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Aug 21
The Undressing Disability shoot 2013 in front of Big Ben, London

Undressing ‘Undressing Disability’

By Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

About five years ago I took my 32-year-old friend, Andy, who has cerebral palsy on a trip to Amsterdam to visit a sex worker. Although he is funny, open minded and a football coach with a university degree, he was yet to have a sexual experience.

After the trip, he told me that he didn’t think it had gone well because he didn’t orgasm immediately and it surprised me that he would think that way.

It then made me realise that, along with many other physically disabled people, Andy is knowledgeable and sociable in many areas but when it came to sex he didn’t know the basics. This was not only because he had never experienced it, but also that no one had ever educated him. When I returned from Amsterdam I began researching what sex education was available for disabled people like Andy, but found very little. That really scared me.

I founded Enhance the UK in 2009 with the aim of changing society’s perception of disability as well as empowering and supporting physically disabled and sensory impaired people to live full, active lives. In 2012, we ran a campaign called Undressing Disability and produced calendars featuring all disabled models donning nothing but their underwear, poised in front of iconic London backdrops. We wanted to celebrate the disabled form while raising awareness of our inclusive Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) program in collaboration with leading youth sexual health and education providers, Brook, which is the backbone to our entire evolving campaign.

Currently, there is no UK government policy recognising that physically disabled young people require specialised SRE. In a 2013 survey we conducted, 69% of people thought their disability should have been taken into consideration in SRE and 100% observed that it was never even addressed. Physical disabilities are often placed under the same disability ‘umbrella’ as people with learning disabilities when in reality the two deserve and require different attention.

Physically disabled people who rely on full time carers to wash, dress and feed them run the risk of becoming desexualised despite them having regular, healthy, adult urges. Being looked after in this way makes those around them forever view them in a childlike way.

Through my own disability of degenerative hearing loss, I am acutely aware of the issues the deaf community face in terms of SRE. A recent survey by the charity Deafax found that 67 per cent of deaf people received inaccessible sex education and 45 per cent of those people said it was because they could not understand teachers. One deaf girl told Deafax that she didn’t know anything about sex, contraception or relationships when she left school. She said: “There was never anyone to ask who could explain properly to me in sign language. I didn’t know how many sexual partners were ‘normal’.”

As part of Undressing Disability we’ve launched‘The Love Lounge,’ a safe space on our website where users can ask our panel any questions related to sex, relationships and disability. No topic is off limits and we would encourage queries, not only from our disabled users, but their partners and parents too. We want to encourage discussion on these seemingly ‘taboo’ topics and create a caring sense of community.

We are pleased to introduce media personality and prominent disabled activist, Mik Scarlet and presenter and writer Emily Yates as our ‘Love Lounge’ experts. Mik and Emily are also two of our very talented disability awareness trainers so are used to addressing all kinds of issues.

The truth is that disabled people have sex and disabled people like sex. But they don’t have access to the same advice and support as their peers. We need to stop the stigma and address the ‘awkward’ questions nobody else will so that disabled people can enjoy safe, healthy and fulfilling sex lives, just like everyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apr 24

Campaigning for human rights! by Caroline Dempsey

By Disability, Lifestyle One Comment

It’s easy for me to say that I can focus on what I have, not what I don’t have, or on what I can do, not on what I can’t do. But for a disabled person, it’s much more difficult to find the positives. Some I speak to admit that on the face of it, they give the impression of confidence, but in private, the story is very different. They suffer with poor body image, lack of self-esteem and self-worth, their attempts to have a satisfying sex life presents them with problems not only in regard to their physical ability, but also their physiological capabilities. As much as I encourage and want to help with enabling my clients to enjoy sex (either with me or with another), I cannot imagine how much anxiety and frustration they must endure.

I recently attended a SHADA conference (The Sexual Health and Disability Alliance). There must have been over 40 professionals there, all with the same ambition, and that’s to enable those with disabilities to express themselves sexually whenever they need to. That’s whether they’re in care or at home, and however bad their condition is. It was fantastic to be amongst so many who felt so passionate and who are willing to do all they can for the cause. Dr Tuppy Owens, the founder, is a shining example of someone who won’t give up. She’s been a serial campaigner for years and won’t rest when it comes to gaining support for those who can’t get it themselves.

Of course, there are many laws around enabling the disabled to have sex, or to call on sex workers, but we learned at the conference that the laws are simply breaching basic human rights. There are many myths surrounding them and in fact, many lawyers don’t even seem to know them clearly. If it’s consensual, adult and done in private, that’s a human right. A ‘right to fun’ is a human right, and so on. It was said that ‘criminal law’ has no place in the bedroom. I stress, if the act is consensual and pleasurable for all, then no, it does have no place in the bedroom (or whatever room you choose).

