need step-free access.

Download our free resource on how to choose an accessible venue

If you are struggling with loneliness or just need a chat: here are some helplines or websites that may help you

Contact
Mind –  0300 123 3393 / info@mind.org.uk
Samaritans – 116 123 / jo@samaritans.org
Calm – 0800 58 58 58 /
Childline (under 19) – 0800 1111

Websites
Age UK
Marmalade Trust
WaveLength
Samaritans 

Love Lounge

All five of the incredible Quest sex toys from the new range

Introducing Quest: our new line of inclusive sex toys

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

We are beyond thrilled to introduce you to the Quest line of sex toys developed with our partners, Rocks Off. We’ve taken our time to get everything perfect and you know what they say….. good things come to those who wait.

We all have to start somewhere: workshops and focus groups

What a journey! Going on a Quest is always better in a group so with that in mind, we consulted with colleagues, friends, family and disability communities to find out what you really wanted.

We held ideation workshops, focus groups and meetings focused on discovering what people really need from their sex toys.

We realised that buying a toy is a journey which starts from the moment you think about potentially purchasing a new product. As a team we truly considered the experience for those with physical, sensory or cognitive impairments.

This meant examining how easily the toys could be bought, the packaging opened, the toy charged and the instructions understood. Of course, we also considered product use and enjoyment for those living independently and within support environments.

Shop the new range by clicking here

The Quest launch party in London

Features

When it came time for design, our focus groups and workshops had clear ideas of what we needed to include.

We’ve put this into practice by adding: remote controls for solo or couple play, Silicone straps, large tactile buttons, magnetic snap charging, visual and harpic feedback as settings change, easy operation, contrasting colours, Braille and QR codes for audio descriptions of product and pull tab packaging

But that’s not all.

We want to hear from you about the design. You can leave us reviews or let us know what you think.

the quest range pink wrist strap remote control

Features in focus:

Here are three of our favourite features in more focus.

Remotes and wrist straps

The design of the wrist strap and remote is ideal for anyone who may have mobility issues or different grip strengths. It allows you to take control, or your partner, for up to ten meters away for hands-free fun.

Bigger Buttons

Who has time for tricky buttons or small switches?

We’ve created large, raised buttons which are easy to access and ideal for users with visual impairments. It’s also great for neurodivergent people who may prefer to focus on sensations, not instruction manuals.

Sensory feedback

We’ve added LED lights and vibrations that can let you know when the product is turned on or off and charging. So you won’t be left in the dark about what your product is doing.

A Quest for accessible packaging

Packaging can be really tricky especially when you just want to get to your new favourite toy as quickly as possible.

We’ve designed the Quest boxes to allow access for those with visual impairments to neurodiversity to those with less dexterity. The boxes have a simple pull tab that can be used with a finger or mouth which allows the contents to glide out of the box.

The colour palette has been carefully selected along with font size and placement. There are also braille QR codes that load audio product descriptions.

Other features include:

  • Remote controls with silicone straps
  • Large tactile buttons
  • Magnetic snap charging
  • Both visual and haptic feedback as settings change
  • Easy operation and use

Want to learn more about the Quest line of toys then click here

Body safe materials

It’s important to make sure that when you are shopping for new toys, you stay safe. With this in mind, our partner, Rocks Off carries out rigorous lab testing which ensures the toys are produced in a sterile, clean environment.

When it comes to materials, we use ABS plastic which is non-porous, and durable along with medical-grade silicone which is non-allergenic. All toys use premium metals with no nasty nickels or cheap alloys.

Would you like to learn more about Rocks Off body safe material? You can click here to visit the Rocks Off page

Sustainability

Rocks Off has also thought about how to make the products as sustainable as possible. The packaging is recyclable, and biodegradable and has been certified as sustainable by the Forest Stewardship Council.

Each product is packaged in cardboard covered in a biodegradable coating, all sourced from FSC-certified suppliers.

When it comes to the toys themselves, we used ABS plastic which can be recycled along with medical-grade silicone.

 

Interested in reading more about body safe sex toys and how to find them? You can read our detailed blog on what to look for and what to avoid!

