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Jun 21

Lovers In A Care Home (by Anne Taylor)

By Lifestyle, Undressing Disability One Comment

Whilst living at Arnold House, Leonard Cheshire Home, I became engaged to another Service User called Robert.

Obviously we were both disabled using wheelchairs but we wanted to be like other couples and have a good relationship involving sexual play. This proved harder than you think because we couldn’t have time together during the day as everyone was around and so couldn’t do anything. Therefore the only time we could be together was when I was in bed and and wait for Rob to come in. We couldn’t do anything until the drinks came in though, as it could have been awkward.

On one occasion we were playing and a carer didn’t knock on the door and just burst in, this made us both feel embarrassed and it just put us off doing anything. After that incident we found a way by asking the carers not to come into the room until 11pm when Rob went back to his room.

I wished we could have had more chances to play but alas it was not practical. What we did together was lovely and it made me feel like a normal couple really in love with each other and clearly sexually active.  This is not true of all homes but I feel if people are in love they should be helped to lead a proper friendship without any problems or embarrassments.

May 20

Inclusive and Exclusive Dating (by Drew Clark)

By Lifestyle, The Love Lounge One Comment

Inclusive and Exclusive Dating

I have never really been the type of person who has been into the whole “one night stand” or “hook-up” fling relationships. I have always looked for something more substantial and long-term in a relationship. Though admittedly I am single now after a 2 year relationship with an able-bodied woman. This is not to say that she has not had her own physical medical problems but without going into what these issues have been for her, I would not classify this person as “disabled”.

When I started to become interested in dating from a young age, about 12 or 13, I treated finding someone who was able-bodied to be with as if it were some kind of silly Holy Grail of dating for someone like myself who has a physical disability and is a wheelchair user. This was always a secret thought or attitude I had up until I reached college/university age even though before that point I had been dating within the disabled community with what I would call somewhat successful. A few months here, six months there, and even one relationship which lasted on and off for about six years from grade seven all the way up until when I started college with a beautiful girl, now a woman who just so happens to have Spina Bifida like I do. However, I did have a few major crushes in high school on girls who were able-bodied, especially when I had periods of singleness…. or what some women in the disabled community whom I have dated may call “moments of being an asshole”. Though when it came to having an attraction to someone who was able-bodied in high school, of course there was nervousness around certain people but I always tried to remain neutral friends with them until I had the opportunity to express to them how I felt. More often than not when I would approach an able-bodied girl and tell them how I felt, the response I would always get was “you’re jus too good of a friend” which in my head said loud and clear “you’re a very nice guy, but I wouldn’t date a cripple”. Of course it could have been very little to do with my disability and indeed they just did not want to ruin a friendship but that did not stop me from taking it so personally.

I even remember having fancied an able-bodied girl who was about a year and a half younger than myself when I was in grade 11 and one day I went out to the front of the school during my lunch break to have a cigarette as I normally did. It was a pretty nice spring day and I spotted a group of girls I had sometimes hung around with who were also just hanging out having a smoke. In this group happened to be the one girl I had a crush on, so naturally I wanted to hang out with her. I think at that time, it was probably known to her through other people that I fancied her just a little bit and after a while I had turned my back to talk to another group of people in front of the school who were behind me and this girl called my name to get my attention. She got up from the sidewalk, walked over and kissed me and then walked back to where she was sitting and started to giggle and laugh with all her friends. I was shocked because in my head the thought still was that there would be no way she would be interested in someone like me, so why bother pursuing such things?. Turns out, one of her friends had dared her to get my attention and walk up and kiss me. There was no feeling, only fake flirtation in that act for and all I could think after I found this out was: What a bitch!

When it comes to choosing to date within your own community, that is, the disabled community, social programming is extremely important. Often times it is hard for an individual with a disability to connect with someone in a similar situation to themselves within their community at large without these programs. Whether it be monthly social nights, dances or even summer camps, these programs are an integral part of social and relationship building within these communities. I can tell you though that without programs like this, personally I would not have had the opportunity to form the friendships and intimate relationships I have had over the years. One thing that really gets to me though is the attitude of some able-bodied professionals who run these programs whom discourage any form of romantic relationship and physical affection within these programs. Particularly within the 14-19 age group. Now I understand that it is only ethical to not want teenagers hopping out of their wheelchairs and other mobility devices in order to shag on the floor but to give a teenager grief for sharing a passionate kiss, cuddling, or holding hands in plain view of program coordinators and staff in the name of ethical appropriateness…. get real. They are teenagers, let them be. As long as no one is shagging on the floor or getting pregnant and are in plain view of everyone else. Let them be. I even had one summer camp experience with a girl who was a few years older than myself.. I was about 14 at the time and she thought I was significantly older than I was but she took a liking to me anyway… let’s just say we paid no mind to the “rules” or to being told not to make out under an outdoor pavilion at the camp in front of a great deal of other campers of the same age group and staff members. It’s not the most “appropriate” thing, but damn was it ever fun! So, note to program providers and coordinators of social events for teenagers with disabilities; as long as two people aren’t being left completely alone, as long as they are not sprawled out on the floor shagging or removing clothing in public.. just let them be. To do otherwise is to discourage the development of healthy romantic relationships.

