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Undressing Disability Archives | Page 2 of 7 | Enhance the UK

May 22

Sex and pleasure for disabled women in Nigeria

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

In this interview, sexual rights activist and researcher Susie Jolly interviews Ejiro Sharon Okotie, development professional in gender, social inclusion and disability rights. Ejiro shares her trailblazing advocacy work supporting disabled women in Nigeria with their pleasure and sexual expression, and why the need for societal recognition of their sexual rights is more important than ever before.

Susie: Tell us more about your research and advocacy work. What is it all about and what was the motivation behind this work in the first place?

Ejiro: In 2017-2018, while I was running training for disabled people in Nigeria on sexual and reproductive health and rights, one of the participants who had a Spinal Cord Injury shared, “After my accident, my biggest worry was if I still could have sex, less so my injury. However, I was too ashamed to ask the doctors and lived with that anguish for four months”. 

Another participant asked “At what point does masturbation become unhealthy?” Pleasurable activities like masturbation had been demonised and disabled people who engaged in it, were regarded as corrupt, bad, spoilt etc.

Meeting such project beneficiaries and hearing their stories made me realise how narrow our project had been and the huge gap that existed around the subject of sexuality and pleasure, especially as it related to disabled women. I realised this was a gap in the inclusive Sexual and Reproductive Health (SRH) project I had worked on (implemented through a collaboration between the Nigeria Association of the Blind (NAB) and the Journalists Against AIDS Nigeria (JAAIDS)). 

I became curious to delve deeper into this area of research, to understand if exploring sexuality and pleasure could contribute to the empowerment of disabled women in Nigeria. My advocacy seeks to enable healthy expression of sexuality and pleasure for disabled women, and societal recognition of the need for their ability to exercise their sexual rights.

Susie: What are you keen to highlight about the lived experience of disabled women in Nigeria?

Ejiro: Being a disabled woman myself, a common phrase I heard when I first began working in development was “disabled women get sex by chance and not by choice”. I want to highlight the fact that the narrative of disabled women only having negative experiences of sexuality such as rape, sexual abuse or assault is not the whole story. Disabled women also have positive, healthy romantic and sexual relationships and experiences, and possess agency in exercising their sexual rights. This was very evident in a documentary we produced as an offshoot from the research. 

Susie: How are you seeing prejudice and ableism affect disabled women in Nigeria when it comes to their sexual health and sexual expression?

Ejiro: In Nigeria, as in many other parts of the world, only a complete and functioning body is assumed to allow sexual expression or enjoyment of sexual rights and sexual health. The general perception is that disabled women do not, or should not, have sexual needs or desires, require sexual health information/services or even think about expressing their sexuality. 

These ideas typically come from the immediate families of these disabled women, and extend into society. This lack of recognition of the sexuality and sexual rights of disabled women continues to disempower them, and make them more vulnerable to sexual and gender-based violence (SGBV) and ill-health.

Susie: What changes would you like to see happen to better support disabled Nigerian women with their sexual health and sexual expression? 

Ejiro: A key change must be intentionality from parents, care-givers and broader society in Nigeria on effectively engaging disabled women on their sexual health, providing avenues for healthy conversations around their sexuality, supporting their efforts at a healthy expression of their sexuality and sexual rights, and providing safe spaces for disabled women to share positive experiences and support other disabled women who are survivors of SGBV or other violations of their sexual rights. 

We need a more responsive, sensitive, and proactive Nigerian population (families, community members, duty bearers) to foster an inclusive environment for disabled women as it relates to their sexual health and sexual rights.

Susie: Tell us more about the organisation you are running for disabled and youth.

Ejiro: The Hope Inspired Foundation for Women and Youth with disabilities (HIFWYD), is a woman-led organisation, founded on 27th February 2015, and registered as an Organisation of Persons with Disabilities in Nigeria. The Foundation was established to empower and amplify the voices of women and youth with disabilities, with a mission committed to promoting and protecting rights and inclusive development through advocacy, capacity-building, economic empowerment/livelihood support, and public engagement. 

HIFWYD envisions a society where everyone, regardless of disability or any circumstances, can realise their potential and live their dreams. HIFWYD has implemented several projects on entrepreneurship development for disabled women, as well as life-skills programs for disabled girls. 

More recently we have undertaken several projects to improve access to inclusive, comprehensive sexuality education, especially for disabled women/girls in rural communities, as well as building their capacities as self-advocates to realise their rights through better implementation of Disability laws in Nigeria. HIFWYD has been supported by several donor partners with the most recent being the Disability Rights Fund (DRF/DRAF) and World Connect.

