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My wife and I are very adventurous sexually and are keen to try attending swingers parties…

By Disability, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love Lounge One Comment

James, Milton-Keynes

“My wife and I are very adventurous sexually and are keen to try attending swingers parties. However, I have MS and am a wheelchair user. Can I expect the swinging scene to be equipped to deal with and accepting of my disability?”

Mik

While I haven’t ventured onto the swinging scene, I have many friends who have. I do know that from my contact with them that disability is not really an issue. To be honest I kept finding myself being told that I would “enjoy” myself on that scene as many of them have a tick list, or a list of things they want to try.

Sex with a disabled person is high on that list apparently, so if you don’t mind that idea then it might be fun. I would check out your local scene and see if you like the people, which I would imagine is pretty important if you intend to sleep with them! Of course some people might be arse holes, but that is life. I should say that please go it into with your eyes open. I know many relationships that have been torn apart by trying swinging.

It may sound fun, but will either of you be able to cope if one partner is more popular than another? Jealousy can kill a successful relationship, and while it is a not fashionable emotion I personally feel it is part of really being in love. Having said that, I also know couples who have a great time and swear it has brought them closer together. So if you really fancy it, go for it. Trust me, as far I as I understand having a disability is not bar to swinging your socks off!

My spina bifida means that my body looks different to everybody else’s…

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Kelly, Bournemouth – “My spina bifida means that my body looks different to everybody elses. I’m almost too anxious about it now to go clothes shopping and try them on in the changing rooms. How can I get some confidence?”

Mik – To me this issue is one of the biggest that many disabled people have to contend with. However much we might outwardly appear confident, and claim to be proud of our impairments, we live in a society that is obsessed with perfection and let’s face it, we are only human. We cannot help but be influenced by this growing need to be beautiful and perfect, and measure ourselves against the images that fill our media. It is a remarklable person, disabled or not, who is not touched by the dream of being perfect. I know that when I was a teenager, back in the early 80’s, I found myself so sure of my unattractiveness due to my disability that I developed an eating disorder. Even today what I see in the mirror and what I understand everyone else sees is very different. However, I will give you the advice I try to give myself every time I find myself looking at the mirror and seeing a monster, fuck em! You are the most perfect you ever. OK, you may not fit the stereotype of what beauty or perfection is, but who say that is right? Mostly a bunch or fat man who work in the press, or aging women in the fashion industry whose obsession with youth is driven by their fears over the passing of time. Disabled people wear their strength and individuality on the design of their bodies, like an amazing work of art. We challenge society to see what biology can actually achieve, and how robust the human form can be. Don’t let the non-disabled world make you feel less because you do not look like they do. It’s them who should feel inferior. So from now on when you get up, look in that mirror and know you see beauty and perfection. Your own totally individual form that no other person can achieve. Be proud of that, and if anyone dares to challenge it then they can go f**k themselves. As for finding clothes, I always advise find a style that works for you. Fashion is our enemy, as trends change so quickly. Instead experiment with style until you find one that fits.. and stick to it. Sure you can follow fashion, but make sure you model it to suit the style you have created. I used to wear loads of leather, not only as it looked great but because it was hard wearing and made me look like an injured biker. The alternative scene has always been less judgemental that the mainstream crowd and so I found my outrageous clothes allowed me to become part of scene who didn’t seem to care if I was disabled, or sky-blue pink!. So best bet, scan the fashion mags plus books on the history of fashion. Find a look you like and that you think will work, and THEN go shopping. With a look in mind, you are already half way there. And if you find a shop without a changing room, remember the Equality Act demands that they have one. So get shouting…. “I know my rights!” If you need any styling tips, drop me a mail, maybe with a pic or two, and I’ll see if I can help. Believe it or not, I actually studied fashion as a overly trendy new romantic youth so I do know what I’m on about!

I haven’t been on a date in well over a year and am finding it increasingly hard to meet women…

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Peter, Bath – “I haven’t been on a date in well over a year and am finding it increasingly hard to meet women and get out of the house because of the pain of my early onset osteoporosis. How can I get myself motivated and out the house?”

