At just 27 years old, disabled model and writer Dee Smith has modelled for London Fashion Week, featured in Cosmopolitan magazine, and launched her own podcast.
We spoke to her about how she’s combining creativity and disability advocacy to champion self-expression and inclusivity for disabled people.
Tell us more about your disability advocacy work. What is it all about and what made you want to start advocating in the first place?
I’m creative. All my advocacy work revolves around things I love and am passionate about, such as creating a photoshoot to model or writing a poetry piece. I went from able bodied to disabled and all of a sudden I noticed how ableist and inaccessible the world is because of toxic stereotypes that are NOT true. So I intended to change that through creative avenues.
You’ve modelled at London Fashion week and share images from many amazing photoshoots via your Instagram. What do you love most about modelling?
The freedom to be creative! I get to be anyone and do anything. I can be artistic, scary, beautiful, sexy, honest. The possibilities are endless! Plus, it inspires others and shows people what I and other disabled people can do. It educates.
How has your relationship with sex and desirability changed since becoming disabled?
It was a journey. I went from thinking I was undesirable and unwanted because of my disability and what society has told us. I had to learn to love my own body and embrace my sexuality again. Learning to love all of me, disability and all, has been a journey.
What is one myth or stereotype about disabled people that you would like to dispel? That we aren’t sexy, beautiful, and desirable with needs.
What are your goals for the future? Do you have any dreams you hope to realise or upcoming projects you’d like people to know about?
My goals are to advocate more in bigger, more mainstream media where disabled advocacy can be heard and taught. Hopefully branching out into acting. I also have a podcast on Spotify called Training Wheels where I talk to all kinds of people, from all walks of life, and ask them to share their stories.
I am 33 years old, I have cerebral palsy and I’m in a wheelchair. I have been trying dating sites for a while. Do you have any suggestions?
I have been trying to find a girlfriend online but I’ve had no luck.
I have not really had sex but I would like to.
Thanks
Glenn
The answer:
Hi Glenn,
Dating sites are notoriously difficult for everyone – but even more so when you have a visible disability! People judge too quickly and swipe left!
I wonder if it would be worth you going to a speed dating event? Obviously I don’t know if your speech is affected by your CP which may pose a barrier when it comes to speed dating.. but that option could be good to actually get to meet people and charm them face to face!
You could look at Eventbrite – things to do in the UK and search within your area?
If you want to explore another avenue to have a sexual encounter but with no relationship involved there is the option of using a sex worker. This isn’t for everyone and should be carefully considered before doing it as some people feel bad afterwards. Yes, they may feel happy that they’ve lost their virginity but they can feel a bit empty afterwards. You would need to think about it before pursuing it. You could go on the TLC Trust site where they have sex workers who are comfortable working with disabled people.
Hope this helps, and I’m sorry we can’t be more specific about dating sites. We have been doing a campaign on Disabled dating apps so check us out on Instagram Instagram Undressing Disability
It’s Stress Awareness Month which aims to highlight the effect that stress can have on our well being, mental and emotional health. Not to mention, it can cause problems with our relationships as the last thing you may feel like doing is being intimate or affectionate.
There are lots of small changes you can make to help improve your mindset. There are some small changes you can introduce to your day to boost your levels of serotonin – known as the happy hormone -to get you feeling a bit better.
1 – Screen breaks for better wellbeing and less stress
Our workplaces are online now more than ever, and this can have a huge effect on our moods and our eyes. Not only that but after we finish work, we flick through Instagram or fall asleep reading Reddit. This can often mean our mental health and relationships suffer from screen time.
Being online constantly can increase your stress levels making you feel more burned out. By slowing down to take time for yourself, you can also improve your sleep, increase focus, and reduce eye strain or headaches. There are plenty of things you can do to unwind instead of insta. Why not try introducing bath bombs and a nice hot soak, reading a relaxing book while curled up, massage with oils or CBD lotions….without or without your partner!
2 – Practise mindfulness
Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and the world around you. It may also alleviate stress and anxiety by helping you to appreciate life more.
