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Portrait of Lauren

Introducing… New Blogger 14 year old Lauren Jessica

By Disability, Lifestyle, My story No Comments

Portrait of Lauren About Me.

Hi. I’m Lauren Jessica. I’m 14 years old and I have a condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy type 2, or SMA2 for short. This means that I am confined to a wheelchair and cannot weight bare at all. I have struggled with my emotional side for a while now, and I am still battling. I find it hard to confide in people and I’m not a big talker unless I’m around my closest friends, or talking to people over the internet.

  Here I am. 🙂

I’m blonde, I have blue eyes, and I LOVE bright colours. My favourite kind of music is heavy metal/rock and I love cats.

Things I find difficult/that anger me:

  • Curbs that don’t have a lowered side so I can cross the road.
  • Friends houses that I can’t get into due to steps outside.
  • Being confined to my wheelchair and not being able to move myself without assistance. 
  • HAVING TO RELY ON SOMEBODY 24/7.

Things that I enjoy/make me happy:

  • Being able to be a strong minded individual.
  • Having freedom.
  • Caring for others/making other people happy.
  • People that offer great advice and somebody that’s a great listener!

I’d like to think that I’m a good listener and that I’m able to give substantial advice.

I also believe that I’m a kind and bubbly person.

a woman's back, the top of her black lacy knickers is visible and a man is undoing her black lace bra

Sexuality, Sensuality, Surrogates & Stripping Off (by Bella Hoy)

By Disability, Lifestyle, My story 2 Comments

Feeling like a sexual being, particularly with a physically disabling condition, can be something that society tries to rob you of. Relatives and carers may see sexuality as one of the last things to worry about with any given condition and those with disabilities can be left confused and uneducated about their bodies.

But denying perfectly natural sexual feelings can lead to frustration, loss of self worth and lack of confidence. Where there may not be the presence of a partner, sex therapists and surrogates can help delicately over come the personal issues associated with relationships and sexual discovery. While sex therapists work on the psychological and emotional problems a client may have concerning sex, a sex surrogate combines this while also working physically with the clients body. As vital an experience this has been for many disabled people, surrogacy has also proven to be a minefield of moral debate and a legal grey area. As the current UK law stands, sex work is legal as long as it is between two consensual adults and it is done privately. However, the socially ingrained image conjured up at the mere mention of a sex worker seems to be one of a vulnerable young woman. This then leads onto a whole separate, and rightly important, debate about women’s rights. But sex work is not a black and white issue, and where the system can be abused in horrifying ways, the good that can come of it when used responsibly is unmatched. It can empower and emotionally reward the workers (both female AND male) who CHOOSE this profession and it is no over statement to say that the work they do can essentially change their clients’ lives.

The hit 2012 film The Sessions starring Helen Hunt brought to life the thought provoking true story of the late poet-writer-activist Mark O’Brien. Originally an article written by him in the Eighties, it chronicles his emotional and physical journey with a surrogate. Mark contracted polio at a young age and was severely disabled from it, spending a large chunk of his life in an iron lung, a large machine encompassing his whole body to aid with breathing. He had sex for the first time at the age of 36. Because of his disability and his families’ Catholic moral code he was left with the assumption ‘that people should emulate the asexuality of Barbie and Ken.’

Finally feeling able to confront his inner demons, after just his first talk with a sex therapist, Mark felt that he ‘could take charge of [his] sexuality and cease thinking of it as something alien.’ After much deliberation, overcoming life long reservations about his body and the unfamiliarity of the opposite sex, he eventually has sessions with a surrogate. He learns that ‘sex is a part of ordinary living, not an activity reserved for gods, goddesses and rock stars,’ and emotionally recalls after his first sexual experience: ‘For the first time, I felt glad to be a man.’ His surrogate uses a variety of techniques and exercises with him in order to explore and feel secure in his body such as simple body massage. One of the most moving parts of the article is when his surrogate strokes his hair and tells him that it feels nice. Mark is emotionally mature enough to realise that his surrogate is not a full relationship replacement and usually they limit the sessions they have with a client so this type of bond does not form. Yet her simple words give Mark a kind of boost that he’d never experienced before, and he interestingly feels that, ‘having at least one attractive feature helped me to feel more confident.’