As I got into my early 20′s I became more familiar with the world of online dating. This is simply because at that time, I was in college and finally had my own computer access in my dorm room at school. Which I never had access to growing up at home. I thought of this as a way to find either someone else with a disability to date or maybe even someone who was not disabled at all. Online dating is a challenge in and of itself though, because at the starting point when it comes to finding someone who doesn’t have a disability to potentially have a romantic connection with, the question becomes; When do I tell those people about my disability and everything that comes along with it?. Personally, I take the up front approach and either put this information directly into a member profile or to wait until you make a connection with someone. The best thing anybody can do is to be up front and honest about every aspect of a disability and then allow the other person to ask any and every question that they may have about it. Online dating allows for the other person to focus upon a person’s personality rather than the disability they have but at the same time if a person cannot accept any aspect of a disability then really, they are not worth the time nor the effort to change their minds about it. One aspect of online dating which can be quite difficult for anyone, but especially for someone with a physical disability is if you happen to be attracted to someone who lives quite a distance from where you live. It is absolutely helpful though if there is family support on one or both sides of the relationship because then perhaps those family members would be able to help two people see each other often. It’s a hard road though, I won’t lie and sometimes because of distance and even a lack of daily face to face communication can lead to the demise of a relationship. Truth be told, online dating may be difficult, especially if there is distance involved but don’t knock it until you try it. You might be surprised in who you could find. Just be very very careful when you approach this route though. Make sure that who you are speaking to is actually telling the truth in who they are and be safe when you first meet anybody from an online dating site. Always meet in a public place first or at the very least make sure they have a webcam so you can have face to face conversations before you meet in person.

It is noteworthy outside of my own perspective to mention that for those with more severe physical disabilities which impair movement much more, that for some, finding a partner who is able-bodied is important. The reason this is in my opinion is because sometimes it may be nicer to have someone whom you are in an intimate relationship with to be able to help with things like showering. C’mon, who doesn’t like shower sex, right ? Or perhaps because there are very, very small things that would be made easier when you have an able-bodied partner. Cleaning up around the house for example. It is most important to say though that most people with disabilities when they date someone who is not disabled, do not want their partners to be seen as “personal assistants” or “aides” because quite frankly that cheapens the romantic relationship. When you see a couple in public on a date and one happens to be disabled, and one is not, please do not assume that the able-bodied person is the others personal assistant. This is completely undermining and quite hurtful to at least one person in that relationship. Also, please scrap the idea of “oh, isn’t that nice that you are dating someone with a disability”. Patronizing? yes, very much so.

The choice is yours really, whether you date someone with or without a disability. I ask that the able-bodied population keep an open mind, learn all you can about an individuals disability. It does not define them, nor me, it only adds to their unique qualities. See passed what is skin deep. For those of us with various disabilities, I only have thing left to say on this matter. Do not be afraid to go safely out of your comfort zone. The absolute worst thing a person could say is “no”. If that is the case then you are probably better off in finding someone else and trust me, you will. Until next time, folks.

May 17
Mik Scarlet

Sex tips for crips part 1, by Mik Scarlet

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Are you all sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin…

Mik Scarlet

Mik Scarlet

Since watching the Desirability series on BBC3 the topic of disability and sexuality has been foremost in my mind. I feel the main reason why so many of the programs on this topic seem to miss the mark in my opinion is because they tend to be made from the angle of those who have problems with body image and not body function. While it is hard to look in the mirror and see someone who could be loved if your body is different, it is even harder if your body can’t do the things that society says it needs to actually make love. It doesn’t matter how well adjusted you are about the way you look, if you are filled with doubt over your physical performance.

So I have decided to do an article/a series of articles on how I learnt to deal with a body that didn’t work the way it should in the trouser department. I hope you lot are ready for this because after you’ve read this, your lives are never going to be the same again…

One of the most important things about coming to terms with your sexuality as a disabled person is learning to understand the way that your body is different from all the able bodied people out there, and exactly what your body can, and more importantly, can’t do. Once you’ve admitted this to yourself and accepted it, you can start to rebuild your sexuality.

I myself had to go through this process twice in my life. The first time took me a good few years. You see when I went into my wheelchair, back when I was only 15, I hadn’t had much experience with sex and so believed all the myths that the able bodied world threw at me. When it became plain to me that not only had my spinal injury taken out my legs but it had also made it impossible to achieve an erection, I believed I would spend my life alone. Luckily, this was during the early 80’s, when young people were fiercely political and I fell in with a group of lesbian feminists. They thought I was the perfect man, one who could not commit the act of penetration, which they saw as rape. OK, these attitudes are pretty extreme, but it let me see that not all women want sex to be around a big hard dick. I even ended up dating one of them for two and half years! The second was just after my most recent operation, when I discovered I had lost the feeling to even more of my body. This time it took much less time, so I know this works, and can work quickly when you know what you’re doing.

So once I had realised that sexuality could be so many different things I set about making sure that I was going to be the best shag ever. I read loads of books and gained a wide knowledge of able-bodied sexual technique. I adapted some of their techniques to fit with my body and this is what I am going to impart to you all. The first tip is great for both sexes, no matter what your disability. I call it…

Hands Free Masturbation

Once you master this technique, you will be able to orgasm at will, whether or not you have full sensation in your body. The key to Hands Free Masturbation is a filthy imagination. To achieve an orgasm without touching yourself you must explore a fantasy world in your head. The most important thing to understand is that you must feel no guilt at all. It doesn’t matter what goes on in your mind, as long as it floats your boat. If you need to read dirty books or mags, or watch porn films, fine. Just conjure up in your mind the best sexual fantasy possible to you, and then run with it.