About Ejiro

Ejiro Sharon Okotie, is a Development Professional focusing on Gender, Social Inclusion, Disability Rights and most recently, Sexuality. Currently she works as the Gender and Social Inclusion Specialist for the USAID State Accountability Transparency and Effectiveness (State2State) Activity, implemented by DAI Nigeria. She is a Chevening Alumnus with a Masters in Development Studies from the Institute of Development Studies (IDS) at the University of Sussex. As the Founder of the Hope Inspired Foundation for Women and Youth with Disabilities (HIFWYD), a DPO in Nigeria, Ejiro works to empower women and youths with Disabilities for productive living and equal participation in society. 

For more information about The Inspired Foundation, check out their Instagram.

About Susie

Susie Jolly is a sexual rights activist and researcher, and Honorary Associate at the Institute of Development Studies. She previously led the Ford Foundation China portfolio on sexuality education, with a 2 million US dollar annual budget, developing the strategy ‘the marginalised educate the mainstream’. This included supporting disabled women and young people to organise and advocate, supporting disabled activists to work on sexuality, and sexuality educators to learn from disabled people’s organisations on how to become more inclusive.

Dec 15
A graphic of a group of people gathered with music playing, in the forefront a figure stands alone, waving hello

Lonely In A Crowded Room #DisabilityAndLoneliness

By Undressing Disability

Our latest awareness campaign highlights that loneliness is a major issue for many disabled people.

What may not be obvious to everyone is that even in a room of friends and family, people can still feel isolated and alone.

Jennie Williams, CEO of Enhance The UK writes about everyday situations that can be isolating when you are Deaf or have a hearing impairment.

Jennie has long caramel coloured hair, brown eyes and wears red lipstick

When you’re Deaf or have a hearing impairment like me, there are some situations that can feel daunting and a bit stressful. Family gatherings and social get togethers being a prime example.

You see, in a noisy restaurant with background music, or even at home with lots of people talking at once, it can be really difficult to engage in conversation.

Picture the scene. Auntie Mary is sitting to my left reminiscing about when she met Uncle Freddie. My cousin John is chatting across the table to my sister about his new job. My daughter is tugging at my sleeve with a question and the dog is barking in the background. As a hearing person you might find this experience loud and distracting. Imagine how that feels when you’re trying to tune in to one voice at a time.

The thing that most people don’t grasp is that when a D/deaf person puts on their hearing aid or cochlear implant it’s not like wearing a pair of glasses. There isn’t sudden clarity. My hearing aids pick up ALL of the sounds around me whether I want them to or not. It takes time for my brain to adapt and work out sounds and that can be very tiring. Add into this reality the challenge of trying to lipread someone with a big bushy beard, or poor lighting and it’s completely exhausting.

What’s important to remember is that Communication is a 50-50 thing. We’ve all got a part to play. It shouldn’t just be the deaf person, always trying to ‘hear’ everything that’s being said. The statistics show that 1 in 6 people in the UK have a hearing impairment so it’s highly likely someone you know can relate to feeling excluded from the conversation. This barrier can lead to a disconnect and that’s where loneliness kicks in.

So what can people do to make social gatherings more accessible?

Well if you’re a hearing person you could start by asking what a D/deaf person’s access needs are. What would make the environment more comfortable and accessible? Examples are:

  1. Turning down background music
  2. Asking the restaurant for a quiet table
  3. Asking where the best place for you to sit is, so they can lip read you

If you’re the one with the hearing impairment then you could consider educating people by being open about what your own access needs are. Hearing loss is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It happens to the best of us, myself included, and I’ve found being honest about it helpful.

If a hearing person suggests you should wear a hearing aid because it would make life easier for THEM to be able to communicate with you, that’s not the reason you should wear one. It’s a decision only you can make if and when you’re ready to.

Stay Connected

Follow our disability and loneliness campaign by searching the hashtag #DisabilityAndLoneliness. Join us on twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.

Nov 29
Charlotte Faragher smiles for the camera. She has long dark hair, a white top with blue stripes

Loneliness – A Semi-Paranoid Perspective

By Disability, Undressing Disability

This guest article is written by Charlotte Faragher, a disability rights writer from Oldham. Charlotte, who has had quadriplegic cerebral palsy since birth, has published many articles about disabled dating and intimate relationships.

Loneliness is something that will affect us all at some point in our lives. It is sadly true that irrespective of personal circumstance many of us will have had to tackle this issue with unflinching realism, thanks to Covid 19 and everything that has brought. Yet, I believe there are a particular set of negative voices and presumptions to battle daily if you are a disabled young person in today’s society, as I am.

