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Apr 15
Split image. On the left is the book cover of “Notes from a Queer Cripple: How to Cultivate Queer Disabled Joy (and Be Hot While Doing It)” by Andrew Gurza. The title features shiny, metallic balloon-style text on a pink and blue gradient background. On the right is a smiling person wearing a bright pink shirt, seated in a power wheelchair with an orange headrest, against a soft yellow background. They are holding the wheelchair controls and looking directly at the camera.

Andrew Gurza….on his new book, online visibility and queer spaces

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

There is no better time to be following Andrew Gurza on Instagram than right now. His debut book, ‘Notes From A Queer Cripple: How to Cultivate Queer Disabled Joy (and Be Hot While Doing It!)‘ is due for release on April 26th through Jessica Kingsley Publishers and it is a joy to read. The book, much like Andrew’s Instagram is an unapologetic, open, honest account of queer disabled experiences and sexuality.

Andrew bounces from topics such as ableism to accessible spaces to the realities of coming out to carers. All this is in his trademark humour and relatable writing style.

Andrew is a young white man sitting in a power chair. He has short brown hair and is smiling at the camera. He has a pink shirt which has two white buttons at the neck. There is a coral-coloured cushion behind his head. He is looks happy and is smiling

We asked Andrew questions about his writing process and what inspired him to write such an important book.

What made you decide to write a book and how was the process?

Funnily enough, I had wanted to write this exact book for years before being approached about it by Jessica Kingsley Publishers.  One of their editorial staff found me through my tweets, and said that they’d love to see an outline for a book, if I would take a meeting.  That was back in 2022.  I signed the contract and then took about 2 years, and several meetings to actually write the book.  I needed a lot of reassurance and encouragement because I didn’t believe that what I was saying had any value.  Once I got in the groove of writing, it was pretty seamless, but unearthing some of those stories and accessing that vulnerability was hard. 

A blue box featuring four books by disabled authors. One of which is Andrew Gurza. It offers 20% off the books by using the code ENHANCE20 and free delivery over £40

Visit the Jessica Kingsley Publishers page to shop the book. Use code ENHANCE20 for 20% off.

How did you find being so open in the book about your sexual experiences and disability?

I have been talking about sex and disability and my experiences for almost 15 years, so I am pretty comfortable doing that.  I love talking about it because I think that it is just as important as talking about ramps, elevators and access, if not more.  While I was comfy doing it, there are some stories that even my family hasn’t heard, so knowing those stories would be out there has been nerve wracking, lol.  (Sorry, mom). 

Why are so many queer spaces so inaccessible for disabled people?

I was ready to write you a big, long, expansive answer but the truth is: ableism.  We have all this money in the queer community to donate to so many causes (and we should!) but for some reason (ableism) we can’t make a club actually accessible?  Come on.  Our attitudes around sex and disability need to change, and we need to address ableism in queer spaces first. 

How do you find being so visible online -do you find it a positive or negative experience? 

I’d be lying if I said it was easy to be disabled online as a public figure.  I am so grateful for all the visibility has brought me; a book, for one.  That said, I won’t lie, it has also been incredibly negative.  Some of the cruelest things I’ve heard have come from other disabled people.  So, I love the platforms that I have built, and I am always learning, growing and apologising when I misstep, but I am also learning to protect my peace.  I am so thankful when someone says they love my stuff, but I am also learning to be thankful when I am called out.  How can I do better?  That’s an important lesson that I am constantly asking myself. 

Your chapter on queerness and caregiving was powerful – what do you wish people knew about care and being queer/non-binary?

I wish that people understood that so many people with disabilities who intersect with queerness and disability who need care, may not be able to be 100% themselves by way of non-binary, gender non-conforming or trans identities, because they need care.  The care system is stuck in a binary place, and so many of us have to hide all of who we are, and that can be exhausting.  

The blue and pink cover of Andrew's book: Notes From A Queer Cripple: How to Cultivate Queer Disabled Joy (and Be Hot While Doing It!)

What was one of the most powerful things you learned while writing the book?

I was constantly reminded that sex and disability are so taboo in 2025.  Every time I recounted one of the essays or sat down to write a new chapter, I realised that I had never seen anything like this in the world.  That realisation was both triumphantly exhilarating but also sad as f*ck.  I hope this book opens the floodgates for other queer cripples to tell their stories.

What advice would you give to other disabled queer people?

Talk about the hard stuff.  Don’t do what every other queer disabled cripple is doing.  Tell your story; I promise, we’ve heard nothing like it.  Fight for sexual rights and autonomy, they’re just as important as other forms of accessibility.  Be more disabled and f*ck the haters.

Visit the Jessica Kingsley Publishers page to shop the book. Use code ENHANCE20 for 20% off.

Want to read more blog posts? Why not visit our blog page

Sep 19
A collection of light pink hearts

Sam Ranke on…the importance of finding your tribe

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Most well rounded, emotionally available people would like to think they are somehow impermeable to bias. That being a good human arms you with a cloak against the unconscious bias that seeps in all around us. 

Unfortunately, the “good person, bad person” binary doesn’t exist when we look at prejudice and discriminatory ideologies and actions. Truth is we are all born into a world where harmful stereotypes and tropes are systemic, institutional, and darn insidious in their nature. We all inhale the unconscious bias smog that seeps in around us, through our media and social structures 

This also includes me. 

Three people are in a group: one person is wearing a black dress and holding a pink heart balloon, another is sitting in a wheelchair wearing a leopard print top and black hat. The other person is standing wearing all black

Oh yes, for years my ableism was real and stank! 