The whole technique is actually quite simple. Just lie on your bed (or sit in your chair – which can be fun if you’re bored when out shopping!) and imagine yourself having sex. Not just sex, but the best sex imaginable, with your favourite fantasy partner (or partners) and just don’t stop. Keep building on the fantasy and make it as intricate as you want, as kinky as you want and as a long as you need. Go wild and be as filthy as you like. Eventually, and it may takes a good few goes, you will get there.

OK it will be quite frustrating at first, but as you continue to try and get yourself to orgasm you will notice that you start feeling a tension in your chest. This is the start of an orgasm. Most able-bodied people think it starts in their groin, but this is just them tensing up using their muscles, and because that is where their stimulation is coming from. Orgasms actually start in your head but then quickly move to your lower neck and upper chest. Keep that fantasy going, and even pick up the pace in your head. Really get down and dirty. Then the orgasm will start to flow through your body. If you can’t feel some parts of your body two things may happen. Either the orgasm will locate where your feeling ends, and that will be your new “groin”, or it will travel down to your groin and you may feel sensation there for the first time. Well not exactly sensation, but whatever it is… it’s very nice!

It does sound impossible, but the best sex organ the human body has is our imaginations, and this is how you can tap into yours. It really does work, and will mean that not only have you learnt that you can orgasm, but that you are now able to climax at will. All you have to do when having sex is think unsexy thoughts when you want to wait and conjure up your Hands Free Masturbation fantasy when it’s time to pop your load.

The best thing is this also works for the able bodied, but I say we keep it as our little secret!

Next time I’m going to go through what can be done once you’ve mastered this technique, so start your practising now!

Sep 24
Paul Nicol standing next to the Mayor of Reading

Paul’s Blog – What a day!

By Lifestyle, My story No Comments

Hello blog readers. I am detracting from my usual blog spot this week, I wanted to share my day with you. Tuesday 18th September was pretty eventful for me and iCAN Experiences. You may recall me mentioning something about Reading Association for the Blind around 6 weeks ago.

Well after some postponing and rescheduling, I had been lined up to visit Reading Association for the Blind as a guest speaker on their open day. I set out on my journey at 08:45 catching a Taxi to the train station. The taxi was typically 5 minutes late, but we made it in good time for the train! At my change over point, I was informed that my connecting train had been delayed by 10 mins. “stay cool Rodney” I thought to myself. Thankfully the train was only 10 minutes late and I had planned in my usual 30 minutes of slack into a public transport journey, so no worries….much!

I arrived at Reading Association for the Blind at 10:30 and the Mayor of Reading along with Rob Wilson MP were due to turn up any minute in order to cut the tape on a brand spanking new Mini-
bus! I was given a cup of tea, made comfortable in an office whilst people hustled and bustled around me! I met a number of fantastic people from the Association, those that run it and members too. When I wasn’t talking to someone, I was running through my head what I was going to say as a guest speaker! Nervous? Me? Quite!

Then the ribbon on the bus was cut, pictures taken and I was guided into the main room where The Mayor of Reading made a short speech, then Rob Wilson MP. Then it was my turn, “Paul Nicol, founder of
iCAN Experiences and our guest speaker today”. I was handed the microphone and it was over to me! “Um, where do I start?” I asked “Stay cool Rodney!” It took me maybe 4-5 seconds to
actually engage brain and mouth at the same time and I began to talk! Of course, I had a rough idea of what I was going to say, but I had no notes, no way to read notes, so it was pretty much ad-lib!
On the whole, I kep the speech relatively quick, I had the Mayor of Reading at my side, so didn’t want to make her yawn, so I rattled through what I had to say. As I was nearing the end of my little talk, I completely lost my train of thought, not sure if it was excitement at coming to the end or nerves, but I stood there for 5 seconds looking blankly trying to recall what I was going to say! Then I stumbled for a few more seconds as I talked myself towards the end of my speech. I finished using the line “If life deals you Lemons, make Lemonade!”

It was over, the crowd chuckled and clapped as did the Mayor! Success! I then took the opportunity to talk to the Mayor before she was ushered off to talk to someone else. I then took the opportunity to talk to some of the members of Reading Association for the Blind. After about 30 mins of chatting and hob knobbing, I was on my way. It was 12:15 and I had a train to catch at 12:30 from Reading Station.

I was on a tight schedule to get to BBC Broadcasting house by 13:30! I got to Paddington station at 13:10 and was greeted by a member of staff with one of those beeping buggies that I personally hate, although the more I use them, the better they become! “Put your foot down drive, I’ve got to be at the BBC in 20 minutes!” I proffered. Give the man his due, he beeped the horn and I am sure we were going at top speed for the beeping buggy.

I hopped into a black cab, told the cabby where I needed to go along with the subtle hint “I need to be there by 13:30”, the driver proceeded to tell me that earlier that day it had taken 35 minutes! I had 15! I called the Beeb and told them I was on my way.

