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disability and sex Archives | Enhance the UK

Jan 26
A pink rose in a jar

How do I cope with the power change in our relationship?

By The Love Lounge

The question:

Hi there,

I have become disabled in later life and unfortunately will continue to degenerate.

My wife and I have been together for 30 years and have always had differences in how we approach life.  This hasn’t been such a problem but now that I am less independent it is becoming more apparent. There is a shift in the power dynamic of our relationship that I’m not comfortable with, due to her being the breadwinner. This is having an impact on us sexually too. I almost feel I have to do what she wants and that I’m not considered as much. I think I feel a bit used.

Geoff

 

The answer:

Hello Geoff,

Thanks for your honesty.  It can be really hard for couples to adapt when disability comes into the relationship. It sure can throw out the dynamics that were there before and both of you will be dealing with a whole heap of emotions brought about by the change.

Unfortunately, a lot of disabled people can feel like they’re a burden to family members, friends etc.  It sounds like you and your wife aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet, as it were, and perhaps never have – but it’s now more obvious and creating problems.  I would always encourage checking in with someone regularly asking them how they’re feeling and also getting your feelings heard.  Sounds easy – but not always if the other partner is defensive or doesn’t want to meet you in the middle. 

I don’t know if you feel you can be vulnerable with her – particularly as you say you’re feeling a shift in power.  Usually being vulnerable results in closeness, but equally you need to ensure you feel safe with her (emotionally).  I guess this could play out as having a few small conversations to get her thinking, before you drop the big info about feeling used.  Test the waters first.  Sometimes, if you’re not feeling heard or a conversation quickly escalates into an argument, then perhaps writing a heartfelt letter could be more effective.  She can read and assimilate it when calm and not so defensive.

She may be feeling like she’s carrying the load now and so then gives the air that you should be doing something for her (eg the sexual stuff) and you probably feel like you want to give back/owe her. Maybe let her know that you think she’s doing a great job and you’re proud of her. Maybe she is feeling unseen and is trying to establish a strong role for herself now that your situation is changing. We don’t know if she’s scared of the future as your condition is getting worse. People react in different ways.  This could be pretty complex stuff so if things don’t improve, I would suggest going to a couples therapist where you can both safely express your fears and wishes.

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability #LoveLounge

Dec 05
A person stood with the palm of their hand facing outward, covering their face. With a purple background

Neurodiversity and Abuse

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

There are many forms of physical, emotional and sexual abuse and it can be really hard to spot when this is creating a problem in your relationship. 

While anyone can be a victim of abuse, research shows that those who are neurodiverse may have a heightened risk of violence, bullying or controlling behaviour. ADHD, Autism, Dyspraxia, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, and Tourette’s syndrome are all examples of neurodiversity. It is believed that 15 to 20 percent of people are neurodivergent. 

Studies show that autistic people may be up to three times as likely as their neurotypical counterparts to experience bullying, and physical or sexual abuse. 

As an ADHD adult, I struggle with impulsivity, inattentiveness and hyperactivity among other traits. My relationships can be impacted by these which can make it difficult for me to form healthy connections with others but not impossible. However, one area that I need to be extra aware of is physical or emotional abuse. 

 

Here are three ways in which physical, emotional or sexual abuse within a relationship may be difficult for neurodiverse people to identify

1 – Dopamine seeking

When it comes to ADHD, we have lower levels of dopamine in our brains than neurotypical people. Dopamine is a hormone that controls many areas including memory and pleasure. When I form a new relationship, I crave the mental stimulation that I get from a new person. 

This, in the past, has made it very difficult to walk away from a relationship and risk losing that dopamine supply. It means that my brain can often gloss over the bad stuff to get to the good bits even if there are very few of them. 

Red flags at the start of a relationship can reveal a lot about what is to come. If you are getting serious warnings at the beginning then it can be really dangerous if your brain doesn’t allow you to stop, process or leave. Abusers are often clever and can spot this. They may take your lack of acknowledgement as acceptance and may keep pushing the boundaries on what they can get away with. 

Dopamine seeking can also mean that we do not recognise red flags in sexual situations either. It can be difficult to recognise dangerous situations, stop or ask yourself if you truly consent. We may also say yes in order to for fear of losing the person we get this stimulation from.

 

2 – Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when a person tries to get you to question their reality, memory or perceptions. It may be difficult for neurodivergent people to recognise when someone might be trying to change details, memories or events to control them. 

