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Jun 25
Sex positive party: two women are sitting on the floor at a party sharing a glass of champagne

How to go to a sex positive party and where to find them

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Ever wanted to go to a sex-positive party, kink night or fetish event but not really sure how? Don’t worry, you are not alone as it can be really daunting to go to your first event let alone sorting out accessibility or what to wear.

There has been a growth in the number of open-minded, queer-friendly, accessible and sex-positive events in the past year. Everywhere from Leeds to London is getting their best harness on and heading out.

Judging the accessibility of events is difficult. By nature, these events are pop-ups that move from venue to venue. The best thing to do is to research and contact the organisers ahead of time. Keeping an eye on their social pages is a great way to stay ahead of any updates or venue changes.

Here is our guide to getting started with sexy events and where to find them.*

Cabaret Identitease

It can be scary going from zero to sex parties so burlesque is a great place to start out or if you prefer a bit of a tease! Cabaret Identitease is a burlesque night with a difference. The group are queer, disabled cabaret performers.

If you fancy getting involved, the group also offer seated burlesque workshops. The events change location but there are often detailed access lists on their page which can be downloaded ahead of the event.

Visit their Instagram page

 

Pinky Promise World

A collective of sensual, hedonistic pleasure seekers who organise parties, workshops, cabaret shows and festival stages. From Wilderness to Shambala, from sex-positive play parties, Pinky Promise is a safe space to explore sensuality. Pinky Promise is a great way to dip your toes into the sex-positive scene.

Pinky Promise hosts parties at festivals and club spaces across the UK and also Europe.

Visit the Pinky Promise website

Sex positive party: A drag artist with long blonde hair spins around a pole in a dark nightclub

Sexquisite

Sexquisite sell-out shows across London, Manchester and Bristol using their unique blend of art as activism. They are committed to offering sex workers creative work and using the platform to enact change. Previous sexy events have included sex worker pride, Club Sexquisite and panel discussions on the importance of building a community for sex workers.

Visit the Sexquiste website

 

Quench London

“Quench London isn’t just a kink party; it’s a euphoric journey through the heart of London’s vibrant culture,” according to the organisers. A queer party extravaganza that blends chaos with control while centring queer, kinky, of colour, trans, neurodivergent, disabled and bodies of all sizes.

Quench is an intentional space, created out of a need for more diversity and representation in the kink scene. It’s also a lot of fun and a good way to experience the kink scene without it being too overwhelming.

Visit the Quench London website

 

Slut Social

Slut Social is committed to making affordable safer spaces for sex-positive women and non-binary people. It’s not just about the party but workshops and education too. It has become a community where you can find events from online panel discussions around ADHD and polyamory to rope-tying workshops in secret locations in London.

Visit the Slut Social Instagram

Joyride

Joyride is a space to rave, play and connect while prioritising pleasure and exploration. If you are looking for a hot, sweaty dancefloor with custom-designed playrooms and electronic beats then look no further.

The wonderful Joyride can be found at Corsica Studios in London which has an impressive accessibility checklist. You can apply for PA tickets, there is step-free access and accessible viewing platforms. You can access the list by visiting the Corsica website access page or email info@joyriderave.com for more information.

Visit the Joyride event page

 

 Know about a wonderful party or want to send us your own event information? Get in touch at hello@enhancetheuk.org.

*Please keep in mind that due to the nature of these events (pop-ups), they may change venue. We have not printed the accessibility in place for each venue but have marked where it is accessible on their site. Head to their social media and/or website and get in touch to find out latest dates and access.

Want more information on attending sex positive parties? Read our Love Lounge advice page where our resident sexpert Zoe answers a question asking for advice

Jun 24
ADHD and loneliness: A person holding a cup of coffee in their hands

ADHD and loneliness: I need some advice on feeling alone and sad

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question: Struggling with ADHD and loneliness

Dear Love Lounge….

I have something called ADHD (bet you’ve never heard of that, haha).

I only got my diagnosis a few years ago but I’ve known for years I was struggling so it’s a massive relief to finally have a name put to it. I’m a 33 year old woman, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve had to go back and live with my parents. I’ve got a really successful job which is actually very much in the public eye (like a D list celebrity) and I’m good at it.

When it comes to my home life, I can’t cope well at all; my finances are a mess, my flat was so messy I couldn’t even clean it in the end and I wasn’t eating properly. I desperately want to be in a relationship but I feel like such a failure. Who is going to be with someone who can’t even run a house and needs to be looked after by their parents?

