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Apr 15

I’m profoundly deaf, newly single and ready to hit the dating scene again

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet No Comments

“I’m profoundly deaf, newly single and ready to hit the dating scene again. I’ve made an online dating profile but I haven’t mentioned my disability yet. When I start messaging someone, how soon should I bring it up?”

Anonymous, Norwich
Mik’s advice…
Personally I am a big fan of being up front from as early as possible. That might be as my impairment is fairly obvious, being on a wheels, but there are elements of my impairment that are hidden and are fairly important to a relationship so I do know what it’s like to have to worry over the big “when do I tell them?” question.

I have found that being honest and up front is the best policy. Mainly as springing the surprise on a prospective partner later on can throw up issues of trust. I doubt you’re considering waiting until the first date, but I’d mention it sooner rather than later. It’s tricky with online dating as you don’t want to attract weirdos, or put people off. However in my view if someone is put off by disability then you’ve been saved from wasting time on the wrong person.

Be proud of who you are, love yourself and you will meet someone who loves you right back.

Apr 08

I can’t live up to the high physical demands of the gay community

By Andrew Morrison Gurza, Lifestyle No Comments

“I’m not dating anyone and I’m sure part of the reason is the birth defects visible on my left arm and hand, and I don’t think I’m so attractive in the face anyway. I haven’t been out for long and all my friends are straight. I feel I can’t live up to the high physical ideals demanded of me by the gay community. Please tell me everyones not so shallow.”

anonymous, Cardiff

Andrew’s advice…

It is true that the LGBTQ community, particularly MSM, place a lot of value on our physical bodies. When one is physically disabled and queer, you can certainly feel unequal to your queer peer group. I know that having a physical disability and being a wheelchair user myself, my body CANNOT conform to our homo-normative ideals. This is where you have to learn to market your disability.

What is it about you that you think is attractive? What about your disability makes you unique? How can you turn that around to be a positive thing? When you go into gay spaces, you have to project an air of confidence simply because most gay men have little to no exposure with respect to someone with a disability. They are probably unsure of how to approach you. This means that you are the expert – you can teach them how your disability is just another part of who you are, but it is one of the most awesome and sexy parts.

Most importantly, you have to start realising that your disability makes you attractive. It gives you the upper hand, and a view on the world and gay life, that other people don’t have. This is an amazing quality. Your physical differences will never match the gay ideals that we have ascribed to in gay culture, but you can break the mould by offering a different perspective.

Apr 08

I’m a gay man with restricted growth

By Andrew Morrison Gurza, Lifestyle One Comment

“Being a man with restricted growth means I get a lot of attention in gay bars and clubs. However, this isn’t always the positive kind and I’m now looking for a serious relationship. Should I try another method of meeting guys? I’m so used to the gay ‘scene’ I don’t know where to start!”

Adam, Glasgow

Andrew’s advice…

The gay scene can indeed be a daunting one. As a wheelchair user myself, the scene is often inaccessible to me, as the buildings are not equipped for access. However, when I have gone, I either receive no attention or awkward attention – by which I mean people are not quite sure how to react to me. In those instances, I try to just have fun and be myself.
In your quest for a relationship, you may want to try online dating. I know that we all have our qualms about it, but you could at least put yourself out there in a different way. Specifically, online dating allows you in a sense, to market yourself and your disability in the way that you want it to be perceived by others.

I would also suggest going to games nights or discussion night that isn’t directly related to the ‘scene’. This will give the community a chance to get to know you and learn about your disability outside of the overly sexualised scene.

Apr 08

I’m an 18 year old lesbian with cerebral palsy

By Andrew Morrison Gurza, Lifestyle No Comments

“I’m an 18 year old female with cerebral palsy and I’ve known from a young age that I am a lesbian. My parents are currently my full time carers, and I haven’t told them this. They are quite conservative. How shall I break it to them? I hope they can cope with having a gay and disabled daughter.”

Katie, Manchester
Andrew’s advice…
Thank you so much for writing in to me at the Love Lounge. Coming out, is stressful enough as it is, so first I would like to applaud you for taking the first steps to come into your sexuality! Congratulations.
In terms of coming out with a disability this can add even more pressure, because you feel as though you are adding to your perceived burden in their lives. I understand that completely, and when I came out that was one of my biggest fears. Because your parents are your primary care givers right now (I’ll presume that you need them for all your daily activities?), I might suggest waiting until you are in a different care situation, wherein you have the independence. I understand how you might feel like you want to be honest with them RIGHT NOW, but it is always best to come out in an environment where you feel most comfortable.
I certainly empathize with you. Two weeks before I came out, I was just about to turn 16. I had read all the literature and was absolutely petrified that I would be disowned. Finally, my mom asked me: “What’s wrong? Are you gay or something?”. When I said yes, we sat down and had a great heart to heart. So, you may feel safe enough to sit them down and tell them how you feel, rather than wait. They may even surprise you. No matter what you do, please be sure that you feel safe and secure in coming out to them. There is no right time or way to do it. Of course, remember that you being both gay and disabled is not an added burden. It is an added power you have to enlighten people and open their eyes to other possibilities and realities.
Apr 05

