As soon as we are aware of ‘self’, we strive to understand our identity, to locate ourselves in society and we compare ourselves to others. Whether that be gender, race, age, ability, disability, etc. The ‘norm’ is middle class, cisgender, straight, neurotypical, non-disabled, academically successful, ‘happy’… But, in reality, all of these traits together do not represent the majority; so can they actually be called ‘the norm’?
‘Normal’, in this sense, can actually be defined as: “I don’t have to challenge myself or my perception of you – your presence doesn’t trouble me!”
The Covid pandemic introduced us to ‘unprecedented times’ and ‘the new normal’. We learnt to socially distance, wear face masks, wash our hands more thoroughly and frequently, elbow bump to greet each other; plenty of adjustments that we understood were necessary.
We adapted.
Covid also gave us TikTok! Two minute proclamations of ‘truth’! New barometers of social standards to compare ourselves to. Social media was already filling our feeds with unrealistic expectations, windows into everyone else’s perfect lives. Now we have TikTok’s short, snappy, funny snippets of perfection to compare ourselves to.
In the real world, language and awareness are evolving. Phrases like: accessible, inclusive, reasonable adjustments are commonplace. But they often feel like box-ticking exercises; like they’re attached to an eye-roll emoji!
Using the language is meaningless unless there’s action to back it up.
We live in an ableist society. Ableism is everywhere. Ableism is the assumption that everyone can and should comply with ‘the norm’ or face discrimination, bias or prejudice. It is the lack of planning, forethought or consideration that accommodates everyone. It is also the expectation that an individual can and will communicate their needs and wishes, to make their experience equitable.
For society to be equitable, there should be no need to announce a person’s individuality. It’s difficult enough feeling that you are ‘different’. Knowing there is something about you that sets you apart makes you feel awkward enough, without having to out yourself ahead of every new situation. “I have access needs, is there a ramp/ lift/ powered doors?” “Can my assistance dog be accommodated?” “I am likely to be ticking or stimming, I don’t want people to look at me.” “I will need to take a break every 45 minutes and I need to know where the accessible toilet is.” “My pronouns are they/them, it would help me feel less uncomfortably visible if everyone wears a pronoun badge.”
The requirement to self-advocate is uncomfortable. But dealing with microaggressions is next-level tedious. “You don’t look disabled.” “My mum’s got that, she copes ok.” “The disabled toilet’s out of order” or “You just need to move the mops out of the way!” “You’re such an inspiration! I couldn’t cope the way you do.” “My neighbours are gay, but they’re lovely.” “We don’t do pronouns here; we don’t have any trans people!” (Pronoun pins and email signatures don’t necessarily indicate that a person is transgender – everyone has pronouns! Yet declaring one’s pronouns can be seen as ‘pushing trans ideology.’ THAT deserves an eye-roll!!)
Knowing that society sees you as ‘less than’ or ‘other’ is a huge challenge to one’s self-esteem. How can we feel confident and empowered in our uniqueness, if we’re constantly facing discrimination? We end up dismissing our needs, disempowering ourselves, apologising for our presence to minimise the discomfort of others.
Instead of persisting and advocating for ourselves we say “Don’t worry” or “It’s ok.”
It’s not ok.
These people-pleasing actions are exhausting. They have detrimental effects on our physical and mental wellbeing. They reinforce the deficit model of difference and perpetrate the narrative that anyone ‘outside the norm’ needs to change to fit in. Change isn’t alway possible and shouldn’t be necessary. By advocating for ourselves and others in our communities we can influence the right sort of change. Being an ally doesn’t only apply to LGBTQIA+ folk. Consideration and respect for others is just generally cool. Why isn’t everyone doing it?
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