I ended my last blog with a poem, written from the heart (by a songwriter, not me!), about how wonderful a gift that giving is. Some joke that giving is selfish, because it feels so good to do it. For me, that’s the right way to give; no strings, unconditionally. When I visit a client as an escort, I feel excitement, not just sexual, but like I do when I give someone a present and I can’t wait for them to open it, to see the look on their face, hoping they’ll like it!
I want my clients to be happy, of course. But I try to understand their needs as early on as I can, whatever they are, and some requests I get are as uncomplicated as ‘being held’. So I try to feel connected to my clients as soon as possible, so they get the best of me, get what’s best for them, and I can do as they ask. That way, we both enjoy the experience and give to each other. I like to have a chat on the phone first to find out what they want, so when I arrive, the ice is broken, sort of thing, and they can let me know if there are any particular requirements that’ll make my visit the best it can be.
I do believe, though, that a really important thing is, if it’s at all possible, to be able to ask for what you want. We can’t be truly ‘present’ if we’re distracted by thoughts of something, even as simple as needing to go to the bathroom, or wanting a drink of water, or wanting to move a part of the body to get more comfortable. And if our needs are more like, “I wish I could be kissed like this,” “I wish we could just cuddle,” or “I would like to know how to please her/him, but I don’t know how to say it,” then sharing the message becomes even more important. But things like this can be difficult for someone to convey, perhaps if speech is difficult, or if it’s been some time since intimacy, if ever, in which case, the right words may not exist. How could they? Shyness, embarrassment, fear of rejection; these are all things that can prevent us from speaking out. But I always find a way in the end! Just with a little mutually exchanged patience, usually.
Often, our conditioning has taught us that asking for what we want is wrong, especially if it’s very personal to us, and particularly if it’s to do with sex. Many of us were taught that sex shouldn’t be spoken openly about, should be kept private, perhaps it’s rude or dirty. Nothing could be further from the truth.
There are a million ways to give and receive pleasure. As many as you can think up. But the same reasons that prevent us from speaking out can also prevent us from finding ways to give and receive pleasure, whether with another or on our own. It’s our right to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh – everybody’s right, we deserve pleasure! I’m just sorry that more don’t recognise this – it’s important to the well-being of everyone. Sex is a great healer. But also sex isn’t about ‘performance’. It’s about taking time to really feel and enjoy the other person, really wanting to please, taking time to understand and find out what makes them glow. And it’s just as important to know how to pleasure ourselves, using feeling, wanting, and time, for ourselves, in just the same way.
I’ve recently begun visiting an older gent in his own home who has had mobility problems for many years now, due to an operation that went wrong. He’s such a lovely man and very spritely for his advanced years and for someone who can’t get about! He talks to me about his family, makes me tea and offers me cakes. He also makes sure there’s plenty of time for pleasure. There’s no intercourse, but that doesn’t matter. And thank goodness he understands that there’s no expectation of performance. It’s just the mutual exchange of caring, love and respect. My clients are so special. They’re all so different and mean so much to me.
A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to visit a lovely guy who’s been wheelchair-bound for 20 years due to a scuba-diving accident. He’s 42 now and lives in the care of a Leonard Cheshire facility. He was pronounced brain-dead and was in a coma for six months. He’s a miracle! He can’t walk or stand unaided and needs full-time care. However, he hasn’t experienced any kind of intimacy since before his accident and he has, as you can imagine, missed it! So not only has he had to contend with coming back to life, coming to terms with his disability, and maintaining as healthy a life as possible, but he also has all the feelings that a red-blooded male has. Of course he does! I was privileged to be his first sexual experience in all that time and it was passionate, and lovely. We chatted at first, got to know each other and had a few laughs about different things. He has a positive and inquisitive mind and keeps himself busy writing, amongst other things, and swimming when he can.
I consider myself fortunate to be in the sex industry, I’m taught so much, but I’m saddened at just how closed people are when it comes to discussing the needs of those who can’t make their own arrangements, like the guy I just mentioned. Arranging my visit to him wasn’t made easy because there’s no way to facilitate it. It should be a simple procedure so that disabled and those cared for are able to have as normal a sex life as the rest of us.
I mentioned in my last blog about carers at the care home I visit my gentleman with cerebral palsy not making eye contact with me. I can appreciate that they may be embarrassed, but I would love them to engage with me, so I could speak to them about their clients’ needs. I could help them understand that their residents aren’t asexual, and how easy it would be for them to help. I suppose it’s because I’m older, but I find it hard to think of someone in the ‘caring’ profession denying their clients something as natural as eating, breathing and sleeping. I can feel a soapbox moment coming on……