The driver got me there at around 13:32, fair play to black cab drivers, I shook the man’s hand and hopped out. I was greeted by a nice chap called James who got me signed in and it was his sole job to help people with disabilities within the BBC, I was impressed! The purpose of my visit was to appear on the BBC Radio 4 In Touch program which is a program covering topics and issues for visually impaired people.

I arrived and met Lee Kumutat, the producer of the show “How are you Paul? Feeling harassed?” “ever so slightly” was my response. I could breathe a sigh of relief that I had made it. We were straight into the studio and I was introduced to the other guests on the show, Steph Cutler and Wai-Man Leung. Steph is a personal development and training consultant who is visually impaired with a business called “Making Lemonade”, guess where I got my closing line for my Reading Association for the Blind speech. Wai-Man works for Action for Blind People and someone that had helped me in the early days of my Business Planning.

We recorded the show which would air in the evening at 20:40 and after taking a picture or 2, I was off in a Taxi to return home. I arrived home at just after 17:00 having not eaten anything but a Snickers. I was starving and pleased with the day’s work!

Please do share this with your friends, family and whomever else you think may be interested. Remember to follow us on Twitter @icanexperiences and become a fan on facebook at www.facebook.com/icanexperiences.

Sep 12
Paul Nicol at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro

Paul’s Blog – A small scuffle to get Access to Work!

By Lifestyle, My story No Comments

A quick recap on where we are. So far in my business start-up, I have contacted 3 experience operators, incorporated iCAN experiences LTd, setup a business bank account, signed up an accountant and set the wheels in motion for the website development.

These were the foundations for the business, there was still plenty to do, but this was the bread and butter. When I signed up my Web Developer, we had set a go live date as the 31st May, on hindsight, this wasn’t the best date to pick as in the run up to this date, I had booked a family holiday! As a result, the launch did in fact get delayed by 2 weeks, it was worth waiting for and taking that little longer to ensure that the site was absolutely right!

Over the next 2 months, I had a number of tasks to complete, I had to identify, contact, meet and write up my target of 25 activities. This was going to be the starting point for iCAN experiences, I knew that there were so many experiences and locations that I wanted to get onboard, but as with any business, you can’t enter the market as a fully fledged gift experience provider, you have to start as we did, with a targeted number of experiences in a specific geographical location and then build on this over time.

I included as part of the business plan a growth target and the aim is to offer 40 experiences nationwide by the end of our 2nd year of trading. It’s a tall order, but one I think is achievable if we continue at the current rate adding a new location or new experience every other week!

As someone with a disability, I have access to a government scheme called “Access to work”. The scheme is designed to help businesses with the additional costs that they may be subjected to should they employ someone with a disability. In my case, I need screen reading software to use a computer, this costs around £750. In addition to this, I need a scanner and some software so that I can scan and read printed text such as letters or printed documents. Finally, if your place of work is not located somewhere accessible via public transport, there may be a need for a taxi. Now, some employers may be happy to swallow the costs for this, but equally, some may not. The idea is that the scheme puts me as someone with a disability on an equal playing field as someone without a disability, thus reducing the possibility of potential employers thinking that it is going to cost them more money to employ me given my disability as opposed to some without a disability.

So, as I was starting my own business, I was having to travel to various locations around the country, meeting operators and viewing locations. It was clear that to do this, I was going to need to use a mixture of taxi’s and public transport. I reasoned that if I wasn’t blind that I would simply hop in a car and drive to said location, on that basis, my disability was leaving me at a disadvantage, I was having to pay for public transport and then a taxi to get me to my final destination. This was far more expensive than driving a car!

I got in touch with Access to work, “sorry, we don’t help with business start-up costs” was their initial response. I spent about an hour on the phone to the consultant, making my point, this wasn’t a “Start-up cost” per say, my point was that if I owned my own car, I would fully expect to have to pay for my fuel, tax, insurance etc in order to fulfil these meetings. It took a little persuasion, but eventually we agreed that I would cover the cost of the public transport and 25p for every mile travelled in a taxi, Access to work would then cover the remaining cost of the taxi journeys. This was fantastic news, Access to work didn’t seem to keen initially as the business wasn’t bringing in any money and nor did we have any contracts committing to purchase anything from us, as such, they were reticent to funding my travel. The moral of this story is that Access to Work can and will provide funding if your claim is genuine and your point is valid.

Once I had this funding in place, I was able to start contacting other experience operators to arrange meetings etc. I applied the same logic as per my original 3 operators, I was tackling the next 3 smallest continuing to learn, but able to talk knowledgably about my business and the
industry.

As part of signing up these experience operators, I have been incredibly lucky, I have taken part in a number of different experiences myself including an Aerobatic Flight in a PITTS Biplane with Alan Cassidy, a 160ft Bungee Jump, a High Speed ride in a Ferrari, White Water Rafting and probably most memorably, riding pillion on the back of a superbike with Ron Haslam taking me around Silverstone! I’ll tell you more about The superbike journey next week!

All of this sounds like fun and if I’m honest, it was! My wife has been incredibly supportive, as she goes off to work everyday and I’m off gallivanting around the country side! However, it’s not all fun, fun, fun, I have to work incredibly long hours, and most evenings are spent working on my computer and I often have to visit operators at the weekends. One thing is for sure, I love my job, its great being your own boss and it’s even better knowing that iCAN experiences is helping others to enjoy their life no matter what!

