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The Question: ASD and questioning my sexuality

Dear Love Lounge…..

I’m a 22 year old guy, I have ASD and I’m trying to figure out my sexuality. I’m pretty sure I’m gay but I still feel I have to work it out as there are some women I’m really attracted to still – but it’s more if they are kind and nice to me.

I find social events really hard so I have a very small group of friends, but they are good people. I’ve only ever had sex a handful of times and this is with a man. I don’t think I really enjoyed it very much. I found it all so overwhelming and intense. The smell and touch of someone was confusing because I really like him but getting so intimate with him I found too much for me.

He used a sex toy on me which was like a male vibrating one and I went along with it but I hated the feel of it and it made my body cringe almost.

I’m now questioning so much – am I asexual or maybe I’m not gay or maybe I’m just broken. I know I’m funny and kind and I do like myself in general, but this is really hard for me and I’ve got nobody to talk to.

Cheers,

Kyle

The answer:

Hi Kyle,

It sounds like you’re confused about putting yourself into a box and labelling your sexuality.  What if you are Asexual? Does that matter? You could develop a relationship with a partner at a level that will match with you.

Equally it could be the ASD sensory overload that is impacting your sexual experience. Learn what your limits are and what you like. Be clear with your partner and set some boundaries early on.  Don’t be nervous to do this – it will be much healthier in the long run. Once you’ve got to the cringe phase, you’ve gone too far.  Taking it slowly and doing the things you’re comfortable with will help you enjoy it more.

Regarding the women that you like when they’re nice to you, it could be just that – they’re friendly and kind.  With ASD you may be mistaking the subtle social nuances and then attaching too quickly. I guess being aware of this pattern might help you to question why you’re feeling attached.  And if you feel sexually attracted to them then that’s something you can also explore. Again it’s about learning what feels right for you and sometimes checking in with yourself to see if ASD is influencing your feelings.

Stay curious! Learn what you’re comfortable with and what you truly like and dislike.  And inform any potential partners ahead of time about how you are likely to feel, act, respond etc.

Good luck with your discoveries!

Zoe

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