I like sex but I find it hard to orgasm with other people because I’m so often trapped in my own head and thoughts. I masturbate a lot and it’s a big relief to me, but I also find it very depressing at the same time.

I’m not sure what advice I need but anything you might suggest to me would be useful. I’m feeling very alone and sad at the moment.

Thanks,
Katy

The answer:

Hi Katy,

Ha, yes I don’t know what ADHD is! On a serious note, it can be really debilitating when you feel like you can’t cope with things like running a household.  Plenty of people struggle with this and plenty of these people have relationships. For now, it’s working that your parents are supporting you and taking that load away from you – but in a relationship you would discuss what things you’ll bring to the table and areas where you lack.  Your partner could be the perfect opposite and cover those areas, and in turn you cover for their weaker areas. It’s about negotiation and working out a system where you can do tasks in manageable chunks.

With regard to struggling to orgasm with other people, ADHD can really affect the focus of staying in the moment and being too easily distracted.  To maintain some focus, doing it in the dark could be helpful.  This eliminates the visual distractions and your senses of touch etc will be heightened. If you find yourself getting carried away in your own thoughts, ground yourself by getting your partner to describe what they’re doing to you (or vice-versa) – this can be sexy anyway, but will help you come back into the moment.

In addition to turning off the lights, you could start by getting yourself really relaxed before intimacy with a partner.  Perhaps a shower and putting the phone away for some time beforehand. Quieten the mind. Sensual touch, stroking, kissing could be all you aim for initially. The end goal doesn’t have to be sex or an orgasm. Take the pressure off yourself. Equally, some touch may become too much for you. It’s really important that you communicate clearly to your partner beforehand what you’re likely to experience and how you would like them to deal with it. eg you know you will get hypersensitive to one type of touch, so rather than grinning and bearing it, you’re confident enough to say to your partner, I need you to stop now and replace it with (a hug, no touch at all, talking, or touch in a different place). You do you!

I totally understand why, despite masturbating being a great relief to you, it then can make you feel depressed. It’s almost reaffirming that ‘I can only do this alone’.  The longer you avoid having sexual relationships, the more this fear could manifest in your head and potentially get bigger.  Hopefully, you’ll be kind to yourself and your situation and allow someone in to enjoy a relationship with you!

Best of luck,

Zoe

Want to support Love Lounge? why not visit our Donations page so you can find out how to get involved

Want to learn more about sex and ADHD? Head to our helpful blog on ADHD can help you find out more about the effect it might have on your sex life.

Jun 24
ASD and sexuality: Red lollipops in the shape of heart on a blue background.

ASD and sexuality: how do I explore when sex feels overwhelming?

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question: ASD and questioning my sexuality

Dear Love Lounge…..

I’m a 22 year old guy, I have ASD and I’m trying to figure out my sexuality. I’m pretty sure I’m gay but I still feel I have to work it out as there are some women I’m really attracted to still – but it’s more if they are kind and nice to me.

I find social events really hard so I have a very small group of friends, but they are good people. I’ve only ever had sex a handful of times and this is with a man. I don’t think I really enjoyed it very much. I found it all so overwhelming and intense. The smell and touch of someone was confusing because I really like him but getting so intimate with him I found too much for me.

He used a sex toy on me which was like a male vibrating one and I went along with it but I hated the feel of it and it made my body cringe almost.

I’m now questioning so much – am I asexual or maybe I’m not gay or maybe I’m just broken. I know I’m funny and kind and I do like myself in general, but this is really hard for me and I’ve got nobody to talk to.

Cheers,

Kyle

The answer:

Hi Kyle,

It sounds like you’re confused about putting yourself into a box and labelling your sexuality.  What if you are Asexual? Does that matter? You could develop a relationship with a partner at a level that will match with you.

Equally it could be the ASD sensory overload that is impacting your sexual experience. Learn what your limits are and what you like. Be clear with your partner and set some boundaries early on.  Don’t be nervous to do this – it will be much healthier in the long run. Once you’ve got to the cringe phase, you’ve gone too far.  Taking it slowly and doing the things you’re comfortable with will help you enjoy it more.

Regarding the women that you like when they’re nice to you, it could be just that – they’re friendly and kind.  With ASD you may be mistaking the subtle social nuances and then attaching too quickly. I guess being aware of this pattern might help you to question why you’re feeling attached.  And if you feel sexually attracted to them then that’s something you can also explore. Again it’s about learning what feels right for you and sometimes checking in with yourself to see if ASD is influencing your feelings.