Please do share this with your friends, family and whomever else you think may be interested. Remember to follow us on Twitter @icanexperiences and become a fan on facebook at www.facebook.com/icanexperiences.

Sep 02
Paul Nicol Tandem Skydiving

Paul’s Blog – Part way there!

By My story No Comments

Hello Blog readers, if you are reading this, it is quite likely that you are enterting into my blog and story, half way through. Should you wish to read previous blogs of mine, please visit my blog on the iCAN experiences website at www.icanexperiences.co.uk/news.

Right, I had to look back at my blog posts to recall where exactly I left things some 3 weeks ago before I started blogging about my Mount Kilimanjaro climb. Before I embarked on the Kilimanjaro climb I had incorporated the business and was looking for experience operators to work with iCAN experiences. I did however forget to mention my Website Development saga….

Back in January 2012, I had done some research and made contact with a number of website developers to try and find a suitable provider for my project. I had put a lot of work into my website brief, being clear on exactly what I wanted, with a particular focus on usability, accessibility and a clean professional look. The accessibility was of particular importance for the “Back end” of the website to ensure that as a user of “JAWS” screen reader, I would be able to manage the content of the website on an ongoing basis. You’d be surprised how many “off the shelf” systems are not accessible to screen readers (Or maybe you wouldn’t!).

Anyhow, I was looking for a developer local to me that could give me what I needed within a budget that I could afford. After many discussions with many providers, I managed to find such a supplier. It was a small outfit and I had a number of meetings with them to get clarity on exactly what was required etc. Then about a week before I was due to leave for Kilimanjaro, it came to signing a contract so that the developer could get started on the work. I read through the contract and found that I had a number of queries on specific points that I felt were unclear or not acceptable to me. I had a conversation with my contact at the company and she informed me that she would need to discuss it with the developer before sending through any amendments, “Okay, no problem” was my response.

The next day I received an email from my contact pulling out of the project with no explanation, just a “We feel it’s best if we go our own separate ways” kind of message. I was astounded by this response! I tried to call and email on a number of occasions throughout the day to understand why, I suggested in voicemails and emails that we can talk and find a way forward, but absolutely no response. At the time, I was fuming, whilst it is absolutely understandable that someone may wish to pull out of a deal, to do so over an email with not even a sensible, adult conversation left me fuming! It was no way to do business, completely unprofessional! Needless to say, I got over it..

On my return from Kili, my priority was to find a new website developer! Now, I am very much a believer that “Everything happens for a reason”, I have had house sales fall through, despite having lost money, I look back on it and think “thank heavens that it did fall through”, I wouldn’t be living in the house I am now, in an area that I am pleased with and with some great neighbours!

So, when I look back at my developer falling through, I think thank heavens! The website development company I have on board now immediately knew what I was after, gave me complete confidence and assurance that everything I wanted could be done without any fuss. The price was right, all be it more expensive than the original developer, but the results I hope you agree are fantastic! I assure you that this is no plug that I write under duress, it is my own personal opinion, I couldn’t recommend Direct Media Design enough.

So, once I had my website developer secured, I was free to concentrate on all the other things. My approach to this was to create what originally seemed like a ridiculously long task list, it had nearly 100 items on it! I then began to prioritise these items and tackle them one at a time. The biggest issue I had was learning about how the industry worked, I had a vague idea of the basic principal, but didn’t know the finer details. So, I carefully selected my first 3 experience operators, looking for the smaller independent operators local to me that I thought would be most amenable to me and what I was trying to achieve.

I was amazed to find that the first three experience operators were all onboard with the idea of iCAN experiences and by the time I had met with all 3 of them, I had a good idea of how the industry worked. This stood me in good stead for any future discussions, I was able to talk to experience operators with confidence, this is an essential part of business, needing to be confident in your idea and the industry, after all, who wants to do business with someone that comes across
as not knowing what they’re talking about?

There were so many other things that I needed to do, creating a logo, seeking legal advice, finding an accountant etc. Next week I will tell you about my mini saga finding a suitable business bank, but I’ll leave you with the advice that my accountant gave me “Treat all banks like theives and you should be fine”, brilliant!

Please do share this with your friends, family and whomever else you think may be interested. Remember to follow us on Twitter @icanexperiences and become a fan on facebook at www.facebook.com/icanexperiences.

Finally, please browse around the site, if you like what you see buy it, if you don’t see anything you like, tell us! We welcome feedback, be it good or bad, we think we are excellent at what we do, but can only continue if you tell us what’s good and what’s not!

All the Best,

Paul
Founder – iCAN experiences
Where possibility can become reality!

Aug 26

Paul’s Blog – Welcome

By My story No Comments

Hello and welcome Enhance supporters and blog readers.

I thought I had better begin my Enhance the UK blog posts by introducing myself and telling you a little about me and what you can expect from my blog’s.

So, my name is Paul Nicol and I am lucky enough to sit on the board of Trustees for Enhance the UK. I was born in 1978, making me the ripe age of 34 at the time of writing this post. I am completely blind and have been for around 7 years. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful wife who has given me the most amazing daughter who is now two and a half years old.

Jennie first approached me when she was planning to incorporate Enhance the UK and asked if I would come onboard as a trustee. Jennie described her vision for Enhance, what she thought could be achieved and why it was important to set the charity up. This struck a chord with me, primarily due to my personal situation with blindness; I knew that my background in I.T would mean that I could help Enhance from a technical perspective as well.

