Skip to main content
search

The Love Lounge Live

Here’s a selection of your messages and questions answered by our non expert sexperts…

The new love lounge logo in pink


Have you got a question you’d like to ask us? Then get in touch!

Send us your questionLearn more about The Love Lounge
A white wine glass against a black background and warm fairy lights. A big pink circle announces there is an event called Mingle all the way on dec 4th

Enhance the UK/Undressing Disability – Mingle all the Way

By Event, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Enhance the UK/ Undressing Disability would like to invite you to a ‘mingle all the way’ festive evening to celebrate all their achievements this year.

Enhance the UK is a user-led disability charity that not only runs worldwide campaigns around dispelling myths about disability but also delivers groundbreaking training across the UK and beyond. Join us to find out more!

We have transformed our central London location into an alpine , ski retreat lodge and want you to pop in and get all cosy for the evening.

Included in this invite will be :

  • Free drinks and festive nibbles
  • Entertainment from the first and only amputee drag queen in the world -Eileen Eifell (I lean – I fell….)
  • Photo opportunities in our amazing decor and photobooth
  • Much more…..

It’s a unique opportunity to connect with like-minded professionals while celebrating the season in style!

At the event, we’ll also be sharing information about our disability awareness training and unveiling new courses for 2025.

Event Details:
🗓 Date: Wednesday, December 4
🕒 Time: 5:30 – 9 pm
📍 Location: Sketch House 36 Clifton Terrace Finsbury Park London N4 3JP

Please RSVP to secure your spot by visiting the event link

*Please email hello@enhancetheuk.org for any access or dietary requirements. Examples of access requirements could include accessible route maps, BSL interpreters, accessible toilets, BSL interpreters or quiet rooms.

November 21, 2024
A pink and black advert for black friday 20% disability and sexuality training

Disability and Sexual Expression Training: Get 20% off in our Black Friday Deal!

By Disability, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Looking to book Disability and Sexual Expression training or Disability Awareness Training for your organisation in the New Year?

You’ve come to the right place!

We are launching our Black Friday deal where you can get 20% off
Disability and Sexual Expression training or disability awareness training if you book or enquire from now until 21st of December 2024. That includes all of our training sessions to be held before the end of March 2025.

Not sure what sessions we offer?

We offer lots of different training courses both online and in person that can be tailored to suit your needs. Need more information?

Click on the links below to read more about each course.

This includes:

 Email hello@enhancetheuk.org to book a session 

Got questions? Why not visit our Calendly page to book a consultation with our expert trainers

Quote BLACKFRIDAY when you email to make sure you get 20% off any sessions before March 2025.

(See terms and conditions below)

What makes Enhance training sessions different?

Our trainers are all disabled themselves and accessibility experts and can share their personal lived experience.

Using a powerful combination of expert knowledge and lived experience we can support your businesses or organisation to become more accessible. We are committed to working with organisations in a supportive way, regardless of your starting point we can help you become accessible and inclusive.

What is Disability and Sexual Expression training?

Sexuality and disability training is crucial for creating an inclusive and respectful environment for disabled individuals.

Our virtual sexual expression training offers a deep dive into the intimate experiences of disabled people, addressing barriers to sexual expression and how to remove them.

Delivered by disabled trainers, this 3.5-hour course covers key topics like the social model of disability, effective communication, and appropriate terminology. Participants will gain an understanding of the importance of sexual expression, privacy, and dignity, and learn how carers and personal assistants can better support disabled people in navigating these challenges.

This training ensures that disabled individuals’ sexual needs and rights are respected and understood.

Why not get in touch and remember to quote the 20% code – BLACKFRIDAY when booking! Email hello@enhancetheuk.org for more details or to book a free consultation.

