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Jun 23

“How useful can I expect disabled dating sites to be?”

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Hello Emily,

First of all I think it’s a great campaign as disability and
relationships need to be open with increased awareness. I am 25 with mild
CP I enjoy skiing and going to the gym. I am slightly addicted to spin
classes! I have a small group on friends who all have girlfriends and
are slowly getting married. I have tried a number of speed dating
events including silent dating, blindfolded dating and online dating.
I have been honest about my disability in my profile, and have
received 0 messages I gave wrote about 50 I am not surprised by this.
I am wondering if you have any advice on where to meet women who would
be willing to overlook my slightly different walking gate? I am
finding it hard to accept people’s negative views and narrow
mindedness. I have been tempted to sign up to these dating agencies :
one has been used on the undateables on channel 4. Have you heard any
reviews of there usefulness? I have given up on online dating and the
use of tinder as they are so image focused. I look forward to hearing
from you.
Kind regards,
Peter.

Hi Peter,
Apologies for the delay in replying – this one is tough as, unfortunately, we live in a very image conscious society ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating!!!
Great that you have so many interests and you’re getting yourself out there and doing what you love; that’s half of the battle!  Are you involved in any groups or classes that relate to your skiing or love of fitness? This is often a great way to meet people as there’s a mutual interest to focus on straight away.  What else are you interested in? Travel? Music? Volunteering? These are all great ways to meet people too!  I play wheelchair basketball, and made some amazing friends through that (and even had a couple of relationships….) Have you thought about joining a club near you?
I’m afraid I can’t comment on the usefulness of any particular dating sites, but I will say that you’re much more likely to be successful in your search for love if it is your personality that shines through first, rather than just the way you look/walk.
There’s been many ways that disabled people have played the game of online dating, many have even experimented to see how many responses they get when their disability isn’t photographed or mentioned on their profile at all.  I’m not suggesting you do this, but it is an option!
Maybe online dating just isn’t for you.  And that’s fine! But someone, somewhere will be for you, you’ve just got to keep trying (however tedious and lonely that can seem at times).

Let me know if you want to chat some more; I can even introduce you to your local Wheelchair Basketball team if you’re interested?
Hope this helps, and good luck!
Emily x

 

Jan 20

“My daughter is 18 and has been blind from birth…”

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Tim: “My daughter is 18 and has been blind from birth. She goes to college in our local area and is generally quite independent all round. My wife tells me that now, she has started seeing a boy in her year at college. Part of me is happy but a big part is being protective father, especially because of her blindness. Should I just let her be a normal teenager?”

Mik: “Hi Tim, Arh the joys of fatherhood. Especially if you have daughters! It’s all worry worry worry! But lets face it Tim, you’d be worried whether of not your daughter was visually impaired. It’s your job, you’re a dad!

I hope you know the answer to your question at heart. It’s let her fly. She is an adult now, and is carving her place in the world. Part of that will be dating, no matter how much it hurts you inside. It’s time to face up to the fact that your little girl is growing up, and be proud of how well she is doing.

This is a red letter day really and proof of how well you have raised her. She is obviously a confident, independent adult who is having no issues with getting out there and building a life for herself. Don’t worry about her impairment, or what might happens with those pesky boys. Just support her, and wait to see if she needs a shoulder to cry on… if those aforementioned pesky boys do what teenage boys do and act like fools.

Don’t envy you though. I dread to think what I’d be like if I was a Dad!”

 

Jan 20

“Should I brave using my arm prosthetic on the first date?”

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Michelle: “Hey guys, I have recently started internet dating since after Christmas and had a lot of interest on my profile, which is flattering! However, I only have one arm after losing it in a motorbiking accident in my teens. I usually only wear a shoulder prosthetic and skip my arm prosthetic as it can be a real pain – but should I brave it when going on the first few dates to avoid any awkwardness? What are your thoughts? Thanks x”

Mik: “Hi Michelle,
I am a big fan of being up front, so I would go as you best feel comfortable. If you don’t feel yourself when wearing your prosthetic then that might get in the way of the date. To me if anyone isn’t keen on you because of your impairment then you’ve been saved from wasting time on a looser.