Mik – Dear Peter, I also know the joys of chronic pain and how debilitating it can be. I have tried everything to fight it, both conventional and alternative, and I might suggest trying Mindfullness. It’s a meditation technique thatmight sound a but hippy dippy, but I have found it really works. Not only as a method of counteracting the pain but also to give you back some feeling of control. That feeling of being the captain of you own ship is the thing that will help with motivation, so it really important to get the ball rolling. Ask your GP or at your pain clinic about Mindfullness and for advice on controlling your pain. If you aren’t being seen by a pain clinic, that must be top of your list. Even before you start out on the road of finding methods of fighting your pain I would suggest allowing yourself to feel down, ill and angry. We always get told to keep your chin up and other such arse, but until you have felt real chronic pain it is difficult to understand. While it can stop you from doing anything, and I know in my past I have spent years lying on my sofa unable to sleep for days wishing I would just pass out to have some release, I would advise you to start small. Little trips out, doing things you really enjoy. Imagine it is like a little baby, trying to learn to walk. You make short trips, not pushing yourself too hard, and then build up to longer and longer ventures into the outside world. It’s a balance between reclaiming your life from your pain and not making it worse. But you will win. If for no other reason that you eventually get used to it. However try to get your medical team to understand how bad the pain is and get them to do something for you, as it can be controlled. I have my daily pain medicine, and then something stronger for break through. With the Mindfullness to help me when it gets really bad or when I know I need to spend days at work, I have a full arsenal to fight and defeat pain. With the right help you can too, and then you control it and not it you. Once you reach this point you will look back to now and see how far you have come. Trust me, it is possible. Good luck, and if you need any more help please get in touch.

My longterm girlfriend and I are separating but she is the only person who knows how to deal with my disability

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Melissa, London – “My longterm girlfriend and I are separating but she is the only person who knows how to deal with my disability and I have become very reliant on her. I am paralysed from the waist down, a wheelchair user and am scared of facing life without the aid of my partner and the prospect of not meeting somebody so understanding. How can I cope?”

Mik – Hi Melissa, as someone who is also paralysed like you, and who had a very similar experience in my past, I can only say do not be scared. I know that I felt I may never find another love when the relationship in question ended, especially as they supported me so much. However in truth it gave me the push I needed to become truly independent, and so I was able to form better and more fulfilling relationships. I am now happily married to someone who has cared for me during some very dark times, and supports me in my daily life but as I had created an independent life for myself before we got together we both know she helps me through love and not sympathy or any other negative reason. I should also say it is vital you do develop independence as you may open yourself up to bad relationships based on your belief that no one else would assist you. I had one of those, and I was brainwashed to believe that so I ended up being bled dry financially. My advice would be contact social services and work with them to put a fullcare package in place for you. Also use what may seem as a negative time to discover exactly how much you are capable of on your own. I know as I discovered how independent I could be it changed my life. Trust me, it might seem scary right now, but it will get better and you will find that this might be the beginning of a fantastic new chapter in your life.

American Horror Story Promo Poster

American Horror Story : ‘Freakshow’ – Art or Ableism?

By Disability, Lifestyle One Comment

The new season of the popular U.S TV show ‘American Horror Story’ hits our British shores on 21st October, over on FX, in time to get us excited for Halloween. For those unfamiliar with the concept, ‘Freakshow’ is the 4th season of the AHS franchise which started in 2011, reusing the same cast over again but always with a different setting and storyline. Previous seasons themes include ‘Asylum,’ ‘Coven’ and a haunted house all designed to be creepy, sexual, funny and very different to anything else out there right now.

However, this upcoming cycles content has ruffled some feathers within the disabled community, and it’s not hard to see why. ‘AHS: Freakshow’ is set in 1950’s Florida centering on a group of people with obvious physical disabilities banded together in one of America’s last ‘freak’ shows. Some actors playing these roles are genuinely disabled, such as the worlds smallest woman Jyoti Amge, and others not, where recurring actress Sarah Paulson plays conjoined twins.