Stay curious! Learn what you’re comfortable with and what you truly like and dislike.  And inform any potential partners ahead of time about how you are likely to feel, act, respond etc.

Good luck with your discoveries!

Zoe

Want to read more Love Lounge queries? Why not head to our blog page to read more?

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Jun 24
Disclosing dyslexia: three roses in yellow, pink and red

I’m worried about disclosing my dyslexia when dating

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question on disclosing dyslexia:

Hello Love Lounge,

I have dyslexia and it affects my life massively, I’m not sure about disclosing my dyslexia when dating. I found people don’t really understand dyslexia and think it’s just about spelling and grammar etc but for me it affects me in so many other ways. I struggle to remember names of people and places and I find it really hard to follow directions and read any kind of map.

I’m using voice recognition to write this now so please excuse any mistakes. I’ve recently had the courage to start online dating again and I mainly use Hinge because you can use voice notes on the app and it makes it easier for me. However having the confidence to then meet up with someone and going to a place they might suggest, and that I don’t know, fills me with dread. I know I can’t always go to the same places, and I need to get out of my little bubble and comfort zone.

Do I disclose on my profile I’m dyslexic? or do I tell them once we’re chatting, or should I save it until I know them more? I still feel very ashamed about how my brain works but I wish I didn’t.

Thank you,
Sophie

The answer:

Hello Sophie,

It’s so common that people only think of dyslexia affecting reading and writing. But as we know, it can also mean poor organisation skills and poor short-term memory. So, arranging a date can of course bring these issues to the fore and you’re even more nervous than somebody not facing these challenges!

It’s up to you whether you tell the person you’re meeting that you have dyslexia – even if you ask for the things you need from them, you don’t have to say why. Suggest a place you know to begin with, and then when it’s their turn you could ask them to write it down over text for you (if it’s just been decided on a telephone call) so you can research beforehand where it is. If you’re really worried about navigating the map’s directions, you could always meet them nearby the venue at somewhere you know, and then walk up together.

Having a venue suggested to you with very short notice is likely to make you panic more – again be open and say let me know a good few hours before! Again, its up to you whether you say at this point ‘er I’m dyslexic and need time to check where I’m going otherwise, you’ll never meet me if I’m MIA – and what a shame that would be!’

Remember that being dyslexic has loads of good attributes too! They’re going to love your big picture thinking, your dynamism in conversation etc. Don’t let the fear of getting some details muddled put you off!

Have fun and celebrate your brain’s wonderful way of functioning!

Zoe

Want to support Love Lounge? You can visit our donations page to find out what you need to know about supporting us

Going on a first date? visit our blog page about accessible first date spaces to get some suggestions on where to go!

Jun 11
Disability and sexuality: Laura is a blonde woman with long hair. She wears a sheer black top and a fabulous splash of leopard print. She is smiling at the camera and holding pink balloons

Pride month: sexuality, disability and finding the perfect balance

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

We ask the wonderful Laura Drummond to write about sexuality and disability. In February 2024, we held a large photoshoot in the middle of London and invite a load of gorgeous, sexy disabled people to join us. The shoot meant a lot to all of us that were there. Laura tells us what the Undressing Disability photoshoot meant to her.

Meet Laura

My name is Laura, and I am known as @powerchairqueen_zebedee on social media. I am a 44-year-old disabled woman, and I became disabled later in life. I have several chronic illnesses and I have struggled with my identity over the last few decades due to this change in my health status. I have done lots of work over the last few years trying to find out who I am now, and I am now fully embracing my disabled identity, proudly and unapologetically.  

Embracing disability and identity

One part of the process of coming to terms with chronic illness and my disabled identity was about my sexuality. I felt that I was no longer desirable or attractive because of my defective body. It took a long time to love the body that I am now in despite of what it can no longer do. I have achieved this through self-exploration and positive affirmations. I do not believe in ‘body positivity’ at all costs as this is just not realistic when you struggle with the symptoms that your body throws up. But I took part in a modelling competition where I sat and stood there in my underwear to show that disabled bodies are just like every other body.

I suppose that the difference with an invisible disability is that no-one around you necessarily knows that you are disabled. This can have its benefits but also doesn’t allow for any allowances for your restrictions. So, although this competition was incredibly empowering and did amazing things for my confidence and my body acceptance it showed how the modelling world especially is not built for people like me, disabled people.  

