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#CervicalScreeningRedTape campaign

By Disability, Undressing Disability

Our #CervicalScreeningRedTape campaign aims to highlight the fact that many disabled women are finding it difficult to access cervical screening.

The Issues

Common barriers to accessing cervical screening are:

  • Disabled women not being offered a smear test as it is often assumed that they are not sexually active and are less likely to need a test.
  • Physical barriers such as a lack of non-adjustable beds in GP surgeries.
  • Fear. Due to a previously negative experience. Or a self-consciousness as their body may differ to what they believe medical staff are used to seeing.
  • Expense. Often disabled women have to travel further than their local surgery to attend an accessible clinic.

Potential Solutions

What can be done to improve access to smear tests for disabled women? Below are four potential solutions.

  1. Recognise that disabled adults can enjoy an active sex life and offer as standard cervical screening and sexual health tests.
  2. Ask what an individual’s needs are. If your surgery does not have accessible facilities that meet the needs of a disabled patient, then have a procedure in place where you can offer an alternative location. This saves both you and the disabled woman a lot of time and effort phoning around. Read Emily’s blog for a real-life example. 
  3. Realise that standard procedures won’t work for everyone. For example, due to physicality it may be easier for a woman to have a smear lying on her side rather than on her back. We are all different, and often know our bodies well. So if it’s feasible to do things differently, be willing to give it a try.
  4. Most women are apprehensive about having a smear test but for many disabled women there is an extra layer of nervousness. Reassurance prior to the test being booked can help alleviate this fear.

We fully appreciate the challenges our NHS is facing during the pandemic and know that wait times may be longer than usual, however we hope our solutions can become best practice.

Useful Resources

Undressing Disability Podcast

Dr Larisa Corda OBGYN and presenter Sam Renke are guests on Episode 2 of our Undressing Disability podcast. Joined by our CEO Jennie Williams they share personal experiences of the issues around accessing cervical screening raised in this #CervicalScreeningRedTape campaign.

 

Blog

Emily wrote about her experience as a wheelchair user of trying to access her first ever smear test in this blog article.

The Undressing Disability Hub

Last year we launched our Undressing Disability Hub which is free to join. It is full of free resources on topics relating to sex and disability. Members include professionals working in the fields of medicine, psychology, and care homes. As well as sex educators and those searching for a safe network to learn and share information on the topic of sex and disability.

Sign up for free today.

Worried about Cervical Screening?

Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust is a charity which provides information and support on the topic of cervical cancer. Their website https://www.jostrust.org.uk/ is full of valuable insight and they do an incredible job raising awareness and saving lives with their work.

#CervicalScreeningRedTape 

Stay Up To Date

Follow our campaign on social media on twitter @ETUKUndressing and Instagram @UndressingDisability. #CervicalScreeningRedTape

 

Bedroom Adventures Logo is a black lacy eye mask with the brand name in curvy black writing below

Win A Decor Heart Wedge From Bedroom Adventures

By Disability, Undressing Disability

This competition is now closed. Congratulations to winner Rosie Glen.

A graphic of a crown with the word WINNER written on it and the name Rosie Glen below. The background is bright blue

It’s competition time!

Thanks to Bedroom Adventures we have a Décor Heart Wedge to give away to one lucky winner. Perfectly contoured for the derriere, the Décor Heart Wedge provides a sweet incline for deeper penetration and G-spot positioning during lovemaking. This compact version of the Wedge combines passion with fashion as a positioning aid that doubles as a decorative pillow.

A merlot red coloured heart shaped cushion

Prize:

1 x The Décor Wedge, gifted by Bedroom Adventures.

How to Enter:

Simply sign up to the Undressing Disability hub, complete your profile and a profile photo and you’ll automatically be entered.

Competition Ends:

Thursday 26th November at 12 noon

Winner Announced:

Tuesday 1st December at 12 noon.

Terms & Conditions: All new and existing hub members who have completed a profile, including uploading an image as a profile picture, will be entered into the competition. The winner will be contacted by email and also messaged on the hub. The winner must respond within 24 hours to confirm they wish to receive the prize, if not a new winner will be selected. Your prize will then be posted directly to you.