Safe sex toys: how to shop, store and clean your new favourite products

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

There are a lot of considerations that go into buying sex toys that go beyond size, shape and how many speeds it has.

Did you know that the material it is made from or the lube you plan to use with it can make a difference?

Here are our top tips for making sure you sex toy shop as safely as possible.

Material

Sadly, not all sex toys are created equally as some can be made from materials that might actually harm our health. One such material is phthalates which are a group of chemicals used to make plastics more durable and soft. Scarily, they have been linked to endocrine disruption, reproductive toxicity and cancer. They may occur in personal care products including sex toys, cosmetics especially nail varnish and eyelash glue.

Sometimes these materials can occur in cheaper or older products on the market meaning that you need to shop carefully.

Be careful of porous and slightly porous products so that you can properly clean your toys and destroy any lurking bacteria. Some non-porous materials which are body-safe include ABS plastic, pyrex, stainless steel and silicone. Most sex toys are made from silicone because it is softer yet still easy to clean.

When it came time to choose materials for the Quest products, we created the range from ABS plastic which is a form of hard plastic that is chemically inert. This means it doesn’t react to other chemicals and is safe to be paired with lubricants while being non-toxic and non absorbent. We also used medical-grade silicone to create some of the toys while using premium metals for those with motors. This means no nickel or cheap alloys which will keep your toy going for longer.

View the Quest range by clicking here

Storing sex toys

While all of us are guilty of having a secret hiding place, there are things we need to do to ensure our toys stay clean and in good condition.

You need to store a vibrator in a clean, dry place as moisture can destroy batteries or the motor. Always store a sex toy allow from different materials where there might be chemicals that can react with each other. In case things have gotten hot under the covers in more ways than one, allow a vibrator to cool before putting it back into its hiding place. Keep an eye on overheating over time as it may mean the motor is overheating.

If this happens, switch it off, let it cool down before using again.

Latex

People can have allergies which means shopping carefully. This may mean being extra aware of added fragrances or ingredients in lubricants. It can also extend to sex toys in that some people may struggle with latex or where there are bits of metal, materials such as nickel can cause issues. This can be avoided with latex-free toys and also, stainless steel.

Sex toys and Lube

It’s important to note the material that your toys are made from so that you can find a good lubricant to match. Some lubes such as oil-based products are not suitable for silicone sex toys as they degrade the material breaking it down. This can cause splits, holes and fraying which allows bacteria to get into the product passing it to the user.

Matching silicone or latex products to the right lubricant doesn’t have to be difficult as you just need to make sure they are waterproof. Not only that but be careful what ingredients the water base contains as CBD for example is not water solube. It needs to state that it is safe to be used with condoms or sex toys.

Batteries

Batteries and water do not mix so be very careful with which toys are water friendly and which ones are not before you have that relaxing post-work bath. Some batteries may leak over time which means you need to stop using a toy immediately and avoid any contact with the skin.

How to clean your sex toys

So you’ve done the thing, bought the toy and shopped carefully….now what? Sex toys need to be cleaned regularly, especially after use with a new partner. But how?

Hand washing

Gently hand wash the toy with warm water and a mild soap. You will need to determine how waterproof a toy is before and also remove the batteries before a wash. Splash proof and waterproof are very different things: waterproof means a toy can go into a certain depth of water but splash proof can’t.

Disinfecting and sanitising can mean a toy is free from any nasty bacteria that may linger after a quick wash.

Avoid any harsh chemicals or overly fragranced soaps as they may cause irritation. Allow the toys to air dry before popping them back in the drawer or box under the bed. You can also pat dry with a clean towel if you need to.

There are cleaning wipes and sprays that you can buy at sex shops but it’s worth a chat with staff to make sure they are compatible with the product you have.

You can disinfect 100% silicone, stainless steel or glass toys by boiling them for three minutes. In the case of glass toys, place a soft towel in the water to avoid it moving around and causing cracks off the side of the pan. They need to be air-dried afterwards.