Undressing Disability photoshoot

When I was asked by Undressing Disability to take part in their photoshoot with other disabled people, to show that disabled people are just as sexual, desirable and fascinating as their non-disabled counterparts, I absolutely jumped at the chance. I was full of anticipation when I got there and felt no nerves whatsoever.

It meant so much to me as a woman in my 40’s to feel sexy and seductive in what I was wearing and the whole experience was a fantastic one for me. It has helped me to explore my own sexuality more and after knowing for my entire adult life that I found both women and men attractive I had the dawning realisation that I am bisexual. A bit a of revelation for me in my 40’s and married to a man. The outside appearance is one of heterosexuality and I must admit that there seems little point in ‘coming out’ as it will do nothing to change my marital status and relationship, but it feels good to have done this exploration.  

Disability and sex

Following the photoshoot I have worked further with Undressing Disability, and I have learned more about the amazing accessible sex toy range that they have launched with Rocks Off. The toys themselves are a revelation to me as someone who uses toys regularly and realising the impact that these can have on those people who have not been able to explore their own sexuality due to their disability. There is an overall assumption amongst society, a wrong one, that disabled people do not have sexual desires and are therefore what would the need be for them to explore this?

Shop the Quest range by clicking here to visit the Rocks Off Website.

Well, does that mean that when I became disabled that I no longer felt any desires or have any sexual appetite? No, it absolutely does not. This is not something that can be turned on or off and this toy range is accessible down to getting it out of the packaging. There is nothing more frustrating than having to ask someone for help with something that you don’t necessarily want them to know that you have bought! You can literally get the packaging open with one hand, and the charging points are easy too, magnetic and not fiddly at all. Everything has been thought about, down to the buttons which are also large and embossed for easy use.  

Working with Undressing Disability has been literally life changing for me and I feel so proud to be helping to promote a charity that is doing such a great job informing and educating. I feel freer, more sexy, more empowered, and have made some amazing connections with other beautiful disabled people all with the same mission to let the world know that we are out here, we are sexy, desirable and we aren’t going away.

We are just going to shout louder with the help of wonderful organisations like Undressing Disability.  

Donate to Undressing Disability by visiting our donation page and helping us to continue the good work we do.

Want to read more about sexuality and disability? Head to our blog page for more articles like this

May 22

Sex and pleasure for disabled women in Nigeria

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

In this interview, sexual rights activist and researcher Susie Jolly interviews Ejiro Sharon Okotie, development professional in gender, social inclusion and disability rights. Ejiro shares her trailblazing advocacy work supporting disabled women in Nigeria with their pleasure and sexual expression, and why the need for societal recognition of their sexual rights is more important than ever before.

Susie: Tell us more about your research and advocacy work. What is it all about and what was the motivation behind this work in the first place?

Ejiro: In 2017-2018, while I was running training for disabled people in Nigeria on sexual and reproductive health and rights, one of the participants who had a Spinal Cord Injury shared, “After my accident, my biggest worry was if I still could have sex, less so my injury. However, I was too ashamed to ask the doctors and lived with that anguish for four months”. 

Another participant asked “At what point does masturbation become unhealthy?” Pleasurable activities like masturbation had been demonised and disabled people who engaged in it, were regarded as corrupt, bad, spoilt etc.

Meeting such project beneficiaries and hearing their stories made me realise how narrow our project had been and the huge gap that existed around the subject of sexuality and pleasure, especially as it related to disabled women. I realised this was a gap in the inclusive Sexual and Reproductive Health (SRH) project I had worked on (implemented through a collaboration between the Nigeria Association of the Blind (NAB) and the Journalists Against AIDS Nigeria (JAAIDS)). 

I became curious to delve deeper into this area of research, to understand if exploring sexuality and pleasure could contribute to the empowerment of disabled women in Nigeria. My advocacy seeks to enable healthy expression of sexuality and pleasure for disabled women, and societal recognition of the need for their ability to exercise their sexual rights.

Susie: What are you keen to highlight about the lived experience of disabled women in Nigeria?

Ejiro: Being a disabled woman myself, a common phrase I heard when I first began working in development was “disabled women get sex by chance and not by choice”. I want to highlight the fact that the narrative of disabled women only having negative experiences of sexuality such as rape, sexual abuse or assault is not the whole story. Disabled women also have positive, healthy romantic and sexual relationships and experiences, and possess agency in exercising their sexual rights. This was very evident in a documentary we produced as an offshoot from the research. 

