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Oct 03
Wheelchair logo with heart

Pretenders, Devotees & Wannabes

By Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

Many of us with at least moderate awareness of the disability world are familiar with the concept of ‘devotees’ – a person with a specific sexual fetish related to disability or only interested in having relationships with a disabled person. This is usually relatively harmless when those involved feel safe, respected and are aware of one anothers intentions, much like in any other relationship.

But what happens when an able-bodied persons admiration for the disabled form transcends desire and becomes part of their perceived identity? This is where ‘pretenders’ and ‘wannabes’ come in. Both typically view themselves as being ‘trans-abled,’ where similarly to transgendered people they feel as though they have been born into the wrong body. They then often identify with one specific disability and then proceed to act it out either privately or publicly.

One such ‘pretender,’ only making himself known as Chris, was profiled in the recent American TV series ‘Seven Deadly Sins.’ Chris hides his pretender status from those around him but feels conflicted within himself when he is not in his wheelchair. Of his identity crisis he poignantly revealed that, “what I want my life to be like is what is the detriment of a lot of people’s lives, the worst thing that’s ever happened to them, and I think it would be the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Wannabes take things one step further and go to extraordinary lengths to deliberately become disabled, by perhaps amputating a limb or rendering themselves paraplegic, often with a very precise idea of the disability they identity with. A chilling post from DisabledPlanet.net’s ‘Wannabe and Pretender’s Forum’ reads: ‘I have seen a lot of amputee wannabe’s [on the forum] so far but, no paraplegic wannabe’s. I’m a 35 year old para pretender looking for chat. [sic] I’m serious about trying to get the job done. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas […] send a message.’

One blog entitled ‘Wheelchairconfession,’ tellingly unveils the link between devoteeism and pretending. For these people disability is not only their identity, it also excites them sexually. One blogger revealed that: ‘I told my girlfriend about my wheelchair. […] I started by telling her I had a fetish/fantasy about [having sex] while on my wheelchair. I proceeded to tell her that I’d like to try doing everyday things from a wheelchair.’ Another blogger laments the fact that he still keeps his pretender status secret from his partner but chronicles his excitement when she asks him to dress up in a pirate outfit, complete with a fake hook hand, in the bedroom. Infact, many ‘pretenders’ and ‘wannabes’ report having the sexual desire for disabled people first from a young age, which in turn progresses into the desire to BECOME a disabled person.

It is easy to see why people get riled up by ‘pretenders’ and ‘wannabes.’ Many truly disabled people find it hard to see why somebody would choose to have something that makes their life harder, or changed their life completely. They may feel like ‘pretenders’ do not understand the full seriousness of having a real disability and just enjoy the sympathy or attention stemming from it, or even that they are infringing on a culture that is rightly and wholly theirs.

However, the feeling of being ‘trans-abled’ is medically acknowledged as being a legitimate physiological condition known as Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID). Could this in itself then be acknowledged as a disability? Would there be limits on how these people choose to live their lives if they wanted access to the same amenities specifically reserved for genuinely disabled people? In a world where all minority groups are still fighting for their right to be heard and accepting people of all kinds is becoming increasingly regular dialogue in our society, should we just live and let live? There is, frankly, a Pandora’s box worth of questions and issues.

On one final note, an anonymous ‘pretender’ interviewed by ‘New Mobility.com’ had this to say: ‘Pretenders don’t hurt anyone, as long as they’re not trying to scam government benefits or taking services away from people who actually need them. We have a ‘fetish,’ an ‘interest,’ or even a ‘disorder’ — call it what you will, we’re just living our lives in the only way we really can.’

Sep 24
hands on jail bars

Deaf & Disabled Inmates – Sentenced to Isolation

By Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

Recently, the Deaf community was rocked by the news of the savage murder of Christopher Pennman by Awat Akram. Both men were Deaf and the motive for the crime was supposedly jealousy over a woman they both had had a relationship with.