The use of the archaic word ‘Freak’ serves as a useful reminder to us of the terms that have come and gone, much like racially prejudiced terms, that are no longer acceptable in the modern PC age. This is a credit to our society, to recognise as a whole that these terms along with ‘crippled’ and ‘handicapped,’ are no longer acceptable; yet it is also unnerving to see published so brazenly again. As Howard Sherman puts it in his ‘Guardian’ article on this topic, ‘[freak] is a slur – and though it might be accurately portrayed on screen or on stage, it’s not yours to reclaim for someone else, even characters in a show.’

Especially when paired with the series promo poster, a ghostly looking misshapen foot next to the title ‘Freakshow’ (see above), gives the impression that we are to fear and gawp at. This is, after all, supposed to be the portrayal of a ‘horror story.’ Yet, what precisely is so ‘horrific’ about the disabled form?

After watching the first episode, it is apparent that the ‘freaks’ are supposed to provoke a feeling of unease in the viewer, yet they are also built up as multi dimensional characters. But this privilege is mostly enjoyed by the non-disabled actors playing disabled roles. Jyoti Amge, a 20 year old woman with achondroplasia, is permitted just a few lines in a bit part that is doubtful to last the whole season. Additionally, she is routinely picked up and carried around by cast members, fueling the infantilization of those with small stature. It does, frankly, reek of objectification.

Regardless, this popular television show has decided to put disability, and how those with disabilities used to be treated so callously not all that long ago, at its forefront. ‘Freakshow’s’ were something that happened in society, and to ignore that fact in popular culture would be the same as claiming it never existed.

Wheelchair logo with heart

Pretenders, Devotees & Wannabes

By Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

Many of us with at least moderate awareness of the disability world are familiar with the concept of ‘devotees’ – a person with a specific sexual fetish related to disability or only interested in having relationships with a disabled person. This is usually relatively harmless when those involved feel safe, respected and are aware of one anothers intentions, much like in any other relationship.

But what happens when an able-bodied persons admiration for the disabled form transcends desire and becomes part of their perceived identity? This is where ‘pretenders’ and ‘wannabes’ come in. Both typically view themselves as being ‘trans-abled,’ where similarly to transgendered people they feel as though they have been born into the wrong body. They then often identify with one specific disability and then proceed to act it out either privately or publicly.

One such ‘pretender,’ only making himself known as Chris, was profiled in the recent American TV series ‘Seven Deadly Sins.’ Chris hides his pretender status from those around him but feels conflicted within himself when he is not in his wheelchair. Of his identity crisis he poignantly revealed that, “what I want my life to be like is what is the detriment of a lot of people’s lives, the worst thing that’s ever happened to them, and I think it would be the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Wannabes take things one step further and go to extraordinary lengths to deliberately become disabled, by perhaps amputating a limb or rendering themselves paraplegic, often with a very precise idea of the disability they identity with. A chilling post from DisabledPlanet.net’s ‘Wannabe and Pretender’s Forum’ reads: ‘I have seen a lot of amputee wannabe’s [on the forum] so far but, no paraplegic wannabe’s. I’m a 35 year old para pretender looking for chat. [sic] I’m serious about trying to get the job done. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas […] send a message.’

One blog entitled ‘Wheelchairconfession,’ tellingly unveils the link between devoteeism and pretending. For these people disability is not only their identity, it also excites them sexually. One blogger revealed that: ‘I told my girlfriend about my wheelchair. […] I started by telling her I had a fetish/fantasy about [having sex] while on my wheelchair. I proceeded to tell her that I’d like to try doing everyday things from a wheelchair.’ Another blogger laments the fact that he still keeps his pretender status secret from his partner but chronicles his excitement when she asks him to dress up in a pirate outfit, complete with a fake hook hand, in the bedroom. Infact, many ‘pretenders’ and ‘wannabes’ report having the sexual desire for disabled people first from a young age, which in turn progresses into the desire to BECOME a disabled person.