Want to stay up to date with all the latest news, events and accessibility tips? Why not sign up to our mail out to get access to get early access and discounts? Visit the sign up landing page

 

 

BLACK FRIDAY OFFER TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

T&CS

1 – This offer cannot be used with any others. 2 – This Black Friday deal can be used on training scheduled before March and not afterwards. 3 – Offer runs out after December 20th at 12 pm. 4 – Offer only valid on in-person/virtual training sessions this excludes access audits both in-person and virtual and BSL for your website options. 4- Offer can only be used once per organisation. 5 – You have to quote BLACKFRIDAY at the time of booking. It cannot be added retrospectively. 6 – Offer cannot be applied to training already booked 7 –  This is only available on training run through Enhance the UK. 8 – Only available on training sessions both in person and virtual. 9- We reserve the right to decline orders where, a promotion code is invalid. 10- We reserve the right to change these Terms and Conditions at any time. 11- Any training sessions booked after March 31st will be booked at full price as code is no longer valid.

 

November 21, 2024
Disability and friendship: A person using a wheelchair. A close up of their hand on the wheel of the chair with a room in the background

Disability and friendship: How do I open up to my friends about what life is really like for me?

By The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

The question:

I’m in my mid 60’s and am having more and more health problems of late.  The last few years have been difficult. But what I find most problematic is my circle of friends not really understanding what life is like for me.

I laugh a lot with people, so they think I’m ok and they don’t seem to remember about the issues I have told them. They either act surprised when I mention things or scoff as though it’s not really that bad.

I feel really misunderstood and don’t know how to change it. It’s affecting my confidence when I go out with them. 

Ali 

The Answer:

Hi Ali,

This is hard when you don’t feel understood and then, as a result, feel unsupported by your friends. I remember having similar feelings years ago and my therapist telling me that it’s also my responsibility to tell people what’s really going on. It’s unfair for them to be expected to know how it really is for you when you haven’t communicated everything to them.

Perhaps because you’re jokey and smiley they don’t see the whole picture, and then when you say something that feels serious to you, it doesn’t land as it should perhaps because of the delivery. If you find it hard to hold the space and be serious in telling your story, perhaps choose one friend who you are closer to and ask to have a chat away from the group. Tell them what’s going on for you, health-wise but also that you find it hard to be taken seriously by the group. You could also ask them to be your spokesperson and tell the rest of the group for you.

Hopefully this will prompt them to acknowledge your feelings more and I’m sure they will come and support you once they know how you’ve been feeling. Another option, if you can’t verbalise it well, is to write to them (as a group or to your closest friend) and speak freely that way.

I’m sure they love and support you and are just missing your cues – then the more you lose confidence the harder it is for you to make yourself heard.

Communicate well, be honest and the love will come back to you!

Warmly,

Zoe

Love this? Read more Love Lounge questions by visiting our blog page.

 

November 19, 2024
A red and black typewriter with one single sheet of white paper

Love Lounge: Disabled, deaf and looking for love….help!

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

The question:

Dear Love Lounge,

I’m disabled (I’m deaf and have difficulty with mobility) and have been keenly watching Married At First Sight.  It’s been great to see a deaf person represented in Ross. But it’s been making me feel even more sad because I see how easily he’s got into this relationship with Sacha and how she’s so accepting of him, and I have never experienced that.  I feel like more of a failure – am I so bad? Am I ugly? Or is it because I also have mobility issues that people don’t want me?

I know I’m being self-pitying but I’m cross that it has made me feel like this when I should be excited that a deaf person is being seen on tv and having a successful relationship.

Sorry but I just need some support.

Sam

The answer:

Hi Sam,

I can really appreciate how you feel when you see others being able to do something that you’re really wanting to do, especially when you see them with the thing that you feel limits you.

It could be that you perceive your disability as a negative thing and don’t go out there with your confident pants on and feeling proud of who you are. But that’s never easy, particularly if your self-worth has been dented.

Have you had therapy before to learn to be comfortable with your identity and how you are in the world? It sounds like this could be useful for you. I had lots of therapy until I learnt to not be so hard on myself and have some self-acceptance and kindness towards myself. It can be a looong road, but a very worthwhile one.

Once confidence oozes out of you, people will be attracted to that, and your disability won’t be the main thing they focus on.

Whilst MAFS is great to watch, let’s remember it’s for entertainment and they have had the amazing opportunity of the experts matching them with someone. If only we could all have that! However, that’s not to undermine that Ross is obviously very confident, attractive and used to having relationships and you seeing that makes you feel worse.