If your mind wanders to future worries or past events, then gently bring your thoughts back to the present. It could be that you take two minutes of your day to pay attention to what surrounds you physically such as the room you are in. It can help you to feel more grounded. Listen to your breathing or try a slow exercise such as tai chi or even meditation.
3- Break the routine
It’s so easy to fall into a routine and it can be quite comforting too. Introducing short exercise breaks or spending time outside can help to get endorphins flowing and give you something to focus on other than what is stressing you out. It may even help you to clear your mind and sleep better.
It doesn’t have to be anything high-impact or stressful but a short walk through a park or down the street can have an effect. If you are unable to exercise, even just introducing a few minutes per day to do something out of your routine which is self-care orientated can help.
4 – Pack a good mood food lunch or office snack
The new year is always associated with healthy eating or going vegan, even giving up alcohol. Although it can be hard to continue to go cold turkey on carbs as the months go on. Making smaller changes can be easier to maintain over the year like adding seeds to porridge or swapping milk chocolate for dark chocolate.
Several foods make great snacks that can boost serotonin which is often referred to as the happy hormone. Bananas, berries, quinoa, salmon or dark chocolate all affect our wellbeing. These could be added to meals or snack times throughout the day.
Interested in how stress can affect your libido? Visit our blog to read more about its effects.
5 – Take up a creative activity
Creative activities can be a really good way of unwinding after work. If you’ve not tried art since A-Levels then there are plenty of other things you can choose from such as knitting, singing, writing songs or poems. Why not join a group locally or set one up?
6 – Add supplements for stress relief
There are so many supplements out there that it can feel overwhelming to start. Some are perfect for alleviating stress or helping you to relax in the evenings. Cannabidiol (CBD) has become popular for helping people to unwind. It is thought to work by interacting with receptors in the body potentially sending signals to the neurotransmitter, serotonin. It’s easy to take as it can be used as oil drops under the tongue or edibles or even as creams rubbed into the skin.
Ashwagandha is a plant and an adaptogen. It is thought that Ashwangha may reduce cortisol levels. Cortisol is the stress hormone produced by our adrenal glands. Reishi and Lion’s Mane mushrooms are also said to have calming effects – both can be taken as a capsule.
Recognising when you need help
It’s important to recognise when sadness might be a sign of something deeper. If you are struggling with hopelessness, sadness, low mood or lack of sleep then it might be a sign that you have depression.
Reaching out to your GP or healthcare professional is critical as it can help you to improve your well-being.
There are lots of different helplines and websites that you can access:
Love Lounge
Our Love Lounge can help. If you are feeling lonely and need a chat or need a face-to-face, one-to-one session, then get in touch. It’s a completely free service offered by our resident sex and relationship experts who can offer confidential advice and discussion.
Samaritans: you can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year by free calling 116 123. You can also email jo@samaritans.org. You can also visit their website.
SANEline: SANEline on 0300 304 7000 (4.30 pm–10.30 pm every day)
National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK: Offers a supportive listening service to anyone with thoughts of suicide. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK on 0800 689 5652 (6 pm to midnight every day)
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): 0800 58 58 58 (5 pm–midnight every day) CALM also run a web chat service on their website.
Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258. Shout offers a confidential 24/7 text service providing support for crisis and immediate help.
The Mix: (Under 25) The Mix on 0808 808 4994 (3 pm-midnight every day), request support by email using this form on The Mix website.
I have become disabled in later life and unfortunately will continue to degenerate.
My wife and I have been together for 30 years and have always had differences in how we approach life.This hasn’t been such a problem but now that I am less independent it is becoming more apparent. There is a shift in the power dynamic of our relationship that I’m not comfortable with, due to her being the breadwinner. This is having an impact on us sexually too. I almost feel I have to do what she wants and that I’m not considered as much. I think I feel a bit used.
Geoff
The answer:
Hello Geoff,
Thanks for your honesty.It can be really hard for couples to adapt when disability comes into the relationship. It sure can throw out the dynamics that were there before and both of you will be dealing with a whole heap of emotions brought about by the change.
Unfortunately, a lot of disabled people can feel like they’re a burden to family members, friends etc.It sounds like you and your wife aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet, as it were, and perhaps never have – but it’s now more obvious and creating problems.I would always encourage checking in with someone regularly asking them how they’re feeling and also getting your feelings heard.Sounds easy – but not always if the other partner is defensive or doesn’t want to meet you in the middle.
