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MS sex sexual experience advice disability carer patient

Nov 21

Sex after a traumatic brain injury

By The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Hi,

I’m trying to find an organisation to help my son Darren who is sexually frustrated. He had a motorcycle accident in 1998, he had a TBI with frontal lobe damage. He has a bad limp and slurred speech. Due to the TBI, what he says can be inappropriate and often hard to understand which makes making friends difficult.

He is now 41 and spends most of his time since his accident in 1998 in hospitals or rehabs. Since 2016 he has been back in his own home with live-in PA’s but stays with us frequently too. We are his main carers and manage everything he needs although we are training the current PA to take more responsibility.

He is intelligent and humorous but has a short attention span and is impatient. Darren is registered on TLC, but they are a long way away and we are still nervous about using sex workers in case he decides all females are available for sex; I’m sure he won’t but it’s a concern for us.

Can you help us? I would love to meet someone like you face to face to discuss options and give me confidence in my decisions.

Mike

 

Our Answer

Hi Mike,

Your son’s position actually sounds very similar to mine – age, living with carers etc. so I come to this with some understanding of the scenario.

Did he openly said that he is sexually frustrated to you, or do you sense that from behaviour? It sounds like you’re really open with him and forward thinking – especially as you’ve taken the time to contact us.

On our love lounge site, we have a few answered questions that are relevant which you could also read for ideas. Here are a couple of links:

Love Lounge Top Tips: Becoming A More Confident Dater

Disability and Male Masturbation Toys

Online Dating:

Your son could try online dating. This can be a tiresome headache but can be fun too! He may enjoy the interactions and build up confidence. He can be open about the fact he sometimes says inappropriate things and the reason why – and the person can decide whether they’re up for that or not! He may find someone who enjoys it.  If speech is difficult but texting isn’t, he could build a rapport with someone via text and then they’re more likely to be patient with his speech when they do have a conversation.

The downside of online dating is rejection, or time wasting and things never heading anywhere. This is a risk everyone takes though.

 

Get a hobby:

Does your son belong to any clubs of interest? Maybe attending something like this, someone may be attracted to his personality and get to see the whole of him rather than judging a dodgy comment here or there.  He’ll then also be meeting people that enjoy the same interest as him.

 

Masturbation:

If he’s sexually frustrated and needs a quick release, I’m wondering if he gets the time, space and privacy to masturbate? I know this is a bit cringeworthy talking about, but perhaps his live-in carers need to be aware he may need to feel he can do this. Often this side of people gets forgotten about when they’re a ‘client’. Or, let’s say, people choose not to think about it.  Can he access porn by himself on his phone etc?

I don’t know his dexterity levels, and whether this prevents him masturbating, but we will soon be releasing our own range of accessible sex toys in the new year. Keep an eye out for them – we will be talking about it lots on our social media and The Undressing Disability section of our website. But the link above gives some options too.

It’s essential he has a carer that he feels completely open with, and they will support him in any decision he makes. Perhaps this could be part of your interview/induction process; have a chat with them about how they feel. It really is their legal obligation to support him with his sexual needs**, regardless of their own cultural, religious, personal values. Naturally some people will be put off, but this is such an important aspect of life that often gets overlooked for disabled people.

**There is a legal aspect with regard to carers and sourcing sex workers etc. Read the legal bit here

 

Sex Workers:

Another option could be a sex worker, but this wouldn’t be the right choice for everyone. Some people advertise specifically that they work with disabled people, and this would be better in the sense of their experience and kindness.  An organisation that we often recommend is The TLC Trust and you’ve said that Darren is already registered on there. It would enable the sexual release but not the relationship aspect he is seeking.

It really is up to your son and whether he just wants some intimate time with another person, a proper relationship, or a quick release…! But if you can discuss options with him and you’re happy to support him that will go a long way to him having his needs met.

 

Chat with us – Love Lounge Surgeries:

Regarding your son’s capacity, this sounds more complex so I agree that chatting to someone would be beneficial for you. In the new year we are starting to host Love Lounge Surgeries where you can chat with two members of our team virtually, for an hour. We can all brainstorm ideas then. It’s a completely free service by the way!

Keep an eye out on our website and book in a slot with us.

Hopefully this has given you a few ideas.

Zoe

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Sep 19

Speech and communication barriers during sex

By The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Hi Love Lounge,

I have communication difficulties as my speech is very slow and difficult to understand. I have a ‘friend with benefits’, and she has learnt to understand me better over time. However, she says it’s awkward in the bedroom, when we want to try something different or maybe alter technique, as she can’t understand me so it ruins the moment.  She has to ask repeatedly what I said and it slows everything down…and sometimes stops.  I feel frustrated and now feel I don’t want to say what I’m thinking in case it ruins the moment. So sometimes I go without saying what I’d like to happen.

How can we get round this issue?

Adam

 

Our Answer

Hi, Adam mate – my initial response to a message like this would be to say communication is key to a relationship and it will get better over time as you’ll find your special ways of talking. However, as you are enjoying a FWBs situation things are clearly different, so here are a few practical tips…

Could you maybe plan together what you’re going to do first? Yes, spontaneity can be hot but it’s not the only way to have hot sex. I guess the advantage of FWBs is you have a real chance to experiment without feeling too bad if things go pear shaped occasionally. So perhaps try saying before what kind of things you’d like to try. Maybe you will find things you’d never thought you would both enjoy.

