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Mik Scarlet

My longterm girlfriend and I are separating but she is the only person who knows how to deal with my disability

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Melissa, London – “My longterm girlfriend and I are separating but she is the only person who knows how to deal with my disability and I have become very reliant on her. I am paralysed from the waist down, a wheelchair user and am scared of facing life without the aid of my partner and the prospect of not meeting somebody so understanding. How can I cope?”

Mik – Hi Melissa, as someone who is also paralysed like you, and who had a very similar experience in my past, I can only say do not be scared. I know that I felt I may never find another love when the relationship in question ended, especially as they supported me so much. However in truth it gave me the push I needed to become truly independent, and so I was able to form better and more fulfilling relationships. I am now happily married to someone who has cared for me during some very dark times, and supports me in my daily life but as I had created an independent life for myself before we got together we both know she helps me through love and not sympathy or any other negative reason. I should also say it is vital you do develop independence as you may open yourself up to bad relationships based on your belief that no one else would assist you. I had one of those, and I was brainwashed to believe that so I ended up being bled dry financially. My advice would be contact social services and work with them to put a fullcare package in place for you. Also use what may seem as a negative time to discover exactly how much you are capable of on your own. I know as I discovered how independent I could be it changed my life. Trust me, it might seem scary right now, but it will get better and you will find that this might be the beginning of a fantastic new chapter in your life.

Can I inject any fun back into our marriage?

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“Since having a motor-cycle accident over a year ago where I lost the use of both my legs, my wife has been my full time carer. Our relationship has been put through the ultimate test, but now I want things to go back to how the used to be. Will our bond be able to remain the same? Can I inject any fun back into our marriage?”

Seenan, Torquay
Brittany’s advice…
This is a problem close to my heart, especially at the minute as I am unwell and my wonderful wife is caring for me too. It’s great that you see that this whole period of your lives has been a test that your relationship has passed, and that it’s time to get that spark back as it really shows how well you are both coping with your new impairment.

It’s testament to what a strong relationship you have. I know that it’s always at the back of your mind, whether this new dynamic of lover/carer will put too much strain on your relationship as I’ve been there. But I expect it’s much more a worry for you than your wife. I think if you communicate openly about any worries or issues you can actually build an even stronger bond than you had before your accident.

How to put the fun back into your marriage? Well I’m a big fan of role play. So why not have your wife dress up as a sexy nurse when she’s doing the caring. or a sexy maid? You’ve already got a load of biker gear, so no worries about you dressing up either eh? It’s really a case of whatever floats your boat.

If you find your impairment impacts on your sexual function you might want to read a few articles I have online on subject. These two on the website Ask Miss Alice cover the issue with a few ideas on bringing and maintaining sex after disability – – part 1 and – part 2.

This one for the website Disability Horizons explores a technique for creating orgasmic zones all over your body, which can be a real help if you loose sensation due to an impairment but can also be fun for anyone disabled or not –

My last bit of advice is to go out and find out how great life can be as a wheelchair user. I found that once I learned that I could do anything from my wheels I grew in confidence and that made me sexy. Your wife cares for you because she loves you and together you can rebuild your lives to make your love stronger, better and much sexier.

For one thing you can now have sex in every room of your house without stopping. Sex on Wheels… nothing like it!

I’m profoundly deaf, newly single and ready to hit the dating scene again

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“I’m profoundly deaf, newly single and ready to hit the dating scene again. I’ve made an online dating profile but I haven’t mentioned my disability yet. When I start messaging someone, how soon should I bring it up?”

Anonymous, Norwich
Mik’s advice…
Personally I am a big fan of being up front from as early as possible. That might be as my impairment is fairly obvious, being on a wheels, but there are elements of my impairment that are hidden and are fairly important to a relationship so I do know what it’s like to have to worry over the big “when do I tell them?” question.