What’s more important however is how I got to where I am today. As a proud Disabled woman. 

At the ripe old age of thirty-eight, I’d describe myself as a cat mum, Buffy The Vampire Slayer über fan, home interior enthusiast. An actor, broadcaster, podcast host and consultant yet, my most treasured accolade to date is being able to say, without hesitation, that I am a proud Disabled woman. 

This, however, did not happen overnight. Coming to this conclusion and feeling it deep within my soul, in every ounce of my being, took years and still sometimes feels like an uphill battle just to maintain. 

For the past twelve years I’ve devoted almost all of my career and free time supporting and learning more about Disability culture and the Disabled community. Trying my best to amplify the voices of my fellow community whilst learning to love my own difference and feel pride in a part of my life that holds such presence in my day-to-day life. 

I was born with a condition often referred to as Brittle Bones, essentially my body does not produce type one cologne. This means my bones and organs are weak. I’ve had hundreds of fractures throughout my life and as a baby would be carried like a prized chihuahua on a cushion, too fragile to be cradled typically how babies would (this fact often makes me chuckle, as I question where my Diva behaviour comes from – (Clearly, we have the answer.)

I was the only person in my family with this condition and it came as a surprise to them all.  

Two years ago, I published my memoir You Are The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread and during this process I had the pleasure of interviewing my mum. Heartbreakingly she describes my birth more like a bereavement rather than a day of joy and celebration. Not only did no one come to the hospital to beam congratulations or go for a few drinks to wet the baby’s head. No, they all saw my birth as a tragedy. Even the doctors who delivered me braced my young parents for the worst: “I’m so sorry there is something wrong with your baby” an all too familiar sentence. 

You see, not only had I come into this world with a diagnosis – brittle bone disease – but I came into this world with a label. That label was Disabled. 

Synonymous with shouldn’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t.

I’ve spent all my life negating those labels. Yet, even as tenacious and feisty as I am, I too fed into the belief that Disabled meant lesser than. Less cool, less accomplished, and worst of all less deserving. 

I grew up with the same teenage angst and body image issues as most kids but on the whole, I liked who I was for the most part. I was sociable and had many friends. Sure, as I grew the more, I noticed how my Disability was an issue for others, but I still had a good grounding in self-love. I liked me, but I really didn’t like other Disabled people. 

In fact, growing up I didn’t ever mix with any other Disabled kids outside the parameters of going to my annual check-up at my specialist hospitals. 

Then and only then did I meet other people in wheelchairs or with the same condition as me, brittle bones. When I looked at them, all I saw were the stereotypes or at least that’s what I convinced myself I saw. 

Sam has long blonde hair and is wearing a light green hate. She is sitting in a wheelchair holding a red shiny balloon shaped like a heart. She wears a white shirt and black skirt

Truth is, I was so scared to identify with any part of my Disability identity that I didn’t allow myself to even befriend or acknowledge others from my community. 

This may come as a shock to some of you reading this as horrible as my ableism was, I wouldn’t say I am ashamed to admit that this is how I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood, rejecting disability culture and other Deaf and Disabled people. 

Can you blame me? 

I had no one telling me it was okay to be Disabled, more than ok, it was beautiful, and I should be unapologetic about it. 

I had no one tell me I was allowed to feel pride and love for a part of me that had shaped who I am today. No one had told me that I could be loved as a Disabled woman or feel like I could be admired and cherished. 

I had convinced myself that the only way I could and would be accepted by society was if I shunned anything that encapsulated any part of my Disability identity. 

This, however, was a very lonely path. 

Not only because I needed to be told that I am worthy of everything life has to offer and more but also because other Disabled people are bloody amazing and I absolutely needed some of that energy in my life. 

I’d lived in a world that pushed the divide and conquer narrative because alone we are easy to manipulate. Alone, we are not strong, alone we are vulnerable. 

What I really needed was my tribe. Because once I found them my life changed forever. 

This is where I do a shameless plug for my memoir You Are The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread available in hardback and audio, to find out exactly what happened when I embraced my Disability identity, my tribe and my community. 

You can purchase You Are The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread by visiting this link to the Amazon website.

Aug 07

Thinking of trying anal sex?

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Thinking of trying anal sex?

Anal sex can be a completely natural, normal and fun part of your sex life. However, it is something that needs a bit of planning before you start. If you are disabled or neurodivergent then you may have some extra questions about it.

Our helpful blog will explain what you need to know about anal sex, disability and neurodiversity.

What is anal?

Anal sex is any sexual activity involving the anus. This could be using fingers, toys, penis or tongues (rimming). Lots of people enjoy anal sex as part of their regular sex life but some may find it too painful or dislike the idea of it.

What do I need to know?

1 – Use lube: It’s important to invest in a good lubricant and keep applying it. Silicone lubricants are considered best for anal sex as they don’t dry out as quickly. However, it’s important to note if the lube you are using is safe for use with condoms and toys.

2 – Communication: Keep communication going with your partner to know if anything changes for them during sex. This could be that you need more lube, or it has started to hurt or if they want to stop.

3 – Condoms: Using condoms can help keep you safe from STI/Ds.

Anal and toys:

There are lots of different toys created with anal in mind! While there are some that you can try like butt plugs or anal beads, it is important to check that whatever you opt for is safe. Toys that are safe for use in the anus will have a flared base that stops the body from sucking a toy upwards. This is why bullet vibrators are not safe for use in the anus because it is difficult to remove them and may require surgery. Always check a toy is safe before you use it – If in doubt, leave it out!

