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The Love Lounge Live

Here’s a selection of your messages and questions answered by our non expert sexperts…

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“Three years married and frustrated since my accident…”

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love LoungeNo Comments

Hey Mik,
I just discovered your videos on youtube. I’m 29, female, been C5 tetraplegic for five years now since my accident, three years married and getting quite frustrated cause I still haven’t been able to reach orgasm after the accident. I love my husband and he loves me, but sex still leaves me just relaxed at most. We’ve tried different positions, I’ve tried “thinking myself to it”, but it won’t
help. I still have some minor feeling down there, but it’s like having sex while in a rubber suit really, so the sensations are nearly nonexistent.

I’ve almost lost hope, but after seeing your videos I’d really like to ask more about the techniques you use. I refuse to believe that I’ll never be able to come again.
Any ideas, suggestions or videos you could suggest?
Looking forward to your answer,
Freya.

Hi Freya, 
I suppose this is the unspoken part of spinal injury. We see stuff in the media about trying to get us to walk again, and hear stories of people not coping with their new life with SI but that is always put down to some other reason than sex and sexuality. But we know different eh? However much you miss walking, or dancing or kicking a football it’s sex that really cuts to the core. For most people with SI there is some change in function when it comes to sex, whether it’s dealing with pain or loosing sensation or function or both. This is why I have spent so much of my career in the media highlighting the topic, but usually on with a broader “disabled people have sex, get over it” manner. Then when I hit 30 I felt I was finally in a place to “come out” about how my SI impacted on my sexual function and how I had developed methods to cope with this. During my time in the media I had met a few disabled people who my technique had helped and I thought I should tell the world.
Now Freya, you’ve seen the videos I have online, including the one about “thinking yourself to orgasm”. However it doesn’t seem to be working. Can I ask have you and your partner tried it together? Have you tried getting your partner to help you with the first part of the thinking bit, the creating a head orgasm? I know that most of my advice seems to be aimed at people who are not in relationships, but that is because many of the people who ask for help are in that position. If you have a partner I have found the whole thing is easier. Make it a joint game. Another idea is to really let you fantasies run riot. If you have some sensation but it is  “like having sex while in a rubber suit” this is even better. I too experience fluctuating sensation so understand how it feels, but it’s then that the concept of head or tantric sex really helps. So why not chat with your partner and spend a few nights (or full days if you have time and the inclination) experimenting with anything that turns you on? You have to be the centre of it all, and you must guide what happens and how it’s done. Mostly as everything must be to get you there… You’re the important one for the moment.
More than that, don’t panic over this. I know that the awful worry of never getting back that part of your life can actually stop you getting there. It might be that you have lost the old orgasm that you once knew but that is not to say there isn’t a new one, a better one, just waiting to be discovered. I do know that any man deep down loves the idea of being the one who gives the woman he loves back her ability to orgasm, however she gets there, so trust me your husband will be a eager participant in whatever you get up to. But don’t feel less. Less sexy, less sexual, less of a woman. Don’t buy into those non-disabled tropes. We might not work like we used to, but we can work better. Remember that, and see what happens. It might not happen quickly, and it might not be exactly as you expected. But it will.
Lastly I must point out that these “thinking” orgasms aren’t like the old groin led ones. They are weird at first. I also understand they are different for everybody, so if I described mine to you it probably won’t help. Another thing to consider is that while I lost sensation for a while, it slowly came back. 5 years feels like a life time but it isn’t. I’ve had 35 years this April, yet stuff is still returning now. Not that I am giving you a false hope, but in my experience when the doctors say “that’s your lot” about what does and doesn’t work, take it with a pinch of salt. Biology is a weird master, so go with it. I will say that the more I had sex, the more I found my feeling worked. Tough life eh?
So, I hope this helps a bit? Basically try stuff, see what works for you. Who knows it might even be a rubber suit? If it is I know some great designers. One of the leading stars of the rubber world is herself disabled too! But whatever floats your boat, try it. Try it once, twice and keep trying stuff and see what happens. It might not give you back your non-disabled sexuality but I am sure it will give you something new… and better!
 Hope this helps? Maybe drop us a line and I’ll see if I can help more if not.
Good luck and have fun!
Mik
February 1, 2016
George from the Undatables

Disabled and Dateable

By Disability, Lifestyle, The Love LoungeOne Comment

If you were approached in a bar by somebody with a disability how would you feel? If you really think about it can you in all honesty say that you would be 100% comfortable with it; many people admit that they experience a certain level of fear when considering dating a person with a disability, some of this stems from concerns of being more of a carer than a partner whilst others worry about being politically incorrect and offending their potential date. When you examine these worries though, many are often unfounded.