I’ve just started seeing this amazing girl

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle No Comments

“I’ve just started seeing an amazing girl in the year above from school. She knows I’m partially blind and it’s never been a big deal. But one of the only places we can hang out is at the cinema which doesn’t have many accessible movies with audio description. I don’t want her to get bored with me! What other fun cheap dates could I take her on?”

Anonymous, London

Brittany’s advice…

Take her to the lakes or the beach, shopping, for a picnic or take out for ice cream.
Feb 21

I live in a group home and I really want a double bed… Help!

By Lifestyle, The Love Lounge 2 Comments

Firstly, is there anyone else in your group home with a double bed?

YES – Go to that person and ask them how they got the double bed, particularly the exact person who approved it. Then go to the person who has the power to approve a double bed and make a note of the resident’s top tips about how they were successful.

But if NO and you are the first person to ask for a double bed, ask the staff who has the power to approve a double bed. Now it is time for some preparation before you meet them.

Next, imagine stepping into the shoes of the general manager of your home and picture that you have a resident asking for a double bed.

Since this is the first time this has happened, imagine the questions they will ask and especially  the things that might make them say yes or no. For example, some questions that spring to my mind: Are they scared a resident could be taken advantage of by a staff member? Is there not enough space in the home as you will need a private room?

Also, does the company that runs the home have any policies on the rights of residents?

Would it help to have someone in the meeting to support you like your best friend or the girlfriend/boyfriend who will be sleeping with you in the double bed? Perhaps they can help you prepare your arguments?

Finally, you should call Enhance the UK as they can give you supporting evidence of residents in care homes with double beds.

Good Luck! With good preparation you might be surprised at how quickly you have a double bed to  Enhance your sex life!

When I was in hospital in my own room and my wife and I asked for some “private time,” it was really easy. They just gave me a “do not disturb” sign and we used a single bed for sex.

I was impressed by how accommodating and not squeamish they were, but not all homes will have the same open attitude soEnhance the UK can advise you on your rights.

Feb 21

I love my partner but they treat me like I’m a patient, it’s driving me nuts!

By Lifestyle, The Love Lounge One Comment

Firstly, the people who love us are programmed to look after us if we get sick, but sometimes this can go too far. If this happens, it is up to you to step in and make some clear new rules.

Changing how your partner treats you starts with changing how you expect to be to be treated.

Let’s be honest, being in hospital and having nurses do everything for you at the touch of a button can actually be quite a nice experience. One that you can easily get used to, especially if you have trouble doing some things for yourself because of your illness. There is even a point where we completely forget how to do things for ourselves, this is called institutionalisation.

I know I secretly quite enjoyed having nurses wait on me hand and foot, and then when I went home I unconsciously treated my wife like a nurse asking her to do almost everything for me. This made us both uncomfortable.

If you act like a patient sometimes your partner will react by taking up the role as nurse and treating you as a helpless hospital patient. It is a situation where it takes two to tango which means you have the power to change things quickly.

Acting like a helpless patient is NOT sexy, but the situation can be fixed relatively quickly and easily. First, as with most problems looking for a solution, you need to talk about some new rules.

We talked and agreed the cast iron rule. That she should assume I can do X myself and I will only ever ask for help if I can’t do it.

This new rule turned out to be quite empowering as I didn’t realise how I was sometimes actually deliberately making myself helpless in order to get help!

I got lazy and institutionalised in hospital to the point where I expected help all the time with everything.

So, if your partner is treating you like a patient it might mean you have unconsciously taken the habit of being nursed like one at home. We are programmed by millions of years of evolution to take the most efficient day-to-day route to living and being waited on hand and foot is easier than doing everything ourselves.

But it has a severe side effect that our partner will end us treating us differently, yet this can be avoided simply by:

Having a conversation with your partner and make it clear you don’t like being treated like a patient in a hospital and that they should only help you if you ask for it.

Firstly, the people who love us are programmed to look after us if we get sick, but sometimes this can go too far. If this happens, it is up to you to step in and make some clear new rules.