Looking for a good accessible sex toy suitable for anal?

Discover is a wand with a little extra. Developed between Undressing Disability and Rocks Off, Discover is part of the Quest range which is developed with accessibility in mind.  The wand is a rechargeable, vibrating body wand for intimate use with two attachments and remote control with large buttons. It offers six vibration settings and is made from sensory soft touch silicone which is body safe

Visit the Rocks Off website to view the Discover wand

Anal sex and pain

If you are experiencing pain, it’s important to stop. You could be experiencing pain for any number of reasons and risk causing more damage to the body by continuing.

Anal and bowel conditions

If you have a condition like Crohn’s or one that affects the bowel, you may be worried about the risks. The lining of the bottom and rectum is very thin which means there is a chance it could be damaged meaning that you risk an infection from anal sex if there is a cut in your bottom. If you have inflammation as a result of your Crohn’s, then the risk of damage may be higher especially if you have any ulcers or bleeding.

Strictures, which some people with Crohn’s may experience, might cause tightening making anal sex difficult or slightly more painful. You can reduce the risk by using lube, having good foreplay and making sure you are as relaxed as possible during sex. Going on top may reduce the risk because you can control the depth and speeds too.

Try to avoid sex during a flare-up and give your body a chance to recover. If you do want to have sex then look at other positions until you feel well enough to retry anal sex. Pain or bleeding is usually a sign that you need to stop until you are fully healed.

Anal sex and douching

Some people may choose to douche before anal sex to clean the bottom. This is thought to reduce accidents but can sometimes cause inflammation. If you don’t or can’t douche, then you might choose to gently clean the area instead

Remember, it’s personal choice and up to you to decide if you do or don’t douche.

Poop happens!

Sometimes nothing will happen then other times you will find that there might be a small amount of poop. This is no reason to feel embarrassed or upset, it is completely normal. Just make sure to jump into the shower.

It is natural to be worried about faeces or blood during anal sex especially if you have a condition that involves either. Pressure on the body in that particular area or the stomach can also add to the feeling of needing to go to the bathroom. It is worth communicating with your partner to discuss the potential outcome and prepping the area beforehand so you have towels close to hand or lube nearby.

You could also consider using gloves, dental dams and other protection to stop things from spreading or transferring. Everything – including toys – should be cleaned afterwards to prevent bacteria or anything nasty.

Positioning the body

Researching the right position for you and your body can take a while but its worth putting in the time. It can help you to feel more confident and keep any aches or pains to a minimum. This can include pillows, bolsters, wedges or any other positioning equipment that can help your body be in this position.

Lube and sensitivity

We already mentioned that lube is a must-have for anal sex as is finding the right one. It’s worth noting that some neurodivergent people may struggle with the texture of different lubes or the smell. Flavoured or fruity lubricants may have a strong smell which is difficult for some people. It might take a little while to shop around to find the right one.

We have loads of blog posts! Fancy reading more about sex, love and disability? Of course you do. Please visit the Undressing Disability blog section of our website to scroll through our selection.

Aug 21
Photo of two peoples feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

Seeking a Sex Worker Service

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

I have a high functioning autistic spectrum disorder and want to seek a sex worker to feel more comfortable around women.  I’d like to use a service that has people confident working with disabled people.  Who do you recommend?

Also, I don’t know how it works as I’m new to this – should I be transparent about my ASD?

Thank you,
Matt

The Answer

Hi Matt,
Unfortunately we don’t have information on specific sex workers.  However, if you contact SHADA they may be able to help you more!
Sex and Disability Helpline +44(0) 7900 957 393 11am-7pm weekdays.
I think honesty is always the best policy. Particularly as you’re paying for a service so you want the best experience for yourself.  If you were going on a dating site, there’s the whole debate around whether you disclose your disability or impairment straight away… but seeing as you’re seeking a sex worker who needs to be suitable for you, then I think it’s best they know your access requirements.  And also be clear about what kind of experience you want – you don’t just have to be grateful that they are providing you with sex and they’re ok with your ASD.  Think about what pleasures you like and see what they are happy to offer you.
I hope you hear back from them. And ultimately hope you have a great time!
Take care,
Zoe
The Love Lounge Team

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability #LoveLounge

Next question
Jul 31
Photo of Sandie with their hand on the side of their face, smiling looking to the side.

Defy Society’s Expectations: A Guide to Overcoming the Challenges of Building Body Confidence

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

TW Eating Disorder, Abuse, Ableism

 

Society is a high maintenance significant other, it’s not shy about placing impossible expectations on disabled people when it comes to how we should feel about our bodies. However, it is possible to defy these preconceived notions and build your own body confidence from the ground up. Today, I would like to share my personal journey of overcoming the distinct challenges that accompany living with a disability, all while striving for body neutrality and positivity. Additionally, I proudly identify as queer and non-binary, to add a bit of extra spice to the mix. I will also provide tips and resources for you, dear reader, if you’re looking to do the same, so that you can begin to reclaim your self worth and be truly confident in your own skin.

The Before: A Portrait of Misplace Worth

Let me start from the beginning. Before my disability, my worth seemed tied to unhealthy measures. How I looked mattered more than it should have, but given my history of traumatic  rejection and a life full of drama, it’s not surprising. I controlled my outward appearance because I couldn’t control my pain. The only thing I seemed to have control over was what I ate, or rather, what I didn’t. And it worked, to some extent. I stumbled through life in a blind haze, just trying to survive without many skills beyond that. I pretended everything was fine, until it wasn’t. When I became disabled, the inability to exercise and a slew of medications quickly changed my physical appearance. This was not ideal for someone who believed they had to look a certain way to be worthy of love. And so, I tried to ignore this uncomfortable new reality, plastering on smiles whenever someone asked, “how are you?”

