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sex and disability Archives | Page 3 of 6 | Enhance the UK

Feb 17
Sex when you have a live-in PA A man kisses a womans neck as she lies on a bed, their hands are entwined

Sex when you have a live-in PA

By The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Hello,

My question is about sex when you have a live-in PA as I worry about the thought of having sex when she’s around. I’ve been a wheelchair user for 8 years and haven’t had a sexual relationship in this time. It has become a big issue for me because I always have a live-in PA.

I worry about how I can have sex – either in a relationship or a one-night stand because I don’t know how the logistics will work. I’m not very sexually open/confident and the thought of my PA knowing I’m having sex in the other room freaks me out.

Also, would they have to get me on the bed in preparation? I just feel it’s going to ruin any sexy moment and what will the guy think of me? I’ll feel unsexy and like a child being helped.

Hoping you can give me some advice or support if you’ve had any experience of this before?

Steph, 30.

Our Answer

Hi Steph,

Thanks so much for writing to us! We often get asked this question about sex when you have a live-in PA.

There are a couple of things here; how close you feel with your live-in PA and if you have different ones? And, about owning your right to have a sex life. At ETUK we believe everyone has the right to have a sex life, no matter their situation!

So firstly, try and work on your confidence to be able to tell your PA what you want or need. Say ‘I want this to happen and I’d love for you to make it easier for me as I’m embarrassed’. They are there to enable these things to happen. You don’t have to worry about what someone else is thinking, it’s not their life. This is yours.

Expressing your Needs

I understand it may feel difficult to be open with them, making yourself emotionally vulnerable. But you can say as much or as little as you want to, whilst keeping yourself safe. I have found that being open and sharing things I’m embarrassed about can feel like the most scary thing. However, once you’ve let it out of your mouth and someone reacts kindly to it, it’s the most liberating thing ever! And you will then be confident to share more!

The Logistics

This is where the relationship with your PA will play a part. If they change and you have a favourite, start discussing it with that one and plan for the ‘event’ to happen when they’re staying with you. When you’ve done it once with one PA, then I’m sure it will be easier to do it again when another is with you. This means you won’t have to restrict sexy time to a particular week!!! Your live-in PA can always go out for a couple of hours so you have sex in complete privacy. But if that’s not safe for you, tell them turn their TV up! 😉

As for help in the bedroom, I don’t know your mobility needs but perhaps the guy you have sex with will be happy to help you. It can become sexy in itself… moving you on to the bed, kissing you in between stages…keeping the excitement going. Blokes like something different! And then he can undress you if you need help. This can be as slow or fast as you want – it can all be very tantalising.

Have confidence that if he wants to have sex with you, he won’t be worrying about the logistics of getting there! Don’t apologise for it, and JUST HAVE FUN!!!

Hope this helps.
Zoe x

 

Next question
Oct 30
Worried About My Boyfriend's Behaviour - a woman sits leaning against the back of the sofa looking sad, her boyfriend wears a blue and white checked shirt, has dark hair and a beard and stares into the distance looking grumpy

Worried About My Boyfriend’s Behaviour

By Disability, The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I’m worried about my boyfriend’s behaviour. We met about 4 months ago and things have moved fast. We are crazy about each other and he has moved in. At first it was all very romantic, and he made me feel great. He complimented my appearance and was kind and generous and loving. My family are happy that I’ve met someone but wanted me to wait a while longer before he moved in, worrying I might get hurt as this is my first relationship. I dismissed their concerns as I’m 27 and wish they’d stop babying me. My mum was my carer until I got a PA and my own flat a few years ago, and she can forget I’m not a kid anymore.

In the last few weeks, my boyfriend has been short tempered and a lot less affectionate. Little things about me seem to annoy him. When we’re with friends and family he is fine but when we’re alone he frequently makes comments about my weight and has told me that I’m ‘stupid’ and ‘dense.’ I think he might also have used my bank card as it went missing from my wallet then reappeared. I have cried about this which made him more annoyed so I’m nervous of talking to him about his mood in case I make it worse. I know that couples can ‘have their moments’ as my sister so it may just be the norm?

Advice welcome.

 

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us.

First things first, anything that makes you feel this upset and unhappy isn’t the norm.  Couples absolutely ‘have their moments’ but you are right to be worried about your boyfriend’s behaviour change. He is being neither kind nor respectful to you by the sounds of it, and this behaviour should not be accepted.