Susie: How are you seeing prejudice and ableism affect disabled women in Nigeria when it comes to their sexual health and sexual expression?

Ejiro: In Nigeria, as in many other parts of the world, only a complete and functioning body is assumed to allow sexual expression or enjoyment of sexual rights and sexual health. The general perception is that disabled women do not, or should not, have sexual needs or desires, require sexual health information/services or even think about expressing their sexuality. 

These ideas typically come from the immediate families of these disabled women, and extend into society. This lack of recognition of the sexuality and sexual rights of disabled women continues to disempower them, and make them more vulnerable to sexual and gender-based violence (SGBV) and ill-health.

Susie: What changes would you like to see happen to better support disabled Nigerian women with their sexual health and sexual expression? 

Ejiro: A key change must be intentionality from parents, care-givers and broader society in Nigeria on effectively engaging disabled women on their sexual health, providing avenues for healthy conversations around their sexuality, supporting their efforts at a healthy expression of their sexuality and sexual rights, and providing safe spaces for disabled women to share positive experiences and support other disabled women who are survivors of SGBV or other violations of their sexual rights. 

We need a more responsive, sensitive, and proactive Nigerian population (families, community members, duty bearers) to foster an inclusive environment for disabled women as it relates to their sexual health and sexual rights.

Susie: Tell us more about the organisation you are running for disabled and youth.

Ejiro: The Hope Inspired Foundation for Women and Youth with disabilities (HIFWYD), is a woman-led organisation, founded on 27th February 2015, and registered as an Organisation of Persons with Disabilities in Nigeria. The Foundation was established to empower and amplify the voices of women and youth with disabilities, with a mission committed to promoting and protecting rights and inclusive development through advocacy, capacity-building, economic empowerment/livelihood support, and public engagement. 

HIFWYD envisions a society where everyone, regardless of disability or any circumstances, can realise their potential and live their dreams. HIFWYD has implemented several projects on entrepreneurship development for disabled women, as well as life-skills programs for disabled girls. 

More recently we have undertaken several projects to improve access to inclusive, comprehensive sexuality education, especially for disabled women/girls in rural communities, as well as building their capacities as self-advocates to realise their rights through better implementation of Disability laws in Nigeria. HIFWYD has been supported by several donor partners with the most recent being the Disability Rights Fund (DRF/DRAF) and World Connect.

About Ejiro

Ejiro Sharon Okotie, is a Development Professional focusing on Gender, Social Inclusion, Disability Rights and most recently, Sexuality. Currently she works as the Gender and Social Inclusion Specialist for the USAID State Accountability Transparency and Effectiveness (State2State) Activity, implemented by DAI Nigeria. She is a Chevening Alumnus with a Masters in Development Studies from the Institute of Development Studies (IDS) at the University of Sussex. As the Founder of the Hope Inspired Foundation for Women and Youth with Disabilities (HIFWYD), a DPO in Nigeria, Ejiro works to empower women and youths with Disabilities for productive living and equal participation in society. 

For more information about The Inspired Foundation, check out their Instagram.

About Susie

Susie Jolly is a sexual rights activist and researcher, and Honorary Associate at the Institute of Development Studies. She previously led the Ford Foundation China portfolio on sexuality education, with a 2 million US dollar annual budget, developing the strategy ‘the marginalised educate the mainstream’. This included supporting disabled women and young people to organise and advocate, supporting disabled activists to work on sexuality, and sexuality educators to learn from disabled people’s organisations on how to become more inclusive.

Apr 19

Let’s talk about it: Consent, love and sex act terminology

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

When it comes to consent, there is so much more to consider than yes or a no. It is about ongoing communication, discussing boundaries and what you are comfortable with.

One area that we often don’t think about is the effect that terminology and language can have. In the age of social media, language and terminology can often mean new words or phrases are coined then discarded a month later. It can feel confusing and overwhelming to try and keep up.

However, if you do not understand what a sex act term means, can you really consent? The answer is no and it means that we can often find ourselves in uncomfortable or dangerous situations as a result.

Here are six things to remember around consent

1 – Communication and respect

Consent is an ongoing process throughout sex between two people. It can be withdrawn at any stage and must be respected by the other person. Even if someone has consented at the start of whatever it is you happen to be into, you need to check in with them to make sure they are still okay during and afterwards. This is especially the case if you are changing activities, positions or introducing something new in the bedroom.