I had a mate at school who lost her arm at an early age and she never wore a prosthetic. She also never had any issues with guys. Her confidence was really attractive to us guys. Most of the men I know would much prefer someone who was happy with who they were than someone trying to be something they are not.

So I think my advice would be ‘Be proud and leave the prosthetic at home.’
Good luck and have a great time!”

Dec 01

“I have Muscular Dystrophy and my girlfriend has Cerebral Palsy…”

By Emily Yates, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

“I have muscular dystrophy and my girlfriend has cerebral palsy. We’ve been together 7 months and we need advice as to moving forward and getting more intimate. We both have severe disability and limited movement.” – Richard

Hi Richard,

Great to hear from you and many thanks for contacting the Love Lounge.  Finding intimacy that works can undoubtedly be more difficult when you and your partner both have a disability, but certainly not impossible! I have Cerebral Palsy myself and I am currently with an able-bodied partner, but I have had very fulfilling sexual relationships with other disabled partners too.

The biggest and best bit of advice I can give to you regarding taking steps forward in terms of intimacy is… talk to each other.  Finding out what works and what doesnt with sex is always going to be a method of trial and error.  When you are trying different positions, for example, make sure that you are both always communicating with each other to confirm you’re both happy, comfortable and enjoying what’s going on.

A wonderfully intimate relationship does not have to include penetrative sex either.  I’ve had some amazing sex without having intercourse.  Get comfortable laying with each other and telling each other what feels good and what you’d like to try.  Certain sex toys might make things really enjoyable whilst also allowing you both to be comfortable and not too physically active too soon.  Funnily enough, I’ve just been told about a voice-controlled vibrator that might help those with limited movement.  See what you think!http://www.honour.co.uk/silicone-voice-activated-vibrator-amy.php#long-description

Additionally, to help make certain positions more comfortable, check out Liberator ramps and wedges (a little on the pricey side, so they might just give you a bit of inspiration of similar products you could use at home) http://www.liberator.com/wedge-ramp-combo.html

Really hope this helps.  Please let me know how you get on and if you need anymore specific advice, just shout! 🙂

Emily x

Nov 19

“I’m 15 and the only wheelchair user in a mainstream school…”

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

“I’m 15 and the only wheelchair user in a mainstream school. I have a lot of friends but really like one guy in our group as more than that. He’s nice to me but I don’t think he looks at me in that way. How can I get him to notice me and not the wheelchair?”

Rachel – Crawley

 
Hi Rachel, it’s a great question, and a situation that many of us have been through.  I think the one and only answer I can really give is be yourself and let yourself shine.  Most people are the best versions of themselves when they are relaxed and comfortable, so firstly work out what situations make you the most comfortable! It might be within a large group of friends, at a certain restaurant, or in the park opposite your house with a picnic and a book.  Whichever situation it might be, pluck up the courage to invite him along to things outside of school, this way you’ll get to know each other on a more personal level.  When you feel the time is right, arrange to do something with him that only involves you two: going for a coffee, to the cinema, taking him to one of your favourite places that is totally new to him etc.  The more than you feel in control of the situation, the more confident you are likely to be.  Hopefully you’ll have loads of fun, and if he’s still not making moves, maybe you could?  At least you’ll probably feel like you know him well enough to have ‘the conversation’ without it being awkward.  Good luck! 🙂

Emily x

Oct 28

Learning Disabilities and the Capacity to Consent

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

Ella

“I’m interested to know what you think about the court’s decision that a young woman with learning disabilities and a history of abusive relationships does have mental capacity to consent to sex: http://dailym.ai/1wBHexD I personally find it tricky because while, on the one hand it’s important people with learning disabilities are treated with respect and have equal rights to the rest of us, on the other hand don’t we as a society have a duty to protect vulnerable people from abuse?”

