I have become disabled in later life and unfortunately will continue to degenerate.
My wife and I have been together for 30 years and have always had differences in how we approach life.This hasn’t been such a problem but now that I am less independent it is becoming more apparent. There is a shift in the power dynamic of our relationship that I’m not comfortable with, due to her being the breadwinner. This is having an impact on us sexually too. I almost feel I have to do what she wants and that I’m not considered as much. I think I feel a bit used.
Geoff
The answer:
Hello Geoff,
Thanks for your honesty.It can be really hard for couples to adapt when disability comes into the relationship. It sure can throw out the dynamics that were there before and both of you will be dealing with a whole heap of emotions brought about by the change.
Unfortunately, a lot of disabled people can feel like they’re a burden to family members, friends etc.It sounds like you and your wife aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet, as it were, and perhaps never have – but it’s now more obvious and creating problems.I would always encourage checking in with someone regularly asking them how they’re feeling and also getting your feelings heard.Sounds easy – but not always if the other partner is defensive or doesn’t want to meet you in the middle.
I don’t know if you feel you can be vulnerable with her – particularly as you say you’re feeling a shift in power.Usually being vulnerable results in closeness, but equally you need to ensure you feel safe with her (emotionally).I guess this could play out as having a few small conversations to get her thinking, before you drop the big info about feeling used.Test the waters first.Sometimes, if you’re not feeling heard or a conversation quickly escalates into an argument, then perhaps writing a heartfelt letter could be more effective.She can read and assimilate it when calm and not so defensive.
She may be feeling like she’s carrying the load now and so then gives the air that you should be doing something for her (eg the sexual stuff) and you probably feel like you want to give back/owe her. Maybe let her know that you think she’s doing a great job and you’re proud of her. Maybe she is feeling unseen and is trying to establish a strong role for herself now that your situation is changing. We don’t know if she’s scared of the future as your condition is getting worse. People react in different ways.This could be pretty complex stuff so if things don’t improve, I would suggest going to a couples therapist where you can both safely express your fears and wishes.
Contact Us
Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern. Get in touch if you’d like some advice.
Launching our Quest range was one of the best parts of 2023 and we have been blown away by the response. We wanted to share this wonderful piece of writing by Ellie who tried a few of the Quest toys.
I’m Ellie, a 21-year-old student at Liverpool Hope University studying Disability Studies, and I identify as a disabled woman. My physical impairment goes by the name Cerebral Palsy and prevails in all four limbs of my body, meaning that I am also a powered wheelchair user.
I would say that I have always been quite confident and outgoing; however, reflecting on my secondary school experiences, this was not the case. Studying Disability Studies has been transformative and permitted me to reflect on these past experiences to reveal a new identity for myself. Framing disability as a social construction has truly shown me what it means to be confident in yourself and realise that I am entitled to access whatever I please – it’s just advocating for barrier removal. This self-actualisation has permitted me to embrace who I am, with no justifications needed, and is what got me involved with Enhance.
Growing up, the thought of sexual pleasure subtly resided in the back of my mind, but I mundanely shrugged this off. Given that I had to navigate through a somewhat segregated and ableist secondary school environment, I didn’t see sexual pleasure as a priority or a right. I know it’s a cliche, but university certainly changed my perspective about disability and my identity as a disabled young woman.
Sex, sexuality and disability
Studying the topic of sexuality and disability at university reaffirmed that disabled people have sexual desires and the right to express themselves sexually. Of course, being disabled myself, I already knew this, but the newfound self I discovered during my time at university gave me a tremendous urge to explore my options further.
I began resonating back with my younger self, recognising that the lack of information around disability and sexual pleasure made me feel quite self-conscious about my little understanding of how I can access things like sex toys, having so many questions about the functionality of using a sex toy.
Of course, growing up, I’ve tried masturbating and have always found that I can’t position my hand even to get close, or my involuntary hand movements make the attempt too forceful and uncoordinated, which is uncomfortable.
Through discovering a passion for this topic and the personal journey of self-discovery and acceptance, I plucked up the courage to contact the Love Lounge. It was so refreshing to be in an environment that encapsulated the essence of validation and advocacy. I felt incredibly at ease exploring how I could better facilitate my sexual desires, and this is where I learned about the Quest Adventure panty vibrator.