A lady in black basque and knickers poses on a bed holding the heart wedge

More Product Details

  • Compact version of the Wedge provides lift and angles for deeper penetration.
  • Perfectly contoured for the derriere.
  • Ultra soft velvish material in designer colours to match your bedding.
  • Removable, machine-washable cover.
  • Moisture-proof liner prevents moisture from penetrating the foam interior.
  • Measurement in inches: 18L x 14W x 7H

Bedroom Adventures

Thank you to Bedroom Adventures for the generous gift of this prize. Damian, owner of Bedroom Adventures is one of our Love Lounge sexperts, offering practical advice on getting the most from your sexual relationships. If we can help solve a dating dilemma or relationship question contact us in confidence.

Follow our Undressing Disability campaign on social media. Find us on Instagram and twitter, or search hashtag #UndressingDisability.

 

hanging rack with shirts on hangers

Styling It Out and Sweaty Pits

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

Two things I need your advice on, styling it out and sweaty pits! One is fashion, the second is  less sexy. I’ve been single for ages, focusing on my studies and getting a job following a time of ill health. In the last eighteen months I’ve managed to lose the extra weight I had piled on after surgery.

I’m feeling confident about myself but have zero clue when it comes to clothes. I’ve either got work shirts or hoodies and want to look trendier than that. I see blokes with a bit of style and think they look cool but I’ve no idea how to put clothes together.

The more personal issue is that sometimes I get wet patches on my shirt when I’m having a sweaty day. I think it’s a side effect of medication I’m taking. I’m embarrassed by it. I prefer to layer clothes on my top half to avoid people noticing. And I’m going to see if there’s a stronger deodorant I can use as I don’t want sweaty pits when I’m dating.

Any tips on where I can look for style advice. My mates are as clueless as me.

Cheers.

Our Answer

Hi! Thanks so much for writing in to the Love Lounge.

It’s great that you’re feeling confident. That’s more than half the battle when it comes to fashion! I’d recommend going into a department store, like Topshop or River Island and taking advantage of their Personal Styling Service. It’s usually free and involves a staff member who specialises in styling going around the store with you. They’ll pick out clothes that suit your new body type, complement your skin tone and make you feel great. It’s a brilliant thing to experience as it’ll then provide you with tips to use when you go out shopping on your own. If that’s not for you then search YouTube for videos with titles like ‘BooHoo Try On Haul’ where the fashionistas suggest how to put outfits together.

A bit of advice. Don’t worry too much about what’s in fashion and what others are wearing. Instead, use that energy to focus on what makes you feel amazing inside. Good clothes have the ability to boost your mood internally, too.

Styling It Out and Sweaty Pits - a trendy young guy wears a burgundy velvet suit jacket with a patterned T-shirt underneath. He has a hipster beard, a man bun and sunglasses

Sweaty Pits

Regarding the wet patches, I’d recommend discussing this with your doctor. They may be able to change your medication to minimise this side effect. Layering clothes, experimenting with deodorants and even doing a bit of research on what colours and materials work best with sweat patches will all go some way in helping you feel comfortable. However hopefully there is a more permanent solution!

Wishing you all the best – you’ll be as stylish as can be in no time!
Em x

Send Us Your Questions

Can our team help with a dating dilemma, sex or relationship question? Get in touch and we’ll do our utmost to find the answers you need. Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and twitter @ETUKUndressing.
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Worried About My Boyfriend's Behaviour - a woman sits leaning against the back of the sofa looking sad, her boyfriend wears a blue and white checked shirt, has dark hair and a beard and stares into the distance looking grumpy

Worried About My Boyfriend’s Behaviour

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I’m worried about my boyfriend’s behaviour. We met about 4 months ago and things have moved fast. We are crazy about each other and he has moved in. At first it was all very romantic, and he made me feel great. He complimented my appearance and was kind and generous and loving. My family are happy that I’ve met someone but wanted me to wait a while longer before he moved in, worrying I might get hurt as this is my first relationship. I dismissed their concerns as I’m 27 and wish they’d stop babying me. My mum was my carer until I got a PA and my own flat a few years ago, and she can forget I’m not a kid anymore.