By law, people working within the disability sector must support human rights – by law! They must support the sexual expression of their client. It is a breach of Duty of Care not to enable sexual expression. It’s more of a breach than not supporting safeguarding! The trouble is that folk are concerned that they’re not supporting protective rights enough, and are therefore raising the bar further in order to supplement their efforts. Trouble is, this is breaching human rights even further. Although a well-meant act, it’s having the opposite effect.

A prime example of this was highlighted by another speaker. She is a highly qualified professional and a highly respected member amongst her peers. But officially speaking, because she’s 60% deaf, the Sexual Offences Act recognises that she is unable to consent to sex, and it is therefore seen as rape. Go figure. It’s a human rights violation!

One of the speakers was a lad in a wheelchair who very honestly explained that when he wanted to lose his virginity, he had to think for a long time about how he would go about it. He was living with his mum and couldn’t discuss it with her, of course. However, he eventually went ahead and he achieved exactly what he wanted, but it wasn’t easy for him. I’ve heard this from so many people of all ages. Sometimes the embarrassment factor is greater, the older the person gets. Another girl spoke of her experience when, a few years ago, she got some help in enabling her to have sex with a partner. It didn’t go according to plan and the person helping, instead of speaking to her, spoke to her social worker directly. This destroyed any trust she held around that person and made her very cautious for the future.

Needless to say, there’s a lot going on in the background to raise awareness and to support this sector in any way possible to make sure they get the help that’s so desperately needed. But in light of the fact that gays have pretty much now become mainstream, who knows, perhaps disabled people will be given resources galore to help them express themselves fully sexually. I hope this can happen quickly, I really do.

For more from Caroline Dempsey visit her website.

Apr 15

Can I inject any fun back into our marriage?

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet No Comments

“Since having a motor-cycle accident over a year ago where I lost the use of both my legs, my wife has been my full time carer. Our relationship has been put through the ultimate test, but now I want things to go back to how the used to be. Will our bond be able to remain the same? Can I inject any fun back into our marriage?”

Seenan, Torquay
Brittany’s advice…
This is a problem close to my heart, especially at the minute as I am unwell and my wonderful wife is caring for me too. It’s great that you see that this whole period of your lives has been a test that your relationship has passed, and that it’s time to get that spark back as it really shows how well you are both coping with your new impairment.

It’s testament to what a strong relationship you have. I know that it’s always at the back of your mind, whether this new dynamic of lover/carer will put too much strain on your relationship as I’ve been there. But I expect it’s much more a worry for you than your wife. I think if you communicate openly about any worries or issues you can actually build an even stronger bond than you had before your accident.

How to put the fun back into your marriage? Well I’m a big fan of role play. So why not have your wife dress up as a sexy nurse when she’s doing the caring. or a sexy maid? You’ve already got a load of biker gear, so no worries about you dressing up either eh? It’s really a case of whatever floats your boat.

If you find your impairment impacts on your sexual function you might want to read a few articles I have online on subject. These two on the website Ask Miss Alice cover the issue with a few ideas on bringing and maintaining sex after disability – www.missalicegray.com – part 1 and www.missalicegray.com – part 2.

This one for the website Disability Horizons explores a technique for creating orgasmic zones all over your body, which can be a real help if you loose sensation due to an impairment but can also be fun for anyone disabled or not – www.disabilityhorizons.com

My last bit of advice is to go out and find out how great life can be as a wheelchair user. I found that once I learned that I could do anything from my wheels I grew in confidence and that made me sexy. Your wife cares for you because she loves you and together you can rebuild your lives to make your love stronger, better and much sexier.

For one thing you can now have sex in every room of your house without stopping. Sex on Wheels… nothing like it!

Apr 15

I’m profoundly deaf, newly single and ready to hit the dating scene again

By Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet No Comments

“I’m profoundly deaf, newly single and ready to hit the dating scene again. I’ve made an online dating profile but I haven’t mentioned my disability yet. When I start messaging someone, how soon should I bring it up?”

Anonymous, Norwich
Mik’s advice…
Personally I am a big fan of being up front from as early as possible. That might be as my impairment is fairly obvious, being on a wheels, but there are elements of my impairment that are hidden and are fairly important to a relationship so I do know what it’s like to have to worry over the big “when do I tell them?” question.

I have found that being honest and up front is the best policy. Mainly as springing the surprise on a prospective partner later on can throw up issues of trust. I doubt you’re considering waiting until the first date, but I’d mention it sooner rather than later. It’s tricky with online dating as you don’t want to attract weirdos, or put people off. However in my view if someone is put off by disability then you’ve been saved from wasting time on the wrong person.

Be proud of who you are, love yourself and you will meet someone who loves you right back.

