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Oct 08
Losing my virginity when I have Cerebral Palsy - a young man and woman lie on a multi-coloured bed. They are wearing t-shirts and laughing and have their arms around each other

Losing My Virginity When I have Cerebral Palsy

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi Ted,
I have cerebral palsy and I’m just about to go on a third date with a girl I really like. I think it has the potential to go somewhere. I’ve never had sex before, and wondered if you had any advice, as someone that also has CP?
Thanks,
A

Our Answer

Hi A,
Congratulations on securing a third date with the potential of going fourth base – not a mean feat indeed. The most succinct advice I can give is not to worry. First times are always messy, cumbersome and leave you wondering if sex is ‘all that’. But trust me, it gets better!

Practical Advice

However, as I have cerebral palsy myself I can offer some practical advice. Here are some little tips to point you in the right direction of how to make things as enjoyable as possible when you lack coordination. Firstly, I don’t know how important it is to you to unhook your first bra, but it may well be and you may well feel this is a task you cannot perform (most men, CP or not, struggle!). In this instance you could always ask her to unbuckle it while you hold it in place and then you get to perform the ‘reveal’ without the fiddly bit.
You could apply this to the other aspects of undressing so you can get the thrill of doing it yourself minus the need for the fine motor skills you may lack.

Manoeuvres

As for the actual act it’s important you don’t feel embarrassed about the things you can’t do. I really struggle crawling on a mattress (I fall into my own indent!!), so if you fancy a trip down south maybe think about other ways of getting there. Getting out of bed and kneeling could offer much more stability.

Taking Control

I would imagine that being your first time and accepting the restrictions of your movements she will ‘do all the work’ no questions asked. However if you build up a relationship with this woman you could have a think about and discuss ways you could take more control. That’s if, and only if you want to. I mentioned in a previous answer trying doggy style with a grabrail to help with stability, this could be a way for you to feel more in control.

Satisfaction

And lastly, a piece of advice not specifically centred around disability. Don’t forget that when the show is over (and this may take no time at all, which is fine!) there are plenty of other ways you can still ensure the satisfaction of both parties! So don’t worry about this at all.
Have fun!!
Best
Ted

Send Us Your Questions

Can our team help with a dating dilemma, sex or relationship question? Get in touch and we’ll do our utmost to find the answers you need. Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and twitter @ETUKUndressing.

 

Next question
Sep 18
The Love Abilities Festival logo against a dark background with the dates 15th - 19th October 2020

The Love Abilities Virtual Sexuality and Disability Festival

By Undressing Disability

Empowerment

We at Enhance the UK are super excited by the upcoming Love Abilities Festival.  The festival aims to change the belief that disabled people have no desire for love, sex, and intimacy. It aims to empower disabled people with the skills, knowledge and resources to lead the fullest lives possible. And for their caregivers, lovers and allies to help support or be part of their life.  This is a festival that’s right up our street!

Love Abilities

The Love Abilities Festival takes place over 5 days starting on the 15th of October.   There will be 29 sessions and 50 presenters spanning 6 countries.  There is something for everyone in the programme from ‘Sex, the Law, Disability Rights and Fun’ to a workshop on ‘The Art of Teasing’.  If you’ve signed up the sessions are available for 30 days after the event.

  Jennie Williams Presenter at Love Abilities Festival

Dating with Disabilities

Jennie & Emily from our team will be on the ‘Dating with Disabilities’ panel alongside Dr Richard Bruno and Michelle Donald.

And our resident Love Lounge sexpert and occupational therapist Katherine Sellors is on the BDSM panel.

Love Abilities Festival panellist Kat Sellors

Tickets

You can get your tickets and find more information on https://loveabilities.org/ We hope to see you then!

Have you joined our Undressing Disability Hub yet? It’s a free online space where anyone with an interest in the topic of sex and disability can share knowledge, information, ideas and experiences. Sign up today.