Political Correctness
Being politically correct is something many people feel extremely tense about. These worries are often heightened when talking to a person with a disability. However language evolves all the time and what is deemed to be politically correct today when talking about disability may not be correct in a years’ time. One way to sweep any concerns under the rug is by listening to how the other person talks, and the language that they use when talking about their disability. When I talk to potential dates I’m often not politically correct, nor am I offensive. I use causal jokey language rather than medical jargon.

Will I be a Carer?
This is quite a common concern for people considering dating someone with a disability. However fretting about this and turning the question over in your mind is not going to do much good. The best way to get an answer is to voice your concerns. The chances are it won’t be your dates first time having this conversation, so relax. Everyone’s needs vary; many people value the independence they have or employ someone to care for them if they need extra help. They are looking to date you so try not be too worried.

Relax, breath and get to know the person behind the disability.

Watch the Undatables

January 23, 2016

“What can I try to do to help my pain in the bedroom and make sure my partner stays happy?”

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love LoungeNo Comments
“My chronic pain has never been properly diagnosed and i the last few years I have been unable to work because of it. My partner and I have been together for over ten years and had a really strong intimate relationship… until recently. I’ve been unable to enjoy any touch because of my pain recently and I find it hard to get in positions. My partner is understanding but I don’t want him to get frustrated as we are still young people in our early thirties. What can I try to do to help my pain in the bedroom and make sure my partner stays happy?” – Tina, Milton Keynes
Oh boy Tina, do I know how you feel. I also have had chronic pain for most of my adult life (I wrote about it on the Huffington Post recently) and also know how much it can prevent you from feeling sexy, or allow you to enjoy being touched. I can’t tell you any magic bullet, but I would advise you try Mindfulness. My GP sent me to a therapist who trained me in the Mindfulness technique specifically designed to help with chronic pain and it has changed my life. It gives you the ability to cope much better and puts you in charge of the pain.
Before I found the technique, I used to try to build up to sex slowly and this way I found I could get in the mood far easier. Another method might be role play. If you are really in the mood as you are living out a fantasy, pain is much easier to ignore. You might think that you have to do more to make it work, but I would advised you to ask your partner to take charge more, try stuff out and always keep checking that you are OK. That way as you get more intimate, he’s exploring you while you’re in control and both of you feel conformable. That in itself can be a bit of fantasy eh? Pain is a bugger to live with, but trust me you can find a way through and nothing gets rid of pain like a really nice orgasm. Sure not for long, but if you keep them coming then it’s the best pain medication ever. – Mik
December 9, 2015

“I’m worried I won’t look as smooth rolling around on the dancefloor!”

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love LoungeNo Comments

“I was involved in an accident and after a long road of recovery I am now adjusting to life as a wheelchair user. So far, mostly, so good but I do have some worries about the practicalities of my new piece of kit​!

Before the accident I loved nothing more than hitting bars and meeting new people. I’m worried I won’t look as smooth rolling around on the dancefloor!” – Tim, Crawley

Hi Tim. To be honest I found myself looking far cooler once I started dancing in a wheelchair than I ever did on wheels. I have been known to take over a dance floor with my moves, and once even podium danced as a massive rave. I can see no reason why you couldn’t either. That’s not to say that getting back out once you start using a chairs is a bed of roses.
There are always the annoying issues of access, especially the thorny issue of accessible loos when you have had a few, but once you start hitting the nightlife you will find those local haunts that are OK and this becomes a regular. I found that going to a pub or club a lot gave you a chance to explain to the management how they could improve their access even more too.
If I’m honest, I had similar worries when I started my life on wheels, way back in the 1980s, but I soon found the call of a good time out weighed any fears I had. I also discovered that if you “accidentally” clip the foot of someone you fancy with your front caster you have a perfect in, and the offer of a drink to say sorry is rarely refused. Don’t crush their foot as this will never work, but a gentle nudge never failed me. Get out there and see what happens.
December 7, 2015

