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The Love Lounge Live

Here’s a selection of your messages and questions answered by our non expert sexperts…

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Love Lounge: Disabled, deaf and looking for love….help!

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

The question:

Dear Love Lounge,

I’m disabled (I’m deaf and have difficulty with mobility) and have been keenly watching Married At First Sight.  It’s been great to see a deaf person represented in Ross. But it’s been making me feel even more sad because I see how easily he’s got into this relationship with Sacha and how she’s so accepting of him, and I have never experienced that.  I feel like more of a failure – am I so bad? Am I ugly? Or is it because I also have mobility issues that people don’t want me?

I know I’m being self-pitying but I’m cross that it has made me feel like this when I should be excited that a deaf person is being seen on tv and having a successful relationship.

Sorry but I just need some support.

Sam

The answer:

Hi Sam,

I can really appreciate how you feel when you see others being able to do something that you’re really wanting to do, especially when you see them with the thing that you feel limits you.

It could be that you perceive your disability as a negative thing and don’t go out there with your confident pants on and feeling proud of who you are. But that’s never easy, particularly if your self-worth has been dented.

Have you had therapy before to learn to be comfortable with your identity and how you are in the world? It sounds like this could be useful for you. I had lots of therapy until I learnt to not be so hard on myself and have some self-acceptance and kindness towards myself. It can be a looong road, but a very worthwhile one.

Once confidence oozes out of you, people will be attracted to that, and your disability won’t be the main thing they focus on.

Whilst MAFS is great to watch, let’s remember it’s for entertainment and they have had the amazing opportunity of the experts matching them with someone. If only we could all have that! However, that’s not to undermine that Ross is obviously very confident, attractive and used to having relationships and you seeing that makes you feel worse.

Myself and other colleagues can also feel inadequate when we see other disabled people on social media being ultra positive and looking like they can conquer anything.. it’s a real thing, even for us who advocate for disabled people and have confidence around it. What we see either on TV or social media is never the whole story, this is why it’s so important for everyone to be authentic and show vulnerabilities too… if you spoke to Ross, you’d surely hear that he’s lacked confidence, found times hard etc. We all have. Try and remember that, and you will have your own story. You may be doing things that other people wish they could achieve.

With more representation though, non-disabled people will realise they can have lovely relationships with disabled people and it is not something to be nervous about.

Try and get yourself out there, socialise with like-minded people, who have similar interests as you and shine from within. That’s what attracts people.

Write out 10 things you love about yourself now and say them to yourself in the mirror every morning and night. Let’s start building your self worth and confidence!

Take care,
Zoe

Looking to read more Love Lounge questions? Why not visit our Love Lounge blog to find more questions and the answers written by our experts.

November 8, 2024
ADHD and loneliness: A person holding a cup of coffee in their hands

ADHD and loneliness: I need some advice on feeling alone and sad

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question: Struggling with ADHD and loneliness

Dear Love Lounge….

I have something called ADHD (bet you’ve never heard of that, haha).

I only got my diagnosis a few years ago but I’ve known for years I was struggling so it’s a massive relief to finally have a name put to it. I’m a 33 year old woman, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve had to go back and live with my parents. I’ve got a really successful job which is actually very much in the public eye (like a D list celebrity) and I’m good at it.

When it comes to my home life, I can’t cope well at all; my finances are a mess, my flat was so messy I couldn’t even clean it in the end and I wasn’t eating properly. I desperately want to be in a relationship but I feel like such a failure. Who is going to be with someone who can’t even run a house and needs to be looked after by their parents?

I like sex but I find it hard to orgasm with other people because I’m so often trapped in my own head and thoughts. I masturbate a lot and it’s a big relief to me, but I also find it very depressing at the same time.

I’m not sure what advice I need but anything you might suggest to me would be useful. I’m feeling very alone and sad at the moment.

Thanks,
Katy

The answer:

Hi Katy,

Ha, yes I don’t know what ADHD is! On a serious note, it can be really debilitating when you feel like you can’t cope with things like running a household.  Plenty of people struggle with this and plenty of these people have relationships. For now, it’s working that your parents are supporting you and taking that load away from you – but in a relationship you would discuss what things you’ll bring to the table and areas where you lack.  Your partner could be the perfect opposite and cover those areas, and in turn you cover for their weaker areas. It’s about negotiation and working out a system where you can do tasks in manageable chunks.