I don’t know if you feel you can be vulnerable with her – particularly as you say you’re feeling a shift in power.Usually being vulnerable results in closeness, but equally you need to ensure you feel safe with her (emotionally).I guess this could play out as having a few small conversations to get her thinking, before you drop the big info about feeling used.Test the waters first.Sometimes, if you’re not feeling heard or a conversation quickly escalates into an argument, then perhaps writing a heartfelt letter could be more effective.She can read and assimilate it when calm and not so defensive.
She may be feeling like she’s carrying the load now and so then gives the air that you should be doing something for her (eg the sexual stuff) and you probably feel like you want to give back/owe her. Maybe let her know that you think she’s doing a great job and you’re proud of her. Maybe she is feeling unseen and is trying to establish a strong role for herself now that your situation is changing. We don’t know if she’s scared of the future as your condition is getting worse. People react in different ways.This could be pretty complex stuff so if things don’t improve, I would suggest going to a couples therapist where you can both safely express your fears and wishes.
Contact Us
Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern. Get in touch if you’d like some advice.
Launching our Quest range was one of the best parts of 2023 and we have been blown away by the response. We wanted to share this wonderful piece of writing by Ellie who tried a few of the Quest toys.
I’m Ellie, a 21-year-old student at Liverpool Hope University studying Disability Studies, and I identify as a disabled woman. My physical impairment goes by the name Cerebral Palsy and prevails in all four limbs of my body, meaning that I am also a powered wheelchair user.
I would say that I have always been quite confident and outgoing; however, reflecting on my secondary school experiences, this was not the case. Studying Disability Studies has been transformative and permitted me to reflect on these past experiences to reveal a new identity for myself. Framing disability as a social construction has truly shown me what it means to be confident in yourself and realise that I am entitled to access whatever I please – it’s just advocating for barrier removal. This self-actualisation has permitted me to embrace who I am, with no justifications needed, and is what got me involved with Enhance.
Growing up, the thought of sexual pleasure subtly resided in the back of my mind, but I mundanely shrugged this off. Given that I had to navigate through a somewhat segregated and ableist secondary school environment, I didn’t see sexual pleasure as a priority or a right. I know it’s a cliche, but university certainly changed my perspective about disability and my identity as a disabled young woman.
Sex, sexuality and disability
Studying the topic of sexuality and disability at university reaffirmed that disabled people have sexual desires and the right to express themselves sexually. Of course, being disabled myself, I already knew this, but the newfound self I discovered during my time at university gave me a tremendous urge to explore my options further.
I began resonating back with my younger self, recognising that the lack of information around disability and sexual pleasure made me feel quite self-conscious about my little understanding of how I can access things like sex toys, having so many questions about the functionality of using a sex toy.
Of course, growing up, I’ve tried masturbating and have always found that I can’t position my hand even to get close, or my involuntary hand movements make the attempt too forceful and uncoordinated, which is uncomfortable.
Through discovering a passion for this topic and the personal journey of self-discovery and acceptance, I plucked up the courage to contact the Love Lounge. It was so refreshing to be in an environment that encapsulated the essence of validation and advocacy. I felt incredibly at ease exploring how I could better facilitate my sexual desires, and this is where I learned about the Quest Adventure panty vibrator.
I was just compelled and amazed that adapted sex toys exist. These toys should be marketed with no question, but being absconded from sexual pleasure for most of my adolescence, this was something to get excited about! From the accessible packaging to the performance, I’ve been impressed by the product and its functionality, speaking from a disabled person’s perspective!
I’ve found that it’s more than just a toy; it’s the self-actualisation that I can masturbate, and the lack of discussion about disabled people being able to pleasure themselves is what needs addressing in society. Enhance fosters this perfectly, further empowering me to embrace my identity and instil this in other disabled girls similar to my teenage self!
I am writing for some advice as a disabled wheelchair user with a complex physical disability who has a small structure with limited and short arms and was wondering if you might be able to recommend any devices for solitary enjoyment. I would be able to put a toy over my penis if the item was easy enough to stretch open without too much strength required.