Akram stabbed Pennman multiple times while he slept, defenceless, in his bed. To add to the horror and hardship, Akram then went on to deny his role in the murder and mislead the police in their investigation. He has now been sentenced to life in prison – a minimum of 28 years.

Akram’s crime was clearly deplorable and he deserves to be punished while the public are protected from him. Yet, disabled inmates in our country are typically consigned to paying a much higher price for their crimes than their able-bodied counterparts.

The HM Inspectorate of Prisons (2009) found that disabilities are largely under-reported in UK prisons, with deafness being no exception. Many Deaf and hard of hearing people use British Sign Language (BSL) to communicate, yet a HM Inspectorate of Prisons survey found that just 16 out of 82 disability liaison officers said they had BSL trained staff to help Deaf prisoners with daily activities. Therefore, these inmates will likely find themselves in a position where few (if any) BSL interpreters are available to them during their time in prison, which may be for the rest of their lives.

The detailed 2013 study ‘Not hearing us – An exploration of the experiences of deaf prisoners in English and Welsh prisons,’ suggests that being denied the basic right to communicate, quite rightly, causes feelings of extreme isolation and loneliness. If deaf prisoners are not able to communicate, they are not able to fully assimilate into prison life which in turn reduces their likelihood of reform.

Despite prisons being covered by the Equality Act 2010 many Deaf inmates were still experiencing problems with access to education – a major tool in their rehabilitation. One hearing impaired inmate even claimed that he could not access 90% of prison classes without a support worker.

Enhance the UK believes that by implementing disability awareness training and sign language courses into prisons for prison staff, these issues can be more efficiently and economically dealt with than they currently are.

97% of all offenders say they want to stop offending and the biggest factor (68%) helping them do this is having a job and prospects. When you do not invest in a minority group in prison, much like in regular society, you are already robbing them of any hope of turning their lives around. When offenders have something constructive to focus on and a chance to better themselves, our community as a whole benefits.

Aug 21
The Undressing Disability shoot 2013 in front of Big Ben, London

Undressing ‘Undressing Disability’

By Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

About five years ago I took my 32-year-old friend, Andy, who has cerebral palsy on a trip to Amsterdam to visit a sex worker. Although he is funny, open minded and a football coach with a university degree, he was yet to have a sexual experience.

After the trip, he told me that he didn’t think it had gone well because he didn’t orgasm immediately and it surprised me that he would think that way.

It then made me realise that, along with many other physically disabled people, Andy is knowledgeable and sociable in many areas but when it came to sex he didn’t know the basics. This was not only because he had never experienced it, but also that no one had ever educated him. When I returned from Amsterdam I began researching what sex education was available for disabled people like Andy, but found very little. That really scared me.

I founded Enhance the UK in 2009 with the aim of changing society’s perception of disability as well as empowering and supporting physically disabled and sensory impaired people to live full, active lives. In 2012, we ran a campaign called Undressing Disability and produced calendars featuring all disabled models donning nothing but their underwear, poised in front of iconic London backdrops. We wanted to celebrate the disabled form while raising awareness of our inclusive Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) program in collaboration with leading youth sexual health and education providers, Brook, which is the backbone to our entire evolving campaign.

Currently, there is no UK government policy recognising that physically disabled young people require specialised SRE. In a 2013 survey we conducted, 69% of people thought their disability should have been taken into consideration in SRE and 100% observed that it was never even addressed. Physical disabilities are often placed under the same disability ‘umbrella’ as people with learning disabilities when in reality the two deserve and require different attention.

Physically disabled people who rely on full time carers to wash, dress and feed them run the risk of becoming desexualised despite them having regular, healthy, adult urges. Being looked after in this way makes those around them forever view them in a childlike way.

Through my own disability of degenerative hearing loss, I am acutely aware of the issues the deaf community face in terms of SRE. A recent survey by the charity Deafax found that 67 per cent of deaf people received inaccessible sex education and 45 per cent of those people said it was because they could not understand teachers. One deaf girl told Deafax that she didn’t know anything about sex, contraception or relationships when she left school. She said: “There was never anyone to ask who could explain properly to me in sign language. I didn’t know how many sexual partners were ‘normal’.”