You can use the dishwasher with certain non-mechanised 100% silicone toys, glass or stainless steel. Although, you may want to consider not adding fabric softener to the mix. It’s also worth noting that this isn’t as effective as a boil wash.

Interested in sex toys? Why not read more by clicking the links below:

Disability and Male Masturbation Toys

Two women sitting in bed kiss while being lit up by fairly lights to highlight how ADHD may affect your sex life.

ADHD Awareness Month: can ADHD affect your sex life?

By Disability, Undressing Disability

October marks the start of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) Awareness Month but what does that actually mean for those of us who are diagnosed with it?

When it comes to ADHD, I can’t tell you the number of ways it affects me from my workplace to my travel to, unfortunately, my relationships. There is so little out there for adults with ADHD in terms of research, especially for those of us who are queer, transgender or non-binary. When it comes to sex, the information can leave a lot to be desired.

However embracing our sexuality, and our ADHD, is important. While ADHD can make things like choosing the right toy or reaching orgasm more difficult, it’s not impossible. Communication and education can go a long way.

Here are three of the biggest things I wish I had known about sex, my brain and ADHD.

1 – Focus

One of the biggest stereotypes about ADHD is that we can’t focus. In reality, it’s not quite that simple as ADHD-ers struggle with regulating focus- either too much or too little. We cannot get our brain to focus if we don’t want to or break focus if we are locked into something we find interesting.

In the bedroom, that lack of focus can be a libido killer in that it can make it hard for us to stay in the mood, maintain an erection or achieve orgasm. The results of that can be a frustrating experience for everyone involved.

The opposite is true sometimes in that we can be so focused on everything around us that we find it hard to make time for sex. Coupled with a lower sex drive, I find that I can get so lost in my work that I fail to notice the hours slip past before it’s too late and a partner is already asleep.

Read more: As a neurodivergent person, how do I recognise abuse in my relationship?

2- Overwhelming

When it comes to sex toys, I never really got the hype but I also never considered this may not be my fault. So few are designed with neurodiversity in mind that they often arrive with overly complicated instructions, flashing buttons and LED-what-the-hells!??! By the time I have navigated the box, I have little spare mental energy to engage with pairing it to my phone.

Overwhelm can lead to a lot of not-sexy emotions including frustration, anger and sadness. Many ADHD people will experience shutdowns or meltdowns which are exhausting and can cause someone to completely withdraw.

It’s not just about toys though as some lubricants or massage lotions can be too much for neurodivergent people. The smell or texture can be too overpowering or feel uncomfortable on the skin. If that happens, it can make people feel awkward, anxious, nauseated or panicked. It may also ruin the mood by being the only thing they can notice in the room.

3 – Risk

When we make a decision to have sex we calculate a risk. We make a decision to wear a condom, use lubricants that are safe with our toys or bodies or we choose our partners carefully based on a number of factors. Those of us with ADHD struggle with decision-making as we can be impulsive and look for the potential reward that comes with taking a risk.

The bad thing is that there isn’t always a reward. A study in 2017 revealed that teenage girls with ADHD are three times more likely to get pregnant accidentally while ADHD boys are twice as likely to get someone pregnant.

Another study on medicated and unmedicated ADHD patients revealed those without medication were three times as likely to contract a sexually transmitted infection. Interestingly, the same study showed that medication cut this risk by 40%.

Interested in ADHD? Here are more stories you might like to read:

Photo of Sandie with their hand on the side of their face, smiling looking to the side.

Defy Society’s Expectations: A Guide to Overcoming the Challenges of Building Body Confidence

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

TW Eating Disorder, Abuse, Ableism

 

Society is a high maintenance significant other, it’s not shy about placing impossible expectations on disabled people when it comes to how we should feel about our bodies. However, it is possible to defy these preconceived notions and build your own body confidence from the ground up. Today, I would like to share my personal journey of overcoming the distinct challenges that accompany living with a disability, all while striving for body neutrality and positivity. Additionally, I proudly identify as queer and non-binary, to add a bit of extra spice to the mix. I will also provide tips and resources for you, dear reader, if you’re looking to do the same, so that you can begin to reclaim your self worth and be truly confident in your own skin.