Myself and other colleagues can also feel inadequate when we see other disabled people on social media being ultra positive and looking like they can conquer anything.. it’s a real thing, even for us who advocate for disabled people and have confidence around it. What we see either on TV or social media is never the whole story, this is why it’s so important for everyone to be authentic and show vulnerabilities too… if you spoke to Ross, you’d surely hear that he’s lacked confidence, found times hard etc. We all have. Try and remember that, and you will have your own story. You may be doing things that other people wish they could achieve.

With more representation though, non-disabled people will realise they can have lovely relationships with disabled people and it is not something to be nervous about.

Try and get yourself out there, socialise with like-minded people, who have similar interests as you and shine from within. That’s what attracts people.

Write out 10 things you love about yourself now and say them to yourself in the mirror every morning and night. Let’s start building your self worth and confidence!

Take care,
Zoe

Looking to read more Love Lounge questions? Why not visit our Love Lounge blog to find more questions and the answers written by our experts.

November 8, 2024
ADHD and loneliness: A person holding a cup of coffee in their hands

ADHD and loneliness: I need some advice on feeling alone and sad

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question: Struggling with ADHD and loneliness

Dear Love Lounge….

I have something called ADHD (bet you’ve never heard of that, haha).

I only got my diagnosis a few years ago but I’ve known for years I was struggling so it’s a massive relief to finally have a name put to it. I’m a 33 year old woman, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve had to go back and live with my parents. I’ve got a really successful job which is actually very much in the public eye (like a D list celebrity) and I’m good at it.

When it comes to my home life, I can’t cope well at all; my finances are a mess, my flat was so messy I couldn’t even clean it in the end and I wasn’t eating properly. I desperately want to be in a relationship but I feel like such a failure. Who is going to be with someone who can’t even run a house and needs to be looked after by their parents?

I like sex but I find it hard to orgasm with other people because I’m so often trapped in my own head and thoughts. I masturbate a lot and it’s a big relief to me, but I also find it very depressing at the same time.

I’m not sure what advice I need but anything you might suggest to me would be useful. I’m feeling very alone and sad at the moment.

Thanks,
Katy

The answer:

Hi Katy,

Ha, yes I don’t know what ADHD is! On a serious note, it can be really debilitating when you feel like you can’t cope with things like running a household.  Plenty of people struggle with this and plenty of these people have relationships. For now, it’s working that your parents are supporting you and taking that load away from you – but in a relationship you would discuss what things you’ll bring to the table and areas where you lack.  Your partner could be the perfect opposite and cover those areas, and in turn you cover for their weaker areas. It’s about negotiation and working out a system where you can do tasks in manageable chunks.

With regard to struggling to orgasm with other people, ADHD can really affect the focus of staying in the moment and being too easily distracted.  To maintain some focus, doing it in the dark could be helpful.  This eliminates the visual distractions and your senses of touch etc will be heightened. If you find yourself getting carried away in your own thoughts, ground yourself by getting your partner to describe what they’re doing to you (or vice-versa) – this can be sexy anyway, but will help you come back into the moment.

In addition to turning off the lights, you could start by getting yourself really relaxed before intimacy with a partner.  Perhaps a shower and putting the phone away for some time beforehand. Quieten the mind. Sensual touch, stroking, kissing could be all you aim for initially. The end goal doesn’t have to be sex or an orgasm. Take the pressure off yourself. Equally, some touch may become too much for you. It’s really important that you communicate clearly to your partner beforehand what you’re likely to experience and how you would like them to deal with it. eg you know you will get hypersensitive to one type of touch, so rather than grinning and bearing it, you’re confident enough to say to your partner, I need you to stop now and replace it with (a hug, no touch at all, talking, or touch in a different place). You do you!

I totally understand why, despite masturbating being a great relief to you, it then can make you feel depressed. It’s almost reaffirming that ‘I can only do this alone’.  The longer you avoid having sexual relationships, the more this fear could manifest in your head and potentially get bigger.  Hopefully, you’ll be kind to yourself and your situation and allow someone in to enjoy a relationship with you!