In the last few weeks, my boyfriend has been short tempered and a lot less affectionate. Little things about me seem to annoy him. When we’re with friends and family he is fine but when we’re alone he frequently makes comments about my weight and has told me that I’m ‘stupid’ and ‘dense.’ I think he might also have used my bank card as it went missing from my wallet then reappeared. I have cried about this which made him more annoyed so I’m nervous of talking to him about his mood in case I make it worse. I know that couples can ‘have their moments’ as my sister so it may just be the norm?

Advice welcome.

 

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us.

First things first, anything that makes you feel this upset and unhappy isn’t the norm.  Couples absolutely ‘have their moments’ but you are right to be worried about your boyfriend’s behaviour change. He is being neither kind nor respectful to you by the sounds of it, and this behaviour should not be accepted.

It’s good to hear that everything was great at the beginning. Has anything changed dramatically for your partner since then? Big changes at work, with money or even with family and friends can have a major impact on how we behave. And whilst it doesn’t make what he’s doing right, it might explain the reasoning behind his behaviour.

It is worrying that your boyfriend is only acting this way when you’re alone. This suggests to me that he knows the way he is acting is not acceptable.

Communication is key here. You must let him know plainly and simply (without getting too emotional if you can) that you won’t stand for comments from him that are demeaning or degrading. You won’t accept comments that make you feel bad about yourself – no-one deserves that in a relationship.

At the same time, let him know that if there is anything going on for him that you can help with, you’d be more than happy to. And if you can’t help, you’ll support him to sort it out himself. Remind him that you love him and of how great everything was at the beginning. But to get back to that, he must change his ways and how he treats you.

Tread carefully regarding the bank card – he might have genuinely picked yours up by mistake – and if no money has left your account, it seems unnecessary to accuse him of stealing. Have a chat with him about everything. How he reacts will probably tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship.

Good luck!
Em x

 

Send Us Your Questions

Can our team help with a dating dilemma, sex or relationship question? Get in touch and we’ll do our utmost to find the answers you need. Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and twitter @ETUKUndressing.

 

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Grip Issues - How To Spice Up Your Sex Life - A dark haired woman leans forward to touch her male partner, he kisses her forehead. She is laughing and there is a window in the background

Grip Issues – How To Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Disability

I’m hoping to spice up my sex life with my boyfriend.  We’ve been together for 3 years and things have started to become a bit same-y in the bedroom. Have you got any recommendations of toys or equipment we could use? We’re open to anything, but my cerebral palsy means I struggle with grip, and going on top takes a fair bit of time and effort!

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Turning Pain into Pleasure -A long haired bearded man in an open shirt bares his hairy chest whilst kissing a fair skinned dark haired woman

Turning Pain Into Pleasure

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

My question is about turning pain into pleasure. I really want to go further with a girl I met recently. I experience a lot of pain on a daily basis due to my condition, and wanted to know if there’s anything you recommend to help me turn that pain into pleasure? It’s scaring me a bit and I’m avoiding those intimate conversations.

Thanks

S

Our Answer

Hi S,

Thank you for reaching out about turning pain into pleasure. You are not alone. Pain can be a problem for lots of people and it is understandably daunting having these conversations. The most important thing is to take everything at your own pace and take the time to explore what you do and do not enjoy.

My first piece of advice is to follow any pain management techniques provided by your doctor. This could be medication, a hot bath or knowing what time of day you may be at your worst level of pain. This will hopefully set you up to succeed in your bedroom adventures before you have even begun.

When people talk about turning pain into pleasure it is often assumed they are talking about inflicting pain and for many people this may be true. However there are many ways to turn existing pain into a pleasurable experience. This can be especially effective as the hormones released during sexual experiences have been shown to increase our pain tolerance levels. I have outlined some suggestions below and all of these can be enjoyed either alone or with a partner.

Whilst all these suggestions can be used in a sexual context it can also be used outside of the bedroom. Spending some time increasing your awareness of your own body may help reduce some of the anxieties around engaging in intimate conversations. It is also important you are aware of any reduced sensitivity or vulnerable parts of your body to avoid accidental injury.