I was just compelled and amazed that adapted sex toys exist. These toys should be marketed with no question, but being absconded from sexual pleasure for most of my adolescence, this was something to get excited about! From the accessible packaging to the performance, I’ve been impressed by the product and its functionality, speaking from a disabled person’s perspective!
I’ve found that it’s more than just a toy; it’s the self-actualisation that I can masturbate, and the lack of discussion about disabled people being able to pleasure themselves is what needs addressing in society. Enhance fosters this perfectly, further empowering me to embrace my identity and instil this in other disabled girls similar to my teenage self!
Christmas can be a wonderful time of year but it can also be a really lonely one. Many disabled and neurodivergent people are more likely to struggle with loneliness – especially at a time of year that is renowned for family, friends, parties and social events. A lack of an emotional connection or people around at this time of year can make people feel depressed or anxious.
We conducted a survey in November 2021 which revealed that 47% of disabled people felt lonely frequently with 12% feeling lonely all the time. We need to recognise when people might be struggling or recognise the signs in ourselves.
It can be difficult to reach out to ask for help and our survey discovered just 20% had spoken to a professional about the impact their loneliness was having on them. However, 48% had reached out to family or friends to talk which is more positive.
In the survey, we asked people what they thought might help with 45% of disabled people reporting a hug or personal contact would be great. A further 38% suggested one-to-one time with friends also helped. Some thought that connecting with others in the disability community may help.
How can I help?
Reach out
We’ve all been there when things get busy at Christmas – not having enough mental or physical space to go for a coffee or drink with someone. It’s hard to stay in touch with people, especially during the festive season. If you haven’t seen someone in a while – why not text or call them?
Be there
Asking how someone is and taking the time to really listen is appreciated. Putting your phone down and asking questions means someone is more likely to open up. Don’t put pressure on someone to tell you what they are feeling if they can’t or don’t want to. Alternatively, make it clear that you are there for them if they want to talk or gently let them know you have concerns.
Set up an anti- loneliness Christmas event
Setting up group activities either online or offline can also help people to feel included. It might be fun to organise an online pub quiz or watch a film with someone as a way of staying connected. If someone is struggling, they may appreciate an activity which can get their mind off things.
Talk to other mates
Telling another friend of your concerns can be very helpful. A team approach to making sure someone isn’t feeling down or alone means there is less stress on one person.
Care for carers
It can be really hard to look after someone who isn’t well. The end of the year can be exhausting for everyone especially if you are providing care for a loved one or family member who isn’t well. Taking the time to reach out, ask how they are, take them for a coffee or offer to listen if they need it. Could you organise something fun for them or bring them a present to cheer them up?
Offer to decorate
Many disabled or chronically ill people may not feel well enough to decorate their homes. Can you offer to pop over and help them put up some decorations or take them down when they need to?
Invite someone for Christmas
Are you in a position to have someone over for Christmas? People can be on their own for multiple of reasons and may not feel comfortable asking to join your family for the day. If you suspect someone might be on their own – why not offer a seat at the table for dinner or offer to pop over afterwards?
If there are a group of you that are without a place to go for Christmas – why not organise a day together? You can split the responsibilities and the cost between you and it means that no one is on their own. It can also mean you discover a new Christmas tradition!
New Year’s Eve is another time when people may struggle as they don’t have family or friends around. Some may not feel up to going to crowded bars or may worry that pub or club is not accessible. Could you potentially hold a drinks evening or film night that evening at your house instead? Or offer to go to theirs armed with a cheeky prosecco and party poppers?
Check if a pub/nightclub is accessible
New Year is one of the biggest nights out of the year but it can be difficult to navigate for disabled people. If you are organising drinks or a night out, check ahead of time that the pub or club that you choose is accessible for people.
Not sure how to choose somewhere to go? Ask don’t assume someone’s access requirements and that will help you narrow down a few spots. It could be that someone needs a quieter pub because they are neurodivergent and may struggle with crowds or if someone is a wheelchair user then they may need step-free access.
I am writing for some advice as a disabled wheelchair user with a complex physical disability who has a small structure with limited and short arms and was wondering if you might be able to recommend any devices for solitary enjoyment. I would be able to put a toy over my penis if the item was easy enough to stretch open without too much strength required.
Thanks,
Tony
The Answer
I can suggest some ideas for you – and hope that some will be useable with the strength you do have.Remember, it is ok to ask a PA/carer to assist you with the use of a sex toy – they can put the attachment on your penis for you, as long as you’re not erect. And they mustn’t be in the room when the toy is switched on, or when any sexual activity is occurring.