As part of Undressing Disability we’ve launched‘The Love Lounge,’ a safe space on our website where users can ask our panel any questions related to sex, relationships and disability. No topic is off limits and we would encourage queries, not only from our disabled users, but their partners and parents too. We want to encourage discussion on these seemingly ‘taboo’ topics and create a caring sense of community.

We are pleased to introduce media personality and prominent disabled activist, Mik Scarlet and presenter and writer Emily Yates as our ‘Love Lounge’ experts. Mik and Emily are also two of our very talented disability awareness trainers so are used to addressing all kinds of issues.

The truth is that disabled people have sex and disabled people like sex. But they don’t have access to the same advice and support as their peers. We need to stop the stigma and address the ‘awkward’ questions nobody else will so that disabled people can enjoy safe, healthy and fulfilling sex lives, just like everyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apr 24

Campaigning for human rights! by Caroline Dempsey

By Disability, Lifestyle One Comment

It’s easy for me to say that I can focus on what I have, not what I don’t have, or on what I can do, not on what I can’t do. But for a disabled person, it’s much more difficult to find the positives. Some I speak to admit that on the face of it, they give the impression of confidence, but in private, the story is very different. They suffer with poor body image, lack of self-esteem and self-worth, their attempts to have a satisfying sex life presents them with problems not only in regard to their physical ability, but also their physiological capabilities. As much as I encourage and want to help with enabling my clients to enjoy sex (either with me or with another), I cannot imagine how much anxiety and frustration they must endure.

I recently attended a SHADA conference (The Sexual Health and Disability Alliance). There must have been over 40 professionals there, all with the same ambition, and that’s to enable those with disabilities to express themselves sexually whenever they need to. That’s whether they’re in care or at home, and however bad their condition is. It was fantastic to be amongst so many who felt so passionate and who are willing to do all they can for the cause. Dr Tuppy Owens, the founder, is a shining example of someone who won’t give up. She’s been a serial campaigner for years and won’t rest when it comes to gaining support for those who can’t get it themselves.

Of course, there are many laws around enabling the disabled to have sex, or to call on sex workers, but we learned at the conference that the laws are simply breaching basic human rights. There are many myths surrounding them and in fact, many lawyers don’t even seem to know them clearly. If it’s consensual, adult and done in private, that’s a human right. A ‘right to fun’ is a human right, and so on. It was said that ‘criminal law’ has no place in the bedroom. I stress, if the act is consensual and pleasurable for all, then no, it does have no place in the bedroom (or whatever room you choose).

By law, people working within the disability sector must support human rights – by law! They must support the sexual expression of their client. It is a breach of Duty of Care not to enable sexual expression. It’s more of a breach than not supporting safeguarding! The trouble is that folk are concerned that they’re not supporting protective rights enough, and are therefore raising the bar further in order to supplement their efforts. Trouble is, this is breaching human rights even further. Although a well-meant act, it’s having the opposite effect.

A prime example of this was highlighted by another speaker. She is a highly qualified professional and a highly respected member amongst her peers. But officially speaking, because she’s 60% deaf, the Sexual Offences Act recognises that she is unable to consent to sex, and it is therefore seen as rape. Go figure. It’s a human rights violation!

One of the speakers was a lad in a wheelchair who very honestly explained that when he wanted to lose his virginity, he had to think for a long time about how he would go about it. He was living with his mum and couldn’t discuss it with her, of course. However, he eventually went ahead and he achieved exactly what he wanted, but it wasn’t easy for him. I’ve heard this from so many people of all ages. Sometimes the embarrassment factor is greater, the older the person gets. Another girl spoke of her experience when, a few years ago, she got some help in enabling her to have sex with a partner. It didn’t go according to plan and the person helping, instead of speaking to her, spoke to her social worker directly. This destroyed any trust she held around that person and made her very cautious for the future.