Emily

Hi Ella. Wow, great question. I personally find this just as tricky as you do, and agree with everything you say. The issue that I have with this situation is that, before the alleged sexual relationships and financial deals started at this woman’s expense, she was in a vulnerable position, and had made friendships and relationships with those who did not have her best interests at heart. It upsets me that this has somehow been allowed to happen, which has led to her being taken advantage of, whether she was deemed capable of consenting or not.

Regardless of a certain difficulty or disability, I hope this case has been dealt with the severity it deserves; any financial dealings around sex, and domestic abuse, are illegal (this seems to be a ‘glossed over’ part in the article), and I do personally believe that this lady’s condition leads to a much more sensitive case with lots of factors to think about.

As to whether or not I think the verdict was correct, it’s hard to say as I do not know the lady and, as with many things, all cases are different based on the individual and their needs. Her age is a really pivotal part of the case as if she’d been only a few years younger and legally a child, her disability would have only strengthened the horror of the case. With the age she is, however, the court has a real dilemma of treating her just like any other adult, or basing their decision on a child’s case, and effectively demeaning her by doing so. The problem, it seems, is that there are no guidlines for anything inbetween, which this situation obviously is!

I do think that this case and your eagerness to talk about it has made clear that situations like this need to be looked at closely and reviewed with sensitivity. In my opinion, this article highlights the very sad truth that, with correct preventative measures and support for the lady, these awful events would possibly never have happened; this should never have been a case for the court to decide. Apologies for not being able to give you a ‘black and white’ answer, but more than happy to keep chatting things through if you wish to do so.

Oct 28

25, transgender with Cerebral Palsy

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Carl

“Hey my names Carl I am 25 with CP. I have had an extensive dating history some of which I am proud of some of which I am not. I guess we all have been there. I am transgender and only recently came out as such. Now bare in mind that I have done the whole internet dating thing as well. What I find is that you get some questions from people that make you question societies common sense in general like, “Have you ever had sex?” Like one, if I hadn’t had sex before would I tell you? And two, if that’s a good conversation starter and that’s your idea of a ice breaker I don’t think we will EVER have sex .

I find now that I am more confident in my self and how I am with others, but as soon as I went over to Mars and left Venus behind ( a little trans joke ) I find that I struggle with dating. Like I was the cool hot girl that was good at video games and good at fixing cars … now I don’t know I am a lot more guarded. I don’t know I just feel like something has changed, I was guarded about guys wanting me as a fantasy lay.
Now its that plus the added pressure of “do they want me Carl or the women side of me because I am pre op and not on hormones so I don’t know is it me am I putting my foot in the water too soon? Or am I just too jaded or think too much ?

Mik

A toughie Carl. I know I once went out with someone and when they discovered I could have sex they were rather pissed off. They imagined I would become a nice little love slave, giving out the pleasure but needing no attention in return. So I get the whole unsure of what people are looking for. I cannot deny I have little experience of Transgender issues, although some of my friends do. I kind of don’t really care and I wonder if that’s the approach you might adopt around dating? If you like someone and they like you, should it matter if they want your Venus or Mars? And even after reassignment, you will still have both as part of who you are. I know I am very happy with being feminine, even though I know I don’t look it physically. I might be straight and a male, so I inherit the world kind of which makes it easy to be in touch with my feminine side, but I know that it is the whole of me that my partners have found attractive. I would advise you to worry less, while ensuring you keep yourself safe as we all know what tossers some straight men can be about this subject, and explore the new you with people you like as people, and who do the same for you. I would also try to find a support group near you, and get joining asap. Talking to people who are going through the stuff you are will really help and allow you build your confidence for the future.