“At 28 I started partially losing my sight last year and have increasingly been losing faith that I will find a boyfriend…”

By Disability, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love LoungeNo Comments
At 28 I started partially losing my sight last year and have increasingly been losing faith that I will find a boyfriend – it was hard enough before! Would you recommend trying to date other people with impairments such as myself? Will able bodied men see me for me? (Pardon the pun..)
Jasmine
Hmm. I really think that it’s what works for you Jasmine. If you might feel safer and at ease with some who also has a visual impairment that why not try it? But not if you feel that’s all you can get, or you are having to choose that route because you are disabled. No one should make do, especially people as amazing as us! I think that the right person will not only not care that you have a disability, they will see how that has made you the perfect person for them. I found that with my wife, and I feel like that about her. She has a big burn scar all down her right side of her body, and when I met her I knew she was perfect for me as she had it on show. So while she doesn’t call herself disabled, I say she is. We have a shared experience of doctors, and of people being real tossers. Trust me, I was shocked to experience how people react to someone with a visible scar. Shocking. But I digress. I really feel that we, as disabled people, can internalise our fears and allow them to get in the way of us finding love. In a way, disability can act a filter stopping the really awful possible relationships getting in the way of the possible good ones. If some one is put off by a disability then they really aren’t right for us, and so hooray. Make way for those who don’t care.
I know this isn’t really much help, but if I was you I’d just get out there, enjoy life and see what life brings. We spend too much time worrying about relationships and dating and what we should be doing is living life. Along the way it’s much more likely to meet people, and those people tend to be the ones who we want to be with, rather than those we feel we might have to stay with. If they are are visually impaired of not won’t really matter, if they are right… they are right! – Mik
October 26, 2015

“Should I feel guilty since my accident has changed my partners lifestyle…”

By Disability, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love LoungeNo Comments
My fiancee and I are getting married next summer and since my accident last year, and the fact that I have to use a wheelchair, we haven’t been the most active couple we once were. We were always trekking or mountain biking and I feel this was a big part of her attraction to me. I feel like I am making her live a life she didn’t choose. Should I feel guilty? Tom

 

Hi Tom. It’s one of the elements of becoming disabled that is rarely talked about, the guilt felt for those who are in our lives. Whether it’s wider family or our partners, it’s tough to cope with that feeling that we are now a burden, or that we have made their lives change too. I’ve talked to my wife about this, and although we met after my first spinal injury (yes I’ve had two, so greedy or what) she had to care for me while I was being treated for my second and the surgery that I required. She had to quit her £500/week job and go onto £50/week carer’s allowance, and both of our lives fell apart. But she insisted she had no worries about this at all. SHE LOVED ME! And I expect you are in the same boat. That love doesn’t care about you using a wheelchair, or legs or flying. Your partner loves you, and it’s vital that you remember that. If you let your guilt and worry colour how you treat her, you may create a self fulfilling prophesy.
However, just because you are now one of us wheelie types doesn’t mean the end of your active lifestyle. In fact it might open up a whole new world of outdoor fun to you. There are many wheelchairs on the market that allow you to venture into the outside world, I’ve tried two – the Boma – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayeUCvj4D5Q and the Trekinetic – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0VCTpguiLo and I can promise they are loads of fun. My local sports centre has a climbing wall and does mountain climbing for us wheelchair users, and there are loads of other such sports open to you. The stereotype of a wheelchair user is no longer true mate, we are eating up dangerous and outdoor sports and creating new ones too. Look online and get out there.
But most important, you are no different to the person you were before the accident. You just use a different mechanism for getting around. Sure other bits of your body might work differently too, but you are still you. And your partner loves you. Take that love at face value. Don’t over think it, or let the way society paints disability make you doubt it. Us wheelies are very loveable types and we make great partners. If for no other reason than it’s easy to keep us in bed… just take our chair away!
I wish you loads of luck and happiness. I hope the big day goes well. Now stop worrying and kiss your partner, get on online, get a great all terrain wheelchair and get out there. Hopefully I’ll see you scooting up a mountain somewhere? I’m easy to spot, I’ve got stupid red hair… and my wife hair is bright blue!