So, now for some product ideas!! –
We have our new inclusive sex toy range, Quest, out now. There is a wand called Discover with a long handle and a grip handle for easier use with limited dexterity. If you sign up to the emails you get 25% off your first order!
A couple of other options that I often recommend are
Keon & Feel Stroker (kiiroo.com) This is a different style of toy but it is really good and you can also get accessories for it to help you hold it. It can be used interactively so may be a bit easier for you to use in that setting. Keon Accessories ǀ Kiiroo
I am a severely disabled lady with Cerebral Palsy approaching 60.
I have been messaging a man for years. it was just a general chat, but this year we have become more sexually expressive, which I am enjoying..
I have live-in care and obviously, the care workers sleep next door to me, so they would hear anything we do, and they are required to record everything they do. they would have to record that someone has visited me.
He lives in 3 hours away from me so it would just be for a meal and hopefully some intimacy when we meet up.
I have never been with an able-bodied man before, and I really want to experience that. But I am a bit nervous of his reaction if I can’t move the way able-bodied women do. I have told him how disabled I am, but I am used to shocked responses from people who haven’t seen me before.
He has said he is interested in having sex with a disabled woman and is willing to come down to a hotel for a meet up. He is happy to help me sexually if the occasion presents itself and is right.
I don’t know how to get the care worker to respect my privacy as a passionate and sexual woman – they are required to record everything they do with me and for me.
I have had a meeting with the care manager at the agency and they just said, if a care worker is with me, they have to write down what they do and where we go.
I really don’t know what to do or who to get to help with this situation. I need advice from an outside person, who isn’t judgemental, and knows that sexual activity is a human need.
Thank you for your help.
Fiona
The Answer:
It sounds lovely that your friendship with this man has developed into something titillating – and it sounds like you’re enjoying that! And like you say, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will lead to something physical on the day, as you’ll only do what you’re comfortable with.
It’s always a difficult situation when you live with care when you want some intimate private time. Of course, there are safeguarding issues with regard to the carers and agency covering themselves, however as long as you have capacity you should be able to make the life choices you want. Yes, they may need to write where you went etc but they don’t need to write intimate details. And really those notes shouldn’t be shared with anybody else other than your team. (unless of course a situation arises re safeguarding etc).
So, I guess if you don’t mind your favourite carers knowing, and they’re the ones you have helping you that day, then the thought of it being written down shouldn’t stop you doing this meet up. Be proud of your passion. I totally understand it’s not what any other adult has to go through – they don’t get their sexual activity documented – so it seems unfair that we do.
However, as I say, they will not need to write explicit details. So, weigh up your levels of embarrassment and (an unfortunately necessary) invasion of your privacy with your desire to go ahead with this meeting with your man… The agency’s choice of safeguarding you needs to be the least restrictive option!
Good luck and you have every right to express your sexuality and experience intimacy. Just remember to put things in place and do everything you can to keep yourself safe.
We are beyond thrilled to introduce you to the Quest line of sex toys developed with our partners, Rocks Off. We’ve taken our time to get everything perfect and you know what they say….. good things come to those who wait.
We all have to start somewhere: workshops and focus groups
What a journey! Going on a Quest is always better in a group so with that in mind, we consulted with colleagues, friends, family and disability communities to find out what you really wanted.
We held ideation workshops, focus groups and meetings focused on discovering what people really need from their sex toys.
We realised that buying a toy is a journey which starts from the moment you think about potentially purchasing a new product. As a team we truly considered the experience for those with physical, sensory or cognitive impairments.
This meant examining how easily the toys could be bought, the packaging opened, the toy charged and the instructions understood. Of course, we also considered product use and enjoyment for those living independently and within support environments.
When it came time for design, our focus groups and workshops had clear ideas of what we needed to include.
We’ve put this into practice by adding: remote controls for solo or couple play, Silicone straps, large tactile buttons, magnetic snap charging, visual and harpic feedback as settings change, easy operation, contrasting colours, Braille and QR codes for audio descriptions of product and pull tab packaging
But that’s not all.
We want to hear from you about the design. You can leave us reviews or let us know what you think.
Features in focus:
Here are three of our favourite features in more focus.