The Turning Point: When Old Coping Strategies Fail

Then came the day when all my control tactics failed and my coping strategies went out the  window. I was left completely helpless. Let’s summarise this section of my life as the “dark and twisty time” aptly named by Meredith Grey. I found myself an empty shell, curled on the floor in the shadows of my bedroom. All the ways to find my self-worth vanished with my mobility, replaced by ableist views and a body that refused to look recognisable in the mirror.

Emerging into Light: Choosing A Path of Self-Love

Eventually, there came a time, an end to that darkness. At the fork in the road, I chose to fill the void with things that shaped my self-worth from a foundation of love and belief in myself. I realised I deserved to be happy and would be okay, just as I am, without the need for change or approval from others. I discovered the disabled community and started connecting with people who shared similar experiences. It was a revelation to realise that I wasn’t the issue; it was the world around me. What an incredible day, dear reader!

Uncharted Territory: Embracing the New Disabled Me

Society expects disabled individuals to conform, but I realised I didn’t fit that mould. I wanted to be bold, proud, and shiny! I didn’t want to fade into the background. And the best part? There were no “society police” to hold me back. It felt like discovering the power to fly! The joy and freedom were exhilarating. It was time to embrace the fun!

A Critical Eye: Society’s Obsession with “Self-improvement”

Over the last 5 years as a full-time wheelchair user, I’ve had fun times and faced struggles. But it  can be hard to embrace a changed body when society tells us to “fix” what we don’t like. What if we don’t want to, what if we can’t? Why are we always judged? The critical eye surrounds us, from screens to magazines. I say, it’s time to change our mindset, not our bodies.

The Struggle for Independence: A Lesson in Acceptance

Losing mobility or health can result in a loss of independence, which was personally one of the toughest challenges for me to overcome. I used to hate asking for help. I saw it as a sign of  weakness but I’ve grown a lot in the last 5 years. Now I see accepting help as what it is, a simple division of labour. They help me, I’ll do something else another time. Maybe. Maybe I won’t but it doesn’t really matter, it evens out in the end. Coming to terms with this can be difficult, there may be ways to regain independence or maybe not. Take a moment, reflect on what truly matters. It could be a transformative time of self-discovery and growth. Remember that empty shell? Perhaps this is an opportunity to build something from the ground up, a chance to turn towards
happiness.

Beyond Media Stereotypes of Disability: The Beautiful Truth

While there has been improvement, the portrayal of disabled bodies in the media still falls short. We come in all shapes and sizes, beautifully unique. If all anyone sees is a watered-down version, it can be challenging to see your own beauty.

Battling Bias: Rising Above Society’s Views

But it’s a harmful lie. Our magnificent variations make us all beautiful. The curve of a body, our movement or stillness, our quiet – all so very beautiful. If all mountain ranges looked the same, why would we travel? If all trees had the same shape, who would meditate in a forest? Nature creates everything uniquely, fostering diversity and making the world more beautiful. My heart aches for those who feel unworthy or unloved. Anger fuels my ongoing fight against an unaccepting society, and I’m far from finished.

Helpful Hints: Building Connection with Your True Self

Discovering your true self and embracing your disabled body can be challenging in a society that ignores our needs. Here are some tips to help you connect, accept and respect your body.

  • Find your people! When I joined the disability community online it was an absolute turning point. You need people who’ll support you without the need for explanation. Those are your people. Nurture those friendships and get a good network of professionals while you’re at it, a good doctor is a wondrous thing!
  • Be kind to yourself. How often have you spoken harsh words to your reflection? Your brain hears and believes you! Instead be compassionate and gentle. It matters.
  • If you want to set goals, make them realistic. Move towards your goal with kindness, rather than with judgment. Look for guidance in line with your new beliefs. Strive for self-neutrality when self-love feels inadequate, as it could lead you to your ultimate destination.
  • Remember, as an incredible disabled person, you are more than just that. Your personality has many facets, and you possess lots of skills and abilities unrelated to your disability. These aspects will provide perspective, especially if you feel overwhelmed by your new disabled body.

The Danger of Looking Back: Avoiding the Nostalgia Trap

Don’t spend all your time looking backwards. It’s not just bad for your neck, but also harmful to  your mental health! Focusing only on what was and no longer is prevents you from being all you can be and appreciating beauty in the now. While it’s fine to reminisce, remember that we often sugar coat the past. The key to happiness really starts with accepting our reality.

Body Confidence: A Journey, Not a Destination

Building a new relationship with your body takes time, effort, and dedication. Just like any other relationship, it requires respect and love. It becomes even more challenging when dealing with disability or chronic illness. So, be kind to yourself if you find this aspect of your life difficult. Progress may not always be linear, but we’ve all been thrown back to square one and will be again. When we quite literally don’t fit into society – in marketing, in governmental decisions, literally in buildings, it’s no wonder we find it hard to feel confident and stand up for ourselves. We are being told we don’t matter every single day – from when we are trying to buy a pint of milk through to who’s last in line for life saving medical services.