With regard to struggling to orgasm with other people, ADHD can really affect the focus of staying in the moment and being too easily distracted.  To maintain some focus, doing it in the dark could be helpful.  This eliminates the visual distractions and your senses of touch etc will be heightened. If you find yourself getting carried away in your own thoughts, ground yourself by getting your partner to describe what they’re doing to you (or vice-versa) – this can be sexy anyway, but will help you come back into the moment.

In addition to turning off the lights, you could start by getting yourself really relaxed before intimacy with a partner.  Perhaps a shower and putting the phone away for some time beforehand. Quieten the mind. Sensual touch, stroking, kissing could be all you aim for initially. The end goal doesn’t have to be sex or an orgasm. Take the pressure off yourself. Equally, some touch may become too much for you. It’s really important that you communicate clearly to your partner beforehand what you’re likely to experience and how you would like them to deal with it. eg you know you will get hypersensitive to one type of touch, so rather than grinning and bearing it, you’re confident enough to say to your partner, I need you to stop now and replace it with (a hug, no touch at all, talking, or touch in a different place). You do you!

I totally understand why, despite masturbating being a great relief to you, it then can make you feel depressed. It’s almost reaffirming that ‘I can only do this alone’.  The longer you avoid having sexual relationships, the more this fear could manifest in your head and potentially get bigger.  Hopefully, you’ll be kind to yourself and your situation and allow someone in to enjoy a relationship with you!

Best of luck,

Zoe

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Want to learn more about sex and ADHD? Head to our helpful blog on ADHD can help you find out more about the effect it might have on your sex life.

June 24, 2024
ASD and sexuality: Red lollipops in the shape of heart on a blue background.

ASD and sexuality: how do I explore when sex feels overwhelming?

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question: ASD and questioning my sexuality

Dear Love Lounge…..

I’m a 22 year old guy, I have ASD and I’m trying to figure out my sexuality. I’m pretty sure I’m gay but I still feel I have to work it out as there are some women I’m really attracted to still – but it’s more if they are kind and nice to me.

I find social events really hard so I have a very small group of friends, but they are good people. I’ve only ever had sex a handful of times and this is with a man. I don’t think I really enjoyed it very much. I found it all so overwhelming and intense. The smell and touch of someone was confusing because I really like him but getting so intimate with him I found too much for me.

He used a sex toy on me which was like a male vibrating one and I went along with it but I hated the feel of it and it made my body cringe almost.

I’m now questioning so much – am I asexual or maybe I’m not gay or maybe I’m just broken. I know I’m funny and kind and I do like myself in general, but this is really hard for me and I’ve got nobody to talk to.

Cheers,

Kyle

The answer:

Hi Kyle,

It sounds like you’re confused about putting yourself into a box and labelling your sexuality.  What if you are Asexual? Does that matter? You could develop a relationship with a partner at a level that will match with you.

Equally it could be the ASD sensory overload that is impacting your sexual experience. Learn what your limits are and what you like. Be clear with your partner and set some boundaries early on.  Don’t be nervous to do this – it will be much healthier in the long run. Once you’ve got to the cringe phase, you’ve gone too far.  Taking it slowly and doing the things you’re comfortable with will help you enjoy it more.

Regarding the women that you like when they’re nice to you, it could be just that – they’re friendly and kind.  With ASD you may be mistaking the subtle social nuances and then attaching too quickly. I guess being aware of this pattern might help you to question why you’re feeling attached.  And if you feel sexually attracted to them then that’s something you can also explore. Again it’s about learning what feels right for you and sometimes checking in with yourself to see if ASD is influencing your feelings.

Stay curious! Learn what you’re comfortable with and what you truly like and dislike.  And inform any potential partners ahead of time about how you are likely to feel, act, respond etc.

Good luck with your discoveries!

Zoe

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June 24, 2024
Disclosing dyslexia: three roses in yellow, pink and red

I’m worried about disclosing my dyslexia when dating

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question on disclosing dyslexia:

Hello Love Lounge,

I have dyslexia and it affects my life massively, I’m not sure about disclosing my dyslexia when dating. I found people don’t really understand dyslexia and think it’s just about spelling and grammar etc but for me it affects me in so many other ways. I struggle to remember names of people and places and I find it really hard to follow directions and read any kind of map.

I’m using voice recognition to write this now so please excuse any mistakes. I’ve recently had the courage to start online dating again and I mainly use Hinge because you can use voice notes on the app and it makes it easier for me. However having the confidence to then meet up with someone and going to a place they might suggest, and that I don’t know, fills me with dread. I know I can’t always go to the same places, and I need to get out of my little bubble and comfort zone.