Remotes and wrist straps
The design of the wrist strap and remote is ideal for anyone who may have mobility issues or different grip strengths. It allows you to take control, or your partner, for up to ten meters away for hands-free fun.
Bigger Buttons
Who has time for tricky buttons or small switches?
We’ve created large, raised buttons which are easy to access and ideal for users with visual impairments. It’s also great for neurodivergent people who may prefer to focus on sensations, not instruction manuals.
Sensory feedback
We’ve added LED lights and vibrations that can let you know when the product is turned on or off and charging. So you won’t be left in the dark about what your product is doing.
A Quest for accessible packaging
Packaging can be really tricky especially when you just want to get to your new favourite toy as quickly as possible.
We’ve designed the Quest boxes to allow access for those with visual impairments to neurodiversity to those with less dexterity. The boxes have a simple pull tab that can be used with a finger or mouth which allows the contents to glide out of the box.
The colour palette has been carefully selected along with font size and placement. There are also braille QR codes that load audio product descriptions.
Other features include:
Remote controls with silicone straps
Large tactile buttons
Magnetic snap charging
Both visual and haptic feedback as settings change
It’s important to make sure that when you are shopping for new toys, you stay safe. With this in mind, our partner, Rocks Off carries out rigorous lab testing which ensures the toys are produced in a sterile, clean environment.
When it comes to materials, we use ABS plastic which is non-porous, and durable along with medical-grade silicone which is non-allergenic. All toys use premium metals with no nasty nickels or cheap alloys.
Rocks Off has also thought about how to make the products as sustainable as possible. The packaging is recyclable, and biodegradable and has been certified as sustainable by the Forest Stewardship Council.
Each product is packaged in cardboard covered in a biodegradable coating, all sourced from FSC-certified suppliers.
When it comes to the toys themselves, we used ABS plastic which can be recycled along with medical-grade silicone.
There are a lot of considerations that go into buying sex toys that go beyond size, shape and how many speeds it has.
Did you know that the material it is made from or the lube you plan to use with it can make a difference?
Here are our top tips for making sure you sex toy shop as safely as possible.
Material
Sadly, not all sex toys are created equally as some can be made from materials that might actually harm our health. One such material is phthalates which are a group of chemicals used to make plastics more durable and soft. Scarily, they have been linked to endocrine disruption, reproductive toxicity and cancer. They may occur in personal care products including sex toys, cosmetics especially nail varnish and eyelash glue.
Sometimes these materials can occur in cheaper or older products on the market meaning that you need to shop carefully.
Be careful of porous and slightly porous products so that you can properly clean your toys and destroy any lurking bacteria. Some non-porous materials which are body-safe include ABS plastic, pyrex, stainless steel and silicone. Most sex toys are made from silicone because it is softer yet still easy to clean.
When it came time to choose materials for the Quest products, we created the range from ABS plastic which is a form of hard plastic that is chemically inert. This means it doesn’t react to other chemicals and is safe to be paired with lubricants while being non-toxic and non absorbent. We also used medical-grade silicone to create some of the toys while using premium metals for those with motors. This means no nickel or cheap alloys which will keep your toy going for longer.
While all of us are guilty of having a secret hiding place, there are things we need to do to ensure our toys stay clean and in good condition.
You need to store a vibrator in a clean, dry place as moisture can destroy batteries or the motor. Always store a sex toy allow from different materials where there might be chemicals that can react with each other. In case things have gotten hot under the covers in more ways than one, allow a vibrator to cool before putting it back into its hiding place. Keep an eye on overheating over time as it may mean the motor is overheating.
If this happens, switch it off, let it cool down before using again.
Latex
People can have allergies which means shopping carefully. This may mean being extra aware of added fragrances or ingredients in lubricants. It can also extend to sex toys in that some people may struggle with latex or where there are bits of metal, materials such as nickel can cause issues. This can be avoided with latex-free toys and also, stainless steel.
Sex toys and Lube
It’s important to note the material that your toys are made from so that you can find a good lubricant to match. Some lubes such as oil-based products are not suitable for silicone sex toys as they degrade the material breaking it down. This can cause splits, holes and fraying which allows bacteria to get into the product passing it to the user.
Matching silicone or latex products to the right lubricant doesn’t have to be difficult as you just need to make sure they are waterproof. Not only that but be careful what ingredients the water base contains as CBD for example is not water solube. It needs to state that it is safe to be used with condoms or sex toys.