Best of luck,

Zoe

Want to support Love Lounge? why not visit our Donations page so you can find out how to get involved

Want to learn more about sex and ADHD? Head to our helpful blog on ADHD can help you find out more about the effect it might have on your sex life.

June 24, 2024
ASD and sexuality: Red lollipops in the shape of heart on a blue background.

ASD and sexuality: how do I explore when sex feels overwhelming?

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The Question: ASD and questioning my sexuality

Dear Love Lounge…..

I’m a 22 year old guy, I have ASD and I’m trying to figure out my sexuality. I’m pretty sure I’m gay but I still feel I have to work it out as there are some women I’m really attracted to still – but it’s more if they are kind and nice to me.

I find social events really hard so I have a very small group of friends, but they are good people. I’ve only ever had sex a handful of times and this is with a man. I don’t think I really enjoyed it very much. I found it all so overwhelming and intense. The smell and touch of someone was confusing because I really like him but getting so intimate with him I found too much for me.

He used a sex toy on me which was like a male vibrating one and I went along with it but I hated the feel of it and it made my body cringe almost.

I’m now questioning so much – am I asexual or maybe I’m not gay or maybe I’m just broken. I know I’m funny and kind and I do like myself in general, but this is really hard for me and I’ve got nobody to talk to.

Cheers,

Kyle

The answer:

Hi Kyle,

It sounds like you’re confused about putting yourself into a box and labelling your sexuality.  What if you are Asexual? Does that matter? You could develop a relationship with a partner at a level that will match with you.

Equally it could be the ASD sensory overload that is impacting your sexual experience. Learn what your limits are and what you like. Be clear with your partner and set some boundaries early on.  Don’t be nervous to do this – it will be much healthier in the long run. Once you’ve got to the cringe phase, you’ve gone too far.  Taking it slowly and doing the things you’re comfortable with will help you enjoy it more.

Regarding the women that you like when they’re nice to you, it could be just that – they’re friendly and kind.  With ASD you may be mistaking the subtle social nuances and then attaching too quickly. I guess being aware of this pattern might help you to question why you’re feeling attached.  And if you feel sexually attracted to them then that’s something you can also explore. Again it’s about learning what feels right for you and sometimes checking in with yourself to see if ASD is influencing your feelings.

Stay curious! Learn what you’re comfortable with and what you truly like and dislike.  And inform any potential partners ahead of time about how you are likely to feel, act, respond etc.

Good luck with your discoveries!

Zoe

Want to read more Love Lounge queries? Why not head to our blog page to read more?

Want to support Love Lounge to reach and help more people? Find out how you can get involved and support us by visiting our donation page

June 24, 2024
Disclosing dyslexia: three roses in yellow, pink and red

I’m worried about disclosing my dyslexia when dating

By Disability, The Love Lounge

The question on disclosing dyslexia:

Hello Love Lounge,

I have dyslexia and it affects my life massively, I’m not sure about disclosing my dyslexia when dating. I found people don’t really understand dyslexia and think it’s just about spelling and grammar etc but for me it affects me in so many other ways. I struggle to remember names of people and places and I find it really hard to follow directions and read any kind of map.

I’m using voice recognition to write this now so please excuse any mistakes. I’ve recently had the courage to start online dating again and I mainly use Hinge because you can use voice notes on the app and it makes it easier for me. However having the confidence to then meet up with someone and going to a place they might suggest, and that I don’t know, fills me with dread. I know I can’t always go to the same places, and I need to get out of my little bubble and comfort zone.

Do I disclose on my profile I’m dyslexic? or do I tell them once we’re chatting, or should I save it until I know them more? I still feel very ashamed about how my brain works but I wish I didn’t.

Thank you,
Sophie

The answer:

Hello Sophie,

It’s so common that people only think of dyslexia affecting reading and writing. But as we know, it can also mean poor organisation skills and poor short-term memory. So, arranging a date can of course bring these issues to the fore and you’re even more nervous than somebody not facing these challenges!

