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Dec 05
A collection of the parts that make up the Discover wand in the Quest range by Enhance the UK and Rocks Off Ltd

Can you advise me on a self pleasuring device I can use with a complex physical disability?

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

I am writing for some advice as a disabled wheelchair user with a complex physical disability who has a small structure with limited and short arms and was wondering if you might be able to recommend any devices for solitary enjoyment. I would be able to put a toy over my penis if the item was easy enough to stretch open without too much strength required.

Thanks,
Tony

The Answer

I can suggest some ideas for you – and hope that some will be useable with the strength you do have.  Remember, it is ok to ask a PA/carer to assist you with the use of a sex toy – they can put the attachment on your penis for you, as long as you’re not erect. And they mustn’t be in the room when the toy is switched on, or when any sexual activity is occurring.

So, now for some product ideas!! –

  • We have our new inclusive sex toy range, Quest, out now.  There is a wand called Discover with a long handle and a grip handle for easier use with limited dexterity. If you sign up to the emails you get 25% off your first order!  

This is a good product if you can manage to get the sleeve on.

A couple of other options that I often recommend are

 A cheaper option would be the

Hope you have some success.  Would be great to hear any feedback.

Cheers,

Damien

Dec 05
A notepad ready to take notes with a pen balanced on top

How do I navigate my sexual needs and my live in care workers need to record

By The Love Lounge

I am a severely disabled lady with Cerebral Palsy approaching 60.

I have been messaging a man for years. it was just a general chat, but this year we have become more sexually expressive, which I am enjoying..

I have live-in care and obviously, the care workers sleep next door to me, so they would hear anything we do, and they are required to record everything they do. they would have to record that someone has visited me.

He lives in 3 hours away from me so it would just be for a meal and hopefully some intimacy when we meet up.

I have never been with an able-bodied man before, and I really want to experience that. But I am a bit nervous of his reaction if I can’t move the way able-bodied women do. I have told him how disabled I am, but I am used to shocked responses from people who haven’t seen me before.

He has said he is interested in having sex with a disabled woman and is willing to come down to a hotel for a meet up. He is happy to help me sexually if the occasion presents itself and is right.

I don’t know how to get the care worker to respect my privacy as a passionate and sexual woman – they are required to record everything they do with me and for me.

I have had a meeting with the care manager at the agency and they just said, if a care worker is with me, they have to write down what they do and where we go.

I really don’t know what to do or who to get to help with this situation. I need advice from an outside person, who isn’t judgemental, and knows that sexual activity is a human need.

Thank you for your help.

Fiona

 

The Answer:

It sounds lovely that your friendship with this man has developed into something titillating – and it sounds like you’re enjoying that!  And like you say, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will lead to something physical on the day, as you’ll only do what you’re comfortable with.

It’s always a difficult situation when you live with care when you want some intimate private time.  Of course, there are safeguarding issues with regard to the carers and agency covering themselves, however as long as you have capacity you should be able to make the life choices you want.  Yes, they may need to write where you went etc but they don’t need to write intimate details.  And really those notes shouldn’t be shared with anybody else other than your team. (unless of course a situation arises re safeguarding etc).

So, I guess if you don’t mind your favourite carers knowing, and they’re the ones you have helping you that day, then the thought of it being written down shouldn’t stop you doing this meet up. Be proud of your passion. I totally understand it’s not what any other adult has to go through – they don’t get their sexual activity documented – so it seems unfair that we do.

However, as I say, they will not need to write explicit details. So, weigh up your levels of embarrassment and (an unfortunately necessary) invasion of your privacy with your desire to go ahead with this meeting with your man… The agency’s choice of safeguarding you needs to be the least restrictive option!

Good luck and you have every right to express your sexuality and experience intimacy. Just remember to put things in place and do everything you can to keep yourself safe.

Enjoy!
Zoe x

Aug 21
Photo of two peoples feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

Seeking a Sex Worker Service

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

I have a high functioning autistic spectrum disorder and want to seek a sex worker to feel more comfortable around women.  I’d like to use a service that has people confident working with disabled people.  Who do you recommend?

Also, I don’t know how it works as I’m new to this – should I be transparent about my ASD?