Find us on twitter and Instagram, search hashtag #UndressingDisability.

Jul 23

Launch of the Undressing Disability Hub

By Undressing Disability

We’ve been working on an exciting new project for quite a while now – our Undressing Disability Hub. The Hub is an online networking platform where anyone can sign up for a free membership and share experiences, ideas, awareness campaigns and educational resources around the topic of sex and disability.

Our Aim

We encourage you to sign up and make new connections. We hope that together we can make progress and positive changes within this field, and show that we all deserve access to sexual expression, sensuality and safe, fun and satisfying relationships.

Knowledge and Ideas

We hope that as a member you’ll use the space to shout loudly about the projects you’re working on, any ideas you have and encourage others to sign up and do the same. We’ll make more of a splash in furthering change when we work together, and the Hub – that we like to call ‘the sexy little sibling of LinkedIn’ – is here to help us all do just that!

Working Together 

What we do at Enhance the UK has collaboration and communication at its heart, as does the reason why our Undressing Disability campaign – and therefore our Hub – was set up in the first place.

Inclusive Sex Education

Over 10 years ago, our CEO, Jennie Williams, was working within the care sector and realised that, not only was sexual expression not being discussed or appearing on any care plans, disabled people weren’t being viewed as capable or deserving of sensuality or intimacy. Be this through masturbation or with a partner. Years later, relationships and sex education is nowhere near as inclusive as many of us would like it to be, and organisations are still caring for others without any policy or procedure relating to relationships and intimacy, as well as safeguarding for their staff on this issue. And, until this changes, there’s plenty of work for us to be getting on with.

In signing up to and using the Undressing Disability Hub, you may want to discuss the inclusivity of sex toys and equipment or get involved in academic studies relating to sex and disability. Or even just share personal and professional experiences that then lead to collaborative projects, exciting new campaigns and, ultimately, change.

Free E-Book to celebrate Hub launch

Oh, and did we mention that when you sign up, you’ll receive a free copy of our Undressing Disability e-book, too?

We are thrilled to have created something that encourages such useful conversation and can’t wait to see this platform – and more importantly, this topic – flourish. It undoubtedly deserves to.

SIGN UP TODAY.

Keep up to date with all our latest news, articles and campaigns by connecting with our Undressing Disability campaign on twitter and Instagram.

 

Jul 23
Kelly is pictured in her electric wheelchair with her son Mason and newborn Hunter. She is wearing a bright red adidas top, and is beaming at the camera

How having a PA changed my experience of parenthood

By Undressing Disability

A guest blog by Kelly Perks-Bevington

I’m Kelly and am a disability awareness trainer for Enhance The UK, and I’ve got two little boys, Mason who is two and a half, and Hunter who is just seven weeks old. When I was invited to write this article about parenthood, I thought about it and there is no better piece that I could write than talking about my experience of parenthood this time using PA’s.

Wait and See

When I was having Mason, I really had no idea what to expect, and largely neither did the doctors. They said it was a “wait and see” situation, which of course is what every expectant mother wants to hear! It really was that! After thinking about a natural birth or a c-section and flip flopping between the two Mason decided himself that he wanted to be born at 38 weeks, and after getting to 10cm dilated and pushing, he decided again that he didn’t want to come out that way which meant that I was to have an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic.

In Control

The whole experience with Hunter from start to finish was completely different, I had control. I decided on a c-section at 37 weeks (to avoid him beating me to it!) and I decided also to try a spinal so that I could be awake for his birth. As I have scoliosis of the spine without rods or surgery it was pretty much a gamble as to whether the spinal would take, how far up it would go or whether it would be too low down. But I was determined to try it. I wanted to see my baby born, and I wanted it on my own terms. It worked after three pretty painful attempts.

It was really eye opening to actually figure out, along with the consultant where my spine actually was, and which nerves reacted to being prodded with a pretty giant needle!

