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September 2013

a woman's back, the top of her black lacy knickers is visible and a man is undoing her black lace bra

Sexuality, Sensuality, Surrogates & Stripping Off (by Bella Hoy)

By Disability, Lifestyle, My story 2 Comments

Feeling like a sexual being, particularly with a physically disabling condition, can be something that society tries to rob you of. Relatives and carers may see sexuality as one of the last things to worry about with any given condition and those with disabilities can be left confused and uneducated about their bodies.

But denying perfectly natural sexual feelings can lead to frustration, loss of self worth and lack of confidence. Where there may not be the presence of a partner, sex therapists and surrogates can help delicately over come the personal issues associated with relationships and sexual discovery. While sex therapists work on the psychological and emotional problems a client may have concerning sex, a sex surrogate combines this while also working physically with the clients body. As vital an experience this has been for many disabled people, surrogacy has also proven to be a minefield of moral debate and a legal grey area. As the current UK law stands, sex work is legal as long as it is between two consensual adults and it is done privately. However, the socially ingrained image conjured up at the mere mention of a sex worker seems to be one of a vulnerable young woman. This then leads onto a whole separate, and rightly important, debate about women’s rights. But sex work is not a black and white issue, and where the system can be abused in horrifying ways, the good that can come of it when used responsibly is unmatched. It can empower and emotionally reward the workers (both female AND male) who CHOOSE this profession and it is no over statement to say that the work they do can essentially change their clients’ lives.

The hit 2012 film The Sessions starring Helen Hunt brought to life the thought provoking true story of the late poet-writer-activist Mark O’Brien. Originally an article written by him in the Eighties, it chronicles his emotional and physical journey with a surrogate. Mark contracted polio at a young age and was severely disabled from it, spending a large chunk of his life in an iron lung, a large machine encompassing his whole body to aid with breathing. He had sex for the first time at the age of 36. Because of his disability and his families’ Catholic moral code he was left with the assumption ‘that people should emulate the asexuality of Barbie and Ken.’

Finally feeling able to confront his inner demons, after just his first talk with a sex therapist, Mark felt that he ‘could take charge of [his] sexuality and cease thinking of it as something alien.’ After much deliberation, overcoming life long reservations about his body and the unfamiliarity of the opposite sex, he eventually has sessions with a surrogate. He learns that ‘sex is a part of ordinary living, not an activity reserved for gods, goddesses and rock stars,’ and emotionally recalls after his first sexual experience: ‘For the first time, I felt glad to be a man.’ His surrogate uses a variety of techniques and exercises with him in order to explore and feel secure in his body such as simple body massage. One of the most moving parts of the article is when his surrogate strokes his hair and tells him that it feels nice. Mark is emotionally mature enough to realise that his surrogate is not a full relationship replacement and usually they limit the sessions they have with a client so this type of bond does not form. Yet her simple words give Mark a kind of boost that he’d never experienced before, and he interestingly feels that, ‘having at least one attractive feature helped me to feel more confident.’

Picture from the film SessionsHis story shows just how beneficial this work can be and through the surrogates, clients can learn that being confident, sensual and sexual doesn’t necessarily have to come from other people’s perceived perceptions. It instead could be regarded as an internal attitude shift and a gradual acceptance of self, but of course nobody is saying that comes easy. Insecurities are an inevitable part of human nature time to time, but the niche practices of Naturists (or Nudists) are in a different league of acceptance.

Maybe we could all take a leaf out of their free hanging book and learn to flaunt our form, no matter what shape it’s in. It may sound extreme, and perhaps not for everyone, but it has been suggested that more people with disabilities could learn to embrace the naked way of life. Not only does it help people get used to their bodies in a non-sexualised atmosphere, it can even be more practical and enjoyable whilst partaking in activities such as swimming which require awkward changing rituals. Naturists are a friendly and never judgmental bunch, occasionally misunderstood; they are always willing to show new people what they’re all about.

At the risk of sounding too flowery, sensuality can start with just being in tune to the world around you. Appreciating touch, sights and smells in everyday life can all help with getting to know your body, and far from being afraid of it, understand its power. As Mark discovered, sexual exploration is not a luxury and is just as fundamental and natural as eating or breathing. Knowing your own personal wants, needs and boundaries is essential before even considering a partner. And once those things are established, it can be hard to resist someone with that much self-respect.

Read more about the late Mark O’Brien’s film via the link below.

Sex Surrogacy and Disability on the Silver Screen

Resources
· TLC-trust.org.uk – Designed to connect disabled people to responsible sex workers, they have profiles of many surrogates from around the country, a forum and further links related to disability and sex.