From a personal perspective, I like to think of myself as a genuine, nice guy who enjoys meeting new people and also likes a challenge. When I began to lose my sight, I started looking for some kind of activity/hobby that I could do. What actually transpired was that I enjoyed trying new weird and wonderful activities. I started trying things like Sphereing, Tandem Skydives, aerobatic flights and more.

Earlier this year, I started my own business, it was an incredible step for me to take, but an opportunity that I knew would not come up again. I now run my own business called iCAN experiences. iCAN experiences is a gift experience provider that is aimed squarely at people with disabilities. It’s a completely unique idea and something that is sorely lacking from the industry. My goal is quite simple, I want to help more disabled people get out there and try new, fun and sometimes exciting activities!

From my blog you can expect to read regular posts on my journey on taking iCAN experiences forward, gaining an insight to the challenges we are faced with and how these are overcome. You will learn a little about me personally and from time to time I may add a little in about Enhance, however, if you want to know about Enhance, it’s definitely worth following Jennie as she will tell you things as they happen!

For now, I will leave it there, but do check back to read my regular posts.

If you’re interested in seeing what iCAN experiences is all about, please do pop along to the website at www.icanexperiences.co.uk.

Look after yourselves,

Paul

Aug 17

Blog 1 of ‘Coxy vrs Foxy’ aka The Brighton Marathon 2013

By Lifestyle, My story One Comment

Juice 107.2

Right here we go then, a blog in the build up to The Brighton Marathon 2013. You can see in my Bio bit that Im taking on my co-presenter Foxy in what will be her 2nd Brighton marathon and my first ever marathon.

So over the coming months and weeks I’l keep you updated on how the preperation is coming along right up until the actual event. It seems a few others are getting on the marathon band waggon and wil lbe blogging as well, so firstly good luck to you, but not heaps of luck just enough so you finish. We might have a little internal competiton happening. Although I’m not competitive, I just don’t like losing…

Training thus far: I’ve run 10k several times with a Personal Best of 52minutes and 36 seconds. Mr Mo Farah won gold in about 26 minutes, so if I get twice as first I’ll be entering the Rio Olympics in 4 years. Anyway after his antics recently, he’s my hero. I’m going to run this in honour of Mo.

That’s my intro then…

Of course I’m running for Enhance. Basically because I get a free kit out of it…

 

May 12
Mik Scarlet in Geisha Top

Sex, sex sex… It’s all you ever think about!

By Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

When the lovely Julia asked me if I’d write an article on disability and sexuality, my first thought was “Oh no, not again”. Throughout my twelve-year career as a TV, radio and print journalist I have been asked to cover the topic many times. I have even written manuals on the subject. I am constantly contacted by TV companies making documentaries on how disabled people deal with sex and I no longer have anything to do with them. The programs are invariably made by middle class, able-bodied, media graduates that believe that by making a series on how tough it is to cope with sexuality if you’re disabled they are helping us with some problem they perceive us to have.

Mik Scarlet in Geisha TopThe fact of the matter is WE DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SEX!!!!!!!!!!!! Our main problem regarding sex is the able bodied fascination with our sex lives. I mean do you see whole series looking deeply into the mechanics of heterosexual able-bodied sexual activity…? No. Disabled sex is put in the same category as kinky sex, strippers, queers and transsexuals… all great TV freak fodder. Great ratings grabbers. Just with us the TV companies feel they are helping us poor cripples in some way.

Now before you think I’m going to spend pages ranting about discrimination, I’m not. As I thought about this article I saw away of putting down in words the truth. Of course a disability can cause problems with sexuality, whether it be physiological or psychological. Whether it be the mechanics of paraplegia and the level of spinal injury in relation to the level of sexual function that can be achieved or the image we may have of ourselves as sexual beings living in a world that is becoming more and more preoccupied with the body beautiful.

Another thing to consider is… what is disabled? Never forget that a person with a visual disability is going to have a totally different experience to some one like me, a wheelchair user. I myself have always wondered if a blind lover would be more tactile and sensual. Once, while very drunk at a BBC Christmas party, I annoyed one of my colleagues by asking if her deafness caused her to orgasm loudly. To me not having any true idea of how much noise she might be making during sex would obviously mean she would be a screamer (I know, SOOOO politically incorrect). But see, even us crips are intrigued by how other crips “do it”. Also, every individual wheelchair user will be different in his injury and how it affects them physically, so any serious look at disability and sex can never really capture everyone’s experience of sex, just the common experiences. Experiences shared by everyone, whether or not you’re disabled

So as I can’t speak for all the world’s cripples, I’ll speak for myself. I am a lifetime member of the crip club. I was born with cancer and was one of the fist children in the world to be cured of my type of childhood neuroblastoma. It was a miracle sir, came along and cured they did without a by your leave. The slight nerve damage caused by the cancer left me with a right leg that wasn’t as strong as it should be and so to walk (which took me until the age of five to learn how to do) I needed to wear a caliper (leg brace). Luckily my Mother and Father fought to send me to a normal start school and not a special school. This meant I was educated to the same standard as the rest of the world and was integrated with able-bodied kids from day one of my schooling. I have always been the first disabled pupil in any school I went to, even right up to Sixth Form and Art College. I was always the pioneer that had to assist the school with adaptations. I also had to deal with teachers that had no idea how to react to disabled pupils. I remember once entering a school cross-country run. Now I obviously came in last (that caliper weighed a ton) but my headmaster still made the school applaud me for “bravely” taking part. I felt stupid as everyone was cheering me on for losing. This is where any problems of self-image I have began. Not only was I useless at sport in a school system where sporty kids are looked up to, but I was being praised for being so crap. No one ever praised me this highly for being the school hockey team captain years later. It was my failure that made me stand out. I wasn’t expected to win, I didn’t have to win. Only the disabled live in a world where failure is expected, any success considered a miracle.