I will also have a chat with my Trans mates and see if they have any pearls of wisdom I can pass on. Until then, I think it’s best to be cautious at first but not too let that prevent you from dating. Be up front and honest, and let that new found confidence shine through. Hope that helps somewhat?

Oct 28

Have either of you tried online dating?

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

James

Have either of you tried online dating? do you think you need to be upfront about your disability (and risk putting people off!) or should you hide it, and surprise them later on?”

Mik

Hi James, I am so old that online dating didn’t exist when I was on the prowl, so it’s an unknown concept to me I’m afraid. However I have always been proud of my impairment and cannot see that that would change online. I know that is because I use a wheelchair so it’s not exactly something I can hide, but I also feel it is part of how I am and as I like myself I am out and proud. As a teenager I wasn’t so upfront, but found that I had to have “that chat” about what did and didn’t work on my body. Some of my partners reacted badly, and as I got older I found that being upfront from the start was easier for all concerned. So if I was single today, in the world of online dating, I would choose the open and direct approach. Who wants to go on a date and see “that” face, of someone who discovers you are disabled at a point when they feel they have to smile and be fine about it no matter what they really think. I mean, who wants to date someone who is put off by disability? Gonna be an awful date, if nothing else.

If I’m honest I have always seen my impairment as a filter that saves me from dating some people who would have not been, shall we say, a good match (polite eh?). We are disabled and if someone finds that a turn off then not being with them is better for all concerned. So if you use online dating, be upfront and that way you will only get those people who don’t really care. Sure it will cut down the number of responses but is that bad thing?

Us oldies can count ourselves lucky. We met in clubs and bars face to face. We could over come the stereotypes around disability in person and so it wasn’t such a big deal. One bit of advice I would give to anyone is that was the best way of meeting people. If you can creating an active social life leads you to situations where you meet people in an environment that allows relationships to form around who you are and not what you are. But that could just be the old man talking. Whatever you try, good luck and have fun. If you approach it as a laugh and not some serious search for love then you can’t loose.

Oct 27

I am 31, single, with Cerebral Palsy…

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

Fiona

“Hi, I am 31, single with CP. I have had only one boyfriend and am feeling alone as all my peers are marrying and having children. I don’t know what to do?”

Emily

Hi Fiona. Thanks so much for getting in touch. I’ve also got CP and know the feeling of ‘will I ever find someone that’s for me?’ very well indeed.

I think that the two main and most important answers that I can give to your question of what to do now in terms of finding a relationship is, firstly, stop comparing yourself to your friends and, secondly, focus on you and only you.

This may seem like a really tough thing to do, and it is! However, I can assure you that it can also really change your outlook on yourself and your life.  You and your friends are in different stages of your lives and having different experiences.  That is FINE! Enjoy the gossip you get when your friends talk about their marriages and babies, but please don’t let that make you feel like you’re not having as much fun as them or that you’re not worthy of the same happiness.  I can assure you that you are and that romance will happen for you, but the more that you search for it, get down about it and worry about when it will find its way to you, the harder it will be to find.  In fact, most of the time the best things happen when we aren’t looking for them 🙂

I also mention the importance of focusing on yourself because this will help you to become more aware of who you are and what you are looking for in someone else. Have fun being single, and get yourself out there doing things that YOU enjoy.  Now is the time that you don’t need to compromise or worry about what anyone else may think.  You can do everything that you want, how great is that?! An added bonus is that, by going to events that interest you or taking up a hobby that’s always tickled your fancy, you have a very good chance indeed of meeting somebody with common interests, so if romance does blossom, you’ll have loads to chat and giggle about!

When I was 19, I made the decision to go and study in Australia for a year.  I left my friends, family, and my long term boyfriend behind.  Our relationship ended because of the distance but, do you know what?! It was one of the best things that ever happened to me.  I went out most nights with my girl-friends, enjoyed living and studying in a new country and said ‘YES’ to every opportunity that was offered to me.  I didn’t even kiss a guy for the whole year, because I was only interested in having the best experience possible, and I didn’t want anyone to become the centre of that experience and distract me.  I can honestly say it was the best year of my life, but only because I used the fact I was single in a positive way; I could’ve easily been really miserable too!