Batteries
Batteries and water do not mix so be very careful with which toys are water friendly and which ones are not before you have that relaxing post-work bath. Some batteries may leak over time which means you need to stop using a toy immediately and avoid any contact with the skin.
How to clean your sex toys
So you’ve done the thing, bought the toy and shopped carefully….now what? Sex toys need to be cleaned regularly, especially after use with a new partner. But how?
Hand washing
Gently hand wash the toy with warm water and a mild soap. You will need to determine how waterproof a toy is before and also remove the batteries before a wash. Splash proof and waterproof are very different things: waterproof means a toy can go into a certain depth of water but splash proof can’t.
Disinfecting and sanitising can mean a toy is free from any nasty bacteria that may linger after a quick wash.
Avoid any harsh chemicals or overly fragranced soaps as they may cause irritation. Allow the toys to air dry before popping them back in the drawer or box under the bed. You can also pat dry with a clean towel if you need to.
There are cleaning wipes and sprays that you can buy at sex shops but it’s worth a chat with staff to make sure they are compatible with the product you have.
You can disinfect 100% silicone, stainless steel or glass toys by boiling them for three minutes. In the case of glass toys, place a soft towel in the water to avoid it moving around and causing cracks off the side of the pan. They need to be air-dried afterwards.
You can use the dishwasher with certain non-mechanised 100% silicone toys, glass or stainless steel. Although, you may want to consider not adding fabric softener to the mix. It’s also worth noting that this isn’t as effective as a boil wash.
Interested in sex toys? Why not read more by clicking the links below:
October marks the start of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) Awareness Month but what does that actually mean for those of us who are diagnosed with it?
When it comes to ADHD, I can’t tell you the number of ways it affects me from my workplace to my travel to, unfortunately, my relationships. There is so little out there for adults with ADHD in terms of research, especially for those of us who are queer, transgender or non-binary. When it comes to sex, the information can leave a lot to be desired.
However embracing our sexuality, and our ADHD, is important. While ADHD can make things like choosing the right toy or reaching orgasm more difficult, it’s not impossible. Communication and education can go a long way.
Here are three of the biggest things I wish I had known about sex, my brain and ADHD.
1 – Focus
One of the biggest stereotypes about ADHD is that we can’t focus. In reality, it’s not quite that simple as ADHD-ers struggle with regulating focus- either too much or too little. We cannot get our brain to focus if we don’t want to or break focus if we are locked into something we find interesting.
In the bedroom, that lack of focus can be a libido killer in that it can make it hard for us to stay in the mood, maintain an erection or achieve orgasm. The results of that can be a frustrating experience for everyone involved.
The opposite is true sometimes in that we can be so focused on everything around us that we find it hard to make time for sex. Coupled with a lower sex drive, I find that I can get so lost in my work that I fail to notice the hours slip past before it’s too late and a partner is already asleep.
When it comes to sex toys, I never really got the hype but I also never considered this may not be my fault. So few are designed with neurodiversity in mind that they often arrive with overly complicated instructions, flashing buttons and LED-what-the-hells!??! By the time I have navigated the box, I have little spare mental energy to engage with pairing it to my phone.
Overwhelm can lead to a lot of not-sexy emotions including frustration, anger and sadness. Many ADHD people will experience shutdowns or meltdowns which are exhausting and can cause someone to completely withdraw.
It’s not just about toys though as some lubricants or massage lotions can be too much for neurodivergent people. The smell or texture can be too overpowering or feel uncomfortable on the skin. If that happens, it can make people feel awkward, anxious, nauseated or panicked. It may also ruin the mood by being the only thing they can notice in the room.
3 – Risk
When we make a decision to have sex we calculate a risk. We make a decision to wear a condom, use lubricants that are safe with our toys or bodies or we choose our partners carefully based on a number of factors. Those of us with ADHD struggle with decision-making as we can be impulsive and look for the potential reward that comes with taking a risk.
I have a high functioning autistic spectrum disorder and want to seek a sex worker to feel more comfortable around women. I’d like to use a service that has people confident working with disabled people. Who do you recommend?
Also, I don’t know how it works as I’m new to this – should I be transparent about my ASD?
Thank you,
Matt
The Answer
Hi Matt,
Unfortunately we don’t have information on specific sex workers. However, if you contact SHADA they may be able to help you more!
