The question:
I’m in my mid 60’s and am having more and more health problems of late. The last few years have been difficult. But what I find most problematic is my circle of friends not really understanding what life is like for me.
I laugh a lot with people, so they think I’m ok and they don’t seem to remember about the issues I have told them. They either act surprised when I mention things or scoff as though it’s not really that bad.
I feel really misunderstood and don’t know how to change it. It’s affecting my confidence when I go out with them.
Ali
The Answer:
Hi Ali,
This is hard when you don’t feel understood and then, as a result, feel unsupported by your friends. I remember having similar feelings years ago and my therapist telling me that it’s also my responsibility to tell people what’s really going on. It’s unfair for them to be expected to know how it really is for you when you haven’t communicated everything to them.
Perhaps because you’re jokey and smiley they don’t see the whole picture, and then when you say something that feels serious to you, it doesn’t land as it should perhaps because of the delivery. If you find it hard to hold the space and be serious in telling your story, perhaps choose one friend who you are closer to and ask to have a chat away from the group. Tell them what’s going on for you, health-wise but also that you find it hard to be taken seriously by the group. You could also ask them to be your spokesperson and tell the rest of the group for you.
Hopefully this will prompt them to acknowledge your feelings more and I’m sure they will come and support you once they know how you’ve been feeling. Another option, if you can’t verbalise it well, is to write to them (as a group or to your closest friend) and speak freely that way.
I’m sure they love and support you and are just missing your cues – then the more you lose confidence the harder it is for you to make yourself heard.
Communicate well, be honest and the love will come back to you!
Warmly,
Zoe
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