It is thought that 1.5 million adults in the UK have ADHD. However only 120,000 are formally diagnosed. If diagnoses are on the rise, it seems education about the disorder is on the decline. Here is what I wish someone had told me about sex, love and adult ADHD.
My name is CJ and I’m a person with ADHD.
It sounds strange announcing that you are neurodiverse like this. But there is a reason for it.
There are little to no studies on non-binary and transgender people with ADHD. Women are less likely to be diagnosed as men as their ADHD is often missed because it is thought that it doesn’t present the same way. A survey published in the Journal of Attention Disorders reported of 10,438 children, 3.62% of boys and just 0.85% of girls were diagnosed. You can also find out more in this study by BMC Psychiatry.
There is also a myth that you can grow out of ADHD. But here I am at 35 very much neurodiverse.
ADHD is a neuro-developmental condition where have trouble regulating your energy and have difficulty concentrating. The condition affects so much more than concentration. It is thought that you can have three different types of ADHD. This is inattentive, hyperactive or combined ADHD.
Symptoms can include:
- Making mistakes
- Having difficulty organising tasks
- Being unable to sit still
- Constantly fidgeting or moving
- Being unable to wait for your turn
- Acting without thinking
- Interrupting conversations
- Little or no sense of danger
A full list of symptoms can be found via the NHS website.
Why does it matter?
ADHD affects a lot of different areas of my life. Nowhere is this more apparent than in my relationships and sex life.
In recent years, support services have increased for ADHD. However, when I was diagnosed in rural Ireland in the 90s, there was nothing. My ADHD remained unmanaged and I had no idea what to expect as an adult.
If I was given the proper information, then I would at least be able to explain why some things are harder for me. I’ve tried to get through things which aren’t designed for me as a neurodiverse person. In the end, I’ve been left overwhelmed and approaching burned out.
To have a reason why you behave a certain way is huge. There is power and relief in understanding your mental health. It takes a weight of embarrassment and shame off your shoulders. Instead of behaviour being unexplained and potentially a problem, it can be communicated to your partner. Not only communicated but solved together.
Unmanaged ADHD can be serious. We are at higher risk of suicide, alcohol and substance abuse disorders and even prison. Thanks to our risk calculation issues and dopamine seeking, we can have higher STDS and unwanted pregnancy numbers.
There are 4 ways that ADHD can affect your sex drive
1 – Hypo sexuality
I suffer from hypo sexuality. This is defined as a low sex drive. I find that my ADHD symptoms such as lack of concentration, losing interest quickly and distraction affect this. It’s not that I don’t love my partner but focusing on sex is difficult for me.
It may not seem like a big deal but my relationships have ended as a result of this. I also have a lot of shame and guilt around not being ‘up for it’ as much as I should be.
It’s not always the case. In the early days of a new partner, I can fall into the ‘love buzz’ a little too much. Just to mention, I’m lesbian so my partners are usually female and all have been neurotypical. When we start a relationship, we are usually flooded with dopamine. This is the happy feeling, which we produce naturally. Studies have shown that people with ADHD have lower levels of dopamine so we are constantly looking for ways to top it up. The new love buzz gives me a way to do this. I can become hyper focused on the person.
It can help me to feel like having more sex. This is the same for neurotypical folks too. Who doesn’t have more sex at the start of a relationship?
But, what causes the fight is when I am no longer getting that dopamine fix off the person. I don’t fall out of love with them but the way I express my love changes. It depends on how important sex is to the other person I find I spend a lot of time explaining myself. I cannot train my brain into just ‘going with it.’ Even on date nights, I’ll find a way to avoid sex as my brain just doesn’t want to do it.
In turning down sex, I know I’ve caused hurt because I haven’t been able to explain why. Communication is key with hypo sexuality. The feelings for the rejected party can be hurt, embarrassment and internalised rejection. I on the other hand feel a mix of guilt, shame and internalised embarrassment that I can’t just do it. This goes on and on because guilt, shame and hurt are not aphrodisiacs.
2 – Hyper sexuality
If hypo is a lack of then hyper is an excess of. Some ADHD adults can have the opposite of my problem. Sex creates dopamine and endorphins which get the brain’s neurotransmitters going. So some people can use sex to self-stimulate dopamine.
We also struggle with risk perception. This means we may not always see red flags in people or situations. So in the dopamine rush of doing something naughty, we don’t see potential risks. I feel sometimes I ignore them subconsciously so I can keep the buzz going. We may engage in things we don’t always want to. It’s important here to note that mindfulness is a great practice for hyper sexuality. Asking if you want to do it, why you want to do it and how you think you will feel about this in the future can help.
3 – Hypersensitivity
Another factor that plays into my hypo sexuality is that I am hypersensitive. Everything can play a factor from noise, texture, stimulation and smells. All of this can make sex overwhelming for me.
Something that feels amazing for the neurotypical person may not be the same for us. I know noise is a problem for me. I need music to be playing to cover anything from breathing to skin on skin sounds.
Testing things is a great way to get round hypersensitivity. Identify what may be a problem and communicate with your partner why. Together you may be able to find your solution to the problem and switch it out. Why not have a safe word or gesture that can help you to raise the alarm if you are feeling overwhelmed in the moment.
4 – Orgasm
ADHD is not a lack of concentration but a dysregulation of it. Nowhere is this more unfair than not being able to concentrate in bed.
Sex is more than the big finish but sometimes, it can feel frustrating to not be able to get there. While there are no toys especially for ADHD adults, there are some that may help you to overcome what I call my mind buzz. I’m often so busy thinking about everything that I cannot quieten down to focus. Toys can help to bring the main event closer giving us less time to get distracted.
How I do cope?
1 – Communication
Your partner is not psychic. This may be self-explanatory but I wish someone had told me that before now. Asking, explaining and talking can stop hurt feelings, guilt and shame from manifesting.
2 – Know your symptoms
Research is key, as is knowing what your ADHD looks like. If you recognise that something is a problem, then you can work on changing it.
3 – Check your environment
If there are factors in your environment causing distress, work on finding an alternative if possible.
4 – Risk
Consent is a massive thing. Make sure what you are doing is safe, your partner is respectful and you are happy to proceed.
5 – Sex toys
Enough said.
CJ DeBarra is an Irish journalist and writer.
They live in Nottingham, England with their small cat.
You can follow them on Instagram to find out more about their work.