It is easy to see why people get riled up by ‘pretenders’ and ‘wannabes.’ Many truly disabled people find it hard to see why somebody would choose to have something that makes their life harder, or changed their life completely. They may feel like ‘pretenders’ do not understand the full seriousness of having a real disability and just enjoy the sympathy or attention stemming from it, or even that they are infringing on a culture that is rightly and wholly theirs.

However, the feeling of being ‘trans-abled’ is medically acknowledged as being a legitimate physiological condition known as Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID). Could this in itself then be acknowledged as a disability? Would there be limits on how these people choose to live their lives if they wanted access to the same amenities specifically reserved for genuinely disabled people? In a world where all minority groups are still fighting for their right to be heard and accepting people of all kinds is becoming increasingly regular dialogue in our society, should we just live and let live? There is, frankly, a Pandora’s box worth of questions and issues.

On one final note, an anonymous ‘pretender’ interviewed by ‘New Mobility.com’ had this to say: ‘Pretenders don’t hurt anyone, as long as they’re not trying to scam government benefits or taking services away from people who actually need them. We have a ‘fetish,’ an ‘interest,’ or even a ‘disorder’ — call it what you will, we’re just living our lives in the only way we really can.’

hands on jail bars

Deaf & Disabled Inmates – Sentenced to Isolation

By Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

Recently, the Deaf community was rocked by the news of the savage murder of Christopher Pennman by Awat Akram. Both men were Deaf and the motive for the crime was supposedly jealousy over a woman they both had had a relationship with.

Akram stabbed Pennman multiple times while he slept, defenceless, in his bed. To add to the horror and hardship, Akram then went on to deny his role in the murder and mislead the police in their investigation. He has now been sentenced to life in prison – a minimum of 28 years.

Akram’s crime was clearly deplorable and he deserves to be punished while the public are protected from him. Yet, disabled inmates in our country are typically consigned to paying a much higher price for their crimes than their able-bodied counterparts.

The HM Inspectorate of Prisons (2009) found that disabilities are largely under-reported in UK prisons, with deafness being no exception. Many Deaf and hard of hearing people use British Sign Language (BSL) to communicate, yet a HM Inspectorate of Prisons survey found that just 16 out of 82 disability liaison officers said they had BSL trained staff to help Deaf prisoners with daily activities. Therefore, these inmates will likely find themselves in a position where few (if any) BSL interpreters are available to them during their time in prison, which may be for the rest of their lives.

The detailed 2013 study ‘Not hearing us – An exploration of the experiences of deaf prisoners in English and Welsh prisons,’ suggests that being denied the basic right to communicate, quite rightly, causes feelings of extreme isolation and loneliness. If deaf prisoners are not able to communicate, they are not able to fully assimilate into prison life which in turn reduces their likelihood of reform.

Despite prisons being covered by the Equality Act 2010 many Deaf inmates were still experiencing problems with access to education – a major tool in their rehabilitation. One hearing impaired inmate even claimed that he could not access 90% of prison classes without a support worker.

Enhance the UK believes that by implementing disability awareness training and sign language courses into prisons for prison staff, these issues can be more efficiently and economically dealt with than they currently are.

97% of all offenders say they want to stop offending and the biggest factor (68%) helping them do this is having a job and prospects. When you do not invest in a minority group in prison, much like in regular society, you are already robbing them of any hope of turning their lives around. When offenders have something constructive to focus on and a chance to better themselves, our community as a whole benefits.

The Undressing Disability shoot 2013 in front of Big Ben, London

Undressing ‘Undressing Disability’

By Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

About five years ago I took my 32-year-old friend, Andy, who has cerebral palsy on a trip to Amsterdam to visit a sex worker. Although he is funny, open minded and a football coach with a university degree, he was yet to have a sexual experience.

After the trip, he told me that he didn’t think it had gone well because he didn’t orgasm immediately and it surprised me that he would think that way.