Charlotte wears a red top, has long dark brown hair and a big smile

One of these facets is having to accept what my future may look like, especially as my parents are currently my main care givers. In the years ahead, without a partner or close friend to take over that role, it is most likely I would have to be placed under the permanent care of the local authority. This personally fills me with deep shame, and I have no doubt it would have a severe negative impact on my physical and mental state, thus exacerbating my feelings of loneliness.

I think in this way because it gives the impression that my disability and all its complex components are just too multifaceted and tiring for someone to handle permanently. Additionally, if I were placed in a care home or supported living at a relatively young age, I would have extra time to stew over the lack of significant life experiences I’ve had. Life experiences that would be hampered further by the reduced freedom to do as I please, when I want.

Although I understand that I can greatly reduce the stress felt by my loved ones by being a positive, thankful light in their lives, it does not mean that the enormity of caring for me will magically reduce as a result.

Romantic Relationships

Furthermore, if I were in a romantic relationship there would inevitably be times when a partner would want to lean on me for support. I worry I would not be able to help them through as effectively as I would like. This could lead to us both feeling more isolated and lonelier.

Friendships

When it comes to friendships, I often struggle to make friends or feel genuinely comfortable in a friendship group for two reasons.

1. I worry that the people I want to befriend won’t fully understand or respect the reality of my disability. I am almost fully competent, educationally and emotionally, yet struggle to do many physical activities that others may take for granted. I also think that people will see me as less intelligent and socially aware simply because of my differences.

2. I feel that when going out with friends, they have to put up with extra inconveniences such as things taking longer due to my care needs, or choice of venues being limited due to poor access.

Paranoid Thinking?

I often wonder if my friends enjoy the experiences less, simply because I am there. Are their assurances that they are unbothered by these changes to their normal night out genuine? Is it better to be lonely than experience friendship induced paranoia?

To summarise, I am aware that one way to reduce my paranoia and feelings of loneliness is to try to remember that I am an awesome, valuable person who has just as much right to a rich and beautiful life as anyone else.

Indeed, friendships are a key element to humans not just surviving but thriving. I also could get out and socialize more and stop assuming that everyone has negative and apprehensive feelings towards me and my disability. It could, in fact, enhance our relationships.

If people were more open and outwardly accepting of others with differences, it would allow me to feel more loved and valued in the body I have, just as I am. So let’s work together!

Follow Our Loneliness Campaign

This article by Charlotte Faragher is part of Enhance The UK’s disability and loneliness camaign. For tips on overcoming loneliness and for more insightful articles search the hashtag #DisabilityAndLoneliness and follow our campaign. We’re @ETUKUndressing on twitter and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.

More from Charlotte

If you enjoyed this article by Charlotte you can read more from her in this article about romantic relationships. You can also connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

Nov 12
A graphic of a man showering with a thought bubble that say SEX, behind him are two carers

Disability, Sexual Expression and the Privilege of Privacy

By Disability, Undressing Disability

Let’s take a look at the realities many disabled people face around sexual expression and intimate relationships.

This article is written by Zoe Lloyd, a counsellor and disabled woman who has live-in PA’s. It is intended to provide insight for:

  • care home workers
  • carers and personal assistants
  • occupational therapists and physiotherapists
  • those working and supporting disabled people to enjoy every aspect of a fulfilling adult life.

Question

To give an insight, let’s start with a few questions to help set the scene.

  •  What do you do to prepare for a date or a naughty weekend away?
  •  Do you need help with intimate personal grooming such as hair removal or applying body lotion to make you feel and look your best?
  • Who do you tell when you’re planning to have sex?
  • Who helps you to open the packaging on your new sexy lingerie or sex toy?

Privacy

We’re guessing many of you get ready for a hot date in private and don’t have to tell anyone else what you’re up to. Some of us will not have that freedom of privacy and will rely on a carer/PA to help us get ready for some intimate fun.
This could be requiring help to shave ‘down there’ or packing sexy underwear and sex toys into a case…. someone knows what your plans are!
Many disabled people live their lives in this way, without the privilege of privacy.

a graphic of a male showering with two carers in the background and thought bubble that reads SEX coming from his head

Embarrassment and Anxiety

All of these scenarios where someone is left feeling quite exposed by their lack of privacy, can lead to a constant underlying hum of embarrassment and anxiety.

No matter how much you may laugh it off or pretend you’re confident, having no privacy affects you.

Other people don’t need to have someone involved in these processes unless they choose to share. That’s the key – our lack of choice. If we need to pack a case for a sexy weekend, and can’t physically do it ourselves, then someone else will always know what you’re taking and what you’re planning. Therefore, we either deal with that, or we would have to deny the sexual part of ourselves forever. All just to save some embarrassment. Disabled sexuality should not be a taboo topic, whether that be in residential care homes, in PA/client relationships, or wider society.