Do I disclose on my profile I’m dyslexic? or do I tell them once we’re chatting, or should I save it until I know them more? I still feel very ashamed about how my brain works but I wish I didn’t.

Thank you,
Sophie

The answer:

Hello Sophie,

It’s so common that people only think of dyslexia affecting reading and writing. But as we know, it can also mean poor organisation skills and poor short-term memory. So, arranging a date can of course bring these issues to the fore and you’re even more nervous than somebody not facing these challenges!

It’s up to you whether you tell the person you’re meeting that you have dyslexia – even if you ask for the things you need from them, you don’t have to say why. Suggest a place you know to begin with, and then when it’s their turn you could ask them to write it down over text for you (if it’s just been decided on a telephone call) so you can research beforehand where it is. If you’re really worried about navigating the map’s directions, you could always meet them nearby the venue at somewhere you know, and then walk up together.

Having a venue suggested to you with very short notice is likely to make you panic more – again be open and say let me know a good few hours before! Again, its up to you whether you say at this point ‘er I’m dyslexic and need time to check where I’m going otherwise, you’ll never meet me if I’m MIA – and what a shame that would be!’

Remember that being dyslexic has loads of good attributes too! They’re going to love your big picture thinking, your dynamism in conversation etc. Don’t let the fear of getting some details muddled put you off!

Have fun and celebrate your brain’s wonderful way of functioning!

Zoe

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Going on a first date? visit our blog page about accessible first date spaces to get some suggestions on where to go!

June 24, 2024
Girlfriend: two hands clasped together.

I have cerebral palsy and use a wheelchair – how do I find a girlfriend?

By The Love Lounge

The question: How do I find a girlfriend?

Hi

I am 33 years old, I have cerebral palsy and I’m in a wheelchair. I have been trying dating sites for a while. Do you have any suggestions? 

I have been trying to find a girlfriend online but I’ve had no luck.

I have not really had sex but I would like to.

Thanks

Glenn

 

The answer:

Hi Glenn,

Dating sites are notoriously difficult for everyone – but even more so when you have a visible disability! People judge too quickly and swipe left!

I wonder if it would be worth you going to a speed dating event? Obviously I don’t know if your speech is affected by your CP which may pose a barrier when it comes to speed dating.. but that option could be good to actually get to meet people and charm them face to face!

You could look at Eventbrite – things to do in the UK and search within your area?

If you want to explore another avenue to have a sexual encounter but with no relationship involved there is the option of using a sex worker.  This isn’t for everyone and should be carefully considered before doing it as some people feel bad afterwards. Yes, they may feel happy that they’ve lost their virginity but they can feel a bit empty afterwards.  You would need to think about it before pursuing it.  You could go on the TLC Trust site where they have sex workers who are comfortable working with disabled people.

Hope this helps, and I’m sorry we can’t be more specific about dating sites.  We have been doing a campaign on Disabled dating apps so check us out on Instagram Instagram Undressing Disability

If you ever want to have a more detailed chat with us, then feel free to book in one of our Love Lounge sessions on Zoom. https://calendly.com/enhancetheuk/60min?month=

Best wishes for some success,

Zoe

Want to read more Love Lounge queries? visit our Love Lounge page to see all of our questions and their answers. 

April 23, 2024
A pink rose in a jar

How do I cope with the power change in our relationship?

By The Love Lounge

The question:

Hi there,

I have become disabled in later life and unfortunately will continue to degenerate.

My wife and I have been together for 30 years and have always had differences in how we approach life.  This hasn’t been such a problem but now that I am less independent it is becoming more apparent. There is a shift in the power dynamic of our relationship that I’m not comfortable with, due to her being the breadwinner. This is having an impact on us sexually too. I almost feel I have to do what she wants and that I’m not considered as much. I think I feel a bit used.

Geoff

 

The answer:

Hello Geoff,

Thanks for your honesty.  It can be really hard for couples to adapt when disability comes into the relationship. It sure can throw out the dynamics that were there before and both of you will be dealing with a whole heap of emotions brought about by the change.

Unfortunately, a lot of disabled people can feel like they’re a burden to family members, friends etc.  It sounds like you and your wife aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet, as it were, and perhaps never have – but it’s now more obvious and creating problems.  I would always encourage checking in with someone regularly asking them how they’re feeling and also getting your feelings heard.  Sounds easy – but not always if the other partner is defensive or doesn’t want to meet you in the middle. 