It then made me realise that, along with many other physically disabled people, Andy is knowledgeable and sociable in many areas but when it came to sex he didn’t know the basics. This was not only because he had never experienced it, but also that no one had ever educated him. When I returned from Amsterdam I began researching what sex education was available for disabled people like Andy, but found very little. That really scared me.

I founded Enhance the UK in 2009 with the aim of changing society’s perception of disability as well as empowering and supporting physically disabled and sensory impaired people to live full, active lives. In 2012, we ran a campaign called Undressing Disability and produced calendars featuring all disabled models donning nothing but their underwear, poised in front of iconic London backdrops. We wanted to celebrate the disabled form while raising awareness of our inclusive Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) program in collaboration with leading youth sexual health and education providers, Brook, which is the backbone to our entire evolving campaign.

Currently, there is no UK government policy recognising that physically disabled young people require specialised SRE. In a 2013 survey we conducted, 69% of people thought their disability should have been taken into consideration in SRE and 100% observed that it was never even addressed. Physical disabilities are often placed under the same disability ‘umbrella’ as people with learning disabilities when in reality the two deserve and require different attention.

Physically disabled people who rely on full time carers to wash, dress and feed them run the risk of becoming desexualised despite them having regular, healthy, adult urges. Being looked after in this way makes those around them forever view them in a childlike way.

Through my own disability of degenerative hearing loss, I am acutely aware of the issues the deaf community face in terms of SRE. A recent survey by the charity Deafax found that 67 per cent of deaf people received inaccessible sex education and 45 per cent of those people said it was because they could not understand teachers. One deaf girl told Deafax that she didn’t know anything about sex, contraception or relationships when she left school. She said: “There was never anyone to ask who could explain properly to me in sign language. I didn’t know how many sexual partners were ‘normal’.”

As part of Undressing Disability we’ve launched‘The Love Lounge,’ a safe space on our website where users can ask our panel any questions related to sex, relationships and disability. No topic is off limits and we would encourage queries, not only from our disabled users, but their partners and parents too. We want to encourage discussion on these seemingly ‘taboo’ topics and create a caring sense of community.

We are pleased to introduce media personality and prominent disabled activist, Mik Scarlet and presenter and writer Emily Yates as our ‘Love Lounge’ experts. Mik and Emily are also two of our very talented disability awareness trainers so are used to addressing all kinds of issues.

The truth is that disabled people have sex and disabled people like sex. But they don’t have access to the same advice and support as their peers. We need to stop the stigma and address the ‘awkward’ questions nobody else will so that disabled people can enjoy safe, healthy and fulfilling sex lives, just like everyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Campaigning for human rights! by Caroline Dempsey

By Disability, Lifestyle One Comment

It’s easy for me to say that I can focus on what I have, not what I don’t have, or on what I can do, not on what I can’t do. But for a disabled person, it’s much more difficult to find the positives. Some I speak to admit that on the face of it, they give the impression of confidence, but in private, the story is very different. They suffer with poor body image, lack of self-esteem and self-worth, their attempts to have a satisfying sex life presents them with problems not only in regard to their physical ability, but also their physiological capabilities. As much as I encourage and want to help with enabling my clients to enjoy sex (either with me or with another), I cannot imagine how much anxiety and frustration they must endure.

I recently attended a SHADA conference (The Sexual Health and Disability Alliance). There must have been over 40 professionals there, all with the same ambition, and that’s to enable those with disabilities to express themselves sexually whenever they need to. That’s whether they’re in care or at home, and however bad their condition is. It was fantastic to be amongst so many who felt so passionate and who are willing to do all they can for the cause. Dr Tuppy Owens, the founder, is a shining example of someone who won’t give up. She’s been a serial campaigner for years and won’t rest when it comes to gaining support for those who can’t get it themselves.