Apr 08

I can’t live up to the high physical demands of the gay community

By Andrew Morrison Gurza, Lifestyle No Comments

“I’m not dating anyone and I’m sure part of the reason is the birth defects visible on my left arm and hand, and I don’t think I’m so attractive in the face anyway. I haven’t been out for long and all my friends are straight. I feel I can’t live up to the high physical ideals demanded of me by the gay community. Please tell me everyones not so shallow.”

anonymous, Cardiff

Andrew’s advice…

It is true that the LGBTQ community, particularly MSM, place a lot of value on our physical bodies. When one is physically disabled and queer, you can certainly feel unequal to your queer peer group. I know that having a physical disability and being a wheelchair user myself, my body CANNOT conform to our homo-normative ideals. This is where you have to learn to market your disability.

What is it about you that you think is attractive? What about your disability makes you unique? How can you turn that around to be a positive thing? When you go into gay spaces, you have to project an air of confidence simply because most gay men have little to no exposure with respect to someone with a disability. They are probably unsure of how to approach you. This means that you are the expert – you can teach them how your disability is just another part of who you are, but it is one of the most awesome and sexy parts.

Most importantly, you have to start realising that your disability makes you attractive. It gives you the upper hand, and a view on the world and gay life, that other people don’t have. This is an amazing quality. Your physical differences will never match the gay ideals that we have ascribed to in gay culture, but you can break the mould by offering a different perspective.

Apr 08

I’m a gay man with restricted growth

By Andrew Morrison Gurza, Lifestyle One Comment

“Being a man with restricted growth means I get a lot of attention in gay bars and clubs. However, this isn’t always the positive kind and I’m now looking for a serious relationship. Should I try another method of meeting guys? I’m so used to the gay ‘scene’ I don’t know where to start!”

Adam, Glasgow

Andrew’s advice…

The gay scene can indeed be a daunting one. As a wheelchair user myself, the scene is often inaccessible to me, as the buildings are not equipped for access. However, when I have gone, I either receive no attention or awkward attention – by which I mean people are not quite sure how to react to me. In those instances, I try to just have fun and be myself.
In your quest for a relationship, you may want to try online dating. I know that we all have our qualms about it, but you could at least put yourself out there in a different way. Specifically, online dating allows you in a sense, to market yourself and your disability in the way that you want it to be perceived by others.

I would also suggest going to games nights or discussion night that isn’t directly related to the ‘scene’. This will give the community a chance to get to know you and learn about your disability outside of the overly sexualised scene.

Apr 08

I’m an 18 year old lesbian with cerebral palsy

By Andrew Morrison Gurza, Lifestyle No Comments

“I’m an 18 year old female with cerebral palsy and I’ve known from a young age that I am a lesbian. My parents are currently my full time carers, and I haven’t told them this. They are quite conservative. How shall I break it to them? I hope they can cope with having a gay and disabled daughter.”

Katie, Manchester
Andrew’s advice…
Thank you so much for writing in to me at the Love Lounge. Coming out, is stressful enough as it is, so first I would like to applaud you for taking the first steps to come into your sexuality! Congratulations.
In terms of coming out with a disability this can add even more pressure, because you feel as though you are adding to your perceived burden in their lives. I understand that completely, and when I came out that was one of my biggest fears. Because your parents are your primary care givers right now (I’ll presume that you need them for all your daily activities?), I might suggest waiting until you are in a different care situation, wherein you have the independence. I understand how you might feel like you want to be honest with them RIGHT NOW, but it is always best to come out in an environment where you feel most comfortable.
I certainly empathize with you. Two weeks before I came out, I was just about to turn 16. I had read all the literature and was absolutely petrified that I would be disowned. Finally, my mom asked me: “What’s wrong? Are you gay or something?”. When I said yes, we sat down and had a great heart to heart. So, you may feel safe enough to sit them down and tell them how you feel, rather than wait. They may even surprise you. No matter what you do, please be sure that you feel safe and secure in coming out to them. There is no right time or way to do it. Of course, remember that you being both gay and disabled is not an added burden. It is an added power you have to enlighten people and open their eyes to other possibilities and realities.
Apr 05

I’ve just started seeing this amazing girl

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle No Comments

“I’ve just started seeing an amazing girl in the year above from school. She knows I’m partially blind and it’s never been a big deal. But one of the only places we can hang out is at the cinema which doesn’t have many accessible movies with audio description. I don’t want her to get bored with me! What other fun cheap dates could I take her on?”