1. Pressure

Applying pressure can often distract the neural pathways conveying the pain, this could be applied to the area of pain or to any part of the body. Ways of doing this may be through a massage, being gripped or held tightly or being bound firmly with a restraint, rope, or clothing.

2. Sensory deprivation

Using a blindfold or headphones to block out some sensory input can often make it easier to concentrate on other things. This can be used to help get past the distraction of pain and focus on the more pleasurable sensations created by whatever it is you or your partner is doing.

3. Hot/cold

It’s common practice to apply heat or cooling to painful areas to relieve pain. This can also be applied to other parts of the body including erogenous zones to draw your attentions away from your painful sensations. It can also be used to induce a different type of pain than the one you experience daily if that is something you find enjoyable.

4. Pain

An important thing to remember is there are different types of pain and there is no set way to work out what each person will like as everyone is different. Some people may even experience sensations such as tickling as painful so these could also be tried. A rough outline is to create a dull pain you would be looking at large flat objects such as paddles, the longer and thinner the object the more it will be a stinging sensation. Scratching or prickling pains can be created by things as simple as fingernails, teeth or a device called a Wartenberg wheel or pinwheel. Finally things such as pegs or clamps can be used to create a pinching sensation.

I hope this has helped guide your exploration.

Kat

Have you got a question for our Love Lounge sexperts? Get in touch and we’ll do our best to help.

For all our updates on topics relating to dating, relationships, sex and disability follow us on Instagram and Twitter. #LoveLoungeUK #UndressingDisability

 

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The word Confidence in a dictionary highlighted in green marker pen

Finding the confidence to date again

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi there,

My question is about rebuilding confidence. I have a spinal cord injury and am a wheelchair user.  Before lockdown, I was quite used to going out on dates (and it didn’t really matter whether I got a second one or not, I just loved the excitement of meeting people!) But now I’m starting to feel like I’m out of practice after months inside, and that I’m going to run out of time to find someone special.  How can I regain my confidence and stop feeling the pressure?

Thanks

Our Answer

Hi K,

Thanks so much for writing to us. It’s great to hear that you found confidence and comfort in dating as it means you can do it again! Lockdown has been a really strange and difficult time for many of us. I don’t know one person that hasn’t been affected either in some physical way, or mentally, by this.

And when we’re stuck inside, with so much time to think and feel lonely, it’s almost impossible not to feel like life is passing us. But I promise you that time is moving at exactly the same rate as it did before, we’ve sadly just not been able to enjoy it in the same way!

So, I’d recommend using the remainder of this time inside to think positively about what you’d like to achieve over the next 1, 3, 5 or even 10 years. You might want to write things down, or even create a vision board of your wants and needs. There’s not much that we have control over right now, but we can control our thoughts and desires, and what we do with them. If it is a relationship that’s a priority for you, why not ease yourself back in slowly and see if there’s an online dating event that you could get involved with? Funnily enough, we are running one soon… https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/virtual-speed-dating-with-enhance-the-uk-tickets-121709138309

That way, your confidence will start building again, and you’ll feel more in control by taking action, and the pressure will hopefully subside.

Wishing you luck, let us know how you get on!
Em x

 

You may also find these article useful.

Online Dating – Is it worth it? 

Online Dating As A Disabled Person

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge and Undressing Disability insights by following us on Instagram and Twitter.  You may also wish to sign up to our free forum, the Undressing Disability Hub. 

 

 

A leather jacket unzipped to reveal a yellowy orange background with the words UD events in black

Virtual Speed Dating – Undressing Disability Events

By Disability, Undressing Disability

Date In A Dash has teamed up with Enhance the UK to host some amazing Undressing Disability virtual events. Join us for an evening of fast, fun & flirty speed dating from the comfort of your own home. Disabled and non-disabled people are welcome. Our aim is to create an accessible event for everyone to enjoy.

Our next event is on the 25th November. This is a lesbian event aged for 25-45 year olds, age not strict but necessary,

Date: 25th November

You can expect to meet around 15-20 people throughout the virtual evening event which will take place on Zoom.