 

October 21, 2015

“I started university in September and I have CP…”

By Disability, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love LoungeNo Comments
I have just started university this September in Bournemouth. I have CP with limited movement in my hands and slurred speech. I have been getting involved in all the freshers events and enjoyed meeting people. There’s a girl who lives in my block in halls who has been incredibly kind to me and we have struck up a close friendship. I really fancy her and would love something more. Can I tell her this? I’m worried she’s just being nice to me because I’m the disabled kid.
Brendan

 

My advice Brendan is go for it! I remember thinking that people I really fancied were only being nice to me because I was disabled, and I didn’t take the chance. Years later I met them and they were rather cross when I told them how I used to feel, as they felt that way too. It’s too easy to think negatively, but if you don’t take the chance you’ll never know. It’s far worse to regret stuff you didn’t do than the stuff you did! Trust me, as an old duffer I give you this advice from experience. Best bet is to ask her out for a meal, and then slip in a kind of “I know it sounds a bit crap, but I really fancy you. I don’t want to to mess up our friendship, but I also would hate to miss out on this being something more, so I thought I’d ask just in case you fancy me too” kind of thing. If she isn’t into you that way, then you still have a mate, and maybe she can set you up with one of her mates… but she might say “yes, I fancy you too” and off you go. Either way, no one looses… and you might win! Always jump, because no one really wins playing safe!
Also, I learned along the way that just because we are disabled doesn’t make us less fanciable, either as a bit of fun or potential life partners. We are damn great, and anyone who gets us is damn lucky! – Mik
October 20, 2015

“I’m a single mum and I suffer chronic pain and spinal problems…”

By Emily Yates, Mik Scarlet, The Love LoungeNo Comments
 Hello there,I’ve just read an article about your organisation and wondered if you could help me. I’m a single mum and I suffer chronic pain and spinal problems and things are hard. The pains debilitating and I’m very lonely. Is there any service you can offer me, put me in touch with likewise people with disabilities. I’m not sure if this is something you offer.
Kindest regards, Rachael

 

 Hi Rachael, many thanks for writing in to us at the Love Lounge.
Sorry to hear of your struggles, but great that you’ve written in to us, and you’re wanting things to change.
Pain is such a tough thing to deal with, and for us to give advice on, as it really does differ for everyone! If it’s really debilitating and affecting your life so severely, I’d suggest having a chat with your doctor to see if anything else can be done. In terms of getting yourself out there and kicking that loneliness into touch, what really works for several people I know is planning ahead – having dates in the diary to look forward to, and being able to factor in ‘rest days’ or even ‘rest hours’ into your day so that these dates in the diary (hopefully) end up being events you can attend and enjoy without too much pain or worry.  When there isn’t anything huge to look forward to, could your friends come to you instead of meeting you for coffee in town, just so you can socialise and still be in control if pain really strikes?
It’d be great to know more about you – do you use any mobility equipment to get around, and can certain friends or family members be at hand to accompany you on a girly shopping afternoon, or take single mum pressures off you when you need some ‘me’ time, even if that’s relaxing in front of the TV?!
In terms of dating, I’d recommend boosting your confidence a little by taking some lovely photos of yourself, writing up a positive profile about what you enjoy, and trying online dating.  It’ll get conversations going, you can do it from the comfort of your own home and, you never know, these online conversations might turn into dates for your diary! 🙂
If they do, please let me know! There’s lots of equipment out there that can also help with chronic pain in the bedroom….
Wishing you lots of luck,
Emily x

 