Your Toolkit: Strategies for Building Body Confidence

But the fact is we do matter, our bodies are beautifully valid just as much as the next person’s – disabled or not.
Some ways you can look to build your arsenal of strength towards your body confidence journey are:

  • Curate your social media feeds. You’re in charge here. Remove accounts that make you feel bad and keep those that make you feel good. Surround yourself with accounts that inspire and align with the life you’ve chosen. This is a powerful tool at your disposal, and you’re in control!
  • Look for support through therapy. It acts as a gym for your heart, mind, and soul, requiring regular workouts to keep healthy.
  • Don’t underestimate the power of a good group of friends. Talk to them!
  • Look up support from organisations such as www.spokzpeople.org.uk, www.scope.org.uk, and of course there’s all the community and resources available at the Undressing Disability Hub.

The Final Word: We Matter

Here’s the bottom line, dear reader, each of our bodies is beautifully unique and wonderfully diverse, not confined to the limitations of a cookie-cutter shape, and society might have a bit of a problem with that, but we don’t. Because our bodies carry us through life, they endure, they persevere. They’re a testament to our strength and resilience – we might not have wanted it but that’s what we got. We ARE strong and resilient, we ARE spectacularly diverse and that’s worth more than fitting into some cookie-cutter mould. So next time you hear yourself speak sharply to your reflection, or find you spend too much time reminiscing and end up feeling resentful of your present situation, pause. Take a deep breath. And remind yourself that you matter, your body matters, and it’s long overdue for the world to recognise that.
And maybe, just maybe you’re one to help change things – one small act of self love at a time.

Sandie Roberts, Disability Advocate, Content Creator, Writer & PT Model

Apr 25
close up photograph of two people putting their wedding rings on each other hands

Overcoming Wedding Day Nerves

By The Love Lounge

 

The Question

Hi, I’m excited to say I’m getting married next year but I’m quite anxious about some aspects of the day as I’m a wheelchair user and can’t stand up at all. I’m nervous about how everyone will look at me when I come down the aisle, or when we have our first dance. I don’t want to feel awkward just because it’s not going to be the ‘normal’ way of doing things. Do you have any ideas as I’ve never seen a wedding where the bride is in a wheelchair?

Thanks,
Leanne x

 

The Answer

Hi Leanne,

Firstly, a big Congratulations!

You have loads of experience, I’m sure, of having to adapt the ‘normal’ way of doing things. It’s standard for us disabled people! So your wedding will be no different. Make it your own. There are lots of things to think about when planning a wedding – venue, guests, dress, photos. They’re all things you want to get right when planning your day. Some people spend years planning these things and being disabled can make planning a wedding more complicated.

Venue

Finding a venue that is accessible can be full of difficulties. Things to look at include wheelchair access, accessible toilets and if you’re booking a venue that guests can stay at, making sure there are accessible rooms for disabled guests. It may also be worth enquiring if the honeymoon suite is accessible as if you are disabled you should not be excluded from using the honeymoon suite if you are getting married at a hotel style venue.

Wedding dress

Make sure you spend time looking at dresses and trying them on. If you have hand dexterity issues you may need to think about zips and buttons and if you will need someone to help you get in and out of the dress. If you are a wheelchair user, you may also need to think about how the dress will look when you’re sitting in your chair. Or if you are an ambulant wheelchair user, you may want a dress that looks good both in your chair or if you stand.

Coming down the aisle

There is often pressure for brides to walk down the aisle and to have the perfect photos. If it is not possible for you to walk or you may use all of your energy doing this, try not to stress about this or let it get you down. The day is about you and your partner so do what feels best for you both rather than worrying about what others think. There are plenty of examples of people coming down the aisle in groups dancing or doing something funny – again, removing that pressure and focus on you ‘walking’ down the aisle and staring at you. But people know you as a wheelchair user so equally be proud of that and flaunt it if you want!

Photos

This also goes for wedding photos; you may think of fun ways of using your wheelchair or mobility aids in your photos. Don’t feel any pressure to not use them. They are part of you, so don’t feel you need to disguise or hide them for your wedding day.

First Dance

The first dance can also put a lot of pressure on couples. It seems the days are gone when a simple slow dance would do. Even that can feel awkward if you’re a wheelchair user. Many people do complex fun dances, maybe including all the groomsmen and bridesmaids… this may make it seem even more daunting but actually you can make this really fun with whatever ability you have. It can make you
less conspicuous too if you’re worried about that.

(But everyone will want to see you looking glowing, happy and having fun! It’s all about you!)
The main thing is to enjoy the day as much as you can, as the day will fly by so it’s best to do everything that makes you feel comfortable and relaxed. Weddings are less formal nowadays and less structured in their tradition – anything goes! So you really can tailor it around your disability and omit or add bits you want that suit your personality best!

Hope you have the best day,
Zoe and Damian x

The Love Lounge Team

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Apr 03
Photograph of Alex smiling at the camera in an all black outfit (t-shirt and trousers) with a pink blazor

Alex Vasquez: Advocate for Disability and Sexuality Rights

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Meet Alex Vasquez (@TheWheelsBlog)

Alex Vasquez is a 27 year old digital content creator and communicator known as TheWheelsBlog online. He is an advocate for disability and sexuality rights and uses his platforms to make a difference. Alex is originally from Costa Rica but moved across to London in 2021 to study abroad. He has a love for travelling and witnessing how people with disabilities live in their own corners of the world.

Tell us more about your advocacy work. What is it all about and what made you want to start advocating in the first place?