Kelly holds her newborn son Hunter, she is wearing a leopard print top and has dark hair and blue eyes

The Spinal

The spinal was INSANE, it felt like warm pins and needles running through my lower body and the consultant said that despite my spine it was some of his best work – “the perfect spinal”! I felt in control, and when I heard my baby’s first cry I was in bits! Such a special moment.

Living with PA’s and having a baby

From the start of the journey with Hunter I had complete control and that has not changed at all now. I am in full control, thanks to my PA’s. I can get the assistance I need, and I am able to make ALL of my own parenting choices.

Throughout Mason’s early years I was reliant quite a lot on family and they were fab. However, family often make decisions on your behalf, not maliciously or to take over, but just because it is often easier for them to jump in for a feed, or to comfort the baby there and then rather than help with positioning etc.!

Don’t get wrong, I am so grateful for all of my family support with both kids, I couldn’t be without it! But a PA is literally there to assist you, not to do the job for you. Of course, my PA’s love baby cuddles too but it is all on my terms.

Because of my amazing team I’m able to take the time out I need to do everything I need to do. Whether it’s going for a quick wee (something so many moms don’t get to do, especially disabled ones!) or grabbing that much needed bath. It is amazing to be able to work to a schedule with support, rather than just frantically trying to do everything that needs doing.

The Importance of Self Care

With Mason, I ended up in hospital due to my lack of time for basic self-care, and it was serious. I ended up with sepsis and was hospitalized for a week. This time, I have someone who is there for me, making sure I drink enough, making sure I go to the toilet and making sure I am eating properly. I can’t explain how important that is. It would be amazing if all new moms had PA’s, disability or not because honestly the help is invaluable!

A selfie of Kelly and her two year old son Mason who is sitting in his car seat. Kelly has bright red lipstick on to matchher bright red adidas jacket.

Invaluable Support

Finding a care agency that can work with you and provide tailored support is also so important! My care company made sure I was part of the process from start to finish, recruiting my own PA’s and then they allow me to work on my own rotas, ensuring that I have the perfect PA for each task at hand!

It’s important to me that I have the control element just like anyone else.  The support I have had has literally changed and enhanced my life!

Enjoy all our latest articles, interviews and news by connecting with us on Instagram and twitter or search hashtag #UndressingDisability.

All images copyright Kelly Perks-Bevington.

 

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Disabled Parenting – A podcast with Fran Hamilton

 

Jun 07
Online Dating when disabled - a womans hands hold a mobile phone whilst cartoon hearts and words fly out from the screen

Online Dating when Disabled: Is it worth it?

By The Love Lounge

Online dating when disabled. This is a very hot topic that we receive lots of questions about at the Love Lounge. We invited Ted Shiress, one of our sexperts, to share his thoughts, personal experience and advice.  Ted, who writes from a straight guy’s perspective, offers these pearls of wisdom.

Finding Love

I met my partner on a dating website. In the five or so years before that, I changed from thinking of myself as a complete romantic write-off to someone who knows what they’re doing. My experiences of it arguably buck the trend of most things I read by disabled daters. But the reality is for online dating to work, you’ve got to put some effort in! My practical tips and honest advice are shared below.

Introductions are Everything

Hi. How r u?

Hey. How’s it going?

Hello. What’s up?

Are you still reading? I hope so. Still, I can’t blame those who have clicked away. I have (at least on a non-ironic level) made no effort to arouse and sustain your interest. So it’s totally understandable if you’ve been distracted and turned to the flashiest thing on your screen. 

Introductions are everything. So get creative. Send imaginative messages, but also make sure that your profile sells you well.

Everyone’s Superficial!

“Everyone’s superficial!” I hear you cry. Well yes, there are lots of people who are superficial on dating sites. Why are you wasting your time with them? Ultimately, if your entire message is solely saying “Hi. how r u?” they probably think you’re superficial too! That’s probably the same message they got from other guys who were panting like a dog in heat at a flash of cleavage. Not the epitome of feeling wanted!