Disclosure to a PA/Carer

Another point to consider is which carer/PA would you feel comfortable involving in this intimate side of your life? Disabled people can have several carers all of whom come with their own personal set of beliefs and embarrassment levels which can cause more barriers.

Imagine planning your sex life around the days a specific carer –the most approachable one– is working? This is a perfect example of the lack of spontaneity many disabled people face. It’s great when you’ve created a relationship with your carer where you feel happy to disclose these details. However many people don’t get that luxury.

Plus there’s having the confidence in yourself to ‘own’ your sexuality and not be concerned about someone else knowing your private life. Finding this secure place within yourself can be a lengthy process. Yes, you’ll see Instagram influencers who appear very comfortable with their sexuality, naturally that’s why they’re in the public eye! They provide a voice for those without the confidence. Unfortunately many people feel trapped,  still too ashamed to share their sexual desires with their carer. Resulting in their carer not knowing how to help facilitate access to their wishes.

Starting the Conversation

How can carers and care giving professionals improve this situation?

  1. Tell your client know you are open to having this kind of conversation. Take the awkwardness away before it gets to that point. For example you could say, ‘I’m here to support you in whatever way I can. I’m happy to talk or help you with anything – even if it’s sex stuff! I know it can be embarrassing, so I’m letting you know you don’t have to feel embarrassed with me’.
  2. If it feels appropriate, share a story of your own, so they don’t feel there’s such an imbalance of having privacy exposed.
  3. Depending on your work environment, have literature or symbols (say Pride colours for example) visible. This way the client knows that the PA/Carer or organisation is a safe setting of acceptance. These items can be used as a prompt for a conversation starter.
  4. Judging each situation differently. You may be able to suggest, in a light-hearted manner, ‘oh are you going to take some sexy underwear?’, or ‘bet you’re going to get all spruced up – want me to help?’ This breaks the barrier for them and the client can then say yes or no more easily.

 

Sexual Expression Training

Enhance The UK runs two fantastic training courses on sexual expression, the first of their kind in the UK. The courses are designed to support residential care home workers and those working in the field to better understand disability sexuality and an individual’s right to sexual expression. Learn more via the links below or get in touch to enquire about available dates.

Disability and Sexual Expression Training

Sexuality, Sexual Expression and Relationships Training for Care Providers

 

 

Sep 10
A group of young people, at the front are a young couple holding hands one of whom is a wheelchair user

Disability Inclusive Sex Education

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Tips for teachers to create disability inclusive sex education.

When delivering sex education, it is important that everyone can access the session equally and feel that the content speaks to them personally. All sessions should be inclusive, regardless of whether it is known that there is a disabled person or child partaking in the lesson. Here are a few factors to consider to ensure lessons are as inclusive as possible.

Representation

It is crucial that each student feels represented by the content. Often, resources show diversity in terms of race, age, weight, and gender but disabled children can often feel left out. They do not see anyone that is like them included in the sex education material. This feeds into the stigma around sex and disability. With a subtle change of focus in education, showing a disabled person in the images for example, the recognition that disabled people want and indeed do have sex and intimate relationships can become the standard view in our society.

This representation can be valuable for both sides:

• the disabled person to no longer feel that sex and relationship probably aren’t for them, as it’s not talked about with their situation being characterised.
• Other pupils seeing inclusive sex education can help stop perpetuating the notion that they couldn’t or shouldn’t have a relationship with a disabled person.

Accessible Resources

Not everyone will be able to access the lesson material in the same way. When planning your sessions ensure you have differentiated resources. There are some examples of adjustments you can implement:
• Ensure all videos are subtitled. This is useful practice at any time and for anyone, not just if you know of a deaf/hard of hearing pupil.
• Interactive games/exercises – think about whether these are accessible. Sometimes a small adjustment like a large dice or putting people in groups so they can work together and support each other can make a big difference.
• Providing large print worksheets
These should all be offered as standard, in any lesson.

Be Pupil-Led

You will have worked hard on your lesson plan, but you’ll be writing from your frame of reference. It is useful to be open to suggestions or concerns from pupils. Allow space for them to offer their thoughts and raise points that are meaningful for them. Then listen and respond to those points. It may not fit the direction of your lesson plan, but it could be what is needed by them and where the real learning could happen.