It’s good to hear that everything was great at the beginning. Has anything changed dramatically for your partner since then? Big changes at work, with money or even with family and friends can have a major impact on how we behave. And whilst it doesn’t make what he’s doing right, it might explain the reasoning behind his behaviour.

It is worrying that your boyfriend is only acting this way when you’re alone. This suggests to me that he knows the way he is acting is not acceptable.

Communication is key here. You must let him know plainly and simply (without getting too emotional if you can) that you won’t stand for comments from him that are demeaning or degrading. You won’t accept comments that make you feel bad about yourself – no-one deserves that in a relationship.

At the same time, let him know that if there is anything going on for him that you can help with, you’d be more than happy to. And if you can’t help, you’ll support him to sort it out himself. Remind him that you love him and of how great everything was at the beginning. But to get back to that, he must change his ways and how he treats you.

Tread carefully regarding the bank card – he might have genuinely picked yours up by mistake – and if no money has left your account, it seems unnecessary to accuse him of stealing. Have a chat with him about everything. How he reacts will probably tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship.

Good luck!
Em x

 

Send Us Your Questions

Can our team help with a dating dilemma, sex or relationship question? Get in touch and we’ll do our utmost to find the answers you need. Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and twitter @ETUKUndressing.

 

Next question
Oct 07
Turning Pain into Pleasure -A long haired bearded man in an open shirt bares his hairy chest whilst kissing a fair skinned dark haired woman

Turning Pain Into Pleasure

By Disability, The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Hi,

My question is about turning pain into pleasure. I really want to go further with a girl I met recently. I experience a lot of pain on a daily basis due to my condition, and wanted to know if there’s anything you recommend to help me turn that pain into pleasure? It’s scaring me a bit and I’m avoiding those intimate conversations.

Thanks

S

Our Answer

Hi S,

Thank you for reaching out about turning pain into pleasure. You are not alone. Pain can be a problem for lots of people and it is understandably daunting having these conversations. The most important thing is to take everything at your own pace and take the time to explore what you do and do not enjoy.

My first piece of advice is to follow any pain management techniques provided by your doctor. This could be medication, a hot bath or knowing what time of day you may be at your worst level of pain. This will hopefully set you up to succeed in your bedroom adventures before you have even begun.

When people talk about turning pain into pleasure it is often assumed they are talking about inflicting pain and for many people this may be true. However there are many ways to turn existing pain into a pleasurable experience. This can be especially effective as the hormones released during sexual experiences have been shown to increase our pain tolerance levels. I have outlined some suggestions below and all of these can be enjoyed either alone or with a partner.

Whilst all these suggestions can be used in a sexual context it can also be used outside of the bedroom. Spending some time increasing your awareness of your own body may help reduce some of the anxieties around engaging in intimate conversations. It is also important you are aware of any reduced sensitivity or vulnerable parts of your body to avoid accidental injury.

1. Pressure

Applying pressure can often distract the neural pathways conveying the pain, this could be applied to the area of pain or to any part of the body. Ways of doing this may be through a massage, being gripped or held tightly or being bound firmly with a restraint, rope, or clothing.

2. Sensory deprivation

Using a blindfold or headphones to block out some sensory input can often make it easier to concentrate on other things. This can be used to help get past the distraction of pain and focus on the more pleasurable sensations created by whatever it is you or your partner is doing.

3. Hot/cold

It’s common practice to apply heat or cooling to painful areas to relieve pain. This can also be applied to other parts of the body including erogenous zones to draw your attentions away from your painful sensations. It can also be used to induce a different type of pain than the one you experience daily if that is something you find enjoyable.

4. Pain

An important thing to remember is there are different types of pain and there is no set way to work out what each person will like as everyone is different. Some people may even experience sensations such as tickling as painful so these could also be tried. A rough outline is to create a dull pain you would be looking at large flat objects such as paddles, the longer and thinner the object the more it will be a stinging sensation. Scratching or prickling pains can be created by things as simple as fingernails, teeth or a device called a Wartenberg wheel or pinwheel. Finally things such as pegs or clamps can be used to create a pinching sensation.

I hope this has helped guide your exploration.

Kat

Have you got a question for our Love Lounge sexperts? Get in touch and we’ll do our best to help.

For all our updates on topics relating to dating, relationships, sex and disability follow us on Instagram and Twitter. #LoveLoungeUK #UndressingDisability

 

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Sep 18
The Love Abilities Festival logo against a dark background with the dates 15th - 19th October 2020

The Love Abilities Virtual Sexuality and Disability Festival

By Undressing Disability

Empowerment

We at Enhance the UK are super excited by the upcoming Love Abilities Festival.  The festival aims to change the belief that disabled people have no desire for love, sex, and intimacy. It aims to empower disabled people with the skills, knowledge and resources to lead the fullest lives possible. And for their caregivers, lovers and allies to help support or be part of their life.  This is a festival that’s right up our street!