Thank you,
Matt

The Answer

Hi Matt,
Unfortunately we don’t have information on specific sex workers.  However, if you contact SHADA they may be able to help you more!
Sex and Disability Helpline +44(0) 7900 957 393 11am-7pm weekdays.
I think honesty is always the best policy. Particularly as you’re paying for a service so you want the best experience for yourself.  If you were going on a dating site, there’s the whole debate around whether you disclose your disability or impairment straight away… but seeing as you’re seeking a sex worker who needs to be suitable for you, then I think it’s best they know your access requirements.  And also be clear about what kind of experience you want – you don’t just have to be grateful that they are providing you with sex and they’re ok with your ASD.  Think about what pleasures you like and see what they are happy to offer you.
I hope you hear back from them. And ultimately hope you have a great time!
Take care,
Zoe
The Love Lounge Team

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability #LoveLounge

Next question
Jul 03
background is of a cross standing on a hill in the background with the sunsetting. In front is two hands reaching out to hold one another.

Navigating Religious Virginity and Dating

By The Love Lounge

The Question

I’m in my late 40’s, and now live with my mum as her carer. I received a diagnosis of Social Anxiety. Although I have had some male friends, I have not yet entered into a relationship with anyone. My faith encourages marriage without sex before marriage, and I abstain from drinking. I am still a virgin(!).  After a few years of not thinking a relationship is possible, I’d like to give it a go now, and hope I can learn and grow from the experience.

I’m really stuck though on how to go about it. During lockdown, I tried online dating and met a wonderful guy. However, we faced the challenges of long distance relationships, and he was also dealing with his own mental health issues. I realised I couldn’t sustain a relationship with them, and look after my mum at the same time. One problem right now seems to be that I look a lot younger than my age and am immature for my age (probably lack of relationship experience etc.) As a result, I tend to connect/chat better with men who are at least 10 years younger.  When they realise my age, and that I’m a virgin, it’s all a bit much and they run!

Any thoughts, suggestions and signposting you’d have would be great.  I think I need help in navigating all this!

Sandi

 

The Answer

Reading your email, I feel quite positive. There’s no reason to think otherwise! I understand that you may not feel that though.  However, I think the main thing here is persistence and widening your search!

With online dating you need to sift through a lot of profiles to find a good one! So don’t put all your eggs in one basket basically. It’s best to get talking to a number of people at the same time and see which develops best. That would prevent you getting into a situation like the one you said about, where you’ve invested a lot in the relationship and then realise you can’t sustain it.

Now, naturally, everyone gets into a relationship and thinks it could be going well and then it doesn’t.  That’s just natural. So this is where persistence is key! Just keep on trying, get back online and find more people!! It does take energy and time… but lots of people manage it! (I end up getting bored!).

With your cultural/religious beliefs, you may want to state that on your profile so that you attract like-minded people (in regard to no sex before marriage). Or find websites that have that (e.g. NOT Tinder!!).

Regarding your age and looking young – lucky you! There are plenty of men who want an older woman so again just keep looking.  Many prefer it as there isn’t the pressure for children etc. or they just don’t click with women of their age.

Can you meet other people in your religious community, so you come from the same understanding?  Or if you can date/marry those who practice other religions, and the sex before marriage bit is the important part then that gives you more scope to look on more specific dating apps.  Also, an important part to consider, is what does ‘no sex’ mean for you? Is that just penetration? Could you do everything else other than that? You need to define your own boundaries as plenty of men would be happy to have a relationship with that level of intimacy, regardless of their beliefs.

I wish you luck and you’ve taken the most important step with being ready to give it all a go!

Best wishes,

Zoe

The Love Lounge Team

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability #LoveLounge

Next question
Apr 25
close up photograph of two people putting their wedding rings on each other hands

Overcoming Wedding Day Nerves

By The Love Lounge

 

The Question

Hi, I’m excited to say I’m getting married next year but I’m quite anxious about some aspects of the day as I’m a wheelchair user and can’t stand up at all. I’m nervous about how everyone will look at me when I come down the aisle, or when we have our first dance. I don’t want to feel awkward just because it’s not going to be the ‘normal’ way of doing things. Do you have any ideas as I’ve never seen a wedding where the bride is in a wheelchair?

Thanks,
Leanne x

 

The Answer

Hi Leanne,

Firstly, a big Congratulations!