In my experience the average woman on a dating site isn’t short of messages. So, she’ll have little desire to give a seemingly unimaginative message any attention. Here, you have two options:

1) Only message matches you can see genuine common ground with

2) Or maybe slightly overplay the potential connection to spark a rapport 

Admittedly, the second is slightly shady, but sometimes potential takes time and exploration!

 

Perfecting Your Profile

I see people focus purely on their disability when writing their dating profile. I’m going to be harsh but honest here. If someone has little to no prior experience of disability, they might be thrown off-kilter. So, write interestingly and positively to counter that. Write about your interests: the places you’ve visited, books you’ve read, and music you love. Pull the reader in and get them hooked on what you have to say, rather than the equipment you might use to navigate the world. That’s perhaps a more intimate chat for later on.

Choose Your Dating Site Carefully

OK Cupid was my personal favourite dating site, and where I met my partner. This was because it gave me the most opportunity to go into detail and put myself across well. Honestly? It took a nudge from her housemate (Thanks Chrissie!) to get her to reply to my first message, but it worked!  In fact, it’s not a bad idea to ask friends to help you write your profile. Together, you might create the perfect dating pitch.

OK Cupid also had a good matching system, based on values rather than interests. An endless bank of questions you could answer gradually built up a kind of moral profile of who you were. It then matched you in % to potential partners. Obviously, it was a vague estimate but I often found the matches in the 90%s the most easy to talk to. I think my partner Astrid rocked in at 95% – see, my dear, stats don’t lie!

Is it Worth it?

So contrary to a lot of opinions, I say yes, online dating when disabled is worth it! Just don’t take it personally when you don’t get a reply. Your message is probably one of fifty!

Follow us on twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability. #UndressingDisability #LoveLoungeUK

More articles about online dating as a disabled person:

Online Dating As A Disabled Person

Rejection, dating and disclosing disability

Jun 07
I'm judging New Blood Awards 2020

D&AD Awards – Creativity, Diversity and Durex

By Undressing Disability

D&AD, or the Design and Art Direction is an educational charity promoting excellence in creative advertising and design. Their New Blood Awards give applicants, often students, the chance to get ahead and gain the exposure they require to start or accelerate their creative careers. Each year, real, big name clients set the briefs for the awards, with 2020’s challenges being set by the BBC, Barclays, LEGO, Nike, Durex and Penguin amongst others.

Emily wears a stripey top, dungarees with a pattern of planets and sits in front of orange patterned wallpaper

We are delighted to say that Enhance the UK were asked to support Durex with their written brief and Emily, who leads our Undressing Disability Campaign, will be one of the judges. The Durex brief is based on:

‘fighting for diverse representation and empowerment in sex for disabled people.’

 

Judging Panel

Live judging starts today, Wednesday 3rd June, and we are delighted that a Durex is challenging sexual conventions. We’re also incredibly impressed with how many creative applicants have worked on this brief, read or watched our content and got in touch with us. It is essential that we remain impartial, so sorry that we couldn’t give any of you advice but we wish you the very best through these next judging stages!

The Awards

To find out more about D&AD, the amazing New Blood Awards, and the Durex brief, please visit: https://www.dandad.org/en/d-ad-new-blood-awards/ 

Our Undressing Disability Campaign

Read more about our Undressing Disability campaign and free Love Lounge advice service.

Follow the Undressing Disability campaign on social media. We’re @ETUKUndressing on twitter and @UndressingDisability on Instagram.

Jun 07
How safe is sexting? written in black capital letters with a stress level sign below

How safe is sexting?

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi Love Lounge. How safe is sexting? My boyfriend and I got together 3 months ago and enjoy an active sex life. We met at the gym and got talking as we both have lost a limb, him to cancer, me to a car accident.

