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Deaf Awareness

Nov 08

Love Lounge: Disabled, deaf and looking for love….help!

By Sex & disability, The Love Lounge questions, Undressing Disability

The question:

Dear Love Lounge,

I’m disabled (I’m deaf and have difficulty with mobility) and have been keenly watching Married At First Sight.  It’s been great to see a deaf person represented in Ross. But it’s been making me feel even more sad because I see how easily he’s got into this relationship with Sacha and how she’s so accepting of him, and I have never experienced that.  I feel like more of a failure – am I so bad? Am I ugly? Or is it because I also have mobility issues that people don’t want me?

I know I’m being self-pitying but I’m cross that it has made me feel like this when I should be excited that a deaf person is being seen on tv and having a successful relationship.

Sorry but I just need some support.

Sam

The answer:

Hi Sam,

I can really appreciate how you feel when you see others being able to do something that you’re really wanting to do, especially when you see them with the thing that you feel limits you.

It could be that you perceive your disability as a negative thing and don’t go out there with your confident pants on and feeling proud of who you are. But that’s never easy, particularly if your self-worth has been dented.

Have you had therapy before to learn to be comfortable with your identity and how you are in the world? It sounds like this could be useful for you. I had lots of therapy until I learnt to not be so hard on myself and have some self-acceptance and kindness towards myself. It can be a looong road, but a very worthwhile one.

Once confidence oozes out of you, people will be attracted to that, and your disability won’t be the main thing they focus on.

Whilst MAFS is great to watch, let’s remember it’s for entertainment and they have had the amazing opportunity of the experts matching them with someone. If only we could all have that! However, that’s not to undermine that Ross is obviously very confident, attractive and used to having relationships and you seeing that makes you feel worse.

Myself and other colleagues can also feel inadequate when we see other disabled people on social media being ultra positive and looking like they can conquer anything.. it’s a real thing, even for us who advocate for disabled people and have confidence around it. What we see either on TV or social media is never the whole story, this is why it’s so important for everyone to be authentic and show vulnerabilities too… if you spoke to Ross, you’d surely hear that he’s lacked confidence, found times hard etc. We all have. Try and remember that, and you will have your own story. You may be doing things that other people wish they could achieve.

With more representation though, non-disabled people will realise they can have lovely relationships with disabled people and it is not something to be nervous about.

Try and get yourself out there, socialise with like-minded people, who have similar interests as you and shine from within. That’s what attracts people.

Write out 10 things you love about yourself now and say them to yourself in the mirror every morning and night. Let’s start building your self worth and confidence!

Take care,
Zoe

Looking to read more Love Lounge questions? Why not visit our Love Lounge blog to find more questions and the answers written by our experts.

Dec 15

Lonely In A Crowded Room #DisabilityAndLoneliness

By Undressing Disability

Our latest awareness campaign highlights that loneliness is a major issue for many disabled people.

What may not be obvious to everyone is that even in a room of friends and family, people can still feel isolated and alone.

Jennie Williams, CEO of Enhance The UK writes about everyday situations that can be isolating when you are Deaf or have a hearing impairment.

Jennie has long caramel coloured hair, brown eyes and wears red lipstick

When you’re Deaf or have a hearing impairment like me, there are some situations that can feel daunting and a bit stressful. Family gatherings and social get togethers being a prime example.

You see, in a noisy restaurant with background music, or even at home with lots of people talking at once, it can be really difficult to engage in conversation.

Picture the scene. Auntie Mary is sitting to my left reminiscing about when she met Uncle Freddie. My cousin John is chatting across the table to my sister about his new job. My daughter is tugging at my sleeve with a question and the dog is barking in the background. As a hearing person you might find this experience loud and distracting. Imagine how that feels when you’re trying to tune in to one voice at a time.

The thing that most people don’t grasp is that when a D/deaf person puts on their hearing aid or cochlear implant it’s not like wearing a pair of glasses. There isn’t sudden clarity. My hearing aids pick up ALL of the sounds around me whether I want them to or not. It takes time for my brain to adapt and work out sounds and that can be very tiring. Add into this reality the challenge of trying to lipread someone with a big bushy beard, or poor lighting and it’s completely exhausting.

What’s important to remember is that Communication is a 50-50 thing. We’ve all got a part to play. It shouldn’t just be the deaf person, always trying to ‘hear’ everything that’s being said. The statistics show that 1 in 6 people in the UK have a hearing impairment so it’s highly likely someone you know can relate to feeling excluded from the conversation. This barrier can lead to a disconnect and that’s where loneliness kicks in.

So what can people do to make social gatherings more accessible?

Well if you’re a hearing person you could start by asking what a D/deaf person’s access needs are. What would make the environment more comfortable and accessible? Examples are:

  1. Turning down background music
  2. Asking the restaurant for a quiet table
  3. Asking where the best place for you to sit is, so they can lip read you

If you’re the one with the hearing impairment then you could consider educating people by being open about what your own access needs are. Hearing loss is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It happens to the best of us, myself included, and I’ve found being honest about it helpful.

If a hearing person suggests you should wear a hearing aid because it would make life easier for THEM to be able to communicate with you, that’s not the reason you should wear one. It’s a decision only you can make if and when you’re ready to.

Stay Connected

Follow our disability and loneliness campaign by searching the hashtag #DisabilityAndLoneliness. Join us on twitter @ETUKUndressing and on Instagram @UndressingDisability.

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