You have loads of experience, I’m sure, of having to adapt the ‘normal’ way of doing things. It’s standard for us disabled people! So your wedding will be no different. Make it your own. There are lots of things to think about when planning a wedding – venue, guests, dress, photos. They’re all things you want to get right when planning your day. Some people spend years planning these things and being disabled can make planning a wedding more complicated.

Venue

Finding a venue that is accessible can be full of difficulties. Things to look at include wheelchair access, accessible toilets and if you’re booking a venue that guests can stay at, making sure there are accessible rooms for disabled guests. It may also be worth enquiring if the honeymoon suite is accessible as if you are disabled you should not be excluded from using the honeymoon suite if you are getting married at a hotel style venue.

Wedding dress

Make sure you spend time looking at dresses and trying them on. If you have hand dexterity issues you may need to think about zips and buttons and if you will need someone to help you get in and out of the dress. If you are a wheelchair user, you may also need to think about how the dress will look when you’re sitting in your chair. Or if you are an ambulant wheelchair user, you may want a dress that looks good both in your chair or if you stand.

Coming down the aisle

There is often pressure for brides to walk down the aisle and to have the perfect photos. If it is not possible for you to walk or you may use all of your energy doing this, try not to stress about this or let it get you down. The day is about you and your partner so do what feels best for you both rather than worrying about what others think. There are plenty of examples of people coming down the aisle in groups dancing or doing something funny – again, removing that pressure and focus on you ‘walking’ down the aisle and staring at you. But people know you as a wheelchair user so equally be proud of that and flaunt it if you want!

Photos

This also goes for wedding photos; you may think of fun ways of using your wheelchair or mobility aids in your photos. Don’t feel any pressure to not use them. They are part of you, so don’t feel you need to disguise or hide them for your wedding day.

First Dance

The first dance can also put a lot of pressure on couples. It seems the days are gone when a simple slow dance would do. Even that can feel awkward if you’re a wheelchair user. Many people do complex fun dances, maybe including all the groomsmen and bridesmaids… this may make it seem even more daunting but actually you can make this really fun with whatever ability you have. It can make you
less conspicuous too if you’re worried about that.

(But everyone will want to see you looking glowing, happy and having fun! It’s all about you!)
The main thing is to enjoy the day as much as you can, as the day will fly by so it’s best to do everything that makes you feel comfortable and relaxed. Weddings are less formal nowadays and less structured in their tradition – anything goes! So you really can tailor it around your disability and omit or add bits you want that suit your personality best!

Hope you have the best day,
Zoe and Damian x

The Love Lounge Team

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Feb 20
Image of a wheelchair user in a gym, working out using ropes

Beyond Boundaries: Workouts for Wheelchair Users

By The Love Lounge

 

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,

I always struggle this time of year with the fact that January is geared up to everyone losing weight and getting fit. It can make me feel guilty, like I’m lazy, and should be doing the same. I find it hard to get motivated and as I’m a wheelchair user (not an independent pusher, so I’m not so fit) I can’t think of ways to exercise.
Do you know of any classes that cater for wheelchair users?
Thanks,
Louise

The Answer

Hi Louise,
We can all identify with the body shaming that hits us after Christmas! Every advert encouraging a diet, or a new fitness regime. It’s relentless. Even though we expect it every year it can definitely still have a negative effect on us, particularly if we feel we can’t do what they’re suggesting.
Motivation is a hard one.. but only do things for yourself – not because the media is telling you to. Now we all know that movement and exercise is beneficial for us mentally and physically, so if you’re wanting to do that let’s see what’s available to you..

Social Media Accounts

I’ve seen a few people on social media who do exercise classes for wheelchair users.
  • One is called Ella who does wheelchair workouts on her YouTube page
We all have different abilities so you may not be able to do all of the exercises, but I think just by having someone to watch will motivate you! You can adjust what you do but at least you’ll be moving!!
It is also worthwhile checking out Wheelpower as they are the national charity for wheelchair sports: https://www.wheelpower.org.uk/
They will be able to let you know where accessible gyms are and sports teams etc.  They also offer online fitness courses.
Hope you find something that you love!
Remember it’s about feeling good in your body and having fun. Not trying to conform to social ideals!!
Happy, healthy new year, new you!
Zoe x
The Love Lounge Team

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Jan 26

Disability Dating Sites and Masturbation

By The Love Lounge

 

The Question

I have Cerebral Palsy and find it difficult to have a normal dating and sex life and would love your advice. There are two main areas I am struggling with. The first is connecting with other like minded people – I am a permanent wheelchair user but have full capacity and find that other disabled dating sites etc often try to match me with women who have learning difficulties. I am currently at University and would really like to connect with other disabled daters who are at a similar life stage/experiences. Do you know of any groups etc I can join… because Tinder really isn’t working!