The Before: A Portrait of Misplace Worth

Let me start from the beginning. Before my disability, my worth seemed tied to unhealthy measures. How I looked mattered more than it should have, but given my history of traumatic  rejection and a life full of drama, it’s not surprising. I controlled my outward appearance because I couldn’t control my pain. The only thing I seemed to have control over was what I ate, or rather, what I didn’t. And it worked, to some extent. I stumbled through life in a blind haze, just trying to survive without many skills beyond that. I pretended everything was fine, until it wasn’t. When I became disabled, the inability to exercise and a slew of medications quickly changed my physical appearance. This was not ideal for someone who believed they had to look a certain way to be worthy of love. And so, I tried to ignore this uncomfortable new reality, plastering on smiles whenever someone asked, “how are you?”

The Turning Point: When Old Coping Strategies Fail

Then came the day when all my control tactics failed and my coping strategies went out the  window. I was left completely helpless. Let’s summarise this section of my life as the “dark and twisty time” aptly named by Meredith Grey. I found myself an empty shell, curled on the floor in the shadows of my bedroom. All the ways to find my self-worth vanished with my mobility, replaced by ableist views and a body that refused to look recognisable in the mirror.

Emerging into Light: Choosing A Path of Self-Love

Eventually, there came a time, an end to that darkness. At the fork in the road, I chose to fill the void with things that shaped my self-worth from a foundation of love and belief in myself. I realised I deserved to be happy and would be okay, just as I am, without the need for change or approval from others. I discovered the disabled community and started connecting with people who shared similar experiences. It was a revelation to realise that I wasn’t the issue; it was the world around me. What an incredible day, dear reader!

Uncharted Territory: Embracing the New Disabled Me

Society expects disabled individuals to conform, but I realised I didn’t fit that mould. I wanted to be bold, proud, and shiny! I didn’t want to fade into the background. And the best part? There were no “society police” to hold me back. It felt like discovering the power to fly! The joy and freedom were exhilarating. It was time to embrace the fun!

A Critical Eye: Society’s Obsession with “Self-improvement”

Over the last 5 years as a full-time wheelchair user, I’ve had fun times and faced struggles. But it  can be hard to embrace a changed body when society tells us to “fix” what we don’t like. What if we don’t want to, what if we can’t? Why are we always judged? The critical eye surrounds us, from screens to magazines. I say, it’s time to change our mindset, not our bodies.

The Struggle for Independence: A Lesson in Acceptance

Losing mobility or health can result in a loss of independence, which was personally one of the toughest challenges for me to overcome. I used to hate asking for help. I saw it as a sign of  weakness but I’ve grown a lot in the last 5 years. Now I see accepting help as what it is, a simple division of labour. They help me, I’ll do something else another time. Maybe. Maybe I won’t but it doesn’t really matter, it evens out in the end. Coming to terms with this can be difficult, there may be ways to regain independence or maybe not. Take a moment, reflect on what truly matters. It could be a transformative time of self-discovery and growth. Remember that empty shell? Perhaps this is an opportunity to build something from the ground up, a chance to turn towards
happiness.

Beyond Media Stereotypes of Disability: The Beautiful Truth

While there has been improvement, the portrayal of disabled bodies in the media still falls short. We come in all shapes and sizes, beautifully unique. If all anyone sees is a watered-down version, it can be challenging to see your own beauty.

Battling Bias: Rising Above Society’s Views

But it’s a harmful lie. Our magnificent variations make us all beautiful. The curve of a body, our movement or stillness, our quiet – all so very beautiful. If all mountain ranges looked the same, why would we travel? If all trees had the same shape, who would meditate in a forest? Nature creates everything uniquely, fostering diversity and making the world more beautiful. My heart aches for those who feel unworthy or unloved. Anger fuels my ongoing fight against an unaccepting society, and I’m far from finished.

Helpful Hints: Building Connection with Your True Self

Discovering your true self and embracing your disabled body can be challenging in a society that ignores our needs. Here are some tips to help you connect, accept and respect your body.

