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Charlotte Faragher Archives | Enhance the UK

Nov 29
Charlotte Faragher smiles for the camera. She has long dark hair, a white top with blue stripes

Loneliness – A Semi-Paranoid Perspective

By Disability, Undressing Disability

This guest article is written by Charlotte Faragher, a disability rights writer from Oldham. Charlotte, who has had quadriplegic cerebral palsy since birth, has published many articles about disabled dating and intimate relationships.

Loneliness is something that will affect us all at some point in our lives. It is sadly true that irrespective of personal circumstance many of us will have had to tackle this issue with unflinching realism, thanks to Covid 19 and everything that has brought. Yet, I believe there are a particular set of negative voices and presumptions to battle daily if you are a disabled young person in today’s society, as I am.

Charlotte wears a red top, has long dark brown hair and a big smile

One of these facets is having to accept what my future may look like, especially as my parents are currently my main care givers. In the years ahead, without a partner or close friend to take over that role, it is most likely I would have to be placed under the permanent care of the local authority. This personally fills me with deep shame, and I have no doubt it would have a severe negative impact on my physical and mental state, thus exacerbating my feelings of loneliness.

I think in this way because it gives the impression that my disability and all its complex components are just too multifaceted and tiring for someone to handle permanently. Additionally, if I were placed in a care home or supported living at a relatively young age, I would have extra time to stew over the lack of significant life experiences I’ve had. Life experiences that would be hampered further by the reduced freedom to do as I please, when I want.

Although I understand that I can greatly reduce the stress felt by my loved ones by being a positive, thankful light in their lives, it does not mean that the enormity of caring for me will magically reduce as a result.

Romantic Relationships

Furthermore, if I were in a romantic relationship there would inevitably be times when a partner would want to lean on me for support. I worry I would not be able to help them through as effectively as I would like. This could lead to us both feeling more isolated and lonelier.

Friendships

When it comes to friendships, I often struggle to make friends or feel genuinely comfortable in a friendship group for two reasons.

1. I worry that the people I want to befriend won’t fully understand or respect the reality of my disability. I am almost fully competent, educationally and emotionally, yet struggle to do many physical activities that others may take for granted. I also think that people will see me as less intelligent and socially aware simply because of my differences.

2. I feel that when going out with friends, they have to put up with extra inconveniences such as things taking longer due to my care needs, or choice of venues being limited due to poor access.

Paranoid Thinking?

I often wonder if my friends enjoy the experiences less, simply because I am there. Are their assurances that they are unbothered by these changes to their normal night out genuine? Is it better to be lonely than experience friendship induced paranoia?

To summarise, I am aware that one way to reduce my paranoia and feelings of loneliness is to try to remember that I am an awesome, valuable person who has just as much right to a rich and beautiful life as anyone else.

Indeed, friendships are a key element to humans not just surviving but thriving. I also could get out and socialize more and stop assuming that everyone has negative and apprehensive feelings towards me and my disability. It could, in fact, enhance our relationships.

If people were more open and outwardly accepting of others with differences, it would allow me to feel more loved and valued in the body I have, just as I am. So let’s work together!

Follow Our Loneliness Campaign

This article by Charlotte Faragher is part of Enhance The UK’s disability and loneliness camaign. For tips on overcoming loneliness and for more insightful articles search the hashtag #DisabilityAndLoneliness and follow our campaign. We’re @ETUKUndressing on twitter and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.

More from Charlotte

If you enjoyed this article by Charlotte you can read more from her in this article about romantic relationships. You can also connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

Jun 07
Charlotte Faragher smiles for the camera. She has long dark hair, a white top with blue stripes

Desirably Different by Charlotte Faragher

By Disability, Undressing Disability

What pitfalls feelings and experiences befall people considered different in our society?

How best should we tell our stories and attempt to turn negative perceptions on their head, or at least encourage discussion on these issues?

What role do mental health struggles, feminism, and body positivity have in permeating the current problems we face as well as promoting change?

My name is Charlotte Faragher and since September 2018 I have been advocating the exploration of these issues through my initiative, Desirably Different. Right now it is essentially a Facebook page where I post relevant media related content and thought pieces from stand up sets, to TED talks, as well as my own views in regards to these topics.

Desirably Different
I believe the media hold a special ability to often allow us to laugh at, reflect on and question our life as we see it. And also give us the opportunity to see what society might look like, in both positive and negative ways, if we don’t alter many negative pervasive views in society.

As the Undressing Disability campaign focuses on disability, sex and relationships, it is only fair that I should share some of my own experiences.

I have had quadriplegic cerebral palsy since birth and have had little romantic or sexual attention, even though I know it is something that my body wants and needs.

 

Even though my cerebral palsy hasn’t affected me mentally or academically, I do need a lot of help physically and explicitly from others just to live day to day. This can make pursuing potential romantic partners tricky. It can prove inconvenient to stay out late at night in my current family situation. A care company is employed most days to get me up in the morning and put me to bed at night to take the strain away from my parents. But as they come at specific times I have to be home earlier than I may want to be.

I consider myself to be a strong feminist and believe every person has the right to conduct their romantic and sexual lives as they choose, but I have never been open to using dating apps. My reasoning is twofold. Firstly, some people use the apps to look for casual sex which is not something I would enjoy. Secondly, like it or not I am a vulnerable adult and if I get myself in an uncomfortable situation I cannot walk away from it as easily as others. So there is a lot of risk there.

Charlotte Faragher smiles for the camera. She has long dark hair, a white top with blue stripes

I have been in love once. I was 17 and I fell for a guy who was one of the helpers on a Christian holiday for disabled young people. I could not deny my feelings for him no matter how hard I tried. Heartbreakingly for me, he had a girlfriend and did not feel the same.

As a consequence I started looking for love in unhealthy and risky ways- it was one of my darkest periods. I’m sure I am not the first person with a disability who has done this.

I think my desire to go to such lengths stems from my view that many disabled people still aren’t seen as sexually attractive or potential dating partners by the majority of people. And those who do like us in this way, people known as devotees, are currently forced to hide this side of themselves for fear of judgement and persecution. Education is key. I believe if more of these people felt comfortable enough to share testimonies without discernment, and the general public educated, this would have the potential to liberate many.

At my lowest points I often wonder.. Do I deserve romantic love at all?

My life is rarely simple and if I did date would I be able to treat a partner as they deserve? In both the physical and emotional senses despite my disability. But then I remember it is my human right to explore healthy romance and sexuality just like everyone else. I just need to try and drown out the voices that say I don’t deserve it. Or that I’m not good enough, hard as it may be.

I hope many who read this will start to think differently about disability and relationships as a result. We are a group with more to give than many realise. More people just need to have the courage to destroy harmful misconceptions and empower disabled people in positive ways.

Thanks to Charlotte for writing this brilliant article for us. You can connect with her at Desirably Different on Facebook.

If you enjoyed reading this please share it with your friends. Keep up to date with all our interviews, guest blogs and Love Lounge tips by joining us on twitter @ETUKUndressing or on Instagram @UndressingDisability.

 

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