I don’t know if you feel you can be vulnerable with her – particularly as you say you’re feeling a shift in power.  Usually being vulnerable results in closeness, but equally you need to ensure you feel safe with her (emotionally).  I guess this could play out as having a few small conversations to get her thinking, before you drop the big info about feeling used.  Test the waters first.  Sometimes, if you’re not feeling heard or a conversation quickly escalates into an argument, then perhaps writing a heartfelt letter could be more effective.  She can read and assimilate it when calm and not so defensive.

She may be feeling like she’s carrying the load now and so then gives the air that you should be doing something for her (eg the sexual stuff) and you probably feel like you want to give back/owe her. Maybe let her know that you think she’s doing a great job and you’re proud of her. Maybe she is feeling unseen and is trying to establish a strong role for herself now that your situation is changing. We don’t know if she’s scared of the future as your condition is getting worse. People react in different ways.  This could be pretty complex stuff so if things don’t improve, I would suggest going to a couples therapist where you can both safely express your fears and wishes.

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability #LoveLounge

January 26, 2024
The Quest sex toy range

My Quest: Ellie’s inclusive sex toy joy

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Launching our Quest range was one of the best parts of 2023 and we have been blown away by the response. We wanted to share this wonderful piece of writing by Ellie who tried a few of the Quest toys.

I’m Ellie, a 21-year-old student at Liverpool Hope University studying Disability Studies, and I identify as a disabled woman. My physical impairment goes by the name Cerebral Palsy and prevails in all four limbs of my body, meaning that I am also a powered wheelchair user.

I would say that I have always been quite confident and outgoing; however, reflecting on my secondary school experiences, this was not the case. Studying Disability Studies has been transformative and permitted me to reflect on these past experiences to reveal a new identity for myself. Framing disability as a social construction has truly shown me what it means to be confident in yourself and realise that I am entitled to access whatever I please – it’s just advocating for barrier removal. This self-actualisation has permitted me to embrace who I am, with no justifications needed, and is what got me involved with Enhance.

Growing up, the thought of sexual pleasure subtly resided in the back of my mind, but I mundanely shrugged this off. Given that I had to navigate through a somewhat segregated and ableist secondary school environment, I didn’t see sexual pleasure as a priority or a right. I know it’s a cliche, but university certainly changed my perspective about disability and my identity as a disabled young woman.

Sex, sexuality and disability

Studying the topic of sexuality and disability at university reaffirmed that disabled people have sexual desires and the right to express themselves sexually. Of course, being disabled myself, I already knew this, but the newfound self I discovered during my time at university gave me a tremendous urge to explore my options further.

I began resonating back with my younger self, recognising that the lack of information around disability and sexual pleasure made me feel quite self-conscious about my little understanding of how I can access things like sex toys, having so many questions about the functionality of using a sex toy.

Of course, growing up, I’ve tried masturbating and have always found that I can’t position my hand even to get close, or my involuntary hand movements make the attempt too forceful and uncoordinated, which is uncomfortable.

Through discovering a passion for this topic and the personal journey of self-discovery and acceptance, I plucked up the courage to contact the Love Lounge. It was so refreshing to be in an environment that encapsulated the essence of validation and advocacy. I felt incredibly at ease exploring how I could better facilitate my sexual desires, and this is where I learned about the Quest Adventure panty vibrator.

I was just compelled and amazed that adapted sex toys exist. These toys should be marketed with no question, but being absconded from sexual pleasure for most of my adolescence, this was something to get excited about! From the accessible packaging to the performance, I’ve been impressed by the product and its functionality, speaking from a disabled person’s perspective!

I’ve found that it’s more than just a toy; it’s the self-actualisation that I can masturbate, and the lack of discussion about disabled people being able to pleasure themselves is what needs addressing in society. Enhance fosters this perfectly, further empowering me to embrace my identity and instil this in other disabled girls similar to my teenage self!

Interested in the Quest range? Why not visit the Quest website

Got a problem for our sexperts at Love Lounge? Send in your questions and have a chat with us by visiting our Love Lounge page.

January 11, 2024
A collection of the parts that make up the Discover wand in the Quest range by Enhance the UK and Rocks Off Ltd

Can you advise me on a self pleasuring device I can use with a complex physical disability?

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

I am writing for some advice as a disabled wheelchair user with a complex physical disability who has a small structure with limited and short arms and was wondering if you might be able to recommend any devices for solitary enjoyment. I would be able to put a toy over my penis if the item was easy enough to stretch open without too much strength required.

