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Alix Zander on…..finding your gender, self and identity before the internet

By Disability, Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

How does a queer, non-binary person, who was born before the internet, come to understand themselves?

“Boys will be boys”, but “girls should know better.”

From the moment I became aware that not all kids were the same, I knew I was ‘wrong’. The way that ‘girls’ were expected to behave, the toys they were allowed to play with, the clothes they had to wear, the way grown-ups spoke to them… all very different to the world that ‘boys’ were allowed to inhabit. I didn’t feel like a girl.

It seemed, to me, that boys were allowed to behave mischievously, get grubby, be cheeky, run wild, have adventures, not consider any consequences to their actions. Girls, on the other hand, should play tea parties, dress up dolls, be princesses.

Pass me a bucket! That was not me.

Sealed the deal

For some reason, age 4, we were once sent to the toilet at play time in pairs. I was with a boy. Oh… My…life.  What was that?! He could pee standing up. He didn’t have to go through all the shenanigans of accessing the toilet via various processes of undressing. Just a quick get it out, pee, put it back, done. I was sold and I wanted one of them. And if that’s what being a boy was, then, I wanted in.

Wrong

But nobody believed me! Clearly I wasn’t a boy! I didn’t have the desired body part, and everyone (except me) insisted I was a girl. As we got older, more differences appeared (although I would say now that many are socially constructed and didn’t necessarily ‘prove’ anything) and I realised that I didn’t actually ‘feel’ like a boy either.

Alien

Cue the next 3 decades of my life feeling like a total freak. I felt I must just be inherently wrong.

Everybody else was either male or female, and seemed to be accepting of that. I was convinced I must be some genetic mutation, some weird alien, the only one of my species in existence. But I couldn’t tell anyone.

I already hated being the focus of any attention and every time I had tried to talk about gender I had been shut down. There are boys and there are girls, and boys fall in love with girls, and that’s the way it is. (But don’t get me started on heteronormativity)

No representation

Kids’ TV was a couple of hours a day, on a choice of two channels. Everything else was grown up telly – serious and boring. The internet wasn’t a thing, and there was no point trying to find something in the library – I ‘knew’ I was the only one; so nothing would have been written about it. Everyone on TV was cishet (without the terminology), which reinforced my deeply negative sense of self.

When I was 15 I caught a documentary about a transgender guy. I was blown away to discover that there were people born into the wrong body, and that correction was possible. Except that wouldn’t work for me. I’m not male or female. Again – just me then.

Internet

When the internet arrived, just like with the library, there was no point exploring my ‘condition’. Everything I had ever encountered reinforced that I was just wrong.

Until, completely by accident, aged 32, I discovered the writer Meg-John Barker. They looked like me, dressed like me, sounded like me, and they’re not male or female. M-J is non-binary and there it was… the term for it. It wasn’t just me.

Others

And it turns out, there are others. Who knew!

Artist and film maker, Fox Fisher and their partner Owl (both non-binary) have worked tirelessly to educate and raise awareness around gender and non-binary identities for almost a decade. Christie Elan-Cane has been campaigning for recognition of genderless British citizens for over 30 years. Elan-Cane took the UK Government to the Supreme Court in 2021 for the right to be issued with gender marker X passports.

The case was dismissed and the matter has since been lodged with the European Court of Human Rights, where it has sat since June 2022 awaiting even a first decision.

Pride

The intervening years (almost 20), since discovering it’s not just me, have been a roller coaster of depression, shame, disability, self-exploration and ultimately growth.

Finally I am able to live my authentic life in which I can navigate the world being proud of the unique individual I was always meant to be.

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Ayman Eckford on …. being a trans* person and having ADHD

By Sex & disability, Undressing Disability

Ayman Eckford is many things – a human rights activist, a writer, a Ukrainian refugee to name a few. Ayman is also trans* and has ADHD. In this personal piece, Ayman shares their take on the intersection between trans* and ADHD experiences, and how we can all do better to support trans* and ADHD kids to live life as their authentic selves.