Sex and Disability Helpline +44(0) 7900 957 393 11am-7pm weekdays.
I think honesty is always the best policy. Particularly as you’re paying for a service so you want the best experience for yourself. If you were going on a dating site, there’s the whole debate around whether you disclose your disability or impairment straight away… but seeing as you’re seeking a sex worker who needs to be suitable for you, then I think it’s best they know your access requirements. And also be clear about what kind of experience you want – you don’t just have to be grateful that they are providing you with sex and they’re ok with your ASD. Think about what pleasures you like and see what they are happy to offer you.
I hope you hear back from them. And ultimately hope you have a great time!
Take care,
Zoe
The Love Lounge Team
Contact Us
Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern. Get in touch if you’d like some advice.
Society is a high maintenance significant other, it’s not shy about placing impossible expectations on disabled people when it comes to how we should feel about our bodies. However, it is possible to defy these preconceived notions and build your own body confidence from the ground up. Today, I would like to share my personal journey of overcoming the distinct challenges that accompany living with a disability, all while striving for body neutrality and positivity. Additionally, I proudly identify as queer and non-binary, to add a bit of extra spice to the mix. I will also provide tips and resources for you, dear reader, if you’re looking to do the same, so that you can begin to reclaim your self worth and be truly confident in your own skin.
The Before: A Portrait of Misplace Worth
Let me start from the beginning. Before my disability, my worth seemed tied to unhealthy measures. How I looked mattered more than it should have, but given my history of traumatic rejection and a life full of drama, it’s not surprising. I controlled my outward appearance because I couldn’t control my pain. The only thing I seemed to have control over was what I ate, or rather, what I didn’t. And it worked, to some extent. I stumbled through life in a blind haze, just trying to survive without many skills beyond that. I pretended everything was fine, until it wasn’t. When I became disabled, the inability to exercise and a slew of medications quickly changed my physical appearance. This was not ideal for someone who believed they had to look a certain way to be worthy of love. And so, I tried to ignore this uncomfortable new reality, plastering on smiles whenever someone asked, “how are you?”
The Turning Point: When Old Coping Strategies Fail
Then came the day when all my control tactics failed and my coping strategies went out the window. I was left completely helpless. Let’s summarise this section of my life as the “dark and twisty time” aptly named by Meredith Grey. I found myself an empty shell, curled on the floor in the shadows of my bedroom. All the ways to find my self-worth vanished with my mobility, replaced by ableist views and a body that refused to look recognisable in the mirror.
Emerging into Light: Choosing A Path of Self-Love
Eventually, there came a time, an end to that darkness. At the fork in the road, I chose to fill the void with things that shaped my self-worth from a foundation of love and belief in myself. I realised I deserved to be happy and would be okay, just as I am, without the need for change or approval from others. I discovered the disabled community and started connecting with people who shared similar experiences. It was a revelation to realise that I wasn’t the issue; it was the world around me. What an incredible day, dear reader!
Uncharted Territory: Embracing the New Disabled Me
Society expects disabled individuals to conform, but I realised I didn’t fit that mould. I wanted to be bold, proud, and shiny! I didn’t want to fade into the background. And the best part? There were no “society police” to hold me back. It felt like discovering the power to fly! The joy and freedom were exhilarating. It was time to embrace the fun!
A Critical Eye: Society’s Obsession with “Self-improvement”
Over the last 5 years as a full-time wheelchair user, I’ve had fun times and faced struggles. But it can be hard to embrace a changed body when society tells us to “fix” what we don’t like. What if we don’t want to, what if we can’t? Why are we always judged? The critical eye surrounds us, from screens to magazines. I say, it’s time to change our mindset, not our bodies.
The Struggle for Independence: A Lesson in Acceptance
Losing mobility or health can result in a loss of independence, which was personally one of the toughest challenges for me to overcome. I used to hate asking for help. I saw it as a sign of weakness but I’ve grown a lot in the last 5 years. Now I see accepting help as what it is, a simple division of labour. They help me, I’ll do something else another time. Maybe. Maybe I won’t but it doesn’t really matter, it evens out in the end. Coming to terms with this can be difficult, there may be ways to regain independence or maybe not. Take a moment, reflect on what truly matters. It could be a transformative time of self-discovery and growth. Remember that empty shell? Perhaps this is an opportunity to build something from the ground up, a chance to turn towards
happiness.