I focus specifically on the intersection of sexuality and people with disabilities. I came out as a queer person back in 2011, when I was only 15 years old. That was when I first realised that I combined in my identities, two very different communities that were not exactly contributing to the acceptance of the other. In reality, in most of the places I have visited, the discrimination against one another is persistent. Non-disabled queer people don’t usually accept those with disabilities and even build spaces for sexual exploration that aren’t disability friendly. And straight cisgender disabled people usually discriminate a lot against sexual diversity. Through this first understanding, I identified the gap of representation of people who could identify with more than 2 communities. People who are intersections, bridges, and hubs. Now I run a online blog (@TheWheelsBlog) on TikTok where I try to evidence this intersection through the themes of access, travel, and so much more.

What was it like to grow up gay and disabled in Costa Rica?

It was complicated. On the positive end, I grew up in a very loving and accepting family, which is rare for a Latin American country. So I was able to always prioritise my own identity and authenticity before anything else. However, it was also very challenging as I grew older and didn’t get the equal opportunities of exploration that my age peers were having. For example, I hung out with my friends even in my undergrad years in the same spaces as in high school: the movie theatre, the shopping mall, and local cafés. I wasn’t able to go to bars as often as I wanted because most of them were not wheelchair friendly. And even when I did attend those spaces, the reality always hit me that people access was not yet there. Other gay men would treat me as a child and not consider me an option.

How did your experience of being gay and disabled change when you moved to London?

I think I can best summarise this (as it is many things all at once) by stating that London helped me put the logistics of my life to a secondary level of priority. All of sudden, the NHS would cover all the medications I needed for my diabetes. Transport would be free as a wheelchair user. I could attend a wheelchair friendly gym. Most bars and pubs were adapted. My independence grew exponentially as I started living on my own. And with this, my main investment came to be my own self and growing as an adult which I needed in order to start also exploring my sexuality and my interactions with any human in general.

Let’s talk about dating, have you noticed anything different about the dating scene in London as a gay and disabled person, compared to back home in Costa Rica?

The changes are not major I will say. There is still much isolation for people with disabilities in their sexual lives. The infantilisation is still here and hasn’t changed much. But I will say that I can perceive an overall increase in how people are more receptive to learning about disability and applying that to their dating lives. This is probably due to the diversity hub that London captures from so many walks of life and places in the world. I do feel more accepted and understood. And there are certainly services and programs dedicated to raising awareness to this. I don’t feel as alone here. And the dating apps have sometime even worked! This was not the case back home.

Travel seems to be a big part of your life, do you encounter any notable differences travelling between countries, not just as a gay man but also as a disabled person?

Yes!!! Being a disabled tourist in the UK and in Europe is so much easier. There are trains and commuting systems already made accessible for you. Hotels and other staying venues have already experienced hosting people with disabilities before. Travelling is still much more expensive for us here. Hotels are very expensive when getting a disability room, but I am very happy that I can make these travelling projects with more places in mind and activities to do than back in Costa Rica, where the United States and Canada would be my options if I wanted certainty that these would be disability friendly destinations. I even found a wheelchair friendly beach in Barcelona, one of my favourite cities so far, I had such a beautiful short time there. I felt seen.

What would you say is the best approach to inclusion and support for disabled people? What are your thoughts on a one size fits all approach?

I believe we need to start thinking of inclusion in a case by case basis. I understand why an initial solution to an issue would necessarily be a standard measure, but systems need to become more flexible in researching for different cases and their circumstances. Sometimes, we will know what is best for us, so listen to us. Sometimes we won’t and we will all need to do some research together. As long as authorities continue to be trained on disability, which I think the most important part of understanding disability is exactly that: listening.

Real access doesn’t come with lifts, wheelchair friendly tube stations, or screen reading software. Real access is when you are able to connect with other humans who do not understand you, but who are willing to learn from your disability and your needs. Who are willing to be your employer, your teacher, your peer, your bestie, and even your lover.

Each disability has its own challenges. Let’s embrace that.

 

Join our Undressing Disability Hub here

Feb 01
A photograph of a scrabble board, with the letter tiles spelling 'ADHD' cenred

Being ADHD: Five Things I Wished Someone Had Told Me

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

By Carolyn DeBarra

When it comes to being neurodivergent, I am very proud of the way my brain works. I was diagnosed at the age of 10 with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) along with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). The combination of all three can be a blessing, but it can be a curse too.

It can be really difficult being neurodivergent especially as so much of the world doesn’t cater to different neurotypes. Combine that with the fact that so many of our conditions can be so different from each other. My ADHD is very different from the next person’s.

While we do understand a lot more now than back in the day when I was first diagnosed, there are so many areas of neurodiversity that we hear little about.

Here are five things that I wish people told me about ADHD.

1 – It’s okay to feel grief or anger

ADHD diagnoses are on the rise at the moment as more people recognise the signs of the condition through social media and articles. It has prompted many people to seek a diagnosis or speak to a GP. While many feel relief and a sense of power in knowing their diagnosis, there can also be a feeling of grief.

When I started to learn about my condition as an adult, I felt sadness at understanding how I could have overcome challenges by accepting my own neurodivergence. I also felt angry for not getting help sooner. I also felt grief for my childhood where I struggled as much as I did. All of these feelings are not only valid but part of the process.

Thanks to the emotional dysregulation of ADHD, processing the range of emotions associated with a diagnosis can be difficult. It’s important to take time, talk it out with loved ones and let yourself feel how you need to. But do know this, it’s completely normal and you are not alone if you feel sadness at your diagnosis.

2- Your workplace can and will make reasonable adjustments for you

In the past, I’ve made mistakes due to my ADHD but then, we are all human at the end of the day. Despite my difficulties with certain tasks, I’m a good employee with tons to offer that can be utilised by a company. However, I often worry that an ADHD disclosure will put employers off.