Thanks,
Tony
The Answer
I can suggest some ideas for you – and hope that some will be useable with the strength you do have.Remember, it is ok to ask a PA/carer to assist you with the use of a sex toy – they can put the attachment on your penis for you, as long as you’re not erect. And they mustn’t be in the room when the toy is switched on, or when any sexual activity is occurring.
So, now for some product ideas!! –
We have our new inclusive sex toy range, Quest, out now. There is a wand called Discover with a long handle and a grip handle for easier use with limited dexterity. If you sign up to the emails you get 25% off your first order!
A couple of other options that I often recommend are
Keon & Feel Stroker (kiiroo.com) This is a different style of toy but it is really good and you can also get accessories for it to help you hold it. It can be used interactively so may be a bit easier for you to use in that setting. Keon Accessories ǀ Kiiroo
I am a severely disabled lady with Cerebral Palsy approaching 60.
I have been messaging a man for years. it was just a general chat, but this year we have become more sexually expressive, which I am enjoying..
I have live-in care and obviously, the care workers sleep next door to me, so they would hear anything we do, and they are required to record everything they do. they would have to record that someone has visited me.
He lives in 3 hours away from me so it would just be for a meal and hopefully some intimacy when we meet up.
I have never been with an able-bodied man before, and I really want to experience that. But I am a bit nervous of his reaction if I can’t move the way able-bodied women do. I have told him how disabled I am, but I am used to shocked responses from people who haven’t seen me before.
He has said he is interested in having sex with a disabled woman and is willing to come down to a hotel for a meet up. He is happy to help me sexually if the occasion presents itself and is right.
I don’t know how to get the care worker to respect my privacy as a passionate and sexual woman – they are required to record everything they do with me and for me.
I have had a meeting with the care manager at the agency and they just said, if a care worker is with me, they have to write down what they do and where we go.
I really don’t know what to do or who to get to help with this situation. I need advice from an outside person, who isn’t judgemental, and knows that sexual activity is a human need.
Thank you for your help.
Fiona
The Answer:
It sounds lovely that your friendship with this man has developed into something titillating – and it sounds like you’re enjoying that! And like you say, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will lead to something physical on the day, as you’ll only do what you’re comfortable with.
It’s always a difficult situation when you live with care when you want some intimate private time. Of course, there are safeguarding issues with regard to the carers and agency covering themselves, however as long as you have capacity you should be able to make the life choices you want. Yes, they may need to write where you went etc but they don’t need to write intimate details. And really those notes shouldn’t be shared with anybody else other than your team. (unless of course a situation arises re safeguarding etc).
So, I guess if you don’t mind your favourite carers knowing, and they’re the ones you have helping you that day, then the thought of it being written down shouldn’t stop you doing this meet up. Be proud of your passion. I totally understand it’s not what any other adult has to go through – they don’t get their sexual activity documented – so it seems unfair that we do.
However, as I say, they will not need to write explicit details. So, weigh up your levels of embarrassment and (an unfortunately necessary) invasion of your privacy with your desire to go ahead with this meeting with your man… The agency’s choice of safeguarding you needs to be the least restrictive option!
Good luck and you have every right to express your sexuality and experience intimacy. Just remember to put things in place and do everything you can to keep yourself safe.
There are a lot of considerations that go into buying sex toys that go beyond size, shape and how many speeds it has.
Did you know that the material it is made from or the lube you plan to use with it can make a difference?
Here are our top tips for making sure you sex toy shop as safely as possible.
Material
Sadly, not all sex toys are created equally as some can be made from materials that might actually harm our health. One such material is phthalates which are a group of chemicals used to make plastics more durable and soft. Scarily, they have been linked to endocrine disruption, reproductive toxicity and cancer. They may occur in personal care products including sex toys, cosmetics especially nail varnish and eyelash glue.
Sometimes these materials can occur in cheaper or older products on the market meaning that you need to shop carefully.
Be careful of porous and slightly porous products so that you can properly clean your toys and destroy any lurking bacteria. Some non-porous materials which are body-safe include ABS plastic, pyrex, stainless steel and silicone. Most sex toys are made from silicone because it is softer yet still easy to clean.