Picture from the film SessionsHis story shows just how beneficial this work can be and through the surrogates, clients can learn that being confident, sensual and sexual doesn’t necessarily have to come from other people’s perceived perceptions. It instead could be regarded as an internal attitude shift and a gradual acceptance of self, but of course nobody is saying that comes easy. Insecurities are an inevitable part of human nature time to time, but the niche practices of Naturists (or Nudists) are in a different league of acceptance.

Maybe we could all take a leaf out of their free hanging book and learn to flaunt our form, no matter what shape it’s in. It may sound extreme, and perhaps not for everyone, but it has been suggested that more people with disabilities could learn to embrace the naked way of life. Not only does it help people get used to their bodies in a non-sexualised atmosphere, it can even be more practical and enjoyable whilst partaking in activities such as swimming which require awkward changing rituals. Naturists are a friendly and never judgmental bunch, occasionally misunderstood; they are always willing to show new people what they’re all about.

At the risk of sounding too flowery, sensuality can start with just being in tune to the world around you. Appreciating touch, sights and smells in everyday life can all help with getting to know your body, and far from being afraid of it, understand its power. As Mark discovered, sexual exploration is not a luxury and is just as fundamental and natural as eating or breathing. Knowing your own personal wants, needs and boundaries is essential before even considering a partner. And once those things are established, it can be hard to resist someone with that much self-respect.

Read more about the late Mark O’Brien’s film via the link below.

Sex Surrogacy and Disability on the Silver Screen

Resources
· TLC-trust.org.uk – Designed to connect disabled people to responsible sex workers, they have profiles of many surrogates from around the country, a forum and further links related to disability and sex.

 

 

Caroline Dempsey

I started escorting about 15 years ago… (Blog 2) by Caroline Dempsey

By Disability, Lifestyle, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Caroline Dempsey

I ended my last blog with a poem, written from the heart (by a songwriter, not me!), about how wonderful a gift that giving is.  Some joke that giving is selfish, because it feels so good to do it.  For me, that’s the right way to give; no strings, unconditionally.  When I visit a client as an escort, I feel excitement, not just sexual, but like I do when I give someone a present and I can’t wait for them to open it, to see the look on their face, hoping they’ll like it!

I want my clients to be happy, of course.   But I try to understand their needs as early on as I can, whatever they are, and some requests I get are as uncomplicated as ‘being held’.  So I try to feel connected to my clients as soon as possible, so they get the best of me, get what’s best for them, and I can do as they ask.  That way, we both enjoy the experience and give to each other.  I like to have a chat on the phone first to find out what they want, so when I arrive, the ice is broken, sort of thing, and they can let me know if there are any particular requirements that’ll make my visit the best it can be.

I do believe, though, that a really important thing is, if it’s at all possible, to be able to ask for what you want.  We can’t be truly ‘present’ if we’re distracted by thoughts of something, even as simple as needing to go to the bathroom, or wanting a drink of water, or wanting to move a part of the body to get more comfortable.  And if our needs are more like, “I wish I could be kissed like this,” “I wish we could just cuddle,” or “I would like to know how to please her/him, but I don’t know how to say it,” then sharing the message becomes even more important.  But things like this can be difficult for someone to convey, perhaps if speech is difficult, or if it’s been some time since intimacy, if ever, in which case, the right words may not exist.  How could they?  Shyness, embarrassment, fear of rejection; these are all things that can prevent us from speaking out.  But I always find a way in the end!  Just with a little mutually exchanged patience, usually.

Caroline DempseyOften, our conditioning has taught us that asking for what we want is wrong, especially if it’s very personal to us, and particularly if it’s to do with sex.  Many of us were taught that sex shouldn’t be spoken openly about, should be kept private, perhaps it’s rude or dirty.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

There are a million ways to give and receive pleasure.  As many as you can think up.   But the same reasons that prevent us from speaking out can also prevent us from finding ways to give and receive pleasure, whether with another or on our own.  It’s our right to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh – everybody’s right, we deserve pleasure!  I’m just sorry that more don’t recognise this – it’s important to the well-being of everyone.  Sex is a great healer.  But also sex isn’t about ‘performance’.  It’s about taking time to really feel and enjoy the other person, really wanting to please, taking time to understand and find out what makes them glow.   And it’s just as important to know how to pleasure ourselves, using feeling, wanting, and time, for ourselves, in just the same way.