Registration

  • Please ensure you arrive 15 minutes before the scheduled start time to allow for registration.
  • Speed Dating kicks off at 8pm prompt.
  • Any guests arriving late may not be able to take part.

On arrival one of our friendly hosts will be waiting to register you.

When everyone has arrived the host will explain how the evening will unfold and the lucky chosen ones will be placed in your virtual date rooms for the duration of the event , with people visiting you throughout.

Make it Speedy!

The dates will last for 3 -4 minutes each (dependant on numbers)  the hosts will manage who goes where so no need to worry here.

Single Pringle Ready to Mingle

At the end of the event there will be a chance to mingle with everyone in a group networking session. So don’t worry if you forgot an infamous chat up line you can still test it out after the dates.

If you find the love of your life or maybe a few you’d like to meet again please make a note of their name. You can email the host at the end of the session to be linked up afterwards.

The event will aim to finish at around 9:30pm.

Tickets and Questions

Please be aware that tickets for our events are very limited and the majority do get booked up in advance. Please book early to avoid disappointment.

Tickets costs £5.98 and can be booked via this Eventbrite link.

If you have any queries or would like to discuss your access requirements please contact us.

Stay up to date with all our virtual events and news by joining us on Twitter @ETUKUndressing and Instagram @UndressingDisability #UndressingDisability #UDEvents

Discover more about Date In A Dash by visiting their website.

Two hands clasped together with the hands and arms painted in the pride flag

Pride Month? Why not a Pride year?

By Disability, Undressing Disability

A guest blog by Carley Owen, Event Project Manager for Pride in London.

This is the first time I’ve ever written a blog, now I’m writing one in Pride Month, as an openly gay woman about LGBTQI+ and all the scariness and greatness that comes with that.  Although a daunting concept to voice one’s opinion in a world of endless criticism and trolling, never has the LGBTQI+ community needed awareness and support more, so here they are stuck with me.

Carley Owen sits at a table in a restaurant wearing a black top and a huge beaming smile

I never was one to ‘fly the flag’ when at university or in a wider capacity related to my sexuality.  Maybe this was because I was the sporting extrovert still stuck in ‘Narnia’ (my first and probably last educational reference). Maybe I enjoyed less lesbian drama (those of you who know, know). Or maybe I lacked the knowledge and understanding of what a powerful difference it can be to speak up.  This has now all changed, and I’ll shed some light on the reasons why.  This isn’t going to be a blog that rants at you but hopefully one that can provide clarity and some understanding from someone who has been there, done that and wears the rainbow t-shirt daily.

Why do we need awareness?

Let’s kick off with a good old statistic from the report ‘A long way to go for LGBTI equality’.

42% of LGBTQI+ people have suffered discrimination in the last year, compared to 39% in 2012.

Some of you may think that’s not a significant increase but the fact is, it’s an increase and it’s moving away from that world we all would like, equality.  We have made strides towards equality in recent times with the approval of same sex marriage in certain countries (maybe now I’ll find a partner…. wishful thinking).  Yet still in 13 countries being a homosexual is punishable by death and in some carries a prison sentence.  This is astounding to me, all for loving someone of the same sex.

The recent protests in the UK against teaching LGBTQI+ relationships in primary schools and the attack of a lesbian couple on a London bus, just shows how far we have yet to go.

I’ll never forget a member of staff in authority at one of my workplaces saying this to me ‘…because you’re northern, fat and a lesbian you’ll need to try harder in a London work setting to be accepted’.

Since when did my sexuality or the fact I’m chunky around the edges effect how I run an event or send an email?  Answers on a postcard please…. Needless to say, I left the company pretty swiftly after that, which should never have had to happen. If only they could see me now, all gay and proud at work!  This is not even the tip of the iceberg with why we need now more than ever to recognise Pride as an important movement. Whether we are in lockdown or not Pride is a time to demand more, to demand better.

A brightly coloured float and a crowd of people attending pride and having a brilliant time

Why do we have parades? 