Range of Learning Styles

Ensure each session is delivered in a range of learning styles, so that each pupil gets a chance to learn in the way that works best for them.
Think about Visual, aural, verbal (reading/writing) and kinesthetic ways of learning and share the material in:
• Videos/Images
• Group Discussion
• Activities
If an activity is tricky for someone to do, then ask if there’s a way they think they may like to try it, or check if they’re ok watching someone else do it. For example, someone with poor dexterity may struggle with putting a condom on the demonstrator. They can still learn the right way by watching a peer do it. Also, this could develop into a discussion point for how people would overcome feeling awkward doing this for the first time with a partner if someone struggled.
There is always learning to be had from every situation if the session allows the freedom for discussion.
If every lesson is delivered catering for the different learning styles, then you are already halfway there to being fully inclusive!

Learn More

Keen to make your sex and relationships education lessons inclusive? Then check out our Disability and Sexual Expression training

Contact us directly or you can also follow our Undressing Disability campaign on Instagram and twitter.  #UndressingDisability

 

Jun 02
A brown haired woman presses her hands over her eyes exhausted with her glasses resting on her head. Her shoulders are visible and she wears a multicoloured top

Sex, Chronic Pain and Fatigue

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I want to ask about sex, chronic pain and fatigue. I really want sex with my partner, but I might need antibiotics and a few days in bed to recover. I get so frustrated that I have to wonder if the price of doing it is worth it? I feel like I should always be able to offer sex, but I know that it will cause me pain for days. I worry about how this impacts my relationship with the man I love. I’m writing in to ask for any tips you may have!

Thanks,
Belle

 

Our Answer

Hi Belle,

Thanks for writing to us, we get a lot of questions about sex, chronic pain and fatigue.

You’ll have discovered that advice is often targeted towards erectile dysfunction, inability to reach orgasm, or fertility problems which won’t answer your question. On our Undressing Disability Hub, we have a more detailed resource on sex, chronic pain and fatigue (it’s free) for anyone who might want more insight. Here I’m going to focus on what you’ve asked for… some practical tips.

A brown haired woman presses her hands over her eyes exhausted with her glasses resting on her head. Her shoulders are visible and she wears a multicoloured top

Honesty

Find a way to effectively communicate with your partner, letting them know how much energy you have in the tank right now. What you are capable of doing, and whether you’re willing to go ahead and have a great time even if it means you pay for it the day after.  Don’t be too proud, you don’t have to power through all the time.  Revealing your vulnerabilities can often be very bonding for you and your partner.

Positions

If your body has changed because of a chronic condition or disability, then using toys or props might help. It may be easier for you to strategically position pillows for support or comfort. Try new positions that take pressure off certain joints or require less flexibility. Don’t feel you have to over perform to impress if it causes you pain. When you’re not relaxed and enjoying it, your partner will sense your pain and therefore not benefit from your gymnastics anyway!

If dexterity and pain is an issue, using toys on yourself or your partner may take the strain from you doing so much. Let the toy do some of the work! (This article on sex toys for those with dexterity issues may help.)

Preparation

Taking painkillers 30—60 minutes before you’re going to get down to it, may relieve some stiffness and pain.  The next day, take painkillers to manage the potential flare up after your activity.  Keep on top of it so your mind doesn’t always associate sex with pain.  This may help keep you relaxed for the future too. Pain might be inevitable but if you pre-empt it, or fear it, the tension will only make it worse.

Warm/hot showers

Shower solo or together to soothe the body’s aches and pains. Massage can relax those muscles, ease joint pain, enliven nerve endings and be bonding for both of you.  Even if you don’t take it any further.

a shower with water coming out - Sex, Chronic Pain and Fatigue

Timings

When are you most fatigued and most in pain? Try and plan your sexy time to optimise your experience, based on when is best for you.

Reassurance

Either from a clinician or yourself to your partner that they won’t make you worse (let’s say a heart condition where they fear sexual activity might be too much for you).

Don’t just focus on intercourse!

Find other ways to be intimate. Dance together, shower or bath together. Cuddle up, stroke each other or massage. Take time out for romance – candles, putting down your phones and actually looking at each other, sharing feelings and talking. This can all build intimacy and connection, without you paying the price for a having a bit of nookie and enduring pain for a few days.  If penetration is likely to cause horrid UTI’s, then these options are great for avoiding that, when you just can’t tolerate another course of antibiotics!

I hope that helps. Access the free resource on Sex, Chronic Pain and Fatigue via our Undressing Disability Hub. It’s free to join and free to download a wide range of valuable resources.

All the best,

Zoe x

Stay Connected

Join the online conversation by following us on twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability 

 

 

Next question
May 19
A graphic of a dark haired man and woman in bed together sleeping

Virginity, Sex, Disability and Safety.