The reason for this may be that neurodivergent people can struggle with low self-esteem and be extra vulnerable as a result. We can often hear negative messages about ourselves while growing up which can have a last effect on our confidence levels as an adult. 

The immediate start of gaslighting in a relationship may feel more like hyper-acceptance from a partner which can become control over time. I struggle with my memory as a result of my ADHD, thanks to the lower dopamine levels, so it’s easy for me to forget details. Partners could easily use this to change small details without my noticing. The memory issues are mostly harmless, although annoying when I lose my keys, but they can be dangerous if a person is repeatedly changing the narrative in their favour. 

As a neurodivergent person, I tend to overshare which can also provide a lot of information for people about me. While most partners take this as a way to get to know me, albeit, in a short space of time, some may store the information for use at another time. This is where the devil can use the details you have told them, and then forgotten you’ve told them, to make gaslighting seem even more real.

 

3 – intense connections

Abusers can be incredibly manipulative and able to exploit a vulnerability. One of the ways this can manifest is through love bombing. 

Love bombing can be excessive attention, admiration, and affection from someone often at the start of a relationship. If we, as neurodivergent people, have lower self-esteem and confidence, this can masquerade as acceptance.

It can be difficult to leave if you believe that this is the only person who accepts you or is affectionate towards you. Often abusers can separate a person from friends or family through gaslighting or other methods so you may feel the connection more intensely because they are the only person you feel understands. 

As an ADHD person, I struggle to form boundaries with people where I can recognise where I need to safeguard myself. I have very intense friendships and relationships as a result. The intensity of the connection, lack of boundaries, pleasure and reward-seeking mean it is very difficult to walk away.

When it comes to sexual abuse, we can often mistake intensity for acceptance. Neurodivergent people can be too trusting and struggle to read a situation or social cues. This can place us in difficult situations or around dangerous people with no idea how to get out. To be accepted, we may find ourselves saying yes to things we don’t understand or want to take part in.

 

How to get help

Research 

Record

Communicate

 

Research:

It can be very helpful to know how your traits, like the ones above, can make it difficult for you to spot the signs of abuse. This means doing a bit of research around neurodiversity or even what to look for when it comes to emotional or physical abuse. 

 

Record:

No matter how difficult it might be, recording your experiences can be a big help. Make a note of something that doesn’t sound right to you and add to the list if you need to. If you can see a pattern start to emerge then you can address it. Writing everything down can help things to seem clearer, less overwhelming and help you to feel in control.

Also, if the situation needs to escalate, it can be very helpful to have a clear timeline or a list of things in case you forget.

 

Communicate:

Open up to someone you trust who is not connected to that person. This could be a friend or it could be a someone at an organisation who has training in this area. 

 

You are not alone and here are some organisations that may be able to help:

National Male Survivor Helpline and Online Support Service.
A dedicated service for anyone who identifies as male affected by sexual violence, and those who support them. You can contact them via Phone: 0808 800 5005 or Email: support@safeline.org.uk


Refuge.
For women who have experienced domestic violence. Refuge operate a freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline. To use this service please call: 0808 2000 247


The Survivors Trust.
This is a free helpline open 7 days a week for people over the age of 16 who have experienced sexual violence or support someone who has. To contact them call: 0808 801 0818 


Rape Crisis.
Anyone over the age of 16 who has experienced sexual violence can contact rape crisis for advice and support by calling 0808 802 9999 or going online via https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/ 

Jul 09
Blurred out images of people on a bed with scrabble tiles in focus reading sex

Spinal cord injuries, intimacy, and sex

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

The support around spinal cord injuries (SCI) and sex isn’t great, and often isn’t even provided. Sex and intimacy are a huge part of a person’s life and will be impacted by this type of injury.

We spoke with Ian Hosking about his injury in the hopes that hearing advice from someone else in a similar situation may provide you with some support.

 

Meet Ian

Ian is a 52 year old man who currently lives in Wendover, Buckinghamshire with his wife, son, step-son & step-daughter .

At 34 years old, Ian and his then wife were in a car accident, leaving them both with spinal cord injuries, and Ian became tetraplegic paralysed from the chest down. Changing his life for ever.

Of course, this wasn’t easy for Ian to adjust to initially, however it didn’t stop Ian enjoying the activities he enjoyed. Amongst other things, Ian has a love for Wheelchair rugby, he played for 16 years and is now the chairman & player with Stoke Mandeville Maulers wheelchair rugby team.