Thanks,
Tony

The Answer

I can suggest some ideas for you – and hope that some will be useable with the strength you do have.  Remember, it is ok to ask a PA/carer to assist you with the use of a sex toy – they can put the attachment on your penis for you, as long as you’re not erect. And they mustn’t be in the room when the toy is switched on, or when any sexual activity is occurring.

So, now for some product ideas!! –

  • We have our new inclusive sex toy range, Quest, out now.  There is a wand called Discover with a long handle and a grip handle for easier use with limited dexterity. If you sign up to the emails you get 25% off your first order!  

This is a good product if you can manage to get the sleeve on.

A couple of other options that I often recommend are

 A cheaper option would be the

Hope you have some success.  Would be great to hear any feedback.

Cheers,

Damien

December 5, 2023
A notepad ready to take notes with a pen balanced on top

How do I navigate my sexual needs and my live in care workers need to record

By The Love Lounge

I am a severely disabled lady with Cerebral Palsy approaching 60.

I have been messaging a man for years. it was just a general chat, but this year we have become more sexually expressive, which I am enjoying..

I have live-in care and obviously, the care workers sleep next door to me, so they would hear anything we do, and they are required to record everything they do. they would have to record that someone has visited me.

He lives in 3 hours away from me so it would just be for a meal and hopefully some intimacy when we meet up.

I have never been with an able-bodied man before, and I really want to experience that. But I am a bit nervous of his reaction if I can’t move the way able-bodied women do. I have told him how disabled I am, but I am used to shocked responses from people who haven’t seen me before.

He has said he is interested in having sex with a disabled woman and is willing to come down to a hotel for a meet up. He is happy to help me sexually if the occasion presents itself and is right.

I don’t know how to get the care worker to respect my privacy as a passionate and sexual woman – they are required to record everything they do with me and for me.

I have had a meeting with the care manager at the agency and they just said, if a care worker is with me, they have to write down what they do and where we go.

I really don’t know what to do or who to get to help with this situation. I need advice from an outside person, who isn’t judgemental, and knows that sexual activity is a human need.

Thank you for your help.

Fiona

 

The Answer:

It sounds lovely that your friendship with this man has developed into something titillating – and it sounds like you’re enjoying that!  And like you say, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will lead to something physical on the day, as you’ll only do what you’re comfortable with.

It’s always a difficult situation when you live with care when you want some intimate private time.  Of course, there are safeguarding issues with regard to the carers and agency covering themselves, however as long as you have capacity you should be able to make the life choices you want.  Yes, they may need to write where you went etc but they don’t need to write intimate details.  And really those notes shouldn’t be shared with anybody else other than your team. (unless of course a situation arises re safeguarding etc).

So, I guess if you don’t mind your favourite carers knowing, and they’re the ones you have helping you that day, then the thought of it being written down shouldn’t stop you doing this meet up. Be proud of your passion. I totally understand it’s not what any other adult has to go through – they don’t get their sexual activity documented – so it seems unfair that we do.

However, as I say, they will not need to write explicit details. So, weigh up your levels of embarrassment and (an unfortunately necessary) invasion of your privacy with your desire to go ahead with this meeting with your man… The agency’s choice of safeguarding you needs to be the least restrictive option!

Good luck and you have every right to express your sexuality and experience intimacy. Just remember to put things in place and do everything you can to keep yourself safe.

Enjoy!
Zoe x

December 5, 2023
Photo of two peoples feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

Seeking a Sex Worker Service

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

I have a high functioning autistic spectrum disorder and want to seek a sex worker to feel more comfortable around women.  I’d like to use a service that has people confident working with disabled people.  Who do you recommend?

Also, I don’t know how it works as I’m new to this – should I be transparent about my ASD?

Thank you,
Matt

The Answer

Hi Matt,
Unfortunately we don’t have information on specific sex workers.  However, if you contact SHADA they may be able to help you more!
Sex and Disability Helpline +44(0) 7900 957 393 11am-7pm weekdays.
I think honesty is always the best policy. Particularly as you’re paying for a service so you want the best experience for yourself.  If you were going on a dating site, there’s the whole debate around whether you disclose your disability or impairment straight away… but seeing as you’re seeking a sex worker who needs to be suitable for you, then I think it’s best they know your access requirements.  And also be clear about what kind of experience you want – you don’t just have to be grateful that they are providing you with sex and they’re ok with your ASD.  Think about what pleasures you like and see what they are happy to offer you.
I hope you hear back from them. And ultimately hope you have a great time!
Take care,
Zoe
The Love Lounge Team

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability #LoveLounge

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August 21, 2023
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