Love Abilities

The Love Abilities Festival takes place over 5 days starting on the 15th of October.   There will be 29 sessions and 50 presenters spanning 6 countries.  There is something for everyone in the programme from ‘Sex, the Law, Disability Rights and Fun’ to a workshop on ‘The Art of Teasing’.  If you’ve signed up the sessions are available for 30 days after the event.

  Jennie Williams Presenter at Love Abilities Festival

Dating with Disabilities

Jennie & Emily from our team will be on the ‘Dating with Disabilities’ panel alongside Dr Richard Bruno and Michelle Donald.

And our resident Love Lounge sexpert and occupational therapist Katherine Sellors is on the BDSM panel.

Love Abilities Festival panellist Kat Sellors

Tickets

You can get your tickets and find more information on https://loveabilities.org/ We hope to see you then!

Have you joined our Undressing Disability Hub yet? It’s a free online space where anyone with an interest in the topic of sex and disability can share knowledge, information, ideas and experiences. Sign up today.

Find us on twitter and Instagram, search hashtag #UndressingDisability.

Jul 23

Launch of the Undressing Disability Hub

By Undressing Disability

We’ve been working on an exciting new project for quite a while now – our Undressing Disability Hub. The Hub is an online networking platform where anyone can sign up for a free membership and share experiences, ideas, awareness campaigns and educational resources around the topic of sex and disability.

Our Aim

We encourage you to sign up and make new connections. We hope that together we can make progress and positive changes within this field, and show that we all deserve access to sexual expression, sensuality and safe, fun and satisfying relationships.

Knowledge and Ideas

We hope that as a member you’ll use the space to shout loudly about the projects you’re working on, any ideas you have and encourage others to sign up and do the same. We’ll make more of a splash in furthering change when we work together, and the Hub – that we like to call ‘the sexy little sibling of LinkedIn’ – is here to help us all do just that!

Working Together 

What we do at Enhance the UK has collaboration and communication at its heart, as does the reason why our Undressing Disability campaign – and therefore our Hub – was set up in the first place.

Inclusive Sex Education

Over 10 years ago, our CEO, Jennie Williams, was working within the care sector and realised that, not only was sexual expression not being discussed or appearing on any care plans, disabled people weren’t being viewed as capable or deserving of sensuality or intimacy. Be this through masturbation or with a partner. Years later, relationships and sex education is nowhere near as inclusive as many of us would like it to be, and organisations are still caring for others without any policy or procedure relating to relationships and intimacy, as well as safeguarding for their staff on this issue. And, until this changes, there’s plenty of work for us to be getting on with.

In signing up to and using the Undressing Disability Hub, you may want to discuss the inclusivity of sex toys and equipment or get involved in academic studies relating to sex and disability. Or even just share personal and professional experiences that then lead to collaborative projects, exciting new campaigns and, ultimately, change.

Free E-Book to celebrate Hub launch

Oh, and did we mention that when you sign up, you’ll receive a free copy of our Undressing Disability e-book, too?

We are thrilled to have created something that encourages such useful conversation and can’t wait to see this platform – and more importantly, this topic – flourish. It undoubtedly deserves to.

SIGN UP TODAY.

Keep up to date with all our latest news, articles and campaigns by connecting with our Undressing Disability campaign on twitter and Instagram.

 

Jun 07
I'm judging New Blood Awards 2020

D&AD Awards – Creativity, Diversity and Durex

By Undressing Disability

D&AD, or the Design and Art Direction is an educational charity promoting excellence in creative advertising and design. Their New Blood Awards give applicants, often students, the chance to get ahead and gain the exposure they require to start or accelerate their creative careers. Each year, real, big name clients set the briefs for the awards, with 2020’s challenges being set by the BBC, Barclays, LEGO, Nike, Durex and Penguin amongst others.

Emily wears a stripey top, dungarees with a pattern of planets and sits in front of orange patterned wallpaper

We are delighted to say that Enhance the UK were asked to support Durex with their written brief and Emily, who leads our Undressing Disability Campaign, will be one of the judges. The Durex brief is based on:

‘fighting for diverse representation and empowerment in sex for disabled people.’