Pride parades around the globe are being postponed due to Covid19.  Some pessimists may just see this as a glittery piss up in the street, but it is in fact a huge dent in the spirit of pride, tolerance and awareness for and of LGBTQI+.  The Stonewall riots back in June 1969 were the reasons we all now don our most flamboyant outfits and strut our stuff down the capital’s streets without a care in the world, the way it should be every day.  The parades are a celebration of this fight back.  This was the start of a new beginning for us all.

I will be forever grateful of the stand those brave people took 50 years ago for me to be able to do what I do today from writing this blog, to singing Britney at top note on a float in the parade, to being just me.

Last year saw the celebration of 50 years since that uprising and the largest gathering of people in Central London, 1.5 million celebrating as one.  When I read and hear that it was only 50 years ago that you were tormented, harassed or killed for loving someone of the same sex or for changing sex,  it absolutely boggles the brain. It sounds like something from the stone ages (apologies to anyone from that era). But the scary thing is, it wasn’t and isn’t.  This is why educating not just the Gen Z generation is so important but everyone across the board right down to the Baby Boomers, who may need a little more hand holding, hopefully by the same sex.

Changing Perspective

An image of legs wrapped in a pride flag, a flash of left bum cheek is showing where Carley has Enhance The UK and the word Jennie tattooed in black ink

Changing that one person’s perspective can make all the difference.  Let me set the scene on what was a pivotal factor to leading me where I am professionally and personally today.  I was in the mountains of Serbia, supporting in the training of a group of males all various ages who had disabilities with a charity I support, Enhance the UK.  Serbia is well known for housing homophobic attitudes, so for someone like me who was born with jazz hands it was the first time in my life I felt worried about travelling and doing what I love most.  I lived, laughed, trained, drank (sometimes too much) with the group but never disclosed my sexuality when asked, very unlike me to those reading that know me.

It came to the last session of the week which was a debate.  We decided to pick the topic of ‘Pro LGBTQI+’ and ‘Against LGBTQI+’ much to the disapproval of some of the team leaders.  As you can imagine the most talkative and enthused group were those speaking against LGBTQI+, when it came to talking for LGBTQI+ the room fell silent.

A guy I had made a great connection with throughout the trip (and evidently had asked me on a date- little did he know he was in for a shock) responded with ‘Carley there is nothing positive about being LGBTQI+’.

I began to get a little shaky, whether it was anger or nerves of the setting I found myself in I’ll never know, but my friend saw this and posed the following question to the group ‘Is anyone in this room LGBTQI+?’.  I didn’t know I would put my hand up, but I’m glad I did. The reaction was one of shock (as apparently, I didn’t look gay, I still need to find out what this look is) discussion and acceptance, followed by endless selfies – I now know how Kim K feels every day.  There was 30 people in that room who had one idea of what LGBTQI + was, and when they left, I hope to think one if not all had a different perspective. I have a tattoo of Enhance The UK on my backside as a positive reminder of this experience.

Bringing community together

Carley is dressed in black and jumps in the air in front of a rainbow coloured archway which is situated in a parkIn my role as Event Manager for University of East London I was overjoyed to plan the university’s first entry to the Pride parade last year. There was no better feeling then bringing each part of the university community together.  We had individuals who had recently ‘come out’, families of students wanting to share support of loved ones or just allies who simply wanted to show their solidarity for the day.  I was immensely proud of my workplace that day and what I had help achieve.   We had recently launched a brand new LGBTQI+ Staff Network and the parade was our first major event.  It was euphoric to be on a float making friends with everyone and anyone in eye sight.  If you can get the support of your University, SU, business that’s fantastic, but even if not, the application process is simple to be a part of the parade and can be at a cost that suits your budget, a limited cost for a priceless memory.

Staying In / Coming Out

Although the parade can’t happen this year the great people of Pride in London and many across the world have been adapting to the virtual norm.  I have been lucky enough to help create that feeling of euphoria by working as the Event Project Manager for Pride in London, albeit virtual euphoria (it’s a thing, I swear) by leading on the Staying In/ Coming Out virtual events site.

