Skip to main content

Free Relationship & Sex Resources

This is our page for all things free and sexy. You’ll find all our accessible PDF guides, articles, free support and our very own online magazine here

Kelly wearing a hat and black underwear, posing for the undressing disability campaign
Downloadable PDF’s

#UndressingDisability: Sex Ed for Teenagers

At Enhance The UK, we believe more conversations around sex & disability need to be started. We’re not shy, we’ll discuss just about anything!

a wheelchair user being 'helped' up some stairs
Article Link

Frequently UNASKED Questions!

On the contrary, there’s many Frequently Unasked Questions about disability! People are often afraid to ask questions and worry about how to treat disabled people to avoid offending.

Go to page
Q&A’s

Your Sex Questions Answered

We receive a lot of curious questions from people with and without disabilities about sex. Here’s some of the most commonly asked questions.

Go to page

DON'T FORGET ABOUT
LIABILITY MAGAZINE!

Liability is an online monthly magazine published by us. It’s written by a group of women who all have disabilities and are not afraid to talk about them. They have a lot to say each month and topics covered range from sex and relationships to current affairs, politics and fashion. There really is something for everyone!

See this month's issue
Recent Blogs

There’s helpful information, questions and articles on our blog too…

Point of view of somone lying down, looking at their blue jeans. There is a woman in underwear behind mesh curtains

Helping patients who want to experience sexual contact

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I have a middle aged male client who I support at home with care. He has progressive MS and is interested in having sexual contact with someone.
I would like advice as to how I can go about helping him. I have done a bit of research into sex workers and it seems like this would be an option? How do I go about getting a sex worker that will assist him with his access needs etc.
Any assistance will be greatly appreciated.
Kindly
S

The Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us, and it’s great to see that you are open to helping your client in this way. He must really appreciate that.

We have considered your question and will advise you of the legalities as well as making sure both you and your client are happy with the process.

It sounds as though you have an open, trusting relationship for him to have made his wishes known to you, and for you to source a way of facilitating this for him.  As well as the booking of someone, there’s the discussions to be had about your part in it.  Would he like you to stay in the house for safety, or go out for a while? Will you be there when the person comes in, will you help undress him etc, or would he rather the sex worker do this? Make your plan together clear, so that you don’t cross any boundaries or make each other feel awkward in the situation.  Say what you both are comfortable with re how involved you will be.

Now with regard to the legalities, the situation is as follows;

The service user must place the booking themselves and make all arrangements.  If the service user is not able to do this (by virtue of their disability) then it is permitted for a staff member to place the booking and make the arrangements for a service user, if the service user is over the age of consent and has ‘capacity’ to consent.

It is best if the client pays over any money to the sex worker themselves as the law still has a grey, and untested, area of ‘procurement’.  If, however, the service user needs physical support to hand over his or her money by a staff member, there should be no problem as long as it is clear that the money is the service user’s own, he or she has asked for this support and the service user is in full agreement with the mutually agreed price for services to be provided.

You may have already found a website offering these services, but one we can recommend is the TLC Trust as they work specifically with disabled people, so have the experience and tact of how to manage many different scenarios.  They may be on the pricey side, but this will be up to your client..

Hope this information helps and we wish you all the best!

Zoe

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Someone holding a pink vibrator. It is larger than their hand

The top five quiet vibrators

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

When it comes to good vibes, the ones generating the best buzz are the quieter ones on the market. After all, who wants to worry about noise when you live at home, have housemates or might be sensitive to the sound?

There are a lot of reasons other than housemates why people may prefer a quieter vibe. This can include neurodiverse conditions such as ADHD or autism where you may find the noise distracting or uncomfortable. It may also be difficult to determine the volume levels of a toy if you are deaf or hearing impaired.

Sadly, not all vibes are created equal, so some can be a lot louder than others creating potentially uncomfortable situations all around. However, there are some out there that are quieter than others.

It’s important to note that all toys will have some sound, and the higher the setting, the more noise it will make. That said, toy companies are becoming aware of the need for ‘quiet time’ and creating better options.