If someone looks uncomfortable, stop and ask if they are okay. Respect their decision to stop and reassure them that everything is fine. Making sure that someone feels safe and comfortable is key.

2- Confidence to ask

If you don’t understand a sex term – ask. There are hundreds of words out there for different sex acts from felching to cucking to shrimping. It can feel embarrassing to admit you aren’t sure or don’t know what something means but ultimately, you can’t consent to something you don’t understand fully.

A good partner will stop and explain what a sex term actually means or how they practice it. Don’t rely on a sneaky google to find out what something is because it could mean that your partner has a different understanding of it. Some acts especially those around pain or restriction require a good level of trust, respect and discussion around boundaries with partner/s ahead of time.

Want to learn more? We’ve filmed a series of videos with our resident S-expert Zoe Lloyd that can help explain different sex terms. Follow us on instagram by visiting our page to find out more.

3 – Disclosing health status

It’s important for someone to understand what they are consenting to. As well as understanding what different sex acts are and everything they entail, your partners do need to know your STD/I status too. This gives someone the opportunity to make an informed decision about birth control and their safety.

Regular testing for everyone involved is recommended and can be a quick proceedure at sexual health clinics or your GP surgery.

4 – Non verbal clues

There are lots of non-verbal ways that someone can send a signal that they are uncomfortable or want to stop. This could be anything from shaking their head, giving a thumbs down sign or holding their hands up in a stop gesture, pushing someone away, avoiding touch, moving away from you or maintaining closed body language. They may look upset, stay still or lie flat, tense up or go rigid as well as seemingly distracted or not present.

If you sense someone is uncomfortable or would like to stop then respect this and make sure you stop.

5- Drink and drugs

Someone cannot consent if they are too drunk or on drugs. That’s not to say you cannot drink and consent but if you are intoxicated then its a no. Consent can also not be given if someone is asleep or unconscious. If someone has been threatened or intimidated into having sex or performing a sex act then that is also not consent.

Unequal power dynamics are not consent either. This is when there is a uneven balance of power such as a student and a teacher. This also goes for someone underage too.

6- The importance of talking

Learning to talk about sex can help to improve the quality of sex that we have. As well as giving clear consent, discussing what sex acts you like or positions you fancy trying, it can also help us to communicate what we enjoy. The more you start to talk, the more talking about sex becomes normalised and easier to do.

Being open and honest with your partners means you can concentrate on having the type of sex you enjoy and you may find it can also be a turn on. It can also help your partner to learn what feels good and importantly, what didn’t so it can be avoided in the future.

Want to learn more about sex act terminology? why not visit our resource page to download our free guide to all the terms you may need to know. 

Want to read more about sex, consent and learning disabilities? Visit our Love Lounge page to learn more.

For help around sexual health and assault, visit the NHS support services page

Mar 07
Disability and dating: Two red heart shaped balloons floating in the air

The Dating Campaign: disability and accessible apps

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

We asked….and you delivered!

Earlier this year, we asked disabled people to tell us their stories of dating. In particular, around using dating apps as a disabled person. We received so many stories ranging from positive to negative, highlighting everything from app design to education needed, and how to disclose. 

 

Here are some of the stories we collected during the campaign:

Jo

“I’m going to tell you about a dating experience that I’ve had as someone who is visually impaired. I’ve had a few interesting experiences but a positive one that comes to mind was when I went on a date with a guy to the cinema. 

“At first, he was scared to ask if I wanted to go to the cinema because he didn’t understand why I would want to go to the cinema if I couldn’t see! But I like going to the cinema. He ended up being quite a cheap date because we had to pay for one ticket as we got a carer ticket for free.”

“I would say a lot of my dating stories have been quite similar. As a visually impaired woman, when I tell men that I have a disability their initial reaction is alright, that’s okay or if you need to hold my arm that’s fine. They don’t care so it’s been quite positive.”

John

“I decided early on to disclose my walking impairment on my profile to demonstrate honesty. However, I presented it playfully by saying, “I will still carry the drinks from the bar!” 

I avoided saying the actual medical condition as I did not want my potential match to jump down a Google rabbit hole and make assumptions.”

“When I did not disclose my disability I found when I did, I would be ghosted – which was not fun. I have received strange opening lines and two that will stick with me are “Do your lunges work properly?” and “I bet your disability increases attention.”  

“There is a lot of education and normalising of disability that’s required in this space.”