Needless to say, there’s a lot going on in the background to raise awareness and to support this sector in any way possible to make sure they get the help that’s so desperately needed. But in light of the fact that gays have pretty much now become mainstream, who knows, perhaps disabled people will be given resources galore to help them express themselves fully sexually. I hope this can happen quickly, I really do.

For more from Caroline Dempsey visit her website.

Mar 13
Submerged Flood Sign

If Floods are Here to Stay, How Will We Reduce the Risks to Disabled People? By Emily Buchanan

By Business, Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

Whilst floods impact everyone, they are especially challenging for the elderly and people with disabilities. “Depending on the severity of the mobility issue,” writes Gerry Bucke, manager of Chartwell Mobility Insurance Services, “some people may require assistance to leave their homes. Negotiating floodwater in a wheelchair or mobility scooter is virtually impossible and if people become trapped, they can be exposed to water-borne diseases, raw sewage and the dangers of waiting for rescue.”

UK January Rainfall GraphUnfortunately, flooding like we’ve seen in the past few months is going to occur more frequently. A 2013 UN report on climate change confirms that human behaviour has caused global temperatures to increase. This has caused arctic sea ice to melt, sea levels to rise and record levels of precipitation.

So if extreme weather is here to stay, what is being done to reduce the risk to the nation’s elderly and disabled people?

In truth, shamefully little. Even after the floods of 2007, which were deemed the biggest peacetime civil emergency since the Second World War, only a fraction of money for flood risk reduction now goes to helping local communities build their own resilience and action plan.

What can we learn for other countries?

Other countries, such as Bangladesh and the Philippines, have shown just how effective risk reduction plans can be. According to CAFOD’s disaster risk reduction adviser Dr Kate Crowley, Bangladeshi communities hold regular town meetings to plan evacuation strategies, ensuring that people with disabilities and the elderly are always taken care of.

Similarly, the tiny Philippines island of Tulang Diyot evacuated every one of its 1,000 residents before Typhoon Yolanda – a vicious storm which went on to flatten every building on the island. It was all down to risk reduction and prioritising the rescue of vulnerable residents.

However, there are also many countries struggling with the disability issue of disaster management. Statistics from the Japanese earthquake and tsunami in 2011 show that the mortality rate among people with disabilities was double that of the rest of the affected population. Sae Kani, who has worked across Southeast Asia with disabled people, said, “They are always the last ones to be counted. They don’t come to collect the emergency relief items… they are always invisible.”

This issue was embodied at the Global Platform for Disaster Risk Reduction by 11-year-old Danh from Vietnam. Danh has a physical disability and told the conference how frightened he was when his Quang Nam village flooded. “From that experience, whenever I see floods and rain, I feel very scared. I beg you: please develop a flood preparedness plan and evacuate kids with disabilities to a safe place, and please teach us and our family members about how to be ready for floods.”

How should we adapt?

As extreme weather becomes more of an issue, the UK needs to “encourage locally-managed disaster risk reduction, and introduce more community flood forums which would help vulnerable people living on flood plains to adapt and plan ahead,” says the CAFOD.

Historically, the changeability of British weather has made it very difficult to prepare for extremes. Our weather patterns fluctuate according to the position of the jet stream, meaning we experience exceptionally cold, warm or windy weather for short periods of time. However, research suggests that the recent warming of the Arctic has caused the jet stream to change, sending “conveyor belts” of weather to the UK that stay for longer periods of time, which explains the increased levels of rain.

Whilst the floods of 2013/14 do not equate to the typhoons of the Philippines or the earthquakes of Japan, our climate is changing and vulnerable people are at risk. Therefore, disaster risk reduction needs to be disability inclusive, and communities need to have access to resources that allow them to plan evacuation strategies, ensuring that people with disabilities and the elderly are always taken care of.

Feb 21

I really want to date but I don’t know when to mention the ‘D’ word…

By Disability, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge One Comment

Actions speak louder than words. You don’t even need to mention the D word to actually go on a date!
Step One: Select something exciting that you’d like to do with your beau.