Putting the toys to the test

We’ve created a list of the Top Five Toys we rated and recommend for a practically silent session.

Some important things to note about the tester: they are a non-binary person with a vulva so the toys are chosen with this in mind. They are also neurodiverse so sound can be an issue for them.

 

Image of the vibrator and the box. they are pinkThe Smile Makers. The artist vibrator

The artist is a wonderful innovative toy and has become something of a favourite in recent times thanks to its versatility.

This almost silent toy is possibly one of the quietest vibes we have ever sampled although it’s worth noting that it does get louder when the speed increases. However, it’s nothing that can’t be covered with a closed-door – it doesn’t need much.

 

When it comes to speed, the toy has nine pulsation modes, but it’s the way that they can be used which makes it a clever purchase. The toy has two parts: one for insertion and another for clitoral stimulation. It can also be used for clitoral or penetration alone if you prefer one or the other. As clinical as that sounds, dual stimulation toys don’t come to play when it comes to the main event.

It has been designed for vulva owners and does fit the body perfectly, although it is also adjustable in case you need a minor change. It also features two sensors at the side of the toy which allow you to select two different pulsations for either part of the vibe. It’s the truly customisable options that makes it a great purchase.

It’s also easily gripped, waterproof, easy to clean, and also scores bonus points for not being gendered or shaped like a rabbit.

This is a great purchase for anyone who needs a well-designed toy with options.

Rating: 5/5

£107 Shop here

 

Picture of the stimulator. It's purple and in a u shapeAnn Summers. The Whisper Clitoral stimulator

Ann Summers is one of the most notorious sex shops on the high street so it can often be the first venture for beginners new to sex shops. The online store also feels a little less scary than some of the other options out there.

The Whisper is a clitoral stimulator that has two rounded sides that pulsate. It can also be used as a bullet vibe. It’s a great choice for anyone who enjoys a bit of clitoral action or prefers a firmer texture from a toy.  Texture can matter when it comes to selecting the right toy as some people prefer softer or harder materials. The body-safe silicone of Whisper is firmer than it feels and provides the right level of stimulation. It’s a lot easier to grip than a standard bullet too.

The toy offers 11 different patterns and speeds but doesn’t compromise on strength despite its quietness. It estimates that it comes in at 35db which makes it house share ready.

The Whisper toys are great for anyone who might be searching for a starter vibrator but feels a little frightened by some of the tech options out there. It is incredibly easy to operate as you just need to click and go – no fancy app pairing or confusing buttons to learn about.

If a bullet-style toy isn’t your thing but you like the quietness of the Whisper then it’s worth noting that this is a collection. There is also an insertion option which has the iconic Ann Summers rabbit shape. They even have a more classically shaped bullet so you can find what works for you.

Rating: 3.5/5

£48  Shop here 

 

Someones hand holding the turquoise vibrator.Mystery Vibe. Poco vibrator

The Poco vibrator is an impressively designed toy which has been created to feel like a finger. The toy bends into almost a U-shape in the body with a little bit of pressure. It can be used either for insertion or held against the clitoris for extra stimulation.  There are two joints on the toy so you can curve it into three sections which fit your own body or between yourself and your partner.

There is some noise with Poco but it’s nothing a closed-door or light music couldn’t handle. It’s more of a low purr or pulsating noise in comparison to a full-scale intense rumble.

The smaller size of the vibe at 1.6 inches at the widest point, and 5.9 inches long. Making it a great option for anyone who is feeling nervous about making the jump into sex toys – especially anyone worried about noise levels.

For couples who like a technical option, the vibrator can be paired with an app that your partner can control. It’s also waterproof so it can be taken into the shower to mix it up a bit.

The vibe has eight different speeds and 16 different intensities which you can mix and match so it is very difficult to get bored. You can also program it to remember your preferences as well so even if you forget a favourite setting – the vibe won’t.