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Hello,

I tripped upon your organization while looking up sex and cerebral palsy on YouTube. I’m writing to you about losing my virginity, sex, disability and safety.

I am 51 years old, spastic quadriplegic born with cerebral palsy and use a power wheelchair for mobility. I’ve had a couple crushes when I was a teenager and in college but that was it. My parents never talked to me about sex other than the most basic education of how one becomes pregnant and the high school sex Ed.

I would like to experience sex before I die, but I also don’t believe in sex unless I am in a long-term relationship. I have been struggling for many years with several health challenges that have made my cerebral palsy worse and left me with unmanaged chronic pain. Due to my multiple health challenges and many family issues I do not have the ability or interest to go out to bars. I am also scared about my safety in dating a man. For example what do I do if I want to have a little privacy to be intimate but due to disability you can’t get away if it becomes more than you want and the other person doesn’t respect that. What do you do?

I’m really embarrassed to email you this but thankful that there is this platform. I feel like a freak!

G x

 

Our Answer

Hi G,

It took great courage for you to write into us and I’m so glad you reached out. I can feel your predicament here in being caught up in a bit of a moral dilemma. Also, you have some big practical issues which are making it more difficult for you.

It would be useful to know more about your family issues which you say are urgent and making it less likely for you to go out. Understanding this, I may be able to see how you could overcome this. Also, if you have any carer that works with you. As they may be able to facilitate you getting out socially and also make you feel safer if meeting someone.

Hearing your concerns, it seems to me that it comes down to a choice of what is your biggest priority now. Is it about losing your virginity? Or is it doing the act within a long-term relationship or marriage?

Currently, with the situation as you describe, it sounds like it will be difficult for you to be getting out and meeting someone. This can take a lot of  effort at the best of times, so with your family difficulties, meeting the right person could take even longer.  Are you willing to wait quite a while longer to lose your virginity within a loving relationship?

If you don’t want to wait, there’s the option of seeking out a sexual encounter, perhaps not in a relationship. This is where it would completely depend on how you feel going against your current beliefs about the parameters within which a sexual relationship should be conducted.  And if you feel you would be comfortable undertaking such an experience.

a graphic of a mobile phone with a person and lovehearts in white and the background is pink

In the UK a charity called TLC have sex workers who work with disabled clients. Exactly for the reasons you say. They guarantee safety and can offer a ‘boyfriend/girlfriend experience’ too. Here is the link to their website. https://tlc-trust.org.uk/

It may be that you could take it slow and steady rather than going full steam ahead on the first time.  There is a cost to this service and it’s quite expensive but the workers are trustworthy and experienced in working with disabled clients.

If this isn’t a consideration for you, maybe try internet dating to try and engage with someone, building a rapport before taking it further. Again, if you have a friend or a carer you can trust, they could go out with you the first time you meet your date. You mention your fear around someone wanting to go further than you want, and how do you stay safe. You’re right, we are more vulnerable as disabled daters and have to think of more options to keep safe.  I would suggest a friend or carer being in the same location as you, but not sitting near you to allow you some privacy and normality for you and your date. If you needed help,  your friend can keep an eye on things and it would be easy to catch their attention. They can then ‘rescue’ you from any awkward situation.

With internet dating there’s another dilemma we all face. Do we declare our disability openly and attract those who are open to dating someone disabled? Or don’t declare it, attract more people, get talking to some people first, then drop the disabled bomb?!

The world of dating and disability can be a minefield. But it can also be fun. Losing your virginity is an important human right and feeling stopped from doing so is deeply frustrating.  Ultimately, it’s your choice with how you wish to go about it.  I just hope your current living situation allows you to make a free choice. It is your body and your life after all. Do what feels right for you.

Best regards,

Zoe

Keep up to date with all Love Lounge chat and our campaigns by connecting with us on twitter @ETUKUndressing or on Instagram @UndressingDisability  

If you’d like to get our experts advice with your own dilemma feel free to get in touch. 

 

Next question
Mar 10
Different Sexual Tests - a bed with handcuffs and a vanilla ice-cream

Different Sexual Needs

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

My partner and I have different sexual needs. We are both disabled and before getting together had limited sexual experiences. We’ve been together for almost a year and are very open with each other and comfortable in our own skins. It’s fair to say we really love each other and want this relationship to last. The problem is that there’s one thing in particular that really excites her, and it is a complete turn off for me. I have attempted to go along with it, but she knows I’m not into it and it ruins the moment and causes an argument.

It’s becoming an issue and our sex life is suffering. How do we get over this?