Another of Ian’s passions is helping others with a SCI to regain confidence and navigate a new and unexpected journey. He has done a lot of work with the Spinal Injury Associations which includes delivering talks to organisations and groups.

Eighteen years on Ian has created a new life for himself and offers some great advice that could be useful to hear.

 

dimmed lighting, laptop on in the background with a heard shaped ornament on too and a candleOnline dating

Adjusting to an injury of this extend is difficult, and every situation is different. It caused a huge strain on Ian’s first marriage, resulting in separation for the pair.  After this, Ian tried online dating where he met his current wife 10 years ago. We wanted to get Ian’s opinion on when and how to tell your matches about a SCI.

Firstly, don’t feel pressure to advertise being a wheelchair user in your bio but also don’t hide it. After all your injury isn’t who you are, just a part of it. With a SCI, it isn’t always easy for someone to notice, especially if the pictures you are using are of you sitting down or from a certain angle.

However, as Ian suggests, it’s probably not a good idea for you not to hide it either. Ian would often talk about playing wheelchair rugby, which is a pretty good indicator. If someone stops speaking to you after this, then they likely weren’t the right person you would want in your life anyway!

We have a Love Lounge question answer more about disclosing disability when online dating that you might find useful.

 

Taking time to adjust

After the car accident, all Ian remembers is waking up in the hospital with his hands not working fully and with out being able to feel three quarters of his body. Now he has learned to use the function in his hands as best he can and is paralysed from the chest down.

One of the things Ian had to adjust to were leg spasms. With a SCI, the muscles are no longer responding to brain signals. Therefore, involuntary spasms can occur. This can be frustrating, you can take medication to reduce it but there is no way to stop them happening. Ian decided not the take ant medication and to just cope with the spasms.

Another adjustment is the loss of control over bladder and bowels. Accidents can occur, which obviously is not a pleasant experience. Ian says he was lucky as before his incident he didn’t have any issues with his bladder and bowels, therefore making it slightly easier to pre-plan his bathroom visits. However, this is not the case for everybody and will take a varying amount of time to adjust to these changes.

 

Ian’s advice

The number 1 thing is to be patient with yourself. You are relearning your body, and this takes time. You may find you now have different values and purpose. There is no ‘right way’ to adjust, so take time and learn what works for you. In time you will have new ‘normal’ routine, which many people establish through rehabilitation and support from family and friends. Which takes us on to having patience with your loved ones, communication is key.

Yes it is your body, but it will also impact the lives of those you are close with. Having an understanding to how others may react will go a long way. The people in your life will want to help, and any conflict or frustration can most likely be solved through an open and honest conversation.

Another piece of advice would be to stop trying to avoid problems and try solving them instead. What could a potential solution to your issue be? And if that doesn’t work then maybe something else will.

 

Intimacy Blurred image of someone lying on a bed. There are scrabble tiles in focus reading sex

Ian says the need for communication and honest conversations after a SCI made sex more intimate. The first step should always be honesty with your partner. This will also help relieve any nerves – which are completely normal for someone to experience around intimacy after an injury.

Planning your sex can be beneficial so you can make sure you have been to the bathroom beforehand and prepared yourself mentally if necessary.

One thing to consider and talk about with your partner is positions. This will depend on the level of injury as everyone will have different capabilities.

There are various medications that can taken which allows a male to become hard. Each with different strengths and side effects. For example, some medications will remain in the body for longer, which as Ian pointed out, is not ideal when it’s the next day and you’re trying to get about your daily life. It might take some trial and error to find what works for you.

 

Focusing on the positives

It goes without saying that adjusting to a SCI will be challenging, but Ian was determined to not let this change him from a happy and positive person.Ian and Lenny at his concert

He even laughed about how it can actually have many benefits. Like him and his wife getting priority seats to a past Lenny Kravitz concert resulting in being in the right place when Lenny did a walk around. Lenny then stopping and giving Ian a hug and kissing him on the head!

Ian also gives advice about the positives it can bring to a relationship, specifically being less selfish in the bedroom department. I’m sure many women (and men) can relate to sex sometimes feeling a bit…underwhelming. However, Ian says that his SCI made him more aware of what his partner wanted and liked. Pleasing them became more of a priority as the focus was taken off pleasuring himself.

 

 

Resources

If you have any questions about Spinal Cord Injuries and intimacy, write in to our Love Lounge where we will offer some practical advice to your problem

We also had Dr Mitchell Tepper on our Undressing Disability Podcast, who is a sex educator and coach who specialises in Spinal Cord Injuries.

 

 

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