So, my ultimate advice is to have as much fun as you can, and I guarantee that when they see you laughing and smiling, the boys will be chasing you! 😉

All the best,
Em x

 

Oct 27

Is sex really all guys in their 20’s are looking for?

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Liz

“Hi Mik, Just over 6 months ago, I came out of my first relationship. It was an amazing time in my life, ok maybe relationship is the wrong word, we were dating for two months. The breakup hurt, but it wasn’t disasterous. He’s not talking to me but that’s fine, he obviously isn’t ready to be friends.

However, since that time I’ve been on a few dates and had quite a few guys said they were interested in me. They’re sweet, and funny, and seem genuine; until they turn around and tell me they are only interested in sex. Now I guess I kind of feel flattered, I’m a 24 year old woman with mild cerebral palsy, but I haven’t crossed that hurdle and I want to mean something, and for me to mean something to the other person, when I do decide that’s what I want.

My question is, is sex really all guys in their 20’s are looking for?

I have a really close relationship with a guy I met when I was on holiday in Florida when I was 16, but he lives in Australia, so that’s not really possible. He’s the only guy, at 26, around my age who I have actually had interested in me who’s not just interested in sex. I’m just wondering if I’m giving the ‘come try me’ signal but avoiding it entirely. I don’t want to apologise for being me, but I feel like this seems to be such a big draw for men.

Any sage words of advice would be greatly appreciated!”

Mik

Arh Lizzy, the age old question. Are boys in their 20’s only interested in one thing, sex? The short answer is no, but that’s not to say that they will admit that they want more. I was an aberration as I have always sought out a relationship rather than sex, which really freaked out some of my partners when I was in my 20’s. It’s also not just men who are interested in sex. My wife freely admits she went out with me at first as she fancied me and wanted to have sex with me. The relationship came out of the sex… tee hee.

So, what would I advise you? Well firstly, is it so bad that these guys are being truthful? I know that many women end up with broken hearts when they discover that the guy they thought wanted a relationship only wanted sex, and with these guys telling you like it is, you at least know what you’re getting in to. I also wonder is it such a bad thing to start out just having sex? As I said, that is how my marriage started and it’s getting stronger every day 26 years later. As well as not knowing if it will grow into something more, if you really fancy a few of these guys I wonder if a few nights of sweaty fun might not a good idea. Make some nice memories at least. Sure there’s the reputation issue, which is so sad in the 21st Century, but I would hope they weren’t the kind of guys to kiss and tell. Always an important thing to gauge before you jump into the sack.

As for your worry about that signals you are giving, I know your pain. My wife might have only wanted sex but I fancied her to bits. Apparently I was such a flirt she was sure I’d love her and leave her, so that is how she went in to the relationship. Luckily I trapped her with my charm and wit (?), but she was still attracted to how I was and I couldn’t have changed if I wanted. Please don’t over think the way you act with these guys. Be yourself and they will love it, or leave it, either way you win.

Actually, don’t over think it all. Men might say they want sex, and of course we do because we are mostly horny little devils, but we aren’t really that different from you ladies. We also want to be loved and secure and happy, but we just aren’t brought up to be able to say it. In a way their honesty shows how much they like you. If they really wanted just to have sex with you they’d say whatever they thought would get you in bed. Men can be bastards! Go out on a date with them, maybe even tumble into bed and see what occurs. It might turn out they were trying to be cool and they want as much from you as you think you want from them. If not, make sure the night was something to remember when you are old and past it!

To be honest, it’s so great to get a question from someone who is not finding their impairment isn’t a bar to finding love, sex and flowers. Get out there and let the world take you where it will, and enjoy the ride.

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