Thanks,

Billy

(Billy’s name has been changed and he recieved a private response prior to this Q&A being published.)

Our Answer

 

Hi Billy,

It sounds like you have a strong, happy relationship despite your different sexual needs. I’m encouraged that you’re very open and comfortable with each other. This will hopefully set you in good stead for resolving this issue.

Sexual compatibility is about the shared feelings that you and your partner have about your needs, desires, wants and beliefs around sex.

What To Do When You Have Different Sexual Needs

Ultimately, you and your partner will have to discuss how far each of you are willing to compromise. This will involve very honest, open, frank discussions. And lots of trial and error. It is vital that each of you always feel respected and gives consent.
If you can work together towards a shared goal, this will help. Set some targets, keep giving feedback about how you’re feeling. It needs to be something that you both are keen to achieve, not something that will make you feel under more pressure. Currently it sounds like you’ve tried to fulfil her need but she isn’t enjoying the fact that you’re not enjoying it. That’s a good indicator that you want your love-making to be enjoyable for both of you and your partner isn’t being selfish about her needs.

The Dangers of Forcing The Issue

With different sexual needs, sometimes one person might think that if the couple tries a particular act many times, the other person will get used to it and enjoy it. This isn’t always the case. Doing this can cause trauma and irreversible damage.

So, the compromise, or solution, that you find together will be whatever you BOTH find acceptable, and perhaps fulfilling for both too. No one should be forced to do something they don’t want to and equally if someone is constantly sacrificing what they’d really want to do, it will build up huge resentment.

What If We Can’t Resolve It?

The key is to recognise that both of your feelings count. When in a relationship with another, your partner’s feelings are just as important as yours. By working within this frame, you will have mutual respect and are more likely to share your honest feelings with each other knowing they will be safe and valued. If your opinion of something differs, that’s ok, but to dismiss the other person’s opinion or feelings as not mattering, then begins a problem which will just push you further apart.

Ignoring the disparity between two people’s sexual tastes will never work. The problem will become bigger and impact on other areas of the relationship. If you are unable to find a mutual compromise, then therapy will help to repair resentments. It will offer a safe space for you both to share your feelings and concerns, without shame, accusation, or guilt. The therapist will facilitate each partner to be heard and will notice patterns and hidden meaning in what you’re both saying. (Learn more about what sexual therapy involves in this episode of Undressing Disability Podcast.)

How sexually different are you?

If it seems impossible to find compromise or your tastes are far too different, it may be time to call an end to a relationship. If you are both unable to satisfy each other, is it fair to stay in a relationship full of resentment, frustration, and angst?

If your different sexual needs were a matter of frequency, and you’re near the desired target of your partner, then compromise would probably be easy to achieve. However, if your partner is into kink and you’re into vanilla and neither are wanting to compromise by doing a bit of both, then it will be much harder to make it work.

Both could set each other free to find a partner whose sexual tastes are more compatible. And therefore, you may be more fulfilled in a different relationship that matches your needs. This wouldn’t be an easy choice and would be the last resort, but sometimes the gap is just too vast.

With your desire to stay together and your openness and love you have for each other; I feel you will manage to have the important talks. Respect for each other will be key here.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a compromise!

Zoe

 

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Mar 10
My partner hates my vibrator - red and black lacy knickers with a black vibrator positioned on the top

Partner Hates My Vibrator

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi Love Lounge,

My partner hates my vibrator and well, I love it and don’t wanna to give it up. I also don’t wanna give up my boyfriend as he’s kind and funny and genuinely a good guy. I have limited mobility in my fingers and have always used vibrators, they hit the spot every time.

I’d never really mentioned it to my boyfriend, but he found one in the bedside drawer and was very annoyed about it. He says I shouldn’t need it now that I’ve got him and stropped off in the huff.  He’s usually pretty laid back, so I laughed thinking he was joking but no, deadly serious.

He isn’t a talker and I’m struggling to understand the issue here or how to approach it with him. Can you help me out?

Thanks, Lisa

(Names have been changed for anonymity and we send a private answer prior to publishing here on the blog.)

Our Answer

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for getting in touch with us. First up, you are definitely not alone! ‘My partner hates my vibrator’ are words we hear regularly at the Love Lounge.

The main reason for this is that a partner can feel inadequate or jealous if you are able to orgasm with a toy easier than you can with them. They might think that you prefer the toy to them. The size of vibrator you use could also make them feel self-conscious about how they physically compare.

The first thing I would suggest is to try and talk to your partner about it. Explain why you like using a vibrator but reassure him that it is not a replacement for him. Explain that you use a vibrator because of your mobility issues and that it makes masturbation easier and more pleasurable.