I have found that being honest and up front is the best policy. Mainly as springing the surprise on a prospective partner later on can throw up issues of trust. I doubt you’re considering waiting until the first date, but I’d mention it sooner rather than later. It’s tricky with online dating as you don’t want to attract weirdos, or put people off. However in my view if someone is put off by disability then you’ve been saved from wasting time on the wrong person.

Be proud of who you are, love yourself and you will meet someone who loves you right back.

Mik Scarlet

Sex tips for crips part 1, by Mik Scarlet

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Are you all sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin…

Mik Scarlet

Mik Scarlet

Since watching the Desirability series on BBC3 the topic of disability and sexuality has been foremost in my mind. I feel the main reason why so many of the programs on this topic seem to miss the mark in my opinion is because they tend to be made from the angle of those who have problems with body image and not body function. While it is hard to look in the mirror and see someone who could be loved if your body is different, it is even harder if your body can’t do the things that society says it needs to actually make love. It doesn’t matter how well adjusted you are about the way you look, if you are filled with doubt over your physical performance.

So I have decided to do an article/a series of articles on how I learnt to deal with a body that didn’t work the way it should in the trouser department. I hope you lot are ready for this because after you’ve read this, your lives are never going to be the same again…

One of the most important things about coming to terms with your sexuality as a disabled person is learning to understand the way that your body is different from all the able bodied people out there, and exactly what your body can, and more importantly, can’t do. Once you’ve admitted this to yourself and accepted it, you can start to rebuild your sexuality.

I myself had to go through this process twice in my life. The first time took me a good few years. You see when I went into my wheelchair, back when I was only 15, I hadn’t had much experience with sex and so believed all the myths that the able bodied world threw at me. When it became plain to me that not only had my spinal injury taken out my legs but it had also made it impossible to achieve an erection, I believed I would spend my life alone. Luckily, this was during the early 80’s, when young people were fiercely political and I fell in with a group of lesbian feminists. They thought I was the perfect man, one who could not commit the act of penetration, which they saw as rape. OK, these attitudes are pretty extreme, but it let me see that not all women want sex to be around a big hard dick. I even ended up dating one of them for two and half years! The second was just after my most recent operation, when I discovered I had lost the feeling to even more of my body. This time it took much less time, so I know this works, and can work quickly when you know what you’re doing.

So once I had realised that sexuality could be so many different things I set about making sure that I was going to be the best shag ever. I read loads of books and gained a wide knowledge of able-bodied sexual technique. I adapted some of their techniques to fit with my body and this is what I am going to impart to you all. The first tip is great for both sexes, no matter what your disability. I call it…

Hands Free Masturbation

Once you master this technique, you will be able to orgasm at will, whether or not you have full sensation in your body. The key to Hands Free Masturbation is a filthy imagination. To achieve an orgasm without touching yourself you must explore a fantasy world in your head. The most important thing to understand is that you must feel no guilt at all. It doesn’t matter what goes on in your mind, as long as it floats your boat. If you need to read dirty books or mags, or watch porn films, fine. Just conjure up in your mind the best sexual fantasy possible to you, and then run with it.

The whole technique is actually quite simple. Just lie on your bed (or sit in your chair – which can be fun if you’re bored when out shopping!) and imagine yourself having sex. Not just sex, but the best sex imaginable, with your favourite fantasy partner (or partners) and just don’t stop. Keep building on the fantasy and make it as intricate as you want, as kinky as you want and as a long as you need. Go wild and be as filthy as you like. Eventually, and it may takes a good few goes, you will get there.

OK it will be quite frustrating at first, but as you continue to try and get yourself to orgasm you will notice that you start feeling a tension in your chest. This is the start of an orgasm. Most able-bodied people think it starts in their groin, but this is just them tensing up using their muscles, and because that is where their stimulation is coming from. Orgasms actually start in your head but then quickly move to your lower neck and upper chest. Keep that fantasy going, and even pick up the pace in your head. Really get down and dirty. Then the orgasm will start to flow through your body. If you can’t feel some parts of your body two things may happen. Either the orgasm will locate where your feeling ends, and that will be your new “groin”, or it will travel down to your groin and you may feel sensation there for the first time. Well not exactly sensation, but whatever it is… it’s very nice!