When it came time to choose materials for the Quest products, we created the range from ABS plastic which is a form of hard plastic that is chemically inert. This means it doesn’t react to other chemicals and is safe to be paired with lubricants while being non-toxic and non absorbent. We also used medical-grade silicone to create some of the toys while using premium metals for those with motors. This means no nickel or cheap alloys which will keep your toy going for longer.
While all of us are guilty of having a secret hiding place, there are things we need to do to ensure our toys stay clean and in good condition.
You need to store a vibrator in a clean, dry place as moisture can destroy batteries or the motor. Always store a sex toy allow from different materials where there might be chemicals that can react with each other. In case things have gotten hot under the covers in more ways than one, allow a vibrator to cool before putting it back into its hiding place. Keep an eye on overheating over time as it may mean the motor is overheating.
If this happens, switch it off, let it cool down before using again.
Latex
People can have allergies which means shopping carefully. This may mean being extra aware of added fragrances or ingredients in lubricants. It can also extend to sex toys in that some people may struggle with latex or where there are bits of metal, materials such as nickel can cause issues. This can be avoided with latex-free toys and also, stainless steel.
Sex toys and Lube
It’s important to note the material that your toys are made from so that you can find a good lubricant to match. Some lubes such as oil-based products are not suitable for silicone sex toys as they degrade the material breaking it down. This can cause splits, holes and fraying which allows bacteria to get into the product passing it to the user.
Matching silicone or latex products to the right lubricant doesn’t have to be difficult as you just need to make sure they are waterproof. Not only that but be careful what ingredients the water base contains as CBD for example is not water solube. It needs to state that it is safe to be used with condoms or sex toys.
Batteries
Batteries and water do not mix so be very careful with which toys are water friendly and which ones are not before you have that relaxing post-work bath. Some batteries may leak over time which means you need to stop using a toy immediately and avoid any contact with the skin.
How to clean your sex toys
So you’ve done the thing, bought the toy and shopped carefully….now what? Sex toys need to be cleaned regularly, especially after use with a new partner. But how?
Hand washing
Gently hand wash the toy with warm water and a mild soap. You will need to determine how waterproof a toy is before and also remove the batteries before a wash. Splash proof and waterproof are very different things: waterproof means a toy can go into a certain depth of water but splash proof can’t.
Disinfecting and sanitising can mean a toy is free from any nasty bacteria that may linger after a quick wash.
Avoid any harsh chemicals or overly fragranced soaps as they may cause irritation. Allow the toys to air dry before popping them back in the drawer or box under the bed. You can also pat dry with a clean towel if you need to.
There are cleaning wipes and sprays that you can buy at sex shops but it’s worth a chat with staff to make sure they are compatible with the product you have.
You can disinfect 100% silicone, stainless steel or glass toys by boiling them for three minutes. In the case of glass toys, place a soft towel in the water to avoid it moving around and causing cracks off the side of the pan. They need to be air-dried afterwards.
You can use the dishwasher with certain non-mechanised 100% silicone toys, glass or stainless steel. Although, you may want to consider not adding fabric softener to the mix. It’s also worth noting that this isn’t as effective as a boil wash.
Interested in sex toys? Why not read more by clicking the links below:
I have a high functioning autistic spectrum disorder and want to seek a sex worker to feel more comfortable around women. I’d like to use a service that has people confident working with disabled people. Who do you recommend?
Also, I don’t know how it works as I’m new to this – should I be transparent about my ASD?
Thank you,
Matt
The Answer
Hi Matt,
Unfortunately we don’t have information on specific sex workers. However, if you contact SHADA they may be able to help you more!
Sex and Disability Helpline +44(0) 7900 957 393 11am-7pm weekdays.
I think honesty is always the best policy. Particularly as you’re paying for a service so you want the best experience for yourself. If you were going on a dating site, there’s the whole debate around whether you disclose your disability or impairment straight away… but seeing as you’re seeking a sex worker who needs to be suitable for you, then I think it’s best they know your access requirements. And also be clear about what kind of experience you want – you don’t just have to be grateful that they are providing you with sex and they’re ok with your ASD. Think about what pleasures you like and see what they are happy to offer you.