I’ve recently begun visiting an older gent in his own home who has had mobility problems for many years now, due to an operation that went wrong.  He’s such a lovely man and very spritely for his advanced years and for someone who can’t get about!  He talks to me about his family, makes me tea and offers me cakes.  He also makes sure there’s plenty of time for pleasure.  There’s no intercourse, but that doesn’t matter.  And thank goodness he understands that there’s no expectation of performance.  It’s just the mutual exchange of caring, love and respect.  My clients are so special.  They’re all so different and mean so much to me.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to visit a lovely guy who’s been wheelchair-bound for 20 years due to a scuba-diving accident.  He’s 42 now and lives in the care of a Leonard Cheshire facility.  He was pronounced brain-dead and was in a coma for six months.  He’s a miracle!  He can’t walk or stand unaided and needs full-time care.  However, he hasn’t experienced any kind of intimacy since before his accident and he has, as you can imagine, missed it!  So not only has he had to contend with coming back to life, coming to terms with his disability, and maintaining as healthy a life as possible, but he also has all the feelings that a red-blooded male has.  Of course he does!  I was privileged to be his first sexual experience in all that time and it was passionate, and lovely.   We chatted at first, got to know each other and had a few laughs about different things.  He has a positive and inquisitive mind and keeps himself busy writing, amongst other things, and swimming when he can.

I consider myself fortunate to be in the sex industry, I’m taught so much, but I’m saddened at just how closed people are when it comes to discussing the needs of those who can’t make their own arrangements, like the guy I just mentioned.  Arranging my visit to him wasn’t made easy because there’s no way to facilitate it.  It should be a simple procedure so that disabled and those cared for are able to have as normal a sex life as the rest of us.

I mentioned in my last blog about carers at the care home I visit my gentleman with cerebral palsy not making eye contact with me.  I can appreciate that they may be embarrassed, but I would love them to engage with me, so I could speak to them about their clients’ needs.  I could help them understand that their residents aren’t asexual, and how easy it would be for them to help.  I suppose it’s because I’m older, but I find it hard to think of someone in the ‘caring’ profession denying their clients something as natural as eating, breathing and sleeping.   I can feel a soapbox moment coming on……

Caroline Dempsey

I started escorting about 15 years ago… (by Caroline Dempsey)

By Disability, Lifestyle, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Caroline DempseyI started escorting about 15 years ago. I needed to make some money to get out of debt and so I thought I’d give it a try. It’s not for everyone, but somehow I knew I could do it – and enjoy it.  I was living in Manchester at the time and called a random number from the Manchester Evening News. I spoke to a lovely lady who eventually took me under her (mature) wing and guided me through the early months until I gained confidence.  At this, I signed up with three agencies, got the work and got out of debt. For me it was ideal. I had a full time job which acted as a professional facade for me and escorted in my spare time, which built my confidence, self-esteem and bank balance.

A few years on, I fell in love with a client. All very ‘Pretty Woman’-style. He swept me off my feet and I thought he was the sliced bread. Obviously he didn’t want me to continue escorting, so I didn’t – for almost eight years – during which time, we reached our fun and sexual peak together, then gradually slid down the muddy hillside into a swamp of disrespect and, ultimately, the end of the relationship. By this time, I felt empty, unloved and unappreciated, but realised it was my own fault for hanging on for so long.  I’m sure he felt exactly the same, but we weren’t communicating by then and didn’t realise how much we were hurting each other. We saw the signs and ignored them. Everything’s a lesson, though.

Still, all that’s behind me, thank goodness, and in fact, we’re friends now!  Where’s this leading? Well, after I’d grieved the loss of being in a couple (even though it wasn’t nurturing, I still missed ‘something’), I found myself wandering back to thoughts of escorting. Some years older, yes, but my attitude towards the art itself had altered. I wanted to go back to it, but, because I was more mature, and because my love of people in general had increased a thousand-fold, I realised I wanted to do it for giving, not for taking.

Please let me explain myself. During my early years, I had a mixture of clients, some able-bodied and others who weren’t so. I always gave of my best, and never got any complaints, but on thinking back, I also realised that my thoughts towards them were no different. Not in any way whatsoever. Nevertheless, the money got was very important, as this was helping my personal cause.