Why? Studies show that when we spend time with people in adrenaline heightened situations we find them more attractive, and they will find us more attractive too. This will give you the chance to go on an “invisible date.” You know it’s a date but they don’t! For them, you just had a fun time out together. For you, it is the first step in getting to know them better and deciding if you want to take this relationship further and into the bedroom.

From there you can just keep getting to know them with more “invisible dates.” When you are clear you want to take things further, go in for a snog. After the first kiss it is clearly time to start using the D word and not long after that you can graduate to calling them your boyfriend/girlfriend!

Dec 19
mistletoe

A Kiss Under The Mistletoe from Enhance the UK

By Disability, Lifestyle One Comment

The true meaning of Christmas ‘Undressing Disability’

Undressing Disability 2014 calendarEnhance the UK has been lucky enough to have a really happy and successful 2013. As you may have noticed, our ‘Undressing Disability’ campaign gathered global media attention and our calendars were flying off the shelves to the far corners of the world, most notably becoming a surprise hit in America. It’s pretty surreal seeing ourselves mentioned on Twitter nearly every day and generally popping up all over the web.

It turns out that disabled people in their pants is something you all want to see! As we hoped, the images are getting everyone talking and taking a closer look at some issues that are so rarely on the top of the agenda. Sex is still such a taboo subject in our otherwise increasingly progressive society and when you’re adding disability into the mix, people really start to squirm in their seats.

Our campaign, message and purpose is actually more complex than it first may appear. The initial goal was to make people realise that, of course, disabled people have the same wants and needs as everybody else and do not have to shy away in the backgrounds of society or apologise for their bodies. It is often forgotten that disability is something that could happen to anyone at anytime.

We asked for donations for the calendar to help fund our inclusive Sex and Relationships Education programme for young people with physical disabilities in collaboration with Brook, as currently no such facility exists. Without specifically tailored information to your needs you simply cannot properly learn about the risks able-bodied people have drilled into them about pregnancy and STI’s, leaving you vulnerable. Not only that, but you learn to not be ashamed of having sexual feelings and are taught to identify an abusive relationship, something disabled people of both genders are sadly high at risk to.

2014 will see us drive our project with full force and not only that, we want to become your number one online resource for everything sex and disability. Please start sending in the pressing queries YOU want answered by our ‘Love Lounge’ sexpert Sam Von Rood or our gay ‘Agony Uncle’ Andrew Morrison-Gurza to info@enhancetheuk.org

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

We hope you have an ‘Undressing’ calendar under your tree!

2014 is set to be our sexiest year yet and we just can’t wait to start it!

Dec 04
Caroline Dempsey

I started escorting about 15 years ago… (Blog 4) by Caroline Dempsey

By Disability, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

Caroline Dempsey

Within my work, I meet the most wonderful, open, honest, people.  At the end of the day, all most human beings want is to be held, loved, to feel safe and to be part of a relationship. That relationship can mean with others, or a wonderful life journey with oneself. At some point, we embark on learning about ourselves and others and for this self-development, we often look for a helping hand from a friend or loved one. I am privileged to have been contacted by a beautiful man who is on a journey to re-discover his connection with intimacy; with himself and with his partner, whom he loves very much indeed. Together we’ll carefully explore, until making honouring and delicious love with his wife becomes the norm once again.

His first step wasn’t easy, though and he has very kindly written his story to share here:

 

 

“Lacking confidence, self esteem, not wanting to make a fool of myself, not to let myself or others down, I guess these are the feelings I have. This could cover a multitude of things, but for me at this moment in time, it’s sex.

It’s not a recent thing either. It’s been building, I guess, for the past few years. But, after a lot of soul searching, I thought it was time I did something about it; for myself and for my relationship. The hardest part is admitting to one’s self that there is something wrong. After that, it’s trying to fathom what the best way is to tackle it. I did quite a bit of surfing the net, seeing if there were others out there that may be in the same boat, trying to see if there was somebody out there who could help.