Rating: 3.5/5

 £90 Shop here 

 

The white vibrator against a beige backgroundDame products. The Com

This has become ‘the one’ in what is a very overcrowded bedside table drawer. The com is a great toy and one of the more quiet ones we have quite literally come across. It’s a fantastic option for anyone struggling with reach, grip or someone who needs a strong pressure or firmer texture from a toy.

 

It’s a truly quiet vibrator that doesn’t sacrifice strength for silence when it gets going. It was impressively silent only letting out a solid purr sound instead of the usual buzz.

The com, despite its design, is actually a clitoral stimulator although it looks more like an insertion toy. It’s designed to fit with the body so the medical-grade silicone is soft to the touch and sleekly contoured. It features five different patterns or intensities so you can mix and match to see what suits you.

The stronger the setting, the better the vibes – trust us on that. As with all vibrators, the noise does increase slightly if you up the ante on the speed but it’s still not that loud in comparison to others out there.

The powerful toy is really simple and quick to use which is great for anyone looking for something easy to hold with intensity. Or something that is no muss, no fuss – just good vibes all around.

Rating: 4.5/5

£125  Shop here 

 

Pink background with the toy in black. It looks similar to a computer mouse in shape Sinful 2 in 1 Bliss

Sinful is one of the quietest multi-use toys out there and it makes a great couples toy. It comes in two parts: a remote and a simple egg-shaped toy with ten speeds. The layout is thankfully simple and it’s really easy to use.

The versatility vibe can be used in many different ways. Including as a clitoral bullet, insertion toy or remote-control option. This means lots of super options for solo or couple play. The different choices with this toy made it fun to use as it felt like the options were endless with it.

The vibrations could be intense but thankfully it does come with a softer side too. The versatile toy also looks discreet and is contoured to the body similar to the artist and com.

If any criticism, sometimes love eggs can be difficult to use if you rely on someone to help you position sex toys or struggle with grip. What goes up, must come down… so all egg-shaped toys like this need a well-attached cord to help them be removed.

We did like that the toy wasn’t gendered which made it more appealing and it came in a neutral colour too. The range on the toy is 10 meters but frankly, we ended up not making it that far apart when testing….

Rating: 4/5

£47.99 Shop here

 

Looking for more like this? Our Undressing Disability Hub has more sex toy reviews for you to browse. Sign up for free here

 

 

Woman with knee high boots standing next to a railing, she is visable up to her waist. The backlighting is pink and blue

Disability and sex lessons from a striptease artist

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

“What stripping for people with disabilities taught me about sex”

Ruth Ramsay is a sex educator and coach, but for over a decade was a striptease artist ‘Solitaire’. Here she shares the lessons that performing for audiences with disabilities has taught her about disability and sexual needs.

“Right now I feel on top of the world!”

Peeping out through the stage door, I see the audience are ready for the show to begin.

I’m performing at Extreme Burlesque, a striptease show for people with disabilities. I’m delighted to see many of the women in the audience are dressed-up, with feather boas draped over wheelchairs and sparkly makeup. It’s always more fun as a performer when the audience is into it.

Chatting to some of the ladies later, I become aware there is more at play here than a fun night out. “Thank you for this” one says, gesturing to the glittery corset her carer helped her to put on earlier. “I never get the opportunity to dress like this. I never get to act as sexy as I am inside. Right now I feel on top of the world!”

I hadn’t thought before about the day-to-day barriers people with disabilities may face to express their sexuality. There was also the deeper issue of ‘desire – ability’*: we receive messages from media, culture, caregivers etc about what bodies are approved in our society to feel desire (as well as which are desirable). This nuance was something I had never been aware of before.

Importance of independence black and white image of a woman upside down on a pole. There is smoke to the left of the picture

I’m stood by the stage curtain, ready to step out onto the stage and start my show, and I’m feeling emotional.

It’s a Sunday afternoon at a strip pub in London. I have just been talking to the friend of a young guy in the audience who I’ve seen before on Sunday shifts. He has cerebral palsy, uses a wheelchair, and has limited control over his movements and vocalisation. His friend lines up pound coins on the edge of the table (this is a venue where we collect £1 from each audience member in a beer jug before each show), and he has just enough mobility to knock them into the jug if we hold it just below the edge of the table.