“One of the most important things to remember when dating with a disability is that dating is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone who is right for you. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find your soulmate right away. It takes time and effort to find the right person. 

If you keep putting yourself out there, you’re sure to find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are. I know these are words that have been overused but the right person will be able to accept the disability and the person.”

Shreya

“I recently started casually dating again or at least I’m trying to. I did this before I was disabled but not since. I was prepared for some ableism but I wasn’t prepared for the amount of it.”

“I’ve had a lot of the classics: men telling me I’m sexy despite using a wheelchair, or people asking why I use crutches. I don’t use crutches as I use a walking stick. I’ve had people ask me about my medical history within the first five minutes of chatting.”

“I’ve had questions about whether I can have sex even though I am on a sex-orientated dating app. One time someone found out I was a wheelchair user and he made a joke. He said, if we met up and I didn’t know about you being a wheelchair user then I would have made a joke about you being a catfish.”

“From then on, I decided to have one picture with me in my wheelchair and one with my walking stick. I’ve had fewer matches but more intrusive questions. You just can’t win, why is it so hard?”

Dating and disability: A person using apps on a phone in one hand

Carrie

“As a neurodivergent person, I often find the apps a bit overwhelming in terms of their layout as it’s unclear what to press or how to tell someone you like them. I’ve sent way more superlikes than I intended as a result of this.”

“It’s hard to know when to tell someone I am neurodivergent as my disability is hidden. On most apps, there isn’t  an option or a space to do this. I tried joining a dating app for disabled people which listed autism but no other neurodivergent condition. I gave up.”

“I did join a dating site for autistic people which had a wonderful option to list your stims. First date nerves are the worst so I like that you can go in knowing that someone knows what your soothing sounds or behaviours are ahead of time. I also loved that you can connect using your common interests too.”

Alex

“This is a little story about one of my recent dating experiences. The person I went on a date with has a brother with a disability. It was easy to connect with them and focus on the date rather than anything else.”

“These topics do come up and sometimes you have to define your disability and walk someone through what you go through daily. Certain things might come up during the chat that make it a bit awkward or a bit draining for us as people with disabilities to talk about.”

“With this person, in particular, we had a lovely conversation which was very entertaining. We had some ice cream and walked around London. It was very cute.”

B

“I openly share that I am a wheelchair user on my dating app profile, usually with a joke, to prevent people from seeing it as a tragedy, but this isn’t always enough. One day, I received a note from a person that said “Everything happens for a reason, right?”. I immediately understood that they were referring to my disability. I accepted their message request and told them I didn’t understand why they would say that and that everything in life seemed very random to me.”

“They replied with a very long message. In summary, they just wanted to say one or two words because I had shared a “special” condition. They kept arguing that life works based on cause-and-effect relationships, that people always use this as an explanation for the things that happen to them, and that if they can be honest with themselves, they can have the right perspective on life.”

“They said that they were thankful that I was hopeful despite everything and assured me that I brought light to their day. Finally, they wished me lots of luck and said goodbye. They seemed very confused about how to see disabled people but I had a chance to explain what was wrong with their approach. In this instance, they reacted with extreme guilt, apologising over and over again. The problem was not my disability but their self-centeredness; and isn’t this always the case?”

 

WE WANT YOU

We’re encouraging anyone with a story to comment, DM, tweet, or post using the hashtag #AppcessibleDating. We want all stories – positive or negative or both!

We’ll then take the feedback we’ve received to the dating apps themselves with a list of proposed changes and ways they can better support disabled people with their dating lives. 

 

Follow the Campaign

Follow our campaign by searching the hashtag #AppcessibleDating and join the conversation by connecting with us on Twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability

Want to read more? Visit our blog on online dating as a disabled person

Feb 21
Dating campaign: two hands held together in the shape of a heart

The dating campaign: #appcessible dating for all

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

This Valentine’s Day, we’re launching our #AppcessibleDating Campaign. 

 

Let’s face it, dating can be difficult especially if you are disabled. While there are a lot of apps on the market, how many of them are really designed with accessibility at heart? 

From better accessibility features to better resources for  challenging stigma – we want the apps to give disabled people the best possible experience and chance at finding love. 

Why APPcessible love and dating?

There are many reasons that disabled people find dating apps difficult. Some of these could be how to navigate the actual app itself, overload of information, disclosing a disability, understanding social cues or reading the information. Not to mention the reactions from matches.