The next step then could be to introduce sex toys when you are having sex. For example using your vibrator whilst your partner watches. The other option is to invite your partner to use it on you which may help him feel more involved and less threatened by it.

Couples Toys

You could also try a couples’ toy. Here are a few examples of products that you could use together.

The Hot Octopuss Atom Cock Ring is very powerful cock ring and enhances pleasure for both partners.

The Satisfyer Double Joy is a great product that can be used whilst having sex. It can also be used for Solo Play with your partner controlling it using a Smart Phone App.

You could also buy him his own Sex Toy that he can either use on his own or you could use on him.

A good product to start with would be the Tenga Egg Masturbator. The super stretch material gives the user a different sensation when masturbating. There is a wide range of different textures available but this one has little hearts embossed on it.

Another product is the Fleshlight Stamina Unit which is a great Sex Toy for someone with a penis.

Stay Connected.

If you have a dating dilemma or question that relates to sex and disability get in touch. Follow us on twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability. You can also join our Undressing Disability Hub for free. It’s a friendly network of experts, researchers and people who have an interest in learning more about sex and disability. There’s free resources to download too.

 

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Mar 10
A woman with a disabled partner - she has brown curly hair leans down and puts her arms around a blonde man in a black top, they look lovingly at each other and smile

Family Reaction To My Relationship with a Disabled Guy

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I need your advice on my family’s reaction to my relationship with a disabled guy. My parents have met my partner numerous times over the past year, and we all get along well. Last month we moved in together and plan to get married. My Dad has suddenly gone a bit weird about it all, asking questions like “Who will put up shelves for you, and who will cut the grass? I’ve pointed out that its not 1950 and that I can put up shelves and cut the grass but he’s still going on about it.

My partner knows there’s something upsetting me but I haven’t told him about my Dad’s comments yet. I’m not quite sure how to handle that conversation as he loves my folks. It’s really upsetting that my Dad is being off when it should be a happy time for us. Help please!

Ellen x

Our Answer

Hi Ellen,

Thanks for opening up about this scenario. I think it is more common than you may think, although that doesn’t make it feel any easier for you!
Being in a relationship with a disabled partner can indeed bring practical problems. But there are invariably solutions to most of them. Your parents naturally want their daughter to be looked after well but your Dad is focussing on what your partner can’t do!

The generations before us had their jobs clearly divided into ‘blue and pink’ jobs. Many of us now subscribe to that notion less and less. Perhaps your Dad’s perception is that to be the ‘man of the house’ you have to put up shelves and mow the lawn. This is how he felt he supported the family and looked after his girls. Doing these blue jobs validated him as a husband and father.

I wonder if it might be worth a chat with him about this way of thinking – as this isn’t necessarily dependent on your partners disability. You could have a non-disabled partner who is useless at putting up shelves!

I would also consider mentioning this to your Dad – what would happen if you married a non-disabled person and then they became a wheelchair user? You would naturally have to adapt to a new way of life as he may no longer be able to do these tasks. I doubt your Dad would encourage you to leave them because they can no longer mow a lawn.

It sounds like your Dad is a little fearful of the future and has gone into fatherly protective mode.
A simple, adult to adult chat to reassure him may be all he needs.

I think not getting angry or defensive will help you. It appears this is really coming from a place of concern from your Dad rather than a place of mean prejudice. A gentle talk, with confidence and assertion from yourself about how you will manage the household and the relationship as a whole, will allay his fears. It’s encouraging that he gets on well with your partner and has known him for a year. Your Dad will have seen the lovely attributes of your boyfriend; those you’ve fallen in love with. Hence why being in a relationship with a disabled partner doesn’t bother you, as it is about much more than practicalities of a disability.

It’s great that your partner really likes your parents, and I can understand why you may not want to disclose your Dad’s comments.  It could hurt your partner and emasculate him perhaps.  Or conversely, he may totally empathise with your Dad and be willing to talk to him to reassure him.  He may express how he contributes to the partnership and what that looks like to him.  His dedication, emotional support, commitment, love – all more important than him making Wimbledon-quality lawns!

And hey, if it’s such an issue, or your partner fancies mowing – he could always get hoisted up on to a ride-on one 😉

Good luck with the chats.  I have every confidence this can be easily sorted with a bit of empathy and compassion from both sides!

Zoe x

Stay Connected

Got a question for our Love Lounge team? Please contact us and we’ll do our best to help. Follow us on twitter and Instagram to keep up to date with all our goings on. Join our Undressing Disability Hub to learn more about sex and disability and to access free resources. #UndressingDisability #LoveLoungeUK

 

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