Funny how people come into your life at the right moment. I had recently split up with my ex and was feeling a bit down about myself and he is the pick me up I needed. We are both on the same page when it comes to sex and had been getting it on a lot prior to lockdown.
Now both living separately we’ve started having phone sex, using the video apps to get down and dirty. My boyfriend asked me to send him some saucy photos to keep and look at whenever he likes.  I’m feeling hesitant to do that. He doesn’t understand why and it’s caused an argument. I am wary of photos of me in the buff being stored somewhere and now he’s quizzing me on trust and making me feel bad. But I worry. How safe is sexting? I feel it’s a bit early in our relationship for him to have these pics. The video sex is different as we are both together in the moment and afterwards its gone.
Is it safe to send images to other people? Am I being a prude?

Our Answer

Communication

Firstly, it’s brilliant that you’ve been honest about how you feel about sexting. The fact that it’s caused a row is not necessarily a bad thing, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Setting boundaries and communicating about why these exist, and what they mean to you is important. It’s how we learn to respect one another, appreciate each other’s values and show consideration.

So how safe is sexting?

Good question! Sexting is very popular amongst consenting adults. For me, it comes back to one main factor: personal identification.

Even if you don’t post photos that show your face, your body may be identified by:

  • tattoos or birth marks
  • where you live – (posing in front of your fantastic wallpaper)
  • the data stored within an image

Reducing Risk

I’d recommend you read this article on 7 Crucial Tips to Safe Sexting . It provides information on how to remove the data from any images you choose to send. Remember that screenshots can still be taken from video calls too, so be careful there – especially if your face is in shot.

This article provides advice on How To Sext Safely.  It suggests which sites may be safer and the risks of using an app like Instagram which links to your identity.

Trust

Of course you should wholeheartedly trust anyone you send a nude to, that goes without saying. Try having an open discussion about your worries. Raise the points around the safety of sexting and what your boyfriend might do with the images (no need to argue!). Set some boundaries that you are comfortable with.

Don’t feel pressured

If he doesn’t understand or try to calm your worries by reassuring you, maybe he isn’t the guy you should be sending sexy photos to. Don’t feel under pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. Someone who respects you won’t put you in that position.

Hope this helps, and sending all best wishes,

Emily x

Have you got a question about sex and disability or intimate relationships? Write to us and our sexperts will help. Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge questions by following us on social media. On twitter we’re @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.  #UndressingDisability

Jun 07
Boring, routine sex - a woman in her 40s wearing a bra and jeans looks in a mirror, which is placed on top of a chest of drawers, applying make-up

Boring, Routine Sex

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,
I am a visually impaired woman in her 40’s and my question is about boring, routine sex. My husband of 15 years has always been a very sensual and a loving lover but lately any bedroom action has become routine like. I can’t even spice it up by fantasising in my head.  And talking to my fella about it only makes it worse. He gets really moody and implies I’m criticising him when I suggest we shake things up.

My friends and I discuss our sex lives and I don’t know if it’s an age thing, or a long term relationship thing but I know I’m not alone in needing more in the bedroom than I’m currently getting. Any tips for approaching this topic in a way that won’t bruise my husband’s ego would be ace, thanks.

Our Answer

Hello.  Boring, routine sex, as you put it, is not unusual for many couples. Especially if you’ve been together a while or have had a change in the circumstances of your relationship recently.

Communication is key

Communication of some kind is the only real answer here. Maybe you could change your approach to discussing this with your husband who is feeling defensive?

Instead of talking about boring, routine sex perhaps take it back to basics and ask him about what he likes in bed?

When we’ve been with someone for a while, it’s easy to think we know everything about them, including their fantasies and desires . As with anything in life, our tastes can change, and he might have felt unable to express this change to you. A more open, honest and positive chat might just do the trick.

What do you want out of your sex life?

If talking it through doesn’t go to plan then it’s time for Plan B. Ask yourself. What do I want from our sex life? Figure that out then make a move with something new such as:

Taking the initiative and spicing things up in a way that makes you feel sexy and in control might be the wake up call your husband needs to respond in the way you want and be more inventive in general.