It does sound impossible, but the best sex organ the human body has is our imaginations, and this is how you can tap into yours. It really does work, and will mean that not only have you learnt that you can orgasm, but that you are now able to climax at will. All you have to do when having sex is think unsexy thoughts when you want to wait and conjure up your Hands Free Masturbation fantasy when it’s time to pop your load.

The best thing is this also works for the able bodied, but I say we keep it as our little secret!

Next time I’m going to go through what can be done once you’ve mastered this technique, so start your practising now!

Mik Scarlet

Sex tips for crips part 2, by Mik Scarlet

By Disability, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments

Mik ScarletLast time I explored a technique I call Hands free Masturbation. This time I’m going to tell you how to use this technique to change the way your body works. These are really things you need to do with a partner, and I fully understand that some people out there may not have one, but I hope that once you read this you will know that whatever your level of sexual function you will be able to have great sex if the occasion should arise. Knowing that can give you the confidence you need to go out searching for it… tee hee!

The first thing we need to do is…

Relocate Our Erogenous Zones

Now one the most frustrating things about having a disability that effects sensation is the loss of feeling in the bits that would normally turn us on. Of course now we can all reach orgasm without needing to be touched, we can use this to relocate these erogenous zones to somewhere we can feel.

Before we do that however, I must inform you that there are loads of underused zones all over our body. For instance we all have a kind of G-Spot on the roof of our mouths, on our soft pallet. Having this gently touched will bring you to an orgasm amazingly fast. Trust me it really does! There are others, like your elbows, or between your fingers, or behind your ears that all have quite an effect too. The best thing to do is make sex an exploration of both partner’s bodies and to find what bits feel nice.

Once you have found what bits feel good to be touched, you can use the HFM technique to make them become hyper sensitive. By using HFM while having your ‘nice bits’ touched you will find that it is so much easier to achieve an orgasm and these ‘nice bits’ start to become the point at which your orgasm stems from. They become your ‘new groin’ so to speak.

By modifying this you can also…

Create New Erogenous Zones

One of the weirdest things I discovered after I went into a wheelchair is how the sensation in certain parts of my body had become so much more. I found I had a round spot on my back, near to the scar from my operation that had no sensation on the surface skin, but was hyper sensitive internally. So when this was touched it felt like someone was entering my body, which I found very nice. I know that other disabled people I have discussed this with also have similar things on their body. Now with the technique above you can make these even nicer.

Scars are also places that can have very different sensation, whether they are hyper sensitive or numb. This difference in sensation can also be changed to create new erogenous zones.

It is even possible to create zones anywhere. You can even make one on the tip of your nose. Just spend time trying and you will see that eventually you can end up as a big erogenous zone, orgasming away merrily!

By now I imagine some of you are saying, “This is all well and good Mik, but how do we meet this sexual partner?” Well that’s my last tip. Always remember that it doesn’t matter who you are, everyone is really looking for someone to share their life with, to love and be loved by. Male or female, straight or gay, able bodied or disabled everyone wants to be needed. What we have to remember is we, as disabled people, have so much to give. We are fantastic life partners, whether or not we are able to have sex. We are loving, supportive, strong, caring and sharing. We are everything that able-bodied people are, but with an added strength that comes from living in their world. So many of my able bodied friends seem to spend their lives going from one terrible relationship to another, so just because they have a fully functioning body they are not naturally happy. Whatever your disability has thrown at you, the fact that you have managed to survive and feel ready to look for love means that you already a fantastic catch. So it doesn’t matter what’s ‘wrong’ with you, forget that and focus on all the great things about you. Go out, and look for someone to love. I don’t think it will be as hard as you might think.

At the end of the day, remember the old saying… “It’s better to have loved and lost that to have never loved at all”… just add the extra bit… “Once they’ve tasted me, they will never go away!”