Caroline DempseyComing to the present day, I’m happy to say I have a number of clients whom I have the greatest respect for, whatever their wishes and, again, they are a mixture of bodies. But what’s driving me more and more these days is my frustration at the fact that so little attention is given, and respect paid, to the needs of those not physically able to contact a sex worker, and, in many cases those who’re unable to self-pleasure.

I’m disappointed that, when I visit the care home to see a lovely gentleman with cerebral palsy, the carers won’t make eye contact with me. He, himself, was concerned that he’d be embarrassed in front of the staff about my visits, yet was desperate for some intimacy. His dignity is vehemently maintained, of course, and he and I share some wonderful time together.

Intimacy – a beautiful word.  Most people think it means sex, but there are many levels to intimacy, even before nudity or touching of skin on skin.  Sex – another beautiful word, also with many meanings. My heart goes into my work, whatever the ability of my client. My client is the only person on the earth when we’re together. It’s their time; whether we’re talking, holding hands, kissing, caressing, or having intercourse – and everything in between. Notice I didn’t say ‘just’ at any point. There’s no ‘just’ about people connecting. Every single one of us deserves it; human contact; affection; intimacy; friendship with benefits; however you term it. When we experience it, we feel high on natural elixir. It’s the best healing we can give, and in giving, we receive. I’m grateful for the opportunity to constantly learn from my clients.

Here’s a beautiful poem about this very subject:

I never feel more given to than when you take from me, when you understand the joy I feel giving to you.

And you know my giving isn’t done to put you in my debt, but because I want to live the love I feel for you.

To receive with grace may be the greatest giving.

There’s no way I can separate the two.

When you give to me, I give you my receiving.

When you take from me, i feel so given to.

Nice, eh?

Andy Trollope

Meet Andy Trollope – Professional Moto X Racer to Wheelchair user to Water Ski Instructor

By Disability, Lifestyle, My story, News 5 Comments

Screen Shot 2013-06-25 at 15.31.56Life was good for Andy Trollope, running his own business Brunel Motors and enjoying a successful career as as professional moto x racer.

Although it was hard juggling a full time job and competing at the highest level he thrived on the satisfaction sustained from leading a very busy and active life. On the 27th of July 2008 that all changed while competing at a British championship race meeting Andy had a very slow speed crash which changed his life for ever.

He broke his back and damaged his spinal cord leaving Andy a T5 paraplegic, which basically means that he was left paralysed from the chest down with no feeling or movement below the chest.

Andy says that very early in his rehab he was told by his case manager that there were two options to deal with his injury: give up and sit around doing nothing or grasp life and live it to the full. This may sound harsh but Andy says this was the best advice ever given to him.

He worked hard during his rehab at Stoke Mandeville Spinal Unit and was discharged four months later. A month after discharge Andy was easing his way back into work and exploring the many sporting options available to a full time wheel chair user. After trying virtually every sport out there he was struggling to find anything that gave him the exhilaration he found from moto x. That was until a year after his accident he went on a skiing trip and learnt how to mono ski.

He now takes yearly trips to the USA to compete, teach and enjoy the freedom being able to free ski unaided. It was through skiing that Andy found out about adapted water skiing. Between these two sports Andy at last had now found two sports that gave him the adrenalin rush that he so desperately craved. Andy Trollope

Andy is now a fully qualified water ski instructor. He regularly teaches people with many different disabilities from spinal cord injuries, visual impairment and learning difficulties which Andy says he finds just as rewarding if not more so than skiing for himself.

Andy is now back at work full time working as both a mechanic and continuing with the day to day running of Brunel Motors. He became involved with Enhance the UK after a chance meeting with the founder of Enhance Jennie Williams at the mobility road show in 2011 when she asked him to fill out a questionnaire about the difficulties of forming relationships and dating from a wheelchair users perspective.

This was the first time Andy had heard of anyone trying to approach and help people with the sometimes daunting prospect of dating and forming relationships for people with disabilities and was immediately impressed with the concept. After keeping in touch with Jennie and finding out about all the other ways Enhance was trying to break down the barriers educate people about many different disabilities, not just in dating but in everyday life, he was very keen to get involved in anyway that he could help.

In 2012 Andy was made a Trustee of Enhance and is very passionate about the need to spread the word about the great work that Enhance are doing. In his own words Andy said, “I believe that the need for education and advice that Enhance The UK can offer people with or with out a disability is invaluable and as a fultime wheel chair user i think that i can offer another perspective to help get this message out there.”