Changing how your partner treats you starts with changing how you expect to be to be treated.

Let’s be honest, being in hospital and having nurses do everything for you at the touch of a button can actually be quite a nice experience. One that you can easily get used to, especially if you have trouble doing some things for yourself because of your illness. There is even a point where we completely forget how to do things for ourselves, this is called institutionalisation.

I know I secretly quite enjoyed having nurses wait on me hand and foot, and then when I went home I unconsciously treated my wife like a nurse asking her to do almost everything for me. This made us both uncomfortable.

If you act like a patient sometimes your partner will react by taking up the role as nurse and treating you as a helpless hospital patient. It is a situation where it takes two to tango which means you have the power to change things quickly.

Acting like a helpless patient is NOT sexy, but the situation can be fixed relatively quickly and easily. First, as with most problems looking for a solution, you need to talk about some new rules.

We talked and agreed the cast iron rule. That she should assume I can do X myself and I will only ever ask for help if I can’t do it.

This new rule turned out to be quite empowering as I didn’t realise how I was sometimes actually deliberately making myself helpless in order to get help!

I got lazy and institutionalised in hospital to the point where I expected help all the time with everything.

So, if your partner is treating you like a patient it might mean you have unconsciously taken the habit of being nursed like one at home. We are programmed by millions of years of evolution to take the most efficient day-to-day route to living and being waited on hand and foot is easier than doing everything ourselves.

But it has a severe side effect that our partner will end us treating us differently, yet this can be avoided simply by:

Step 1: Have a conversation with your partner and make it clear you don’t like being treated like a patient in a hospital and that they should only help you if you ask for it.

Step 2: Start to act like the independent survivor you are and try to do everything that you can, yourself.

Step 3: Strictly enforce these new rules and refuse help from your partner unless you asked.

Take these three steps and you will be surprised how quickly your partner will start testing you like a normal human being again!

Start to act like the independent survivor you are and try to do everything that you can, yourself.

Step Three: Strictly enforce these new rules and refuse help from your partner unless you asked.

Take these three steps and you will be surprised how quickly your partner will start testing you like a normal human being again!

Feb 21

I love my partner but I’m scared of hurting them now they’re sick…

By Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

If you love your partner, one of your first instincts is to keep them safe and to be afraid of hurting them is perfectly natural.

But a crucial part of helping your partner recover is learning to risk hurting them during sex. Remember, we are not talking skydiving! Sex usually takes place in a very safe pace like a bedroom in your home but done the right way you can take safe risks almost anywhere. We all take risks every day. Crossing the road is risking death and even more dangerous is driving in a car, which is statistically more likely to kill you than serving as a soldier in a war zone like Afghanistan!

But you still drive and you still cross the road. The point is, everyday we take calculated risks. We calculate risks vs returns so you now must learn to take the same sort of calculated risks during sex. Sometimes something might hurt a little, or even a lot, but you must learn from that and try again. If you let fear rule your sex life it will die.

Talk to your partner about this right away, I can guarantee most of the fear is in your head and you will probably find a little risk is well worth the return of sex and connection. So bite the bullet and get talking!

There is also a simple solution taken from the world of BDSM – bondage. Use special words for the traffic light or a safe word system:

Green= Yes (More)

Orange= This is getting close to my limits (Slow Down)

Red= Stop right now

You don’t literally need to use green, orange and red. Instead you can use whatever words you like, meaning that sex play can continue uninterrupted without jarring the mood with “stop that” or “don’t do that.” You can even say “no” and mean “yes,” safe knowing your partner will stop when you use the right safe word. With this system of communication you can risk hurting someone while being completely safe in the knowledge that they are in control.

You can take the risks that help make sex hot while keeping the safety that you naturally want for your partner.

Jan 07
image of blog pages

‘I Think Differently’ by Brittany Barry

By Lifestyle, My story, News 10 Comments

Brittany in her ASL videoI used to think something was wrong with the way I think.

Now I know that I just think differently.

The main reason is that I first learned language in a different way.

I heard things in English but said them in another language—sign language.

I did this because even though I can hear, I have speech challenges and am deaf in one ear. I live in two worlds, hearing and ASL, and neither world exactly understands what’s its like to be me.

I don’t think in a straight line.   

I think in all directions at once. For example, when I buy a gift,  I know that person in 3D and know what is perfect for them.

I think now and ahead at the same time.  

I plan my week on the weekend and get up very early in the morning so I am prepared. 

I organize what I learn in folders in my mind, like school folder, family folder, birthday folder, shopping folder, where you put your keys folder.  This lets me remember everything I see and hear.