Of course, there are many laws around enabling the disabled to have sex, or to call on sex workers, but we learned at the conference that the laws are simply breaching basic human rights. There are many myths surrounding them and in fact, many lawyers don’t even seem to know them clearly. If it’s consensual, adult and done in private, that’s a human right. A ‘right to fun’ is a human right, and so on. It was said that ‘criminal law’ has no place in the bedroom. I stress, if the act is consensual and pleasurable for all, then no, it does have no place in the bedroom (or whatever room you choose).

By law, people working within the disability sector must support human rights – by law! They must support the sexual expression of their client. It is a breach of Duty of Care not to enable sexual expression. It’s more of a breach than not supporting safeguarding! The trouble is that folk are concerned that they’re not supporting protective rights enough, and are therefore raising the bar further in order to supplement their efforts. Trouble is, this is breaching human rights even further. Although a well-meant act, it’s having the opposite effect.

A prime example of this was highlighted by another speaker. She is a highly qualified professional and a highly respected member amongst her peers. But officially speaking, because she’s 60% deaf, the Sexual Offences Act recognises that she is unable to consent to sex, and it is therefore seen as rape. Go figure. It’s a human rights violation!

One of the speakers was a lad in a wheelchair who very honestly explained that when he wanted to lose his virginity, he had to think for a long time about how he would go about it. He was living with his mum and couldn’t discuss it with her, of course. However, he eventually went ahead and he achieved exactly what he wanted, but it wasn’t easy for him. I’ve heard this from so many people of all ages. Sometimes the embarrassment factor is greater, the older the person gets. Another girl spoke of her experience when, a few years ago, she got some help in enabling her to have sex with a partner. It didn’t go according to plan and the person helping, instead of speaking to her, spoke to her social worker directly. This destroyed any trust she held around that person and made her very cautious for the future.

Needless to say, there’s a lot going on in the background to raise awareness and to support this sector in any way possible to make sure they get the help that’s so desperately needed. But in light of the fact that gays have pretty much now become mainstream, who knows, perhaps disabled people will be given resources galore to help them express themselves fully sexually. I hope this can happen quickly, I really do.

For more from Caroline Dempsey visit her website.

Can I inject any fun back into our marriage?

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet No Comments

“Since having a motor-cycle accident over a year ago where I lost the use of both my legs, my wife has been my full time carer. Our relationship has been put through the ultimate test, but now I want things to go back to how the used to be. Will our bond be able to remain the same? Can I inject any fun back into our marriage?”

Seenan, Torquay
Brittany’s advice…
This is a problem close to my heart, especially at the minute as I am unwell and my wonderful wife is caring for me too. It’s great that you see that this whole period of your lives has been a test that your relationship has passed, and that it’s time to get that spark back as it really shows how well you are both coping with your new impairment.

It’s testament to what a strong relationship you have. I know that it’s always at the back of your mind, whether this new dynamic of lover/carer will put too much strain on your relationship as I’ve been there. But I expect it’s much more a worry for you than your wife. I think if you communicate openly about any worries or issues you can actually build an even stronger bond than you had before your accident.

How to put the fun back into your marriage? Well I’m a big fan of role play. So why not have your wife dress up as a sexy nurse when she’s doing the caring. or a sexy maid? You’ve already got a load of biker gear, so no worries about you dressing up either eh? It’s really a case of whatever floats your boat.

If you find your impairment impacts on your sexual function you might want to read a few articles I have online on subject. These two on the website Ask Miss Alice cover the issue with a few ideas on bringing and maintaining sex after disability – www.missalicegray.com – part 1 and www.missalicegray.com – part 2.

This one for the website Disability Horizons explores a technique for creating orgasmic zones all over your body, which can be a real help if you loose sensation due to an impairment but can also be fun for anyone disabled or not – www.disabilityhorizons.com

My last bit of advice is to go out and find out how great life can be as a wheelchair user. I found that once I learned that I could do anything from my wheels I grew in confidence and that made me sexy. Your wife cares for you because she loves you and together you can rebuild your lives to make your love stronger, better and much sexier.

For one thing you can now have sex in every room of your house without stopping. Sex on Wheels… nothing like it!

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