 

 

Caroline Dempsey

I started escorting about 15 years ago… (Blog 2) by Caroline Dempsey

By Disability, Lifestyle, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Caroline Dempsey

I ended my last blog with a poem, written from the heart (by a songwriter, not me!), about how wonderful a gift that giving is.  Some joke that giving is selfish, because it feels so good to do it.  For me, that’s the right way to give; no strings, unconditionally.  When I visit a client as an escort, I feel excitement, not just sexual, but like I do when I give someone a present and I can’t wait for them to open it, to see the look on their face, hoping they’ll like it!

I want my clients to be happy, of course.   But I try to understand their needs as early on as I can, whatever they are, and some requests I get are as uncomplicated as ‘being held’.  So I try to feel connected to my clients as soon as possible, so they get the best of me, get what’s best for them, and I can do as they ask.  That way, we both enjoy the experience and give to each other.  I like to have a chat on the phone first to find out what they want, so when I arrive, the ice is broken, sort of thing, and they can let me know if there are any particular requirements that’ll make my visit the best it can be.

I do believe, though, that a really important thing is, if it’s at all possible, to be able to ask for what you want.  We can’t be truly ‘present’ if we’re distracted by thoughts of something, even as simple as needing to go to the bathroom, or wanting a drink of water, or wanting to move a part of the body to get more comfortable.  And if our needs are more like, “I wish I could be kissed like this,” “I wish we could just cuddle,” or “I would like to know how to please her/him, but I don’t know how to say it,” then sharing the message becomes even more important.  But things like this can be difficult for someone to convey, perhaps if speech is difficult, or if it’s been some time since intimacy, if ever, in which case, the right words may not exist.  How could they?  Shyness, embarrassment, fear of rejection; these are all things that can prevent us from speaking out.  But I always find a way in the end!  Just with a little mutually exchanged patience, usually.

Caroline DempseyOften, our conditioning has taught us that asking for what we want is wrong, especially if it’s very personal to us, and particularly if it’s to do with sex.  Many of us were taught that sex shouldn’t be spoken openly about, should be kept private, perhaps it’s rude or dirty.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

There are a million ways to give and receive pleasure.  As many as you can think up.   But the same reasons that prevent us from speaking out can also prevent us from finding ways to give and receive pleasure, whether with another or on our own.  It’s our right to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh – everybody’s right, we deserve pleasure!  I’m just sorry that more don’t recognise this – it’s important to the well-being of everyone.  Sex is a great healer.  But also sex isn’t about ‘performance’.  It’s about taking time to really feel and enjoy the other person, really wanting to please, taking time to understand and find out what makes them glow.   And it’s just as important to know how to pleasure ourselves, using feeling, wanting, and time, for ourselves, in just the same way.

I’ve recently begun visiting an older gent in his own home who has had mobility problems for many years now, due to an operation that went wrong.  He’s such a lovely man and very spritely for his advanced years and for someone who can’t get about!  He talks to me about his family, makes me tea and offers me cakes.  He also makes sure there’s plenty of time for pleasure.  There’s no intercourse, but that doesn’t matter.  And thank goodness he understands that there’s no expectation of performance.  It’s just the mutual exchange of caring, love and respect.  My clients are so special.  They’re all so different and mean so much to me.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to visit a lovely guy who’s been wheelchair-bound for 20 years due to a scuba-diving accident.  He’s 42 now and lives in the care of a Leonard Cheshire facility.  He was pronounced brain-dead and was in a coma for six months.  He’s a miracle!  He can’t walk or stand unaided and needs full-time care.  However, he hasn’t experienced any kind of intimacy since before his accident and he has, as you can imagine, missed it!  So not only has he had to contend with coming back to life, coming to terms with his disability, and maintaining as healthy a life as possible, but he also has all the feelings that a red-blooded male has.  Of course he does!  I was privileged to be his first sexual experience in all that time and it was passionate, and lovely.   We chatted at first, got to know each other and had a few laughs about different things.  He has a positive and inquisitive mind and keeps himself busy writing, amongst other things, and swimming when he can.

I consider myself fortunate to be in the sex industry, I’m taught so much, but I’m saddened at just how closed people are when it comes to discussing the needs of those who can’t make their own arrangements, like the guy I just mentioned.  Arranging my visit to him wasn’t made easy because there’s no way to facilitate it.  It should be a simple procedure so that disabled and those cared for are able to have as normal a sex life as the rest of us.

I mentioned in my last blog about carers at the care home I visit my gentleman with cerebral palsy not making eye contact with me.  I can appreciate that they may be embarrassed, but I would love them to engage with me, so I could speak to them about their clients’ needs.  I could help them understand that their residents aren’t asexual, and how easy it would be for them to help.  I suppose it’s because I’m older, but I find it hard to think of someone in the ‘caring’ profession denying their clients something as natural as eating, breathing and sleeping.   I can feel a soapbox moment coming on……

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