This is a year-round events platform for all LGBTQI+ events.  We promote, deliver and support all events and will continue to do so when Covid19 is all over.  If you or your society / charity/group have an event, or just an initial idea do get in touch with us and we will help make it a reality.  Events, social media and even blogging helps amplify the voices of those who may feel marginalised or isolated in these times. And all of this helps grow towards increasing acceptance, so let’s continue even after Pride Month.

It may be Pride Month but let’s make it a Pride Year, every day of the year.  Let’s keep talking, keep learning and be open to things we don’t know (it’s ok to not know it all).

From a first-time blogger, which I can now add to my CV wahoooo, I hope this helps.

Learn more about pride in London by following them on twitter @PrideInLondon or by searching hashtag #YouMeUsWe! 

Thanks to Carley for guest blogging. Say hi @CarleyOwen5

Charlotte Faragher smiles for the camera. She has long dark hair, a white top with blue stripes

Desirably Different by Charlotte Faragher

By Disability, Undressing Disability

What pitfalls feelings and experiences befall people considered different in our society?

How best should we tell our stories and attempt to turn negative perceptions on their head, or at least encourage discussion on these issues?

What role do mental health struggles, feminism, and body positivity have in permeating the current problems we face as well as promoting change?

My name is Charlotte Faragher and since September 2018 I have been advocating the exploration of these issues through my initiative, Desirably Different. Right now it is essentially a Facebook page where I post relevant media related content and thought pieces from stand up sets, to TED talks, as well as my own views in regards to these topics.

Desirably Different
I believe the media hold a special ability to often allow us to laugh at, reflect on and question our life as we see it. And also give us the opportunity to see what society might look like, in both positive and negative ways, if we don’t alter many negative pervasive views in society.

As the Undressing Disability campaign focuses on disability, sex and relationships, it is only fair that I should share some of my own experiences.

I have had quadriplegic cerebral palsy since birth and have had little romantic or sexual attention, even though I know it is something that my body wants and needs.

 

Even though my cerebral palsy hasn’t affected me mentally or academically, I do need a lot of help physically and explicitly from others just to live day to day. This can make pursuing potential romantic partners tricky. It can prove inconvenient to stay out late at night in my current family situation. A care company is employed most days to get me up in the morning and put me to bed at night to take the strain away from my parents. But as they come at specific times I have to be home earlier than I may want to be.

I consider myself to be a strong feminist and believe every person has the right to conduct their romantic and sexual lives as they choose, but I have never been open to using dating apps. My reasoning is twofold. Firstly, some people use the apps to look for casual sex which is not something I would enjoy. Secondly, like it or not I am a vulnerable adult and if I get myself in an uncomfortable situation I cannot walk away from it as easily as others. So there is a lot of risk there.

Charlotte Faragher smiles for the camera. She has long dark hair, a white top with blue stripes

I have been in love once. I was 17 and I fell for a guy who was one of the helpers on a Christian holiday for disabled young people. I could not deny my feelings for him no matter how hard I tried. Heartbreakingly for me, he had a girlfriend and did not feel the same.

As a consequence I started looking for love in unhealthy and risky ways- it was one of my darkest periods. I’m sure I am not the first person with a disability who has done this.

I think my desire to go to such lengths stems from my view that many disabled people still aren’t seen as sexually attractive or potential dating partners by the majority of people. And those who do like us in this way, people known as devotees, are currently forced to hide this side of themselves for fear of judgement and persecution. Education is key. I believe if more of these people felt comfortable enough to share testimonies without discernment, and the general public educated, this would have the potential to liberate many.

At my lowest points I often wonder.. Do I deserve romantic love at all?

My life is rarely simple and if I did date would I be able to treat a partner as they deserve? In both the physical and emotional senses despite my disability. But then I remember it is my human right to explore healthy romance and sexuality just like everyone else. I just need to try and drown out the voices that say I don’t deserve it. Or that I’m not good enough, hard as it may be.

I hope many who read this will start to think differently about disability and relationships as a result. We are a group with more to give than many realise. More people just need to have the courage to destroy harmful misconceptions and empower disabled people in positive ways.

Thanks to Charlotte for writing this brilliant article for us. You can connect with her at Desirably Different on Facebook.

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