Sex & disability

Firstly, is there anyone else in your group home with a double bed?

YES – Go to that person and ask them how they got the double bed, particularly the exact person who approved it. Then go to the person who has the power to approve a double bed and make a note of the resident’s top tips about how they were successful.

But if NO and you are the first person to ask for a double bed, ask the staff who has the power to approve a double bed. Now it is time for some preparation before you meet them.

Next, imagine stepping into the shoes of the general manager of your home and picture that you have a resident asking for a double bed.

Since this is the first time this has happened, imagine the questions they will ask and especially  the things that might make them say yes or no. For example, some questions that spring to my mind: Are they scared a resident could be taken advantage of by a staff member? Is there not enough space in the home as you will need a private room?

Also, does the company that runs the home have any policies on the rights of residents?

Would it help to have someone in the meeting to support you like your best friend or the girlfriend/boyfriend who will be sleeping with you in the double bed? Perhaps they can help you prepare your arguments?

Finally, you should call Enhance the UK as they can give you supporting evidence of residents in care homes with double beds.

Good Luck! With good preparation you might be surprised at how quickly you have a double bed to  Enhance your sex life!

When I was in hospital in my own room and my wife and I asked for some “private time,” it was really easy. They just gave me a “do not disturb” sign and we used a single bed for sex.

I was impressed by how accommodating and not squeamish they were, but not all homes will have the same open attitude soEnhance the UK can advise you on your rights.

Firstly, the people who love us are programmed to look after us if we get sick, but sometimes this can go too far. If this happens, it is up to you to step in and make some clear new rules.

Changing how your partner treats you starts with changing how you expect to be to be treated.

Let’s be honest, being in hospital and having nurses do everything for you at the touch of a button can actually be quite a nice experience. One that you can easily get used to, especially if you have trouble doing some things for yourself because of your illness. There is even a point where we completely forget how to do things for ourselves, this is called institutionalisation.

I know I secretly quite enjoyed having nurses wait on me hand and foot, and then when I went home I unconsciously treated my wife like a nurse asking her to do almost everything for me. This made us both uncomfortable.

If you act like a patient sometimes your partner will react by taking up the role as nurse and treating you as a helpless hospital patient. It is a situation where it takes two to tango which means you have the power to change things quickly.

Acting like a helpless patient is NOT sexy, but the situation can be fixed relatively quickly and easily. First, as with most problems looking for a solution, you need to talk about some new rules.

We talked and agreed the cast iron rule. That she should assume I can do X myself and I will only ever ask for help if I can’t do it.

This new rule turned out to be quite empowering as I didn’t realise how I was sometimes actually deliberately making myself helpless in order to get help!

I got lazy and institutionalised in hospital to the point where I expected help all the time with everything.

So, if your partner is treating you like a patient it might mean you have unconsciously taken the habit of being nursed like one at home. We are programmed by millions of years of evolution to take the most efficient day-to-day route to living and being waited on hand and foot is easier than doing everything ourselves.

But it has a severe side effect that our partner will end us treating us differently, yet this can be avoided simply by:

Having a conversation with your partner and make it clear you don’t like being treated like a patient in a hospital and that they should only help you if you ask for it.

Firstly, the people who love us are programmed to look after us if we get sick, but sometimes this can go too far. If this happens, it is up to you to step in and make some clear new rules.

Changing how your partner treats you starts with changing how you expect to be to be treated.

Let’s be honest, being in hospital and having nurses do everything for you at the touch of a button can actually be quite a nice experience. One that you can easily get used to, especially if you have trouble doing some things for yourself because of your illness. There is even a point where we completely forget how to do things for ourselves, this is called institutionalisation.

I know I secretly quite enjoyed having nurses wait on me hand and foot, and then when I went home I unconsciously treated my wife like a nurse asking her to do almost everything for me. This made us both uncomfortable.

If you act like a patient sometimes your partner will react by taking up the role as nurse and treating you as a helpless hospital patient. It is a situation where it takes two to tango which means you have the power to change things quickly.

Acting like a helpless patient is NOT sexy, but the situation can be fixed relatively quickly and easily. First, as with most problems looking for a solution, you need to talk about some new rules.

We talked and agreed the cast iron rule. That she should assume I can do X myself and I will only ever ask for help if I can’t do it.

This new rule turned out to be quite empowering as I didn’t realise how I was sometimes actually deliberately making myself helpless in order to get help!

I got lazy and institutionalised in hospital to the point where I expected help all the time with everything.

So, if your partner is treating you like a patient it might mean you have unconsciously taken the habit of being nursed like one at home. We are programmed by millions of years of evolution to take the most efficient day-to-day route to living and being waited on hand and foot is easier than doing everything ourselves.

But it has a severe side effect that our partner will end us treating us differently, yet this can be avoided simply by:

Step 1: Have a conversation with your partner and make it clear you don’t like being treated like a patient in a hospital and that they should only help you if you ask for it.

Step 2: Start to act like the independent survivor you are and try to do everything that you can, yourself.

Step 3: Strictly enforce these new rules and refuse help from your partner unless you asked.

Take these three steps and you will be surprised how quickly your partner will start testing you like a normal human being again!

Start to act like the independent survivor you are and try to do everything that you can, yourself.

Step Three: Strictly enforce these new rules and refuse help from your partner unless you asked.

Take these three steps and you will be surprised how quickly your partner will start testing you like a normal human being again!

If you love your partner, one of your first instincts is to keep them safe and to be afraid of hurting them is perfectly natural.

But a crucial part of helping your partner recover is learning to risk hurting them during sex. Remember, we are not talking skydiving! Sex usually takes place in a very safe pace like a bedroom in your home but done the right way you can take safe risks almost anywhere. We all take risks every day. Crossing the road is risking death and even more dangerous is driving in a car, which is statistically more likely to kill you than serving as a soldier in a war zone like Afghanistan!

But you still drive and you still cross the road. The point is, everyday we take calculated risks. We calculate risks vs returns so you now must learn to take the same sort of calculated risks during sex. Sometimes something might hurt a little, or even a lot, but you must learn from that and try again. If you let fear rule your sex life it will die.

Talk to your partner about this right away, I can guarantee most of the fear is in your head and you will probably find a little risk is well worth the return of sex and connection. So bite the bullet and get talking!

There is also a simple solution taken from the world of BDSM – bondage. Use special words for the traffic light or a safe word system:

Green= Yes (More)

Orange= This is getting close to my limits (Slow Down)

Red= Stop right now

You don’t literally need to use green, orange and red. Instead you can use whatever words you like, meaning that sex play can continue uninterrupted without jarring the mood with “stop that” or “don’t do that.” You can even say “no” and mean “yes,” safe knowing your partner will stop when you use the right safe word. With this system of communication you can risk hurting someone while being completely safe in the knowledge that they are in control.

You can take the risks that help make sex hot while keeping the safety that you naturally want for your partner.