Lovers In A Care Home (by Anne Taylor)

By Lifestyle, Undressing Disability One Comment

Whilst living at Arnold House, Leonard Cheshire Home, I became engaged to another Service User called Robert.

Obviously we were both disabled using wheelchairs but we wanted to be like other couples and have a good relationship involving sexual play. This proved harder than you think because we couldn’t have time together during the day as everyone was around and so couldn’t do anything. Therefore the only time we could be together was when I was in bed and and wait for Rob to come in. We couldn’t do anything until the drinks came in though, as it could have been awkward.

On one occasion we were playing and a carer didn’t knock on the door and just burst in, this made us both feel embarrassed and it just put us off doing anything. After that incident we found a way by asking the carers not to come into the room until 11pm when Rob went back to his room.

I wished we could have had more chances to play but alas it was not practical. What we did together was lovely and it made me feel like a normal couple really in love with each other and clearly sexually active.  This is not true of all homes but I feel if people are in love they should be helped to lead a proper friendship without any problems or embarrassments.

Inclusive and Exclusive Dating (by Drew Clark)

By Lifestyle, The Love Lounge One Comment

Inclusive and Exclusive Dating

I have never really been the type of person who has been into the whole “one night stand” or “hook-up” fling relationships. I have always looked for something more substantial and long-term in a relationship. Though admittedly I am single now after a 2 year relationship with an able-bodied woman. This is not to say that she has not had her own physical medical problems but without going into what these issues have been for her, I would not classify this person as “disabled”.

When I started to become interested in dating from a young age, about 12 or 13, I treated finding someone who was able-bodied to be with as if it were some kind of silly Holy Grail of dating for someone like myself who has a physical disability and is a wheelchair user. This was always a secret thought or attitude I had up until I reached college/university age even though before that point I had been dating within the disabled community with what I would call somewhat successful. A few months here, six months there, and even one relationship which lasted on and off for about six years from grade seven all the way up until when I started college with a beautiful girl, now a woman who just so happens to have Spina Bifida like I do. However, I did have a few major crushes in high school on girls who were able-bodied, especially when I had periods of singleness…. or what some women in the disabled community whom I have dated may call “moments of being an asshole”. Though when it came to having an attraction to someone who was able-bodied in high school, of course there was nervousness around certain people but I always tried to remain neutral friends with them until I had the opportunity to express to them how I felt. More often than not when I would approach an able-bodied girl and tell them how I felt, the response I would always get was “you’re jus too good of a friend” which in my head said loud and clear “you’re a very nice guy, but I wouldn’t date a cripple”. Of course it could have been very little to do with my disability and indeed they just did not want to ruin a friendship but that did not stop me from taking it so personally.

I even remember having fancied an able-bodied girl who was about a year and a half younger than myself when I was in grade 11 and one day I went out to the front of the school during my lunch break to have a cigarette as I normally did. It was a pretty nice spring day and I spotted a group of girls I had sometimes hung around with who were also just hanging out having a smoke. In this group happened to be the one girl I had a crush on, so naturally I wanted to hang out with her. I think at that time, it was probably known to her through other people that I fancied her just a little bit and after a while I had turned my back to talk to another group of people in front of the school who were behind me and this girl called my name to get my attention. She got up from the sidewalk, walked over and kissed me and then walked back to where she was sitting and started to giggle and laugh with all her friends. I was shocked because in my head the thought still was that there would be no way she would be interested in someone like me, so why bother pursuing such things?. Turns out, one of her friends had dared her to get my attention and walk up and kiss me. There was no feeling, only fake flirtation in that act for and all I could think after I found this out was: What a bitch!