I’m a T5 paraplegic (paralysed from the chest down). Had my accident in the mid 80’s and now I’m in my mid 40’s. I’m pretty active and fit, have a good job and a wonderful family. Really, things are pretty good, my partner and I are very close. We have been through a lot in the 10-plus years we’ve been together and are stronger as a couple for it. The only downside is our love life, and now for fear of losing so much, I’ve decided to act.

I had my accident just at the time I was beginning to find out all about girls, so that initially set me back. Although I had had some sexual experience, it was certainly very limited. However, I wasn’t a bad looking lad, had a bit of a gift of the gab and so had my fair share of girlfriends in my late teens and early 20s. I was very sexual and enjoyed every part of lovemaking and my girlfriends also seemed to enjoy it as well. During these early relationships I wasn’t bothered that I didn’t climax and it never seemed to be an issue to others either. Although I was told at the spinal unit that there’d be no problem with me having kids, I didn’t think I would ever climax and wasn’t sure what feeling I was looking for and what to expect. Prior to my accident I masturbated quite a lot, so I knew the plumbing had worked at some point. I had tried masturbating a few times in the early years after my accident, but don’t think I ever got close.

This all changed one Saturday morning with a girl who’d I’d been dating for quite a few months. We were having a nice time, messing about as you do. I’d asked her to climb on me, I was just lying flat on the bed, but this time she faced away from me, straddling me. I’m not sure why, but for some reason this seemed to really hit my spot, a feeling I’d not had before. I think the fact that we were both relaxed yet very aroused also helped. Anyway, I did manage to climax, though to be honest, I wasn’t completely sure!! I can just remember an unbelievable surge through my body, lightness in my head and then a feeling of total bliss, almost as if a great weight had been lifted from me. I felt so relaxed, it was amazing.

This now was the problem, because I had experienced this, I wanted it more. However, it soon became apparent that it wasn’t going to work every time, and although frustrating, not the end of the world. We tried a few positions and the one that worked best for me at the time was me lying on the bed with my feet on the floor, my backside just on the edge of the bed, then my partner standing over me, with her back to me. This had the greatest success, but by no means 100%.

My next girlfriend is now my current partner. In the early years of our relationship we had a very active sex life. I do remember her asking me quite early in our relationship specifically ‘can you have children,’ to which I replied ‘yes’. We also adopted this position for me and again occasionally I would climax. After a couple of years we decided to try for a family, and this is where I feel my current situation manifested itself.

As is normal now, nature takes over so it’s all a case of timing. I now had the added pressure of ‘performing’ on cue. Typically, with the added pressure and all that goes with it, more usual than not I wouldn’t reach orgasm. There’s the usual ‘oh, it doesn’t matter, hopefully next time,’ but of course this doesn’t help things, and I became more frustrated and basically stopped enjoying any of the process. There it is, ‘process,’ that’s what lovemaking had become!

So, after a couple of years trying naturally, we went down the route of IVF. At first all seemed ok, although I had to have sperm surgically removed, which isn’t a great issue, but it would have been nice to have been able to do it ‘myself’ so to speak. We had eggs fertilised, placed back to where they should be, all looked very good but they never would ‘stick’ there. We had all sorts of tests, but to no avail. Nobody knew why we weren’t conceiving, which probably was the hardest fact. Again, this went on for a couple of years. Physically and emotionally it is destroying, but we came through it and as a couple were much stronger for it. I know a lot of couples who have not made it through this process, but I feel very proud that we have.

Still wanting a family, we decided to look at adoption. Again, it’s another process, more bureaucratic this time, but still a long process. There’s a lot of questions asked, some very personal, including ‘how’s your sex life?’ to which we replied ‘perfect!’ We both knew this was a lie, but I guess that’s what people do, it’s hard to admit.  However, the outcome for us has been fantastic and we feel we have the perfect family!

During all this time though our sex life began to dwindle. For me there seemed no enjoyment. I felt as if I had that passion, drive, beaten out of me, and I didn’t feel anything coming back the other way either. We kiss and cuddle, hold each other, but at the moment that’s as far as it goes. We occasionally speak to each other about it, but it doesn’t come up very often and we seem to soon move off the subject.