ASL feels different than English.  You see it, not hear it.  For example, when you want to say good job, you hold up your thumb.  That’s what ASL words feel like.

I think of words 3 ways at the same time; the thing, the word and the sign.

Sign language skips a lot of words so its easy to leave English words out and put them in the wrong order. 

I want to walk  is  I want walk. 

 I will ask her to pick her up  is  I will ask her to picking up her. 

Two different words in English, can be one word in sign.

You put your hand on your chest to say both My or mine.  So writing ASL to English might be Mine clothes are on the table.

One sign can mean 3 English words.

Moving your hand in front of your face means pretty, handsome, beautiful. 

Some words I have never said. I might know the sign but I have never heard the word or the answer.

For example, my driver’s test asked about an intersection. I have been in an intersection before but had never had a word for it.  So when I read it, I didn’t know what the word meant.

Reading helps me with language, but I still need to translate words. 

Math has more language to deal with than people think and they assume I know what things mean. A lot of words mean different things in math than in English like times.  

For algebra, I need to write every step. I like to check it right after so I can clear my head.  On tests, if there are a lot of steps to remember, I get blank and nervous. Geometry is easier for me than algebra because its not a lot of steps.  

To me, sign communicates feelings, not just words. Just like music.

I can communicate important things or deep feelings by writing them.  But I am grateful to have someone who understands sign.

I have to be determined and creative to get help because teachers don’t understand me. 

When people are not patient and try to do things for me, I have to either fight back or give in.

In big groups, its hard to get people’s attention so I have to listen carefully and wait a lot.

I work really hard and have to hold a lot of things in my head.

So what does this all mean.  It means:

I am creative, resourceful and determined

I am super sensitive to seeing and listening

I really want to communicate

I want the world to see who I am

Sometimes I’m exhausted.

 

Jan 06
image of blog pages

Brittany’s Story

By Lifestyle, My story, News 5 Comments

Check out Brittany in her American Sign Language Music Video just below!

I have a speech disability and hearing loss in in one ear.  Because I can’t talk, I have been using sign language to communicate with my family since the age of two.

Throughout elementary and middle school I struggled with the limitations of my disabilities, but I have also found different ways to communicate and overcome many obstacles.  For example, a difficulty was when kids would tease me or bully me in school.  As painful as that was, I refused to be silent.  I always told the teachers or my parents what was happening and managed to have good friends at school.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2_WOICgKDY[/youtube]

I have been mainstreamed in school my whole life, and my peers did not know sign language.  Since I started high school, my old friends began to change and became distant from me.  High school has been a very painful experience in many ways because of isolation and depression.  I often asked my mom if I could be home-schooled because it was so hard.  But the pain of high school has led me to in the past four years to get involved in the world of Deaf and Hard of Hearing people where sign language communication has been easier for me.  I took American Sign Language classes at College of Marin where I became a teacher’s aide.  Later I went to a camp at Gallaudet University, and I was also a counselor at a Lyons Club camp for Deaf kids one summer.  What I realized from these experiences is that I feel the most comfortable with hearing or hard-of-hearing people who know sign language like me.  I don’t identify as well with the Deaf community who have their own culture and cultural norms.  In many ways I feel I am living between two worlds, the non-signing and hearing world, and the signing Deaf worlds.  This is not an easy place to be.

An example living between two worlds is that sometimes it’s embarrassing when I use sign language if I am out at a restaurant or when I meet new people.  They assume I am Deaf, and I feel misunderstood.  On the other hand, I am not fully comfortable communicating with Deaf people because the way I like to communicate is with my voice and sign language at the same time, and most Deaf people just use sign language.  Because I can hear, I also rely on listening to people speaking.  If a deaf person signs really fast and they don’t use their voice, it’s hard for me to understand them.

But on a positive note, I have some advantages because I can communicate in two languages and be part of both the Deaf and hearing world.  In many ways I am able to relate to people from two worlds.  I have had some amazing opportunities like making a music video with a Deaf performer, and meeting Deaf celebrities like Marlee Maltin, Sean  Berdy and Sean Forbes. I think when I could not communicate with hearing people at school I became a very good observer and listener.  I have learned to listen to other peoples’ ideas and opinions.  I notice that because I am such a good observer I remember things very well. I am also a visual person and use my eyes all the time.  When I remember things, I see pictures more than remembering the words.

I am continuing to search for better ways to communicate and make friends who are like me.  I would like to find a community of people who can sign and talk.  In choosing a college or university I am hoping to find a signing community.  My goals in college are to study fashion and marketing and continue to play soccer, but I also hope to find a place in the college community where I feel like I fit in.

Brittany Barry

 

 

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