When it comes to choosing to date within your own community, that is, the disabled community, social programming is extremely important. Often times it is hard for an individual with a disability to connect with someone in a similar situation to themselves within their community at large without these programs. Whether it be monthly social nights, dances or even summer camps, these programs are an integral part of social and relationship building within these communities. I can tell you though that without programs like this, personally I would not have had the opportunity to form the friendships and intimate relationships I have had over the years. One thing that really gets to me though is the attitude of some able-bodied professionals who run these programs whom discourage any form of romantic relationship and physical affection within these programs. Particularly within the 14-19 age group. Now I understand that it is only ethical to not want teenagers hopping out of their wheelchairs and other mobility devices in order to shag on the floor but to give a teenager grief for sharing a passionate kiss, cuddling, or holding hands in plain view of program coordinators and staff in the name of ethical appropriateness…. get real. They are teenagers, let them be. As long as no one is shagging on the floor or getting pregnant and are in plain view of everyone else. Let them be. I even had one summer camp experience with a girl who was a few years older than myself.. I was about 14 at the time and she thought I was significantly older than I was but she took a liking to me anyway… let’s just say we paid no mind to the “rules” or to being told not to make out under an outdoor pavilion at the camp in front of a great deal of other campers of the same age group and staff members. It’s not the most “appropriate” thing, but damn was it ever fun! So, note to program providers and coordinators of social events for teenagers with disabilities; as long as two people aren’t being left completely alone, as long as they are not sprawled out on the floor shagging or removing clothing in public.. just let them be. To do otherwise is to discourage the development of healthy romantic relationships.

As I got into my early 20′s I became more familiar with the world of online dating. This is simply because at that time, I was in college and finally had my own computer access in my dorm room at school. Which I never had access to growing up at home. I thought of this as a way to find either someone else with a disability to date or maybe even someone who was not disabled at all. Online dating is a challenge in and of itself though, because at the starting point when it comes to finding someone who doesn’t have a disability to potentially have a romantic connection with, the question becomes; When do I tell those people about my disability and everything that comes along with it?. Personally, I take the up front approach and either put this information directly into a member profile or to wait until you make a connection with someone. The best thing anybody can do is to be up front and honest about every aspect of a disability and then allow the other person to ask any and every question that they may have about it. Online dating allows for the other person to focus upon a person’s personality rather than the disability they have but at the same time if a person cannot accept any aspect of a disability then really, they are not worth the time nor the effort to change their minds about it. One aspect of online dating which can be quite difficult for anyone, but especially for someone with a physical disability is if you happen to be attracted to someone who lives quite a distance from where you live. It is absolutely helpful though if there is family support on one or both sides of the relationship because then perhaps those family members would be able to help two people see each other often. It’s a hard road though, I won’t lie and sometimes because of distance and even a lack of daily face to face communication can lead to the demise of a relationship. Truth be told, online dating may be difficult, especially if there is distance involved but don’t knock it until you try it. You might be surprised in who you could find. Just be very very careful when you approach this route though. Make sure that who you are speaking to is actually telling the truth in who they are and be safe when you first meet anybody from an online dating site. Always meet in a public place first or at the very least make sure they have a webcam so you can have face to face conversations before you meet in person.

It is noteworthy outside of my own perspective to mention that for those with more severe physical disabilities which impair movement much more, that for some, finding a partner who is able-bodied is important. The reason this is in my opinion is because sometimes it may be nicer to have someone whom you are in an intimate relationship with to be able to help with things like showering. C’mon, who doesn’t like shower sex, right ? Or perhaps because there are very, very small things that would be made easier when you have an able-bodied partner. Cleaning up around the house for example. It is most important to say though that most people with disabilities when they date someone who is not disabled, do not want their partners to be seen as “personal assistants” or “aides” because quite frankly that cheapens the romantic relationship. When you see a couple in public on a date and one happens to be disabled, and one is not, please do not assume that the able-bodied person is the others personal assistant. This is completely undermining and quite hurtful to at least one person in that relationship. Also, please scrap the idea of “oh, isn’t that nice that you are dating someone with a disability”. Patronizing? yes, very much so.

The choice is yours really, whether you date someone with or without a disability. I ask that the able-bodied population keep an open mind, learn all you can about an individuals disability. It does not define them, nor me, it only adds to their unique qualities. See passed what is skin deep. For those of us with various disabilities, I only have thing left to say on this matter. Do not be afraid to go safely out of your comfort zone. The absolute worst thing a person could say is “no”. If that is the case then you are probably better off in finding someone else and trust me, you will. Until next time, folks.

Mik Scarlet

Sex tips for crips part 1, by Mik Scarlet

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Are you all sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin…

Mik Scarlet

Mik Scarlet

Since watching the Desirability series on BBC3 the topic of disability and sexuality has been foremost in my mind. I feel the main reason why so many of the programs on this topic seem to miss the mark in my opinion is because they tend to be made from the angle of those who have problems with body image and not body function. While it is hard to look in the mirror and see someone who could be loved if your body is different, it is even harder if your body can’t do the things that society says it needs to actually make love. It doesn’t matter how well adjusted you are about the way you look, if you are filled with doubt over your physical performance.