Beyond Media Stereotypes of Disability: The Beautiful Truth
While there has been improvement, the portrayal of disabled bodies in the media still falls short. We come in all shapes and sizes, beautifully unique. If all anyone sees is a watered-down version, it can be challenging to see your own beauty.
Battling Bias: Rising Above Society’s Views
But it’s a harmful lie. Our magnificent variations make us all beautiful. The curve of a body, our movement or stillness, our quiet – all so very beautiful. If all mountain ranges looked the same, why would we travel? If all trees had the same shape, who would meditate in a forest? Nature creates everything uniquely, fostering diversity and making the world more beautiful. My heart aches for those who feel unworthy or unloved. Anger fuels my ongoing fight against an unaccepting society, and I’m far from finished.
Helpful Hints: Building Connection with Your True Self
Discovering your true self and embracing your disabled body can be challenging in a society that ignores our needs. Here are some tips to help you connect, accept and respect your body.
Find your people! When I joined the disability community online it was an absolute turning point. You need people who’ll support you without the need for explanation. Those are your people. Nurture those friendships and get a good network of professionals while you’re at it, a good doctor is a wondrous thing!
Be kind to yourself. How often have you spoken harsh words to your reflection? Your brain hears and believes you! Instead be compassionate and gentle. It matters.
If you want to set goals, make them realistic. Move towards your goal with kindness, rather than with judgment. Look for guidance in line with your new beliefs. Strive for self-neutrality when self-love feels inadequate, as it could lead you to your ultimate destination.
Remember, as an incredible disabled person, you are more than just that. Your personality has many facets, and you possess lots of skills and abilities unrelated to your disability. These aspects will provide perspective, especially if you feel overwhelmed by your new disabled body.
The Danger of Looking Back: Avoiding the Nostalgia Trap
Don’t spend all your time looking backwards. It’s not just bad for your neck, but also harmful to your mental health! Focusing only on what was and no longer is prevents you from being all you can be and appreciating beauty in the now. While it’s fine to reminisce, remember that we often sugar coat the past. The key to happiness really starts with accepting our reality.
Body Confidence: A Journey, Not a Destination
Building a new relationship with your body takes time, effort, and dedication. Just like any other relationship, it requires respect and love. It becomes even more challenging when dealing with disability or chronic illness. So, be kind to yourself if you find this aspect of your life difficult. Progress may not always be linear, but we’ve all been thrown back to square one and will be again. When we quite literally don’t fit into society – in marketing, in governmental decisions, literally in buildings, it’s no wonder we find it hard to feel confident and stand up for ourselves. We are being told we don’t matter every single day – from when we are trying to buy a pint of milk through to who’s last in line for life saving medical services.
Your Toolkit: Strategies for Building Body Confidence
But the fact is we do matter, our bodies are beautifully valid just as much as the next person’s – disabled or not.
Some ways you can look to build your arsenal of strength towards your body confidence journey are:
Curate your social media feeds. You’re in charge here. Remove accounts that make you feel bad and keep those that make you feel good. Surround yourself with accounts that inspire and align with the life you’ve chosen. This is a powerful tool at your disposal, and you’re in control!
Look for support through therapy. It acts as a gym for your heart, mind, and soul, requiring regular workouts to keep healthy.
Don’t underestimate the power of a good group of friends. Talk to them!
Look up support from organisations such as www.spokzpeople.org.uk, www.scope.org.uk, and of course there’s all the community and resources available at the Undressing Disability Hub.
The Final Word: We Matter
Here’s the bottom line, dear reader, each of our bodies is beautifully unique and wonderfully diverse, not confined to the limitations of a cookie-cutter shape, and society might have a bit of a problem with that, but we don’t. Because our bodies carry us through life, they endure, they persevere. They’re a testament to our strength and resilience – we might not have wanted it but that’s what we got. We ARE strong and resilient, we ARE spectacularly diverse and that’s worth more than fitting into some cookie-cutter mould. So next time you hear yourself speak sharply to your reflection, or find you spend too much time reminiscing and end up feeling resentful of your present situation, pause. Take a deep breath. And remind yourself that you matter, your body matters, and it’s long overdue for the world to recognise that.
And maybe, just maybe you’re one to help change things – one small act of self love at a time.
Sandie Roberts, Disability Advocate, Content Creator, Writer & PT Model
We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.Ok