So just as I was about to leave school, at the age of fifteen, complications from by my cancer treatment all those years ago caused my spine to collapse and, et viola, I became the wheelie I am today. Now most people, when they hear I was fifteen, say how terrible it must have been. But becoming so much more disabled at this age has always seemed a great thing to me. Before I went in the chair I was the kid that was nearly normal, but not normal enough. OK, it was during the punk thing, so being a freak was kinda cool. Then when Gary Numan hit the charts I was like a pig in shit. Numanoids were always dressed in black, wore make up and, most importantly, didn’t talk. So when I was going through the shy stage I was considered dead cool and thoughtful by the girls in my school. I didn’t know this because I already was unsure that the girls I fancied would want to go out with “the kid with a limp” so I was always just their “Friends”

When I went into the hospital to be treated for my spinal collapse I had the experience of being told I had cancer again and was going to die. For twenty-four hours I thought I’d die a virgin, who had never done any of the things I dreamed of doing. I spent one whole day lying there in the terminal ward, surrounded by people dying, listing all things I’d never do. When I was told my death sentence was a mistake, I viewed the rest of my stay as a means to an end, and tried to make the best of a bad job. I mean I even lost my virginity in hospital to a stunning student nurse! When I got out of hospital it was going to be the beginning of a new me. So I came out of hospital, sat my parents down and told them that the studious, good boy with a great future in conforming was dead. From now on I was going to do what made me happy. I was going to live each day as if it may be my last. I still do!

Young Mik Scarlet as 80s musicianNow while the wheelchair had made me much more grown up in one way, it had given me loads of other shit to get used to. Not only was I in a wheelchair but I had a body covered in scars (this is long before scarification was considered cool) and had (thanks to a doctor trapping some nerves in scar tissue) lost the motor function to my sex organs. As a young man living in a word were erections and penetration was what sex was about, I truly thought I would never be able to make a woman happy sexually. I toyed with being gay (you can receive then, can’t you), but found that stubble and, well, just not fancying blokes made that a non-starter. So I set out to read everything about pleasing a woman. I read so many sex manuals, “How to make love to a woman by a woman” was my favourite. I read up on how to make yourself orgasm without touching yourself at all (a very neat trick in the “E” fueled rave days-really picked up a rush I can tell you). I even read a World War 2 torture manual, because of its chapters on pushing the body beyond its limits, and of course I already knew there are some sick puppies out there! If I did ever find a woman who would go to bed with me, I was going to make sure she had fun. Now don’t forget I had only lost the motor function. This means no hard on, no ejaculation. I could still feel everything. I could still cum, just not produce any cum… (a much cleaner and safer way to be I would discover later). I didn’t even consider me having any fun in my sexual equation; I was only worried about the poor girl that had saddled herself with a spaz. In the end I lost my wheelchair virginity to a friend, who thought she was a lesbian and didn’t want her parents to find out. We went out as a pretend couple, fell in love and became a real couple. And it was great. All that reading paid off. Of course I may be a disabled man, but I’m still a man. Now I knew I could make a girl happy in bed, I wanted more. So I left her (yes I still feel like a shit, even today) and went out in to the world, full of sexual confidence, tongue a-ready!

But where as she had never made me feel less than a man, or feel guilty for going out with an able bodied girl, others did. Between the mind games that consequent ex-girlfriends played, and the way men think any girl with a cripple is just waiting for a “real” man to take her away from her torment, any confidence I had soon disappeared. And this was how my ex’s wanted it. I couldn’t see how much stronger I was than them, both mentally and physically. The public perceive the disabled to be a sickly bunch but in fact, once I got over my spine problems, the only time I’m ever ill is when the pain gets too much.

My ex’s were always ill and weak and were racked with all the self-image problems that today’s women complain of. “Am I getting fat?” “Are my boobs getting droopy?”
Oh well, at least they’d managed to find a boy friend who wouldn’t leave them, I mean he was so lucky to be going out with them. Bollocks to that! They may have thought that out downs and mind games would keep me around but I left every one of them. If they thought they could get better than me, let them try.

Then I met “The One”. Diane’s Dad is a severe epileptic but lives life to the full, out in the real world. He always told her to live every day like it was your last. She had also burnt herself as a baby, and had scars down her right arm. She’d been in hospital, she’d grown up believing no man would want a deformed girlfriend. She’d had ex-partners that used mind games to keep her around. When we finally got together, after six years of me chasing her and her just thinking what a terrible flirt I was, we just clicked. Not only emotionally, but sexually. Together we have been places you people would not believe. I can now safely say my sex life is a million times better than it ever could have been if I wasn’t disabled. You have no idea how the male sexuality changes once it’s set free of erection and ejaculation. Teehee.