  • Find your people! When I joined the disability community online it was an absolute turning point. You need people who’ll support you without the need for explanation. Those are your people. Nurture those friendships and get a good network of professionals while you’re at it, a good doctor is a wondrous thing!
  • Be kind to yourself. How often have you spoken harsh words to your reflection? Your brain hears and believes you! Instead be compassionate and gentle. It matters.
  • If you want to set goals, make them realistic. Move towards your goal with kindness, rather than with judgment. Look for guidance in line with your new beliefs. Strive for self-neutrality when self-love feels inadequate, as it could lead you to your ultimate destination.
  • Remember, as an incredible disabled person, you are more than just that. Your personality has many facets, and you possess lots of skills and abilities unrelated to your disability. These aspects will provide perspective, especially if you feel overwhelmed by your new disabled body.

The Danger of Looking Back: Avoiding the Nostalgia Trap

Don’t spend all your time looking backwards. It’s not just bad for your neck, but also harmful to  your mental health! Focusing only on what was and no longer is prevents you from being all you can be and appreciating beauty in the now. While it’s fine to reminisce, remember that we often sugar coat the past. The key to happiness really starts with accepting our reality.

Body Confidence: A Journey, Not a Destination

Building a new relationship with your body takes time, effort, and dedication. Just like any other relationship, it requires respect and love. It becomes even more challenging when dealing with disability or chronic illness. So, be kind to yourself if you find this aspect of your life difficult. Progress may not always be linear, but we’ve all been thrown back to square one and will be again. When we quite literally don’t fit into society – in marketing, in governmental decisions, literally in buildings, it’s no wonder we find it hard to feel confident and stand up for ourselves. We are being told we don’t matter every single day – from when we are trying to buy a pint of milk through to who’s last in line for life saving medical services.

Your Toolkit: Strategies for Building Body Confidence

But the fact is we do matter, our bodies are beautifully valid just as much as the next person’s – disabled or not.
Some ways you can look to build your arsenal of strength towards your body confidence journey are:

  • Curate your social media feeds. You’re in charge here. Remove accounts that make you feel bad and keep those that make you feel good. Surround yourself with accounts that inspire and align with the life you’ve chosen. This is a powerful tool at your disposal, and you’re in control!
  • Look for support through therapy. It acts as a gym for your heart, mind, and soul, requiring regular workouts to keep healthy.
  • Don’t underestimate the power of a good group of friends. Talk to them!
  • Look up support from organisations such as www.spokzpeople.org.uk, www.scope.org.uk, and of course there’s all the community and resources available at the Undressing Disability Hub.

The Final Word: We Matter

Here’s the bottom line, dear reader, each of our bodies is beautifully unique and wonderfully diverse, not confined to the limitations of a cookie-cutter shape, and society might have a bit of a problem with that, but we don’t. Because our bodies carry us through life, they endure, they persevere. They’re a testament to our strength and resilience – we might not have wanted it but that’s what we got. We ARE strong and resilient, we ARE spectacularly diverse and that’s worth more than fitting into some cookie-cutter mould. So next time you hear yourself speak sharply to your reflection, or find you spend too much time reminiscing and end up feeling resentful of your present situation, pause. Take a deep breath. And remind yourself that you matter, your body matters, and it’s long overdue for the world to recognise that.
And maybe, just maybe you’re one to help change things – one small act of self love at a time.

Sandie Roberts, Disability Advocate, Content Creator, Writer & PT Model

photograph of a cobble street with autumn leaves on the floor. There is a bright red heart placed on the ground.

Unrequited Love

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Jennie Williamson, our CEO, and Charlotte Faragher recently went live on our instagram to discuss unrequited love. Charlotte has written a poem about unrequited love as a disabled person which is written in full below. If you want to listen/watch our Jennie and Charlotte’s discussion head over to our instagram and watch their livestream on our profile!

Not What You Need

by Charlotte Faragher

I stand here broken, dejected, alone,
I thought I’d finally found a person to call my own.
I truly put my heart on the line,

Yet now I feel a heartbreak so very hard to define.

