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Undressing Disability Archives | Page 4 of 8 | Enhance the UK

Jun 07
Sex when you have a stoma - a woman with long reddish hair sits on a bed holding a white duvet up and across her body

Sex when you have a stoma

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Hey Love Lounge team,
My question is about having sex when you have a stoma. I’m 19 and at college. I’ve got a big group of friends and a busy social life but I’ve yet to have a sexual experience. I have a stoma which I’m grateful for as it means I can live a normal life and eat and drink whatever I want. But my inexperience with sex means I’m just not sure how it would work for me in a practical sense. I do get chatted up in the pub but anything beyond flirting I close down straight away. I feel panicked about intimacy, but I know I need to get over that. My closest friends know my situation and try to be supportive but as their bodies are different to mine they can’t really help. Have you got any advice?

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us at the Love Lounge.
The good news is, we have just the person for you! Our good friend and colleague, Hannah Witton, has a stoma and talks a lot about sex and disability.  Hannah’s a fantastic YouTuber and her videos are always fun and educational.
In the video below she talks all about having sex when you have a stoma.

Her tips include:

  • emptying your stoma bag before sex
  • using stoma bags you can fold up during sex
  • and even wearing crotchless underwear to keep the stoma bag in place

So, have a watch and see if this helps you at all.

You’re only 19 – please don’t feel pressured to be doing everything your friends are doing. Only take the sexual steps that feel comfortable and right to you. And also please don’t let worrying about sex when you have a stoma make you feel any less sexy or worthy of attention and intimacy. I know lots of people who wish their partners would wear something lacy and sexy in the bedroom so, there might be that to thank your bag for in the long run!!
Good luck, and sending you all best wishes,
Em x
Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and on twitter @ETUKUndressing. Learn more about sex and disability by purchasing our ‘Undressing Disability’ ebook priced at £5.99 All proceeds go to support our charity.
Read more on our Love Lounge
Jun 07
Mum, I'm an adult! - a young man stands outside a block of high rise flats. He is wearing a striped tshirt and navy jacket. His arm is across his face in frustration

Mum, I’m an adult! Sex and Disability

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge questions

Mum I’m and adult!

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,
My Mum has very strong views and believes that sex is something that can only happen within marriage. I’m 25 and think about sex a lot. Like 99% of the time. I can’t access porn as Mum has blocked those channels on our internet. I can’t have my girlfriend stay over because of her house rules, and I can’t afford to move out. Mum disapproves of me staying at my girlfriends house, her parents are cool with it as long as I’m not there all the time. Fair enough, it’s not a big house.
I had an accident when I was 12 which meant for a few years I relied heavily on both my parents whilst I got my health and mobility back.  The cause of the majority of our shouting matches is down to Mum treating me like a child. I still have some issues with movement on my right side but it doesn’t stop me having a love life, a job or living my life. When I say ‘Mum, I’m an adult!’ she says she ‘only wants whats best for me’ but I feel suffocated, and a mixture of frustration and guilt. My parents separated last year and don’t get along so my father prefers to stay out of it.  Can you help? It’s really getting me down.

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us at the Love Lounge.
This is a really tough situation to be in, and a question we get asked a lot.
The key? Communication, communication, communication.
Whilst it’s so tempting to shout ‘Mum, I’m an adult!’, it sounds like you’re going to have to sit her down and explain how you feel a little.  Ask her if she’d feel the same if you hadn’t had your accident and weren’t disabled.

Is she worried that you’re vulnerable or could hurt yourself in any way?

If this is the case and she is treating you like a child through worry – calmly explain all the differences between when you were 12 and now. She might just need to see and understand from your point of view just how much you’ve changed and become a man.

Come to a compromise

Say that you are old enough to live your life, but you will respect her wishes whilst you are in her house. But this will mean that she will also need to compromise and relax when you stay over at your girlfriend’s place. And perhaps even support you to spend non-sexual time with your girlfriend – taking her on dates or having a baking afternoon in your mum’s kitchen, for example.
It might be that once your mum gets to know your girlfriend a little more instead of panicking about what you’re both doing behind closed doors, she’ll relax her rules a little. It might also be time to have an honest chat with your dad and ask for his support. Maybe you and your girlfriend could spend a bit of time at his place?
We really hope this helps – and good luck with starting a moving home piggy bank! 🙂
Em x
Have you got a question for our Love Lounge sexperts? Write in and we’ll reply privately to your question and then make it anonymous and share here on the website to help others in your situation.
Follow us on Instagram @UndressingDisability and on twitter @ETUKUndressing. Learn more about sex and disability by purchasing our ‘Undressing Disability’ ebook priced at £5.99 All proceeds go to support our charity.
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