So I have decided to do an article/a series of articles on how I learnt to deal with a body that didn’t work the way it should in the trouser department. I hope you lot are ready for this because after you’ve read this, your lives are never going to be the same again…

One of the most important things about coming to terms with your sexuality as a disabled person is learning to understand the way that your body is different from all the able bodied people out there, and exactly what your body can, and more importantly, can’t do. Once you’ve admitted this to yourself and accepted it, you can start to rebuild your sexuality.

I myself had to go through this process twice in my life. The first time took me a good few years. You see when I went into my wheelchair, back when I was only 15, I hadn’t had much experience with sex and so believed all the myths that the able bodied world threw at me. When it became plain to me that not only had my spinal injury taken out my legs but it had also made it impossible to achieve an erection, I believed I would spend my life alone. Luckily, this was during the early 80’s, when young people were fiercely political and I fell in with a group of lesbian feminists. They thought I was the perfect man, one who could not commit the act of penetration, which they saw as rape. OK, these attitudes are pretty extreme, but it let me see that not all women want sex to be around a big hard dick. I even ended up dating one of them for two and half years! The second was just after my most recent operation, when I discovered I had lost the feeling to even more of my body. This time it took much less time, so I know this works, and can work quickly when you know what you’re doing.

So once I had realised that sexuality could be so many different things I set about making sure that I was going to be the best shag ever. I read loads of books and gained a wide knowledge of able-bodied sexual technique. I adapted some of their techniques to fit with my body and this is what I am going to impart to you all. The first tip is great for both sexes, no matter what your disability. I call it…

Hands Free Masturbation

Once you master this technique, you will be able to orgasm at will, whether or not you have full sensation in your body. The key to Hands Free Masturbation is a filthy imagination. To achieve an orgasm without touching yourself you must explore a fantasy world in your head. The most important thing to understand is that you must feel no guilt at all. It doesn’t matter what goes on in your mind, as long as it floats your boat. If you need to read dirty books or mags, or watch porn films, fine. Just conjure up in your mind the best sexual fantasy possible to you, and then run with it.

The whole technique is actually quite simple. Just lie on your bed (or sit in your chair – which can be fun if you’re bored when out shopping!) and imagine yourself having sex. Not just sex, but the best sex imaginable, with your favourite fantasy partner (or partners) and just don’t stop. Keep building on the fantasy and make it as intricate as you want, as kinky as you want and as a long as you need. Go wild and be as filthy as you like. Eventually, and it may takes a good few goes, you will get there.

OK it will be quite frustrating at first, but as you continue to try and get yourself to orgasm you will notice that you start feeling a tension in your chest. This is the start of an orgasm. Most able-bodied people think it starts in their groin, but this is just them tensing up using their muscles, and because that is where their stimulation is coming from. Orgasms actually start in your head but then quickly move to your lower neck and upper chest. Keep that fantasy going, and even pick up the pace in your head. Really get down and dirty. Then the orgasm will start to flow through your body. If you can’t feel some parts of your body two things may happen. Either the orgasm will locate where your feeling ends, and that will be your new “groin”, or it will travel down to your groin and you may feel sensation there for the first time. Well not exactly sensation, but whatever it is… it’s very nice!

It does sound impossible, but the best sex organ the human body has is our imaginations, and this is how you can tap into yours. It really does work, and will mean that not only have you learnt that you can orgasm, but that you are now able to climax at will. All you have to do when having sex is think unsexy thoughts when you want to wait and conjure up your Hands Free Masturbation fantasy when it’s time to pop your load.

The best thing is this also works for the able bodied, but I say we keep it as our little secret!

Next time I’m going to go through what can be done once you’ve mastered this technique, so start your practising now!

Mik Scarlet

Sex tips for crips part 2, by Mik Scarlet

By Disability, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Mik ScarletLast time I explored a technique I call Hands free Masturbation. This time I’m going to tell you how to use this technique to change the way your body works. These are really things you need to do with a partner, and I fully understand that some people out there may not have one, but I hope that once you read this you will know that whatever your level of sexual function you will be able to have great sex if the occasion should arise. Knowing that can give you the confidence you need to go out searching for it… tee hee!