I hope you hear back from them. And ultimately hope you have a great time!
Take care,
Zoe
The Love Lounge Team
Contact Us
Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern. Get in touch if you’d like some advice.
Society is a high maintenance significant other, it’s not shy about placing impossible expectations on disabled people when it comes to how we should feel about our bodies. However, it is possible to defy these preconceived notions and build your own body confidence from the ground up. Today, I would like to share my personal journey of overcoming the distinct challenges that accompany living with a disability, all while striving for body neutrality and positivity. Additionally, I proudly identify as queer and non-binary, to add a bit of extra spice to the mix. I will also provide tips and resources for you, dear reader, if you’re looking to do the same, so that you can begin to reclaim your self worth and be truly confident in your own skin.
The Before: A Portrait of Misplace Worth
Let me start from the beginning. Before my disability, my worth seemed tied to unhealthy measures. How I looked mattered more than it should have, but given my history of traumatic rejection and a life full of drama, it’s not surprising. I controlled my outward appearance because I couldn’t control my pain. The only thing I seemed to have control over was what I ate, or rather, what I didn’t. And it worked, to some extent. I stumbled through life in a blind haze, just trying to survive without many skills beyond that. I pretended everything was fine, until it wasn’t. When I became disabled, the inability to exercise and a slew of medications quickly changed my physical appearance. This was not ideal for someone who believed they had to look a certain way to be worthy of love. And so, I tried to ignore this uncomfortable new reality, plastering on smiles whenever someone asked, “how are you?”
The Turning Point: When Old Coping Strategies Fail
Then came the day when all my control tactics failed and my coping strategies went out the window. I was left completely helpless. Let’s summarise this section of my life as the “dark and twisty time” aptly named by Meredith Grey. I found myself an empty shell, curled on the floor in the shadows of my bedroom. All the ways to find my self-worth vanished with my mobility, replaced by ableist views and a body that refused to look recognisable in the mirror.
Emerging into Light: Choosing A Path of Self-Love
Eventually, there came a time, an end to that darkness. At the fork in the road, I chose to fill the void with things that shaped my self-worth from a foundation of love and belief in myself. I realised I deserved to be happy and would be okay, just as I am, without the need for change or approval from others. I discovered the disabled community and started connecting with people who shared similar experiences. It was a revelation to realise that I wasn’t the issue; it was the world around me. What an incredible day, dear reader!
Uncharted Territory: Embracing the New Disabled Me
Society expects disabled individuals to conform, but I realised I didn’t fit that mould. I wanted to be bold, proud, and shiny! I didn’t want to fade into the background. And the best part? There were no “society police” to hold me back. It felt like discovering the power to fly! The joy and freedom were exhilarating. It was time to embrace the fun!
A Critical Eye: Society’s Obsession with “Self-improvement”
Over the last 5 years as a full-time wheelchair user, I’ve had fun times and faced struggles. But it can be hard to embrace a changed body when society tells us to “fix” what we don’t like. What if we don’t want to, what if we can’t? Why are we always judged? The critical eye surrounds us, from screens to magazines. I say, it’s time to change our mindset, not our bodies.
The Struggle for Independence: A Lesson in Acceptance
Losing mobility or health can result in a loss of independence, which was personally one of the toughest challenges for me to overcome. I used to hate asking for help. I saw it as a sign of weakness but I’ve grown a lot in the last 5 years. Now I see accepting help as what it is, a simple division of labour. They help me, I’ll do something else another time. Maybe. Maybe I won’t but it doesn’t really matter, it evens out in the end. Coming to terms with this can be difficult, there may be ways to regain independence or maybe not. Take a moment, reflect on what truly matters. It could be a transformative time of self-discovery and growth. Remember that empty shell? Perhaps this is an opportunity to build something from the ground up, a chance to turn towards
happiness.
Beyond Media Stereotypes of Disability: The Beautiful Truth
While there has been improvement, the portrayal of disabled bodies in the media still falls short. We come in all shapes and sizes, beautifully unique. If all anyone sees is a watered-down version, it can be challenging to see your own beauty.