Give it a go, hope this helps!

Emily x

Got a question about relationships, disabled dating or sex and intimacy? Write to us and our sexperts will offer free advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge questions by following us on social media. On twitter we’re @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.  #UndressingDisability

Jun 07
Doggy with CP - the word SEX written in orange paint on a white background with a hand

Doggy Style with CP

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge

Our Question

Hello,

I am male, I have Cerebral Palsy spastic quadriplegia, I am a full time wheelchair user. I have been married for nearly 8 years to an able bodied woman and we have a great sex life. My question is about doing it doggy style with CP.

Due to my disability I find certain positions difficult. I am eager to push my boundaries though. At present my wife will either go on top or we have sex on the side. I would however like to try doggy style or sex on top as I am keen to have more control.

I do struggle to get on my knees but can do it. It is then trying to stay stable and thrust.

I wondered if you could offer any advice?

Cheers, M

Our Answer

Hello mate,

Firstly, I highly commend you in continuing to be adventurous and push boundaries, it’s the way to success in everything (not just sex, but yes, obviously sex included!). So, doggy style with CP. Speaking as someone with Cerebral Palsy myself I always underestimate just how hard it is to crawl on a mattress, the indent I make creates the perfect hole to fall into!
Have you tried experimenting with different surfaces? Perhaps something firm enough that you don’t indent but soft enough that you both feel comfortable? Maybe some kind of mat? Or perhaps you could incorporate a grab-rail for some extra thrust and stability?
I’m sure a subtly worded email to the council about difficulties you have moving in bed (maybe don’t add ‘while getting my leg over’!) could get you one installed. That would give you both stability and something to help you thrust.
Have a look at liberator.com – they provide sex furniture (wedges etc) that might enable you both to try different positioning with a bit of support. Whilst these are pretty pricey, they might inspire you to get some foam yourself and have a go!
Just a few ideas, hope it helps!
Ted

Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and on twitter @ETUKUndressing. Learn more about sex and disability by purchasing our ‘Undressing Disability’ ebook priced at £5.99 All proceeds go to support our charity.

Jun 07
Sex when you have a stoma - a woman with long reddish hair sits on a bed holding a white duvet up and across her body

Sex when you have a stoma

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hey Love Lounge team,
My question is about having sex when you have a stoma. I’m 19 and at college. I’ve got a big group of friends and a busy social life but I’ve yet to have a sexual experience. I have a stoma which I’m grateful for as it means I can live a normal life and eat and drink whatever I want. But my inexperience with sex means I’m just not sure how it would work for me in a practical sense. I do get chatted up in the pub but anything beyond flirting I close down straight away. I feel panicked about intimacy, but I know I need to get over that. My closest friends know my situation and try to be supportive but as their bodies are different to mine they can’t really help. Have you got any advice?

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us at the Love Lounge.
The good news is, we have just the person for you! Our good friend and colleague, Hannah Witton, has a stoma and talks a lot about sex and disability.  Hannah’s a fantastic YouTuber and her videos are always fun and educational.
In the video below she talks all about having sex when you have a stoma.

Her tips include:

  • emptying your stoma bag before sex
  • using stoma bags you can fold up during sex
  • and even wearing crotchless underwear to keep the stoma bag in place

So, have a watch and see if this helps you at all.

You’re only 19 – please don’t feel pressured to be doing everything your friends are doing. Only take the sexual steps that feel comfortable and right to you. And also please don’t let worrying about sex when you have a stoma make you feel any less sexy or worthy of attention and intimacy. I know lots of people who wish their partners would wear something lacy and sexy in the bedroom so, there might be that to thank your bag for in the long run!!
Good luck, and sending you all best wishes,
Em x
Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and on twitter @ETUKUndressing. Learn more about sex and disability by purchasing our ‘Undressing Disability’ ebook priced at £5.99 All proceeds go to support our charity.
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