The first thing we need to do is…

Relocate Our Erogenous Zones

Now one the most frustrating things about having a disability that effects sensation is the loss of feeling in the bits that would normally turn us on. Of course now we can all reach orgasm without needing to be touched, we can use this to relocate these erogenous zones to somewhere we can feel.

Before we do that however, I must inform you that there are loads of underused zones all over our body. For instance we all have a kind of G-Spot on the roof of our mouths, on our soft pallet. Having this gently touched will bring you to an orgasm amazingly fast. Trust me it really does! There are others, like your elbows, or between your fingers, or behind your ears that all have quite an effect too. The best thing to do is make sex an exploration of both partner’s bodies and to find what bits feel nice.

Once you have found what bits feel good to be touched, you can use the HFM technique to make them become hyper sensitive. By using HFM while having your ‘nice bits’ touched you will find that it is so much easier to achieve an orgasm and these ‘nice bits’ start to become the point at which your orgasm stems from. They become your ‘new groin’ so to speak.

By modifying this you can also…

Create New Erogenous Zones

One of the weirdest things I discovered after I went into a wheelchair is how the sensation in certain parts of my body had become so much more. I found I had a round spot on my back, near to the scar from my operation that had no sensation on the surface skin, but was hyper sensitive internally. So when this was touched it felt like someone was entering my body, which I found very nice. I know that other disabled people I have discussed this with also have similar things on their body. Now with the technique above you can make these even nicer.

Scars are also places that can have very different sensation, whether they are hyper sensitive or numb. This difference in sensation can also be changed to create new erogenous zones.

It is even possible to create zones anywhere. You can even make one on the tip of your nose. Just spend time trying and you will see that eventually you can end up as a big erogenous zone, orgasming away merrily!

By now I imagine some of you are saying, “This is all well and good Mik, but how do we meet this sexual partner?” Well that’s my last tip. Always remember that it doesn’t matter who you are, everyone is really looking for someone to share their life with, to love and be loved by. Male or female, straight or gay, able bodied or disabled everyone wants to be needed. What we have to remember is we, as disabled people, have so much to give. We are fantastic life partners, whether or not we are able to have sex. We are loving, supportive, strong, caring and sharing. We are everything that able-bodied people are, but with an added strength that comes from living in their world. So many of my able bodied friends seem to spend their lives going from one terrible relationship to another, so just because they have a fully functioning body they are not naturally happy. Whatever your disability has thrown at you, the fact that you have managed to survive and feel ready to look for love means that you already a fantastic catch. So it doesn’t matter what’s ‘wrong’ with you, forget that and focus on all the great things about you. Go out, and look for someone to love. I don’t think it will be as hard as you might think.

At the end of the day, remember the old saying… “It’s better to have loved and lost that to have never loved at all”… just add the extra bit… “Once they’ve tasted me, they will never go away!”

disability and sex

Dating an Amputee – (by Alicia Berta)

By Disability, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

I wanted to just give my input as to dating someone with a disability.

 

I met someone online who was a disabled veteran. I was hesitant going on our first date and thought I could at least have a new friend. My father had a below-the-knee amputation completed several years ago, so I was somewhat familiar with some of the issues that may come up, but I never realized how much of a stigma there was in society and I want to think it has something to do with people being uneducated or ignorant.

 

My friends were supportive of me being happy, but I found out that many of them were talking behind my back about how they were concerned that someone in a wheelchair would not be able to give me everything I deserve. That is crap! We may have broken up, but he was the best boyfriend I have ever had. Even more so, having sex with him is the best sex I have ever had in my life!

 

In speaking with some of his friends (many who are also disabled and their significant others), the sex with someone who is disabled can be very pleasursome! I know some paralyzed guys who say they perfected giving women oral sex in order to please a woman if their penis cannot become erect. I know women who have slept with amputees and paralyzed guys who say the thrill of something new and the willingness of the partner to please is unlike having sex with an able-bodied individual. I think having sex with anyone who is excited about having it makes it much more fun, and if you love the person it can be even better. It is a new experience I think more people should be open to in their lives.

 

I am not sure if there is anything else you may want to know, but I am an open book! Good luck with research and this challenge, but I know there are many who will support this cause!

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