Hi Rachel,
I know how you feel, as I experience high levels of pain. It is something that can get in the way of every part of life, especially intimacy. It’s tough to feel sexy when just being touched hurts. However, I must say that sex is also a fantastic method of pain relief, so don’t think that being in pain will stop you from being intimate with someone. I have found that sex alleviates pain, and this can last for some time. Not always but some times.
On the dating front, I must admit I’m way out of touch with dating in today’s world. I’ve been married for ten years, to the woman I’ve been with for twenty. But I have always lived with pain, ever since my spine collapsed and so know how it can make you feel you might not be the catch of the year. Don’t let that thought colour the way you act. The right person will be supportive, but I found along the way to finding the right person that even a few wrong ones are understanding around pain. They might have been wrong for other reasons but most people seem to understand that pain might make you feel off now and then.
The whole online dating scene is alien to me, but if you fancy trying old school dating try finding activities you enjoy. Then when you are doing them socialise and et voila, you may find Mr Right. I met my wife like this, and it allowed us to stay together as we have so much in common. Emily’s advice around building schedules that allow you to recover is vital. It’s how I have built a successful life. I work, or party or whatever, and then I book some time off to recover. I’m writing this from my sofa, after returning from a holiday. I even book time off to recover from holidays! This is the best technique for beginning to get out now and then. Arrange something that you really fancy doing, do it, and then give yourself the time to recover… and never knock yourself for needing this time. Your health is vital and you should never feel bad for needing recovery time. As you go out more, your confidence will grow. Sure they’ll be knock backs, times when the pain wins out, but you will be in control, not the pain.
Another technique I tried which changed my life was mindfulness. This meditation technique sounded far to hippy dippy for me, but as you know sometimes pain can get so bad you’d try anything. It set me free! Ask your GP to see if they run Mindfulness for pain in your area. It allows you to develop a different relationship with your pain and when it gets bad you can use it to lessen it’s impact. Can’t sing it’s praises too highly. Mik.
October 19, 2015

“I can’t help thinking that any move that is made on me is a bit of a joke or a dare…”

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love LoungeNo Comments

To the Love Lounge,

My name’s Alex, I’m 26 and a wheelchair user.  I’m really lucky – whenever I go out loads of girls come up and chat to me and they’re really interested in me.  I know that I’m reasonably good looking, but I can’t help thinking that any move that is made on me is a bit of a joke or a dare?  It’s always in the back of my mind when someone pretty is chatting to me, and it needs to stop. Please help!

Hi Alex,

What an interesting post, thanks so much for sharing this with us.  The answer to this is simple, but I don’t know whether it will give you the solution you’re looking for.  Basically, society has made us feel that, as disabled people, we are less attractive and our bodies are ‘broken’ – nowehere near sexy or desirable!  It’s a really tough cycle to rebel against, but these girls that are coming up to you obviously think you’re sexy AND desirable!!  The trick is to focus on your assets rather than your wheelchair.  You’ve said it yourself – you’re good looking, I’m sure you can make great conversation and crack a joke or two.  This is so much more important to many people than whether you’re standing or sitting. And even then, if you do get the odd joke or dare approach, who’s attitude needs to change? It certainly isn’t yours 🙂

Best of luck in your journey to love,
Em x

July 20, 2015

“Will sex hurt with my Cerebral Palsy?”

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love LoungeNo Comments

Dear Emily,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, and it’s time for us to go the next step and have sex. I have cerebral palsy, affecting my arms and legs, and I’m terrified that I don’t know what to do, whether it will hurt, and whether it’ll be good for both of us.  Do you have any advice for me please?

Thanks,
Katie.

Hi Katie,

Thanks so much for writing in.  This is something that is a real worry for many people, and it was for me, too! I also have CP, so can hopefully give you some good advice.  Firstly, it’s great that you and your boyfriend are in a stable relationship and are ready to move to the next stage, but my first bit of advice is that you should talk about what’s going to be your first time.  It shouldn’t be the elephant in the room!! Hopefully chatting about sex and knowing that your boyfriend loves you and won’t ever intend to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable should put you at ease.  Is your boyfriend disabled too, or able-bodied? Is this also going to be his first time? This will obviously affect how you talk about certain positions and the logisitics of ‘doing it’.  In terms of ‘knowing what to do’, talking frankly to family members really helped me.  I was really honest with my sister, mum and auntie, and spoke to them about my worries.  They all told me about positions and movements that they thought would be the easiest and least painful for me, but to be honest, you and your fella should be comfortable enough with each other to talk through everything and willing to change positions at any moment if they aren’t working out for you.  Communication is the key.  The first time probsbly won’t be red hot fireball passionate sex, but that will come once you’ve found your ‘rhythm’. In terms of pain, the more you relax and communicate, the less it will hurt.  If it does hurt, it’s simple: stop, talk, and try something different.  The worst thing you can do is keep going in the hopes it’ll get better!  If you’re confident and comfortable going into it, I’m sure it’ll be really great for you both.  If it isn’t, you can always try something new next time! Good Luck 🙂

Em x

July 7, 2015
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