“I have received strange opening lines. Two that will stick with me for a long time are, “do your lungs work properly?” and “I bet your disability increases attention.” There is a lot of education and normalising of disability that’s required in this space”

What do we want from our dating campaign?

We asked our audience to get in touch with their stories about their experiences of dating with a disability. We were blown away by those who reached out but it became clear there were several common themes throughout the accounts.

“The apps need to realise that they aren’t great for those of us who are neurodiverse. I would love to see a simpler, quieter design and layout. I find opening an app  with too much information overwhelming and just want to shut it down.”

Lots of you said that the apps need to normalise disability and make it easier to be more visible on the apps. There needs to be more education and information available. 

We reached out to a few of the more popular apps in the hopes of opening a discussion on how they could adapt to be more accessible. Not one answered us. We hope to change this moving forward  as we will share our research, stories, videos, app audits and resources. 

“I went on a date with a guy to the cinema and at first he was scared to ask me if I wanted to go because obviously, he thought, she can’t see, why would she want to go to the cinema? 

“When I tell men that I have a disability, their initial reaction is alright, that’s fine or if youneed to hold my arm that’s fine, they don’t care. So yeah, it’s been quite positive.”

 

We want you

We’re encouraging anyone with a story to comment, DM, tweet, or post using the hashtag #AppcessibleDating. We want all stories – positive or negative or both!

We’ll then take the feedback we’ve received to the dating apps themselves with a list of proposed changes and ways they can better support disabled people with their dating lives. 


Follow the dating campaign

Follow our campaign by searching the hashtag #AppcessibleDating  and join the conversation by connecting with us on Twitter @ETUKUndressing and visiting our Instagram @UndressingDisability

 

Read more about loneliness and disability by visiting our blog

Feb 07
Cervical cancer testing: A ball of pink and purple cells

Researchers aim to improve access to cervical cancer screening for physically disabled people

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Researchers aim to improve access to cervical cancer screening for physically disabled people

 

A team of researchers at Keele University that includes psychologists, GPs and nurses, are leading an innovative new study which aims to help physically disabled women better access smear tests. It is hoped that this will reduce cervical cancer rates.

The testing, which is also known as a smear test, can be really difficult for many people. It can be physically challenging for many people with a cervix and sometimes impossible. Not only that but misconceptions about disabled people can make access even harder.

Cervical cancer testing rates

There are more than 7 million disabled people in the UK who may be likely to have a higher risk of delayed diagnosis and dying from cancer due to lower screening uptake.

Removing these barriers could help ensure equal access to cervical cancer prevention. It could also mean early detection of cervical cell changes therefore reducing the number of deaths from cancer.

The study has been funded by the National Institute for Health and Care Research (NIHR). It is being conducted in collaboration with Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust and patient representatives. The study will involve interviews and surveys with people who have physical disabilities or conditions that make cervical screenings challenging. The team will also interview GPs, nurses and reception staff to gain an understanding of the barriers posed by the process which will help to highlight solutions.

“We are very grateful to have received funding for such an important and largely overlooked issue and we look forward to working with stakeholders to improve the cervical screening experience for physically disabled women and people with a cervix, said Lead researcher Dr Sue Sherman, from Keele University’s School of Psychology.

“Everyone who is eligible for cervical screening should be able to access the test. Too often we hear from women who are unable to attend as a result of a disability or long-term condition, and this should not be the case. We’re thrilled to be teaming up with Keele University to help identify and address some of the barriers and stigmas that exist and ensure more women can reduce their risk of cervical cancer,” added Samantha Dixon, Chief Executive of Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust.

Cervical cancer is caused by a virus called human papillomavirus (HPV) that causes changes to cells in the cervix. If this is left untreated, the HPV infection may turn into cervical cancer. Smear tests can help to determine treatment before cells turn cancerous if HPV is detected.

How to get involved with the cervical cancer study

Do you have a physical disability/ impairment or long-term physical condition? Does this mean that cervical screening is hard or impossible for you to take part in?

Would you like to join our project group? What does this involve?

  • This is a virtual study and will involve you attending a few online meetings throughout the project:
  • You will be reimbursed for your time.
  • The project is expected to last 2.5 years

If you are interested take in the road, please complete the following form/ scan QR code:

https://forms.office.com/e/bVJAmWveyb

Or

For further information an expression of interest, please e-mail doctor Emma Kemp (e.j.kemp@keele.ac.uk)

 

Read more on cervical cancer and Deaf awareness

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