It’s up to you whether you tell the person you’re meeting that you have dyslexia – even if you ask for the things you need from them, you don’t have to say why. Suggest a place you know to begin with, and then when it’s their turn you could ask them to write it down over text for you (if it’s just been decided on a telephone call) so you can research beforehand where it is. If you’re really worried about navigating the map’s directions, you could always meet them nearby the venue at somewhere you know, and then walk up together.

Having a venue suggested to you with very short notice is likely to make you panic more – again be open and say let me know a good few hours before! Again, its up to you whether you say at this point ‘er I’m dyslexic and need time to check where I’m going otherwise, you’ll never meet me if I’m MIA – and what a shame that would be!’

Remember that being dyslexic has loads of good attributes too! They’re going to love your big picture thinking, your dynamism in conversation etc. Don’t let the fear of getting some details muddled put you off!

Have fun and celebrate your brain’s wonderful way of functioning!

Zoe

Want to support Love Lounge? You can visit our donations page to find out what you need to know about supporting us

Going on a first date? visit our blog page about accessible first date spaces to get some suggestions on where to go!

June 24, 2024
Girlfriend: two hands clasped together.

I have cerebral palsy and use a wheelchair – how do I find a girlfriend?

By The Love Lounge

The question: How do I find a girlfriend?

Hi

I am 33 years old, I have cerebral palsy and I’m in a wheelchair. I have been trying dating sites for a while. Do you have any suggestions? 

I have been trying to find a girlfriend online but I’ve had no luck.

I have not really had sex but I would like to.

Thanks

Glenn

 

The answer:

Hi Glenn,

Dating sites are notoriously difficult for everyone – but even more so when you have a visible disability! People judge too quickly and swipe left!

I wonder if it would be worth you going to a speed dating event? Obviously I don’t know if your speech is affected by your CP which may pose a barrier when it comes to speed dating.. but that option could be good to actually get to meet people and charm them face to face!

You could look at Eventbrite – things to do in the UK and search within your area?

If you want to explore another avenue to have a sexual encounter but with no relationship involved there is the option of using a sex worker.  This isn’t for everyone and should be carefully considered before doing it as some people feel bad afterwards. Yes, they may feel happy that they’ve lost their virginity but they can feel a bit empty afterwards.  You would need to think about it before pursuing it.  You could go on the TLC Trust site where they have sex workers who are comfortable working with disabled people.

Hope this helps, and I’m sorry we can’t be more specific about dating sites.  We have been doing a campaign on Disabled dating apps so check us out on Instagram Instagram Undressing Disability

If you ever want to have a more detailed chat with us, then feel free to book in one of our Love Lounge sessions on Zoom. https://calendly.com/enhancetheuk/60min?month=

Best wishes for some success,

Zoe

Want to read more Love Lounge queries? visit our Love Lounge page to see all of our questions and their answers. 

April 23, 2024
A pink rose in a jar

How do I cope with the power change in our relationship?

By The Love Lounge

The question:

Hi there,

I have become disabled in later life and unfortunately will continue to degenerate.

My wife and I have been together for 30 years and have always had differences in how we approach life.  This hasn’t been such a problem but now that I am less independent it is becoming more apparent. There is a shift in the power dynamic of our relationship that I’m not comfortable with, due to her being the breadwinner. This is having an impact on us sexually too. I almost feel I have to do what she wants and that I’m not considered as much. I think I feel a bit used.

Geoff

 

The answer:

Hello Geoff,

Thanks for your honesty.  It can be really hard for couples to adapt when disability comes into the relationship. It sure can throw out the dynamics that were there before and both of you will be dealing with a whole heap of emotions brought about by the change.

Unfortunately, a lot of disabled people can feel like they’re a burden to family members, friends etc.  It sounds like you and your wife aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet, as it were, and perhaps never have – but it’s now more obvious and creating problems.  I would always encourage checking in with someone regularly asking them how they’re feeling and also getting your feelings heard.  Sounds easy – but not always if the other partner is defensive or doesn’t want to meet you in the middle. 