When we first met it felt different, unique.
Yet now my soul is impossibly bleak.
I felt it all the trust, the lust, the pain,

Resounding, compounding in my head like an endless refrain.
Part of me believed we were of the same accord,
Yet I fell hopelessly, irretrievably in love with none of the reward.

If only my body were more agile,

Perhaps you would have been more inclined to hold me a while.

If only my body had been created stronger,
Perhaps you would tell me a problem and feel sad no longer.

I hate how my CP gets in the way
Of many an activity both night and day
Going from nightclub A to nightclub B

Is something of an obstacle course when you are with me

I sometimes wonder when friends show care
If they would really rather, I wasn’t there
This all-consuming irritation

Is emblematic of the instant gratification generation.
Where we seek pleasure in the quickest time
Anyone who hinders this is out of line.

I hate how long simple tasks take

Fun evenings out can seem something of a ball ache.
I wonder if I’m the blunder, stopping people having fun
Like that one rainy grey cloud eclipsing the sun.

I also muse if I’m a massive interference to those that raised me – aka my parents

Yet they’ve never outwardly berated or complained
Doing their best to ensure the happiest of homes is maintained.

Yet I’m sure I’ve caused them much strife
By the restrictions I have placed on their life.

I’ve always hated my disability and how it makes me stand out
Yet, you saw the person beyond the chair, what I was truly about
You boldly stepped up, were a true friend, did not treat me like a flower.

And it’s because of this that I so desperately wish
Our hilarious excursions, our vulnerable heart to hearts

Lasted forever not mere hours.

Personable, passionate, hilarious, arty
Gentle yet fun-loving the life of the party .
I did dream of you at night in bed

It’s hard to believe you’re not some fairy tale prince I’ve made up in my head.

I often question how it has not unfurled

That everyone does not adore you along with the Hemsworth’s,

Elba’s and Effron’s of the world.
Nevertheless, you have a girl on your arm
And I remain in a sorrowful balm.

I’ve never met the girl who won your heart
She’s probably just like you; attractive, astute, resolute

in being kind to others and into art.
She’s probably someone I’d love to befriend
even though I love you too this isn’t like some romcom where
the beautiful girl with an ugly heart is exposed by movies end.

I tried to suppress my feelings at first, I thought it wasn’t worth believing,

and yet I soon realized that I couldn’t not be in love
any more than one can stop breathing.

What I was feeling was childlike fodder, the stuff of fairy tales from long ago,
nonsensical word vomit, sweaty palms, but then loves raw and unyielding

confusion hit me like a blow.

I was definitely in love wished we could be like ties that bind
Sometimes you nearly drive me out of my mind.
What I wouldn’t give to have you hold me in your arms

To have you really look at me and have it resonate that you have zero qualms

About my body and me exactly as they are.

To have you hold me, talk with me, love me, caress me and adore me

Until we see the morning’s first star.
But you clearly don’t view me that way
It makes my heart feel deathly cold
Why won’t you love the way I want
Be courageous in your feelings, be bold
Why is it taking everything I have not to kiss you?
If you thought the same this would not be an issue.
Yet you still see me as just a dear friend.
Sometimes these feelings get so messy

The noise is so loud I struggle to comprehend.

Life as it is all I want is you,
Yet even if it only took a fraction of time
to carry out my most desired actions,
It would devastate your girlfriend too.
I’m not a home wrecker can’t let three lives implode
So, though this is the hardest thing my heart can bear.

We have to say to goodbye forever
Go down our separate roads.

It’s clear your lover is good
She has the best intentions at heart

And I need to learn to love my body and self so much more
Quieten negative voices and make a fresh start.
Just because we didn’t pan out
Does not mean I wouldn’t be a perfect match
For one of the 7 billion people in the world
The right guy will realize that I am quite the catch
And I will be able to hold him up too

Just as she is a confident cheerleader, supporter to you
I hope to God, she never deliberately hurts you, takes you for granted
Endlessly appreciates, celebrates the astonishing gift of the man

she has been handed.

So now as I stand here forever changed by you
Internally my heart continues to bleed
I try not to cry but whisper “good bye”
I’m sorry I’m not what you need

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