Note: Ayman has chosen to use an asterisk after the word “trans” throughout this article, which denotes a number of identities within the gender identity spectrum.

There is a lot of commonality between being a trans* person and being an ADHDer. For example, most of the books about your condition are written by people who have never experienced it.

At the same time, there are a lot of people like you in the modern day media, even some celebrities are trans* or ADHDers, but despite that, if you are young, it may feel like you are the only one in the universe. Maybe you don’t even know who you are. Or if you do, you may feel doomed because the world is trying to change you.

Being trans and neurodivergent

At least this is how it was for me, when I had no idea what the world “trans” meant but was a three-year-old transgender child who was considered to be a girl but knew that they were anything but a girl. I was also a kid who was “naughty,” a kid who was always rushing and fussing around. I spent almost all my time in kindergarten running around, unable to concentrate or speak with my peers. I couldn’t sit still in my school lessons. I didn’t want any attention, I didn’t want to be different and be bullied, but I couldn’t help it. I just stood up and began to walk around the class during lessons, knowing how angry my parents would be, knowing how other kids would make jokes about me – maybe even kick me – because of it. But I just couldn’t help it. My parents didn’t know that I’m an ADHDer and Autistic, or, more likely, they were too scared to find out. My parents also didn’t know that I’m trans, bullying me for any attempts to use a male pronoun. They would abuse me even more if they knew.

For them, I was sinful, lazy, and broken, and I believed that I was, until I realised that it’s the world that is broken because of its ignorance, not me. This realisation helped me to create the first pro-neurodiversity group in Ukraine and Russia, and become one of the first people to speak and write about trans* neurodivergent experiences in Eastern Europe. I was trying to be the person I needed when I was younger.

Society lets trans* and ADHD kids down. Even some modern Americans and British journalists that accept the LGBT+ community and behave respectfully toward neurodivergent adults, are trying to silence trans* and neurodivergent teenagers, and justify all those “well-meaning,” conservative parents who broke their queer and neurodivergent children.

It is interesting that despite the hardship of living with a double stigma, there are a lot of openly trans* ADHDer activists both in the disability rights space and in the LGBT+ community. Some studies show that there are more trans* people among ADHDers than among the general population, but the reason is still unknown. Maybe we are just used to being different. Maybe, despite everything, it is not so scary to recognise one more “atypical” trait when you’ve already considered it to be weird. Maybe there is a real correlation.

Transgender and neurodiversity acceptance

And I think that the neurodiversity paradigm could help a lot in trans* acceptance. Neurodiversity paradigm is basically an idea that there is no one right way that the human brain should work, and that neurological diversity is as normal as different ethnicities and sexual orientations.

Let me make it clear: I am not considering ADHD and autism to be a disorder. I would hate the idea of research with a goal to prevent people like me from being born, or prevent another child from thinking the way I’m thinking. But at the same time, for me, ADHD is a disability, not only because society disables me but also because I need dopamine medication to better deal with everyday tasks. Of course, in a world where everyone is ADHDer, non-ADHDers would also need some additional support.

The same with being trans. I feel like I need hormone therapy and surgery to be me. In many ways, being trans has a lot in common with being disabled, especially if you have gender dysphoria. Trans* people often need additional medical support, but this doesn’t mean that trans* people are “sick” (which is why I support the de-pathologization of “transgenderism”).

Being trans* is also not about being politically left, progressive, or sex-positive. It is not about being part of any dominant queer subculture. Just like ADHD and autism, is not something that you could be “groomed into” or something that determines your views on economy, religion, and politics. When I was a libertarian right and conservative Christian teen, it didn’t automatically make me cis and neurotypical. It just made me a trans* teen for whom it was more difficult to figure out their identity.

One of the biggest mistakes that the media is making is trying to made trans* existence and trans* rights, especially trans* youth rights look like a part of an ideology. This is why I believe we can all learn a lot from the social model of disability and pro-neurodiversity movement that could really help trans* activists, and LGBT+ movements in general.


You can support Ayman by following @ayman_eckford on Instagram and X (formerly Twitter).

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