Battling Bias: Rising Above Society’s Views
But it’s a harmful lie. Our magnificent variations make us all beautiful. The curve of a body, our movement or stillness, our quiet – all so very beautiful. If all mountain ranges looked the same, why would we travel? If all trees had the same shape, who would meditate in a forest? Nature creates everything uniquely, fostering diversity and making the world more beautiful. My heart aches for those who feel unworthy or unloved. Anger fuels my ongoing fight against an unaccepting society, and I’m far from finished.
Helpful Hints: Building Connection with Your True Self
Discovering your true self and embracing your disabled body can be challenging in a society that ignores our needs. Here are some tips to help you connect, accept and respect your body.
Find your people! When I joined the disability community online it was an absolute turning point. You need people who’ll support you without the need for explanation. Those are your people. Nurture those friendships and get a good network of professionals while you’re at it, a good doctor is a wondrous thing!
Be kind to yourself. How often have you spoken harsh words to your reflection? Your brain hears and believes you! Instead be compassionate and gentle. It matters.
If you want to set goals, make them realistic. Move towards your goal with kindness, rather than with judgment. Look for guidance in line with your new beliefs. Strive for self-neutrality when self-love feels inadequate, as it could lead you to your ultimate destination.
Remember, as an incredible disabled person, you are more than just that. Your personality has many facets, and you possess lots of skills and abilities unrelated to your disability. These aspects will provide perspective, especially if you feel overwhelmed by your new disabled body.
The Danger of Looking Back: Avoiding the Nostalgia Trap
Don’t spend all your time looking backwards. It’s not just bad for your neck, but also harmful to your mental health! Focusing only on what was and no longer is prevents you from being all you can be and appreciating beauty in the now. While it’s fine to reminisce, remember that we often sugar coat the past. The key to happiness really starts with accepting our reality.
Body Confidence: A Journey, Not a Destination
Building a new relationship with your body takes time, effort, and dedication. Just like any other relationship, it requires respect and love. It becomes even more challenging when dealing with disability or chronic illness. So, be kind to yourself if you find this aspect of your life difficult. Progress may not always be linear, but we’ve all been thrown back to square one and will be again. When we quite literally don’t fit into society – in marketing, in governmental decisions, literally in buildings, it’s no wonder we find it hard to feel confident and stand up for ourselves. We are being told we don’t matter every single day – from when we are trying to buy a pint of milk through to who’s last in line for life saving medical services.
Your Toolkit: Strategies for Building Body Confidence
But the fact is we do matter, our bodies are beautifully valid just as much as the next person’s – disabled or not.
Some ways you can look to build your arsenal of strength towards your body confidence journey are:
Curate your social media feeds. You’re in charge here. Remove accounts that make you feel bad and keep those that make you feel good. Surround yourself with accounts that inspire and align with the life you’ve chosen. This is a powerful tool at your disposal, and you’re in control!
Look for support through therapy. It acts as a gym for your heart, mind, and soul, requiring regular workouts to keep healthy.
Don’t underestimate the power of a good group of friends. Talk to them!
Look up support from organisations such as www.spokzpeople.org.uk, www.scope.org.uk, and of course there’s all the community and resources available at the Undressing Disability Hub.
The Final Word: We Matter
Here’s the bottom line, dear reader, each of our bodies is beautifully unique and wonderfully diverse, not confined to the limitations of a cookie-cutter shape, and society might have a bit of a problem with that, but we don’t. Because our bodies carry us through life, they endure, they persevere. They’re a testament to our strength and resilience – we might not have wanted it but that’s what we got. We ARE strong and resilient, we ARE spectacularly diverse and that’s worth more than fitting into some cookie-cutter mould. So next time you hear yourself speak sharply to your reflection, or find you spend too much time reminiscing and end up feeling resentful of your present situation, pause. Take a deep breath. And remind yourself that you matter, your body matters, and it’s long overdue for the world to recognise that.
And maybe, just maybe you’re one to help change things – one small act of self love at a time.
Sandie Roberts, Disability Advocate, Content Creator, Writer & PT Model
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