This same friend has just explained his Sunday visits to me. The disabled mans mum – his main carer – thinks he’s at a social club for people with disabilities, with a membership fee. She’s happy to pay, as he comes back so happy and invigorated. She doesn’t know he is visiting a strip pub and the money is going to dancers. “This is the highlight of his month. It’s what keeps him going the rest of the time,” his friend tells me.

Before this I hadn’t properly appreciated before, sexual energy as such an uplifting and healing force: the power of being recognised as a sexual being, welcomed and accepted in an environment that’s all about erotic energy.

Night of The Senses

I’m gazing around me in amazement, my eyes drinking in the scene of naked skin, moist lips, kinky and fabulous outfits and sex acts happening in full sight…

I am at the Night of The Senses, the after-party to the annual Erotic Awards. It’s early in my stripping career, and I’ve just performed in the Awards show. Proceeds go to Outsiders, a charity which helps people with disabilities find friends, romance and partners. The Night is my first-ever raunchy anything-goes party.

Skimpily-dressed people are kissing, caressing and more; there’s leather and whips and toys; the dancefloor is a mass of motion, smiles and laughter. And about half of this sexy crowd have disabilities.

It was an important lesson to me early on, that having a disability in no way necessarily impairs a person’s ability to want or enjoy sexual pleasure. Access to such pleasure should not be dependent on a conventionally ‘functional’ or attractive body. “Of course!”, I hear Undressing Disability readers shout. But nearly 20 years later, it still feels mainstream awareness is lagging behind.

“What, is it off? Already???!”

Blue and pink lit image of aa music deck with a dancer in the backgroundMy final lesson brings us back to my Extreme Burlesque. During my striptease I am allowed off the stage to roam around the audience.

At mainstream venues like this I’d sometimes choose a guy to undo my bra clasp. Usually this involved quite a bit of fumbling and took some time! I admit that in that moment, I assumed that it would take an audience member here a lot longer.

I chose a guy who had the mobility in his arms and hands to attempt the task, and was sat where I could rest on the edge of a table while he took his time. He had a respectful vibe – I didn’t want to get groped – and looked like he had a sense of humour.

Sashaying over to him, I gave him a big smile, then turned my back and pointed to my bra clasp, with a “will you undo this for me?” motion. I settled down in front of him, ready for us all (him included) to have a laugh as he tried to undo it, looking back over my shoulder at him.

He gave me a cheeky grin, then with one hand quickly reached up, pinched the clasp between finger and thumb and pinged it off. It was undone in under a second. Never before (or since) has anyone done that so expertly.

Lesson – do not assume someone’s level of sexual experience and expertise based on them having a disability!

Concluding thoughts

These lessons served me well during my career as a stripper, and continue to now I am a coach. I was taught the healing power of sexual energy; made aware of how many people are denied access to it; saw the importance of feeling desire-able (as well as desirable); and learnt to never make assumptions. Plus so much more that there isn’t space to mention here.

Without these lessons, I might have had fun as a dancer for a few years, then left that world behind. Instead, working with sexual energy became my life’s passion and purpose.

Thank you to all the diverse communities – including disabled, trans, ageing and non-binary – who continue to teach me so much and expand my view of sexual expression.

 

Find out more about Ruth and contact her via her website.

 

*This concept has been brought into clearer words for me by the author and therapist Lucie Fielding, in her amazing book ‘Trans Sex – Clinical Approaches To Trans Sexualities And Erotic Embodiement’. Find the book here

 

Read more like this on our UndressingDisability blog 

The Love Lounge

 

ASK THE NON-EXPERT
SEXPERTS ANYTHING...

If you feel alone and need to talk to someone, get a bit of down to earth advice or need some practical tips on sex, relationships and flirting, please come and talk to our resident love non expert sexperts!

Explore The Love Lounge
Top