While I may have hidden this in the past, I now refuse to pretend. Your company can make reasonable adjustments for you and it is completely okay to ask them to do so. There is no timeframe on this. If you didn’t disclose the second you were hired, you can ask at a later stage.

There is no set list of things that can make your workday easier but having a look at what causes you difficulties is a good place to start. Simple things like being able to take a break in a long meeting because I am struggling to sit still help me.

There are grants available such as Access to Work which can help people change their workplace to make things easier. It could be money towards software or physical items such as desks or chairs. You are worth it. All you need to do is ask even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

3 – Postural Sway and bad balance

When I was a kid I had the worst balance which occasionally caused me great panic. While I always thought this was down to a fear of heights, I’ve realised that it goes deeper than that.

My ADHD plays a part in bad balance because those with neurological conditions can have poor motor control. My body struggles to find its centre of gravity so this means I have a harder time balancing while standing still. I often find heights, patterns, lights or movements can be disorientating so I can lose my balance while not moving. Over time, this has also been exacerbated by my anxiety as the two work in tandem to destroy my day. I often find I need an arm to hold or a banister or something to steady myself when it’s particularly bad.

I wish someone had told me when I was younger that this is not only okay but it’s totally normal.

4 – Caffeine affects you differently

Anyone who meets me for breakfast is horrified at how many coffees I can put away in a short space of time. It’s truly a sight to behold as I throw six or seven back easily.

While most neurotypical folk would be bouncing off the ceiling by now, or throwing up, I am absolutely fine with the mildest of buzzes going on.

You would think that the last thing a person with a hyperactivity disorder would need is a stimulant but you would be wrong. A lot of the drugs to treat ADHD are stimulant based because our brains devour them differently.

Caffeine stimulates the body’s central nervous system and boosts dopamine production. ADHD brains are thought to have lower levels of dopamine so no longer we love a coffee break. Dopamine helps us with concentration and focus. So if we have lower levels of dopamine compared to neurotypical folk, stands to reason we may need more coffee to get us to focus. So hence why my seven coffees don’t touch the sides for me.

Although make no mistake, there is a sweet spot and for me it’s usually around eight.

5. – ADHD can go hand in hand with other disorders

It is estimated that about 40% of people with ADHD have oppositional defiance disorder like me. In my daily life that means I can be defensive, anti-authority and a bit combative when I don’t
want to be or intend to be.

ADHD can often be diagnosed alongside other conditions such as mood disorders, learning disorders, sleep problems, anxiety or tics and Tourette's syndrome. It’s also worth noting that substance abuse disorders are higher among ADHD people than neurotypical people. This means we have a higher chance of developing issues with alcohol, drugs or nicotine. I wish before I started smoking I had known this.

There is power in knowing the full picture post-diagnosis as it can help you to explain how you behave or feel. However, if there are other conditions in the picture, it could affect what medications you need or how things work for you. It can be difficult as ADHD presents very differently in each person so sometimes it can mask symptoms so keeping a diary can be helpful to note what is happening.

Dec 05
A person stood with the palm of their hand facing outward, covering their face. With a purple background

Neurodiversity and Abuse

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

There are many forms of physical, emotional and sexual abuse and it can be really hard to spot when this is creating a problem in your relationship. 

While anyone can be a victim of abuse, research shows that those who are neurodiverse may have a heightened risk of violence, bullying or controlling behaviour. ADHD, Autism, Dyspraxia, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, and Tourette’s syndrome are all examples of neurodiversity. It is believed that 15 to 20 percent of people are neurodivergent. 

Studies show that autistic people may be up to three times as likely as their neurotypical counterparts to experience bullying, and physical or sexual abuse. 

As an ADHD adult, I struggle with impulsivity, inattentiveness and hyperactivity among other traits. My relationships can be impacted by these which can make it difficult for me to form healthy connections with others but not impossible. However, one area that I need to be extra aware of is physical or emotional abuse. 

 

Here are three ways in which physical, emotional or sexual abuse within a relationship may be difficult for neurodiverse people to identify

1 – Dopamine seeking

When it comes to ADHD, we have lower levels of dopamine in our brains than neurotypical people. Dopamine is a hormone that controls many areas including memory and pleasure. When I form a new relationship, I crave the mental stimulation that I get from a new person. 

This, in the past, has made it very difficult to walk away from a relationship and risk losing that dopamine supply. It means that my brain can often gloss over the bad stuff to get to the good bits even if there are very few of them. 

Red flags at the start of a relationship can reveal a lot about what is to come. If you are getting serious warnings at the beginning then it can be really dangerous if your brain doesn’t allow you to stop, process or leave. Abusers are often clever and can spot this. They may take your lack of acknowledgement as acceptance and may keep pushing the boundaries on what they can get away with. 

Dopamine seeking can also mean that we do not recognise red flags in sexual situations either. It can be difficult to recognise dangerous situations, stop or ask yourself if you truly consent. We may also say yes in order to for fear of losing the person we get this stimulation from.

 

2 – Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when a person tries to get you to question their reality, memory or perceptions. It may be difficult for neurodivergent people to recognise when someone might be trying to change details, memories or events to control them. 

The reason for this may be that neurodivergent people can struggle with low self-esteem and be extra vulnerable as a result. We can often hear negative messages about ourselves while growing up which can have a last effect on our confidence levels as an adult. 

