The Question
Hi Love Lounge,
I have communication difficulties as my speech is very slow and difficult to understand. I have a ‘friend with benefits’, and she has learnt to understand me better over time. However, she says it’s awkward in the bedroom, when we want to try something different or maybe alter technique, as she can’t understand me so it ruins the moment. She has to ask repeatedly what I said and it slows everything down…and sometimes stops. I feel frustrated and now feel I don’t want to say what I’m thinking in case it ruins the moment. So sometimes I go without saying what I’d like to happen.
How can we get round this issue?
Adam
Our Answer
Hi, Adam mate – my initial response to a message like this would be to say communication is key to a relationship and it will get better over time as you’ll find your special ways of talking. However, as you are enjoying a FWBs situation things are clearly different, so here are a few practical tips…
Could you maybe plan together what you’re going to do first? Yes, spontaneity can be hot but it’s not the only way to have hot sex. I guess the advantage of FWBs is you have a real chance to experiment without feeling too bad if things go pear shaped occasionally. So perhaps try saying before what kind of things you’d like to try. Maybe you will find things you’d never thought you would both enjoy.
You could also try to be expressive non-verbally. I’m not sure how easy you find making gestures but I imagine it wouldn’t be too hard to find ways of saying with body language ‘Bend’, ‘Harder’, ‘Faster’ etc. It could also be hot for you to have your own personal sexy little code. Most couples when they get into it mainly just communicate through noises, grunts and exaggerated facial expressions. I’m guessing you could do this too.
Also as someone with a speech impairment too I can confirm all my friends have said I become a lot easier to understand over time. So if this person is indeed a friend you could just get used to hanging out more or being in groups when you’re together. I can understand how things get heated in the bedroom, therefore miscommunications seem more frustrating. But if you spend more time talking to each other when you are just hanging out it may be easier for her to tune into you.
And as a general point, please never think this is your problem, because it definitely isn’t. Your speech difficulties are part of you and if she’s chosen to have sex with you that is the whole you – including your speech too. Once you start feeling bad or frustrated at yourself things are just going to get worse. Ultimately it is her that needs to learn how to understand you.
I hope this helps you on your merry way.
Ted
Contact Us
Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern. Get in touch if you’d like some advice.
Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.
#UndressingDisability