Maybe this is why I get so fed up with always being asked about sexuality and disability. You see the able bodied can never understand. To truly get what I mean you need to have a spinal collapse. You need to have my body, my mind, and my partner (hands off!!). In fact sometimes I feel sorry for able-bodied men, with their worries about penis size, their performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction terrors. In my world Viagra wouldn’t have been invented, it would be a waste of time. But not only can you never understand what it is like to be disabled, nor can we. I only know what it is like to me. If this was an article on social discrimination then I could talk in generalities. I know what it is like to be treated differently due to something beyond your control. I even have an understanding of what it is to be Black or Gay, or Female in this world. Sex however is such an individual thing. All you able-bodied types have different sexualities, different turn ons, different responses. Disabled people are no different. The only thing I do know for sure is…

I’M ALL RIGHT JACK!!!!!

Sorry if this article wasn’t “This is how we do it!” That’s our secret and we’re not sharing it with just anyone! They do say that everyone is a disabled person waiting to happen. Well when it happens to you, then you’ll know. There’s a cheerful thought to leave you with. Now where’s that gorgeous girlfriend of mine? All this talk of sex has got me feeling a wee bit frisky…………….

Apr 27
Mik Scarlet

Can walk, won’t walk

By Lifestyle, My story No Comments

(Or “Just when you least expect it, just what you least expect!”)

When I was 15 years old an unexpected side effect of a successful treatment I underwent as a baby for a cancer caused my spine to collapse at the L1 vertebrae. After two surgeries, a spinal decompression and a spinal fusion, and nine months of total bed rest, I left hospital as I full time wheelchair user.
No one told me straight away that I was going to be permanently paralysed, but after years of unsuccessful physiotherapy, I kind of knew the answer when I asked my surgeon;

“Will I ever walk again?”

He tried, as gently as he could to break what he thought would be terrible news.

“No. I’m afraid the nerve damage is too great. We tried our best but I think you must start planning your life in that buggy of yours”.

The weird thing was by then I already saw going into my wheelchair as the best thing that had ever happened to me. Before the chair, I had spent my life being the good, studious son. I did well at school; already had a series of job offers for after me exams without even knowing my results and had a very conventional life stretching out before me. But this was not the life I dreamed of.

Young Mik Scarlet as 80s musicianI wanted to be a musician, play in bands, dye my hair and rebel BIG TIME! It was only the shock of being so ill just as I readied myself to enter the big wide world that woke me up to myself. You see everyone thought I was going to die this time. So as I lay there in my hospital bed all I could do was list the things I would never do.

“Never dye my hair, never go to a nightclub, but worst of all… never have sex!”

So the first thing I did after I wheeled my chair through my front door for the first time was dye my hair. I taught myself to play piano while I was convalescing, and promptly formed a band when I was well enough. I soon met a lovely girl and I lost that pesky virginity. My life was getting better and better at a time when most people would expect me to be at my lowest.

I continued to enjoy my life, living each day as if I was back in that hospital bed, thinking I was dying. My musical career blossomed, and I toured Europe with acts like Gary Numan (my teenage hero) and then went into TV presenting on kids television. One of the shows I presented, Beat That on C4, even won an Emmy and got a Bafta nomination. Things finally started to enter the realm of heavenly when I met a wonderful lady who is now my wife.

Then, in early 1999 I was involved in a massive car accident. The ever increasing amount of back pain I had afterwards led me to visit a hospital.

“Well it appears your spinal fusion has cracked,” the doctor told me.

Yes I’d broken my back… again!

By this time the pain was so unbearable I was taking Morphine all day everyday just to get out of bed and so it was decided surgery was the only way out.

My surgeon, Mr Ben Taylor at the Royal National Orthapaedic Hospital (RNOH) Stanmore, was one of those guys who filled you with confidence. He knew he was good, and made sure you knew it too.

His plan was to take out the damaged L1 vertebrae entirely and replace it with a titanium ring supported by two titanium rods.

“It’s a big job, but don’t worry you’ll be right as rain afterwards”

It was only after the marathon 15-hour operation that he admitted;

“This was the first time I’ve ever carried out this procedure.”

Anyway, first time or not, it worked. The pain went almost immediately. However throughout the six months I had to spend confined to my bed, something felt weird. It was only when I sat up and put my feet on the floor for the first time that I realised I could feel my feet again, after 25 years of nothing. Soon movement started too and so I returned to RNOH to find out what had happened.

No one could believe it, but after lots of tests I was informed;

Mik Scarlet“Yes Michael, it appears that you have regained a significant amount of sensory and motor function. I can only imagine that your nerves were not severed when you were 15 but were trapped in scar tissue. This last surgery has freed them.”

It also became plain that there might be a chance of trying to walk again. But the 25 happy years in a wheelchair had left its mark. My right hip had worn away and my bone density in my both my femurs were so low they might not carry my weight.

“We can replace your hip, and then replace your knees and ankles if you need it,” my surgeon told me.

And so that’s my dilemma. While I seemed to have been cured by mistake, can I truly say that I miss walking so much I am prepared to undergo years of operations and physiotherapy or do I say enough is enough and carry on enjoying my life as a wheelchair user?

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