The immediate start of gaslighting in a relationship may feel more like hyper-acceptance from a partner which can become control over time. I struggle with my memory as a result of my ADHD, thanks to the lower dopamine levels, so it’s easy for me to forget details. Partners could easily use this to change small details without my noticing. The memory issues are mostly harmless, although annoying when I lose my keys, but they can be dangerous if a person is repeatedly changing the narrative in their favour. 

As a neurodivergent person, I tend to overshare which can also provide a lot of information for people about me. While most partners take this as a way to get to know me, albeit, in a short space of time, some may store the information for use at another time. This is where the devil can use the details you have told them, and then forgotten you’ve told them, to make gaslighting seem even more real.

 

3 – intense connections

Abusers can be incredibly manipulative and able to exploit a vulnerability. One of the ways this can manifest is through love bombing. 

Love bombing can be excessive attention, admiration, and affection from someone often at the start of a relationship. If we, as neurodivergent people, have lower self-esteem and confidence, this can masquerade as acceptance.

It can be difficult to leave if you believe that this is the only person who accepts you or is affectionate towards you. Often abusers can separate a person from friends or family through gaslighting or other methods so you may feel the connection more intensely because they are the only person you feel understands. 

As an ADHD person, I struggle to form boundaries with people where I can recognise where I need to safeguard myself. I have very intense friendships and relationships as a result. The intensity of the connection, lack of boundaries, pleasure and reward-seeking mean it is very difficult to walk away.

When it comes to sexual abuse, we can often mistake intensity for acceptance. Neurodivergent people can be too trusting and struggle to read a situation or social cues. This can place us in difficult situations or around dangerous people with no idea how to get out. To be accepted, we may find ourselves saying yes to things we don’t understand or want to take part in.

 

How to get help

Research 

Record

Communicate

 

Research:

It can be very helpful to know how your traits, like the ones above, can make it difficult for you to spot the signs of abuse. This means doing a bit of research around neurodiversity or even what to look for when it comes to emotional or physical abuse. 

 

Record:

No matter how difficult it might be, recording your experiences can be a big help. Make a note of something that doesn’t sound right to you and add to the list if you need to. If you can see a pattern start to emerge then you can address it. Writing everything down can help things to seem clearer, less overwhelming and help you to feel in control.

Also, if the situation needs to escalate, it can be very helpful to have a clear timeline or a list of things in case you forget.

 

Communicate:

Open up to someone you trust who is not connected to that person. This could be a friend or it could be a someone at an organisation who has training in this area. 

 

You are not alone and here are some organisations that may be able to help:

National Male Survivor Helpline and Online Support Service.
A dedicated service for anyone who identifies as male affected by sexual violence, and those who support them. You can contact them via Phone: 0808 800 5005 or Email: support@safeline.org.uk


Refuge.
For women who have experienced domestic violence. Refuge operate a freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline. To use this service please call: 0808 2000 247


The Survivors Trust.
This is a free helpline open 7 days a week for people over the age of 16 who have experienced sexual violence or support someone who has. To contact them call: 0808 801 0818 


Rape Crisis.
Anyone over the age of 16 who has experienced sexual violence can contact rape crisis for advice and support by calling 0808 802 9999 or going online via https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/ 

Nov 30

Neuroqueer and wanting to get pregnant

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hello

I have been looking at your website as I knew about your work on sex and disability from one of your trainers. I am seeking to signpost a young autistic woman with moderate learning difficulties who wishes to become pregnant via donor and raise a child. She also would like support regarding her sexuality; her GP has not been supportive, and I wondered if you knew of any services which would help?

She has a very supportive mother who would help her to access support.

Many thanks

Liza

 

Our Answer

I have liaised with one of our team who also identifies as Neuroqueer and they were not surprised that the GP was not more supportive. GPs can be really shocking when it comes to information for ADHD people, and they have had a lot of bad experiences with some.

So, I have also researched some support groups which I hope will be useful for the young woman you’re helping. Unfortunately, neither of us were able to find a specific group regarding the issue of seeking a sperm donor whilst being autistic herself.  All I can suggest would be to approach a donor organisation and see if they have any tips/experience they can share.

Below are a few groups where she, or her Mum, can seek support from its staff or members who may be able to share experiences of being autistic and raising a child.

 

Support Services

This is the UK’s leading Neurodiversity charity. I’m sure they will have a wealth of knowledge and may be able to signpost you to more relevant groups on this topic.

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/about-us/

 

Closer to her home I have found this therapy centre

https://theowltherapycentre.co.uk/therapists/county/12/discipline/13/autism-support-therapists-in-east-sussex

 

A.S.P.E.C.S UK Autism LGBTQ+ Community. This support group may be valuable in the area of seeking help from anyone with personal experience of donor pregnancies.  They are based up north but are looking to provide community meetings online around the country. Perhaps a call to them could be fruitful?!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/53253797142/?fref=ts

 

They offer peer support for people who identify as neurodiverse and queer.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/NQsupportnetwork

 

And finally, I found a support group in Brighton. The Ledward Centre opened in May 2022 to serve and support the Brighton LGBTQ+ community. They have started a new series of monthly meetups organised by a team of regular volunteers, who have lived experience of various conditions under the neurodivergent umbrella.

https://www.facebook.com/theledwardcentre/

Message ellis.thistle@ledcen.org.uk with any questions

 

I really hope some of these services can help this young woman; talking to peers who may share their own experiences can be invaluable and often better than mainstream support services (as she has found out!). Someone in these groups might be able to signpost her to more specific services regarding the pregnancy and donor element.

 

Good luck and let us know if you find a great group we should know about!

Zoe (and Caroline)

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

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