 

Judging Panel

Live judging starts today, Wednesday 3rd June, and we are delighted that a Durex is challenging sexual conventions. We’re also incredibly impressed with how many creative applicants have worked on this brief, read or watched our content and got in touch with us. It is essential that we remain impartial, so sorry that we couldn’t give any of you advice but we wish you the very best through these next judging stages!

The Awards

To find out more about D&AD, the amazing New Blood Awards, and the Durex brief, please visit: https://www.dandad.org/en/d-ad-new-blood-awards/ 

Our Undressing Disability Campaign

Read more about our Undressing Disability campaign and free Love Lounge advice service.

Follow the Undressing Disability campaign on social media. We’re @ETUKUndressing on twitter and @UndressingDisability on Instagram.

Jun 07
How safe is sexting? written in black capital letters with a stress level sign below

How safe is sexting?

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Hi Love Lounge. How safe is sexting? My boyfriend and I got together 3 months ago and enjoy an active sex life. We met at the gym and got talking as we both have lost a limb, him to cancer, me to a car accident.

Funny how people come into your life at the right moment. I had recently split up with my ex and was feeling a bit down about myself and he is the pick me up I needed. We are both on the same page when it comes to sex and had been getting it on a lot prior to lockdown.
Now both living separately we’ve started having phone sex, using the video apps to get down and dirty. My boyfriend asked me to send him some saucy photos to keep and look at whenever he likes.  I’m feeling hesitant to do that. He doesn’t understand why and it’s caused an argument. I am wary of photos of me in the buff being stored somewhere and now he’s quizzing me on trust and making me feel bad. But I worry. How safe is sexting? I feel it’s a bit early in our relationship for him to have these pics. The video sex is different as we are both together in the moment and afterwards its gone.
Is it safe to send images to other people? Am I being a prude?

Our Answer

Communication

Firstly, it’s brilliant that you’ve been honest about how you feel about sexting. The fact that it’s caused a row is not necessarily a bad thing, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Setting boundaries and communicating about why these exist, and what they mean to you is important. It’s how we learn to respect one another, appreciate each other’s values and show consideration.

So how safe is sexting?

Good question! Sexting is very popular amongst consenting adults. For me, it comes back to one main factor: personal identification.

Even if you don’t post photos that show your face, your body may be identified by:

  • tattoos or birth marks
  • where you live – (posing in front of your fantastic wallpaper)
  • the data stored within an image

Reducing Risk

I’d recommend you read this article on 7 Crucial Tips to Safe Sexting . It provides information on how to remove the data from any images you choose to send. Remember that screenshots can still be taken from video calls too, so be careful there – especially if your face is in shot.

This article provides advice on How To Sext Safely.  It suggests which sites may be safer and the risks of using an app like Instagram which links to your identity.

Trust

Of course you should wholeheartedly trust anyone you send a nude to, that goes without saying. Try having an open discussion about your worries. Raise the points around the safety of sexting and what your boyfriend might do with the images (no need to argue!). Set some boundaries that you are comfortable with.

Don’t feel pressured

If he doesn’t understand or try to calm your worries by reassuring you, maybe he isn’t the guy you should be sending sexy photos to. Don’t feel under pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. Someone who respects you won’t put you in that position.

Hope this helps, and sending all best wishes,

Emily x

Have you got a question about sex and disability or intimate relationships? Write to us and our sexperts will help. Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge questions by following us on social media. On twitter we’re @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.  #UndressingDisability

Jun 07
Boring, routine sex - a woman in her 40s wearing a bra and jeans looks in a mirror, which is placed on top of a chest of drawers, applying make-up

Boring, Routine Sex

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,
I am a visually impaired woman in her 40’s and my question is about boring, routine sex. My husband of 15 years has always been a very sensual and a loving lover but lately any bedroom action has become routine like. I can’t even spice it up by fantasising in my head.  And talking to my fella about it only makes it worse. He gets really moody and implies I’m criticising him when I suggest we shake things up.

My friends and I discuss our sex lives and I don’t know if it’s an age thing, or a long term relationship thing but I know I’m not alone in needing more in the bedroom than I’m currently getting. Any tips for approaching this topic in a way that won’t bruise my husband’s ego would be ace, thanks.

Our Answer

Hello.  Boring, routine sex, as you put it, is not unusual for many couples. Especially if you’ve been together a while or have had a change in the circumstances of your relationship recently.

Communication is key

Communication of some kind is the only real answer here. Maybe you could change your approach to discussing this with your husband who is feeling defensive?