Anonymous, London

Brittany’s advice…

Take her to the lakes or the beach, shopping, for a picnic or take out for ice cream.
Mar 13
Submerged Flood Sign

If Floods are Here to Stay, How Will We Reduce the Risks to Disabled People? By Emily Buchanan

By Business, Disability, Lifestyle No Comments

Whilst floods impact everyone, they are especially challenging for the elderly and people with disabilities. “Depending on the severity of the mobility issue,” writes Gerry Bucke, manager of Chartwell Mobility Insurance Services, “some people may require assistance to leave their homes. Negotiating floodwater in a wheelchair or mobility scooter is virtually impossible and if people become trapped, they can be exposed to water-borne diseases, raw sewage and the dangers of waiting for rescue.”

UK January Rainfall GraphUnfortunately, flooding like we’ve seen in the past few months is going to occur more frequently. A 2013 UN report on climate change confirms that human behaviour has caused global temperatures to increase. This has caused arctic sea ice to melt, sea levels to rise and record levels of precipitation.

So if extreme weather is here to stay, what is being done to reduce the risk to the nation’s elderly and disabled people?

In truth, shamefully little. Even after the floods of 2007, which were deemed the biggest peacetime civil emergency since the Second World War, only a fraction of money for flood risk reduction now goes to helping local communities build their own resilience and action plan.

What can we learn for other countries?

Other countries, such as Bangladesh and the Philippines, have shown just how effective risk reduction plans can be. According to CAFOD’s disaster risk reduction adviser Dr Kate Crowley, Bangladeshi communities hold regular town meetings to plan evacuation strategies, ensuring that people with disabilities and the elderly are always taken care of.

Similarly, the tiny Philippines island of Tulang Diyot evacuated every one of its 1,000 residents before Typhoon Yolanda – a vicious storm which went on to flatten every building on the island. It was all down to risk reduction and prioritising the rescue of vulnerable residents.

However, there are also many countries struggling with the disability issue of disaster management. Statistics from the Japanese earthquake and tsunami in 2011 show that the mortality rate among people with disabilities was double that of the rest of the affected population. Sae Kani, who has worked across Southeast Asia with disabled people, said, “They are always the last ones to be counted. They don’t come to collect the emergency relief items… they are always invisible.”

This issue was embodied at the Global Platform for Disaster Risk Reduction by 11-year-old Danh from Vietnam. Danh has a physical disability and told the conference how frightened he was when his Quang Nam village flooded. “From that experience, whenever I see floods and rain, I feel very scared. I beg you: please develop a flood preparedness plan and evacuate kids with disabilities to a safe place, and please teach us and our family members about how to be ready for floods.”

How should we adapt?

As extreme weather becomes more of an issue, the UK needs to “encourage locally-managed disaster risk reduction, and introduce more community flood forums which would help vulnerable people living on flood plains to adapt and plan ahead,” says the CAFOD.

Historically, the changeability of British weather has made it very difficult to prepare for extremes. Our weather patterns fluctuate according to the position of the jet stream, meaning we experience exceptionally cold, warm or windy weather for short periods of time. However, research suggests that the recent warming of the Arctic has caused the jet stream to change, sending “conveyor belts” of weather to the UK that stay for longer periods of time, which explains the increased levels of rain.

Whilst the floods of 2013/14 do not equate to the typhoons of the Philippines or the earthquakes of Japan, our climate is changing and vulnerable people are at risk. Therefore, disaster risk reduction needs to be disability inclusive, and communities need to have access to resources that allow them to plan evacuation strategies, ensuring that people with disabilities and the elderly are always taken care of.

Feb 21

I live in a group home and I really want a double bed… Help!

By Lifestyle, The Love Lounge 2 Comments

Firstly, is there anyone else in your group home with a double bed?

YES – Go to that person and ask them how they got the double bed, particularly the exact person who approved it. Then go to the person who has the power to approve a double bed and make a note of the resident’s top tips about how they were successful.

But if NO and you are the first person to ask for a double bed, ask the staff who has the power to approve a double bed. Now it is time for some preparation before you meet them.

Next, imagine stepping into the shoes of the general manager of your home and picture that you have a resident asking for a double bed.

Since this is the first time this has happened, imagine the questions they will ask and especially  the things that might make them say yes or no. For example, some questions that spring to my mind: Are they scared a resident could be taken advantage of by a staff member? Is there not enough space in the home as you will need a private room?

Also, does the company that runs the home have any policies on the rights of residents?

Would it help to have someone in the meeting to support you like your best friend or the girlfriend/boyfriend who will be sleeping with you in the double bed? Perhaps they can help you prepare your arguments?

Finally, you should call Enhance the UK as they can give you supporting evidence of residents in care homes with double beds.

Good Luck! With good preparation you might be surprised at how quickly you have a double bed to  Enhance your sex life!

When I was in hospital in my own room and my wife and I asked for some “private time,” it was really easy. They just gave me a “do not disturb” sign and we used a single bed for sex.

I was impressed by how accommodating and not squeamish they were, but not all homes will have the same open attitude soEnhance the UK can advise you on your rights.

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