I don’t know if you feel you can be vulnerable with her – particularly as you say you’re feeling a shift in power.  Usually being vulnerable results in closeness, but equally you need to ensure you feel safe with her (emotionally).  I guess this could play out as having a few small conversations to get her thinking, before you drop the big info about feeling used.  Test the waters first.  Sometimes, if you’re not feeling heard or a conversation quickly escalates into an argument, then perhaps writing a heartfelt letter could be more effective.  She can read and assimilate it when calm and not so defensive.

She may be feeling like she’s carrying the load now and so then gives the air that you should be doing something for her (eg the sexual stuff) and you probably feel like you want to give back/owe her. Maybe let her know that you think she’s doing a great job and you’re proud of her. Maybe she is feeling unseen and is trying to establish a strong role for herself now that your situation is changing. We don’t know if she’s scared of the future as your condition is getting worse. People react in different ways.  This could be pretty complex stuff so if things don’t improve, I would suggest going to a couples therapist where you can both safely express your fears and wishes.

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability #LoveLounge

January 26, 2024
The Quest sex toy range

My Quest: Ellie’s inclusive sex toy joy

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Launching our Quest range was one of the best parts of 2023 and we have been blown away by the response. We wanted to share this wonderful piece of writing by Ellie who tried a few of the Quest toys.

I’m Ellie, a 21-year-old student at Liverpool Hope University studying Disability Studies, and I identify as a disabled woman. My physical impairment goes by the name Cerebral Palsy and prevails in all four limbs of my body, meaning that I am also a powered wheelchair user.

I would say that I have always been quite confident and outgoing; however, reflecting on my secondary school experiences, this was not the case. Studying Disability Studies has been transformative and permitted me to reflect on these past experiences to reveal a new identity for myself. Framing disability as a social construction has truly shown me what it means to be confident in yourself and realise that I am entitled to access whatever I please – it’s just advocating for barrier removal. This self-actualisation has permitted me to embrace who I am, with no justifications needed, and is what got me involved with Enhance.

Growing up, the thought of sexual pleasure subtly resided in the back of my mind, but I mundanely shrugged this off. Given that I had to navigate through a somewhat segregated and ableist secondary school environment, I didn’t see sexual pleasure as a priority or a right. I know it’s a cliche, but university certainly changed my perspective about disability and my identity as a disabled young woman.

Sex, sexuality and disability

Studying the topic of sexuality and disability at university reaffirmed that disabled people have sexual desires and the right to express themselves sexually. Of course, being disabled myself, I already knew this, but the newfound self I discovered during my time at university gave me a tremendous urge to explore my options further.

I began resonating back with my younger self, recognising that the lack of information around disability and sexual pleasure made me feel quite self-conscious about my little understanding of how I can access things like sex toys, having so many questions about the functionality of using a sex toy.

Of course, growing up, I’ve tried masturbating and have always found that I can’t position my hand even to get close, or my involuntary hand movements make the attempt too forceful and uncoordinated, which is uncomfortable.

Through discovering a passion for this topic and the personal journey of self-discovery and acceptance, I plucked up the courage to contact the Love Lounge. It was so refreshing to be in an environment that encapsulated the essence of validation and advocacy. I felt incredibly at ease exploring how I could better facilitate my sexual desires, and this is where I learned about the Quest Adventure panty vibrator.

I was just compelled and amazed that adapted sex toys exist. These toys should be marketed with no question, but being absconded from sexual pleasure for most of my adolescence, this was something to get excited about! From the accessible packaging to the performance, I’ve been impressed by the product and its functionality, speaking from a disabled person’s perspective!

I’ve found that it’s more than just a toy; it’s the self-actualisation that I can masturbate, and the lack of discussion about disabled people being able to pleasure themselves is what needs addressing in society. Enhance fosters this perfectly, further empowering me to embrace my identity and instil this in other disabled girls similar to my teenage self!

Interested in the Quest range? Why not visit the Quest website

Got a problem for our sexperts at Love Lounge? Send in your questions and have a chat with us by visiting our Love Lounge page.

January 11, 2024
Top