You could also try to be expressive non-verbally. I’m not sure how easy you find making gestures but I imagine it wouldn’t be too hard to find ways of saying with body language ‘Bend’, ‘Harder’, ‘Faster’ etc. It could also be hot for you to have your own personal sexy little code. Most couples when they get into it mainly just communicate through noises, grunts and exaggerated facial expressions. I’m guessing you could do this too.

Also as someone with a speech impairment too I can confirm all my friends have said I become a lot easier to understand over time. So if this person is indeed a friend you could just get used to hanging out more or being in groups when you’re together. I can understand how things get heated in the bedroom, therefore miscommunications seem more frustrating. But if you spend more time talking to each other when you are just hanging out it may be easier for her to tune into you.

And as a general point, please never think this is your problem, because it definitely isn’t. Your speech difficulties are part of you and if she’s chosen to have sex with you that is the whole you – including your speech too. Once you start feeling bad or frustrated at yourself things are just going to get worse. Ultimately it is her that needs to learn how to understand you.

I hope this helps you on your merry way.
Ted

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Jul 18

Comfortable sex with Limb-girdle muscular dystrophy

By The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I live in the UK and I got to know you through your website.
I have Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy and my partner wants to have sex and wants me to have children.
I would like to be advised on the best sex positions meant for a person with LGMD and ways of getting pregnant.
 
I’m looking forward to your reply.
Annie

The Answer

Hi Annie,

Thank you for writing to us here at the Love Lounge with your question.  Firstly I must say that I have no experience of LGMD, so I cannot be completely specific in my advice. However, I have read about your condition.

Sex

From your email, I wasn’t completely sure if you were already having a sexual relationship with your partner or if this was to be new ground for you.  Primarily, your concern is to be comfortable and not feel pain during sex. You want to enjoy it too!  You will know what positions your body is comfortable in and to what range of movement you have.  Additionally, your partner can assist you in the movement and clear communication with them about your comfort is essential.  Explain to them prior to doing it, what you think would work for you and ensure you have the confidence that they will listen to you in the throes of passion, should you need to move a limb or such, if it’s becoming too uncomfortable.
If muscle control is difficult for maintaining a position, then a pillow can be a great aid for support.  Either resting a leg against it, or wedging it under your hips to elevate your pelvis, can all help with access!  There is some furniture and specialised cushions that can help you.  Something like this may assist you – Liberator Wedge, Sex Furniture
You won’t enjoy the sex if you’re in pain so please make sure you are comfortable the best you can.

Pregnancy

Now to your point about sex positions and pregnancy… well, from asking a midwife, she has assured me that the positions won’t matter! If the sperm is going to find its way up there, it will do so, no matter what way you’ve done it!  You may want to lie still for a few minutes after sex to prevent the semen dripping out of you, which may increase the possibility of becoming pregnant.
I hope this has answered some of your questions.  For more specifics regarding your condition, I would advise you to discuss with your Consultant as they will be aware of any other health problems that may affect the pregnancy.  But from my own research, it appears many women with LGMD cope in their pregnancy and can deliver naturally with assistance.  But, obviously, you would be advised by your own doctors.
If you need any more help from us, feel free to be in touch again!

 

Kind regards and good luck!
Zoe

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Jun 28

Helping patients who want to experience sexual contact

By The Love Lounge questions

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I have a middle aged male client who I support at home with care. He has progressive MS and is interested in having sexual contact with someone.
I would like advice as to how I can go about helping him. I have done a bit of research into sex workers and it seems like this would be an option? How do I go about getting a sex worker that will assist him with his access needs etc.
Any assistance will be greatly appreciated.
Kindly
S

The Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us, and it’s great to see that you are open to helping your client in this way. He must really appreciate that.

We have considered your question and will advise you of the legalities as well as making sure both you and your client are happy with the process.

It sounds as though you have an open, trusting relationship for him to have made his wishes known to you, and for you to source a way of facilitating this for him.  As well as the booking of someone, there’s the discussions to be had about your part in it.  Would he like you to stay in the house for safety, or go out for a while? Will you be there when the person comes in, will you help undress him etc, or would he rather the sex worker do this? Make your plan together clear, so that you don’t cross any boundaries or make each other feel awkward in the situation.  Say what you both are comfortable with re how involved you will be.

Now with regard to the legalities, the situation is as follows;

The service user must place the booking themselves and make all arrangements.  If the service user is not able to do this (by virtue of their disability) then it is permitted for a staff member to place the booking and make the arrangements for a service user, if the service user is over the age of consent and has ‘capacity’ to consent.

It is best if the client pays over any money to the sex worker themselves as the law still has a grey, and untested, area of ‘procurement’.  If, however, the service user needs physical support to hand over his or her money by a staff member, there should be no problem as long as it is clear that the money is the service user’s own, he or she has asked for this support and the service user is in full agreement with the mutually agreed price for services to be provided.

You may have already found a website offering these services, but one we can recommend is the TLC Trust as they work specifically with disabled people, so have the experience and tact of how to manage many different scenarios.  They may be on the pricey side, but this will be up to your client..

Hope this information helps and we wish you all the best!

Zoe

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

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