During the IVF it was suggested I bought a ‘penile vibrator’ by Ferticare, specifically produced to assist spinal injured guys to climax. So I did. Unlike some other sex toys, this looks very medical, even the colour of it makes it look like a piece of medical equipment, rather than something you’d want to use in the bedroom. Because of this, I have never used it with anybody else, it has always been when I’m on my own, and when I first had it, it was just used to ‘clear the pipes’ so to speak. It was never sexual, just a piece of equipment I used. However, it did do what it was meant to do, but again, it’s far from 100% and it can take quite a while. For years it sat in the back of a draw and was never used; I had no urge to use it. I’m not sure what changed, maybe I was feeling a little aroused, may be even bored at home alone one evening about 18 months ago, but I decided to get it out.

Well, it may have been because it had been a while, it didn’t take me long, but I achieved an orgasm, and I must admit it was a fantastic feeling. It still didn’t feel particularly sexual, almost dirty as if I shouldn’t have done it, but there was certainly that release that I had felt the first time I had climaxed all those years back. After that I began to use it more often, only when I got the chance and was on my own and knew I wouldn’t be interrupted. I guess it was about once a month, may be twice. The more I used it, the more sexual it became, the more I enjoyed it. However, I didn’t always climax and sometimes it took a long time if I did manage to. When I didn’t, I felt quite low and I remember how I felt before when I didn’t perform ‘on cue’. I get so close, but can’t quite get over the top. I feel as if there’s another ‘button’ to press, something that would just make it happen that little bit easier. I know that until I can find that, I can’t see me using this vibrator with my partner.  When I do orgasm, it is so body evoking, so explosive that I want to share this, I want her to see me enjoy it for what it should be. I know my climaxing isn’t the be all and end all and there is more to it, but I just want to have the confidence that if we do go that far, I get the outcome that I want, and I know she would want it to.

What I really want is to be able to is to climax during lovemaking; is it too much to ask? Right now I want to find that elusive position, the special technique that will allow this, but in a loving, passionate, lustful way with my partner. I want to share that moment I climax with her. Is this the quest for my ‘Holy Grail?’

As I said at the beginning, I want to find my confidence again, confidence in myself, my ability to turn my partner on. I know that I can’t go in all guns blazing, it’s been too long. But I also don’t want to go in all ‘fingers and thumbs’ and put her off and go into this whole cycle again. I know this will divide opinion, but I feel as if I can approach this as I did when I trained for sport. I had a coach that would help me, make me better, help my technique, show me what to do, pass on their experience, allow me to practice, to take what I had and give me the best opportunity of fulfilling my goal.

So, after much deliberation, I decided to make contact with somebody who I hoped would be able to help me. I wasn’t too hopeful, mainly because I wasn’t sure what I wanted, or if indeed it was something I could find help for. Again, I did as much research and reading as I could and I eventually summoned the courage to contact Caroline Dempsey. She let me have her email address so I could write down my concerns, feelings and what I would dearly like to happen, and to see if she thought she could help me. So I did, I think it’s easier to write down those initial feelings, and sent it off to her.

Soon I’d got a reply and it was with great relief when I read what she’d written. She was so very understanding and I immediately felt as if she understood my predicament, and suggested that she could indeed offer to help me.

So, we met for a coffee and I was able to explain more, it was nice to be able to talk to somebody. My feeling from the email was enhanced, and after some initial nervousness and trepidation, I now feel as if I have found somebody to help me. It is still very early, we have only met once and exchanged further emails, but I am hoping that there will be a successful outcome. My greatest feeling is that she understands what I want and is willing to help me, and it is this that has helped me get over the feeling of guilt that I should even be doing this, but I feel as if I had to, for me, my partner and my family.

I hope soon to be able to bring you the next episode on this journey of discovery and I would dearly like to think that I can help others out there in a similar situation and I also look forward to hearing from other people and how they have tackled such issues, as I do believe I’m not a lone voice.”

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