Instead of talking about boring, routine sex perhaps take it back to basics and ask him about what he likes in bed?

When we’ve been with someone for a while, it’s easy to think we know everything about them, including their fantasies and desires . As with anything in life, our tastes can change, and he might have felt unable to express this change to you. A more open, honest and positive chat might just do the trick.

What do you want out of your sex life?

If talking it through doesn’t go to plan then it’s time for Plan B. Ask yourself. What do I want from our sex life? Figure that out then make a move with something new such as:

Taking the initiative and spicing things up in a way that makes you feel sexy and in control might be the wake up call your husband needs to respond in the way you want and be more inventive in general.

Give it a go, hope this helps!

Emily x

Got a question about relationships, disabled dating or sex and intimacy? Write to us and our sexperts will offer free advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge questions by following us on social media. On twitter we’re @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.  #UndressingDisability

Jun 07
Doggy with CP - the word SEX written in orange paint on a white background with a hand

Doggy Style with CP

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge questions

Our Question

Hello,

I am male, I have Cerebral Palsy spastic quadriplegia, I am a full time wheelchair user. I have been married for nearly 8 years to an able bodied woman and we have a great sex life. My question is about doing it doggy style with CP.

Due to my disability I find certain positions difficult. I am eager to push my boundaries though. At present my wife will either go on top or we have sex on the side. I would however like to try doggy style or sex on top as I am keen to have more control.

I do struggle to get on my knees but can do it. It is then trying to stay stable and thrust.

I wondered if you could offer any advice?

Cheers, M

Our Answer

Hello mate,

Firstly, I highly commend you in continuing to be adventurous and push boundaries, it’s the way to success in everything (not just sex, but yes, obviously sex included!). So, doggy style with CP. Speaking as someone with Cerebral Palsy myself I always underestimate just how hard it is to crawl on a mattress, the indent I make creates the perfect hole to fall into!
Have you tried experimenting with different surfaces? Perhaps something firm enough that you don’t indent but soft enough that you both feel comfortable? Maybe some kind of mat? Or perhaps you could incorporate a grab-rail for some extra thrust and stability?
I’m sure a subtly worded email to the council about difficulties you have moving in bed (maybe don’t add ‘while getting my leg over’!) could get you one installed. That would give you both stability and something to help you thrust.
Have a look at liberator.com – they provide sex furniture (wedges etc) that might enable you both to try different positioning with a bit of support. Whilst these are pretty pricey, they might inspire you to get some foam yourself and have a go!
Just a few ideas, hope it helps!
Ted

Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and on twitter @ETUKUndressing. Learn more about sex and disability by purchasing our ‘Undressing Disability’ ebook priced at £5.99 All proceeds go to support our charity.

Jun 07
Sex when you have a stoma - a woman with long reddish hair sits on a bed holding a white duvet up and across her body

Sex when you have a stoma

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Hey Love Lounge team,
My question is about having sex when you have a stoma. I’m 19 and at college. I’ve got a big group of friends and a busy social life but I’ve yet to have a sexual experience. I have a stoma which I’m grateful for as it means I can live a normal life and eat and drink whatever I want. But my inexperience with sex means I’m just not sure how it would work for me in a practical sense. I do get chatted up in the pub but anything beyond flirting I close down straight away. I feel panicked about intimacy, but I know I need to get over that. My closest friends know my situation and try to be supportive but as their bodies are different to mine they can’t really help. Have you got any advice?

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us at the Love Lounge.
The good news is, we have just the person for you! Our good friend and colleague, Hannah Witton, has a stoma and talks a lot about sex and disability.  Hannah’s a fantastic YouTuber and her videos are always fun and educational.
In the video below she talks all about having sex when you have a stoma.

Her tips include:

  • emptying your stoma bag before sex
  • using stoma bags you can fold up during sex
  • and even wearing crotchless underwear to keep the stoma bag in place

So, have a watch and see if this helps you at all.

You’re only 19 – please don’t feel pressured to be doing everything your friends are doing. Only take the sexual steps that feel comfortable and right to you. And also please don’t let worrying about sex when you have a stoma make you feel any less sexy or worthy of attention and intimacy. I know lots of people who wish their partners would wear something lacy and sexy in the bedroom so, there might be that to thank your bag for in the long run!!
Good luck, and sending you all best wishes,
Em x
Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and on twitter @ETUKUndressing. Learn more about sex and disability by purchasing our ‘Undressing Disability’ ebook priced at £5.99 All proceeds go to support our charity.
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