The other area I would like advice on is support around masturbating so that I am still able to have some privacy despite having a care team. I want to feel sexually fulfilled, but currently this takes up huge amounts of time and energy as I have issues with fine motor control in my hands. Are you aware of any sex aids that would enable me to masturbate independently despite this issue?

I really appreciate your support with this.

Riley

The Answer

Hi Riley,
Ok, so it sounds like you’re wanting to date a girl who is also disabled, is that right? I can see how Tinder would be limited there…
I’ve found a few sites for disabled daters –

Dating Sites for Disabled Daters

DisabilityMatch.co.uk

They pride themselves on being the number one website for UK disabled singles. You could find your perfect match amongst DisabilityMatch’s vibrant disabled community. Meeting new people has never been so easy, especially for those with disabilities and you can sign up today for free!

Disabled-Dating.co.uk

This is a newer dating site for disabled and non-disabled singletons! Disabled-Dating is run by Tom, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when he was younger. He created Disabled-Dating after finding happiness online and wanted to share his success with people like him!

EnableDating.co.uk

The membership is completely free, and once you’ve signed up you can instantly browse profiles and become an active member of the community. It has a fantastic chat feature and video messaging if you decide to take your budding relationship a bit further!

DisabledDating4u.co.uk

Will put you in touch with like-minded people. The site has grown a lot in the last few years due to their close community of disabled daters.

 

Masturbation

Now with regards to aids for masturbation we have a few ideas!  Also, we’re so close to launching our own range of accessible sex toys, so definitely keep an eye out for those on our website and social media. They are remote controlled and have large buttons which can be operated with the chin if dexterity is compromised, so that you can be as independent as possible with them. This should massively improve the struggle and fatigue aspect for you – no one needs that when all you’re wanting to do is relax and enjoy!

In the meantime, check out these toys:

  • Liberator makes Fleshlight mounts such as the ‘On the Mission’ which gives the user the chance of a hands free experience.
  • There’s also the Keon by Kiiroo which is an automated masturbator.
  • The Hot Octopuss Pulse range of products were designed for people with Spinal Cord Injuries in mind to help them reach orgasm and ejaculate. The Design of the Pulse toys even work if you do not have an erection. They require no use of hands once the toy is in place and turned on. Some of the Pulse models come with remote controls which make it even easier to use.
  • Another option is the Suck O-Mat 2 Sucking Machine. Once the penis is in the sleeve it gives hands free pleasure. It can be controlled by remote control so can also be controlled by your partner as well. It is mains powered which means it is powerful, producing up to 200 suction impulses a minute.
  • The Handy is marketed as the ultimate Hand job machine which is another powerful mains powered Masturbator. The Handy comes with a dotted sleeve but can also be attached to other sleeves. It can also be controlled over the internet and also synchronised to some of the videos on the website. The handy is also compatible with a VR Headset.

And remember, you can book in a Love Lounge surgery for a free chat with us should you wish!

 

All the best,
Zoe
The Love Lounge Team

 

Related Questions

Disability and Male Masturbation Toys

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Nov 30

Neuroqueer and wanting to get pregnant

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hello

I have been looking at your website as I knew about your work on sex and disability from one of your trainers. I am seeking to signpost a young autistic woman with moderate learning difficulties who wishes to become pregnant via donor and raise a child. She also would like support regarding her sexuality; her GP has not been supportive, and I wondered if you knew of any services which would help?

She has a very supportive mother who would help her to access support.

Many thanks

Liza

 

Our Answer

I have liaised with one of our team who also identifies as Neuroqueer and they were not surprised that the GP was not more supportive. GPs can be really shocking when it comes to information for ADHD people, and they have had a lot of bad experiences with some.

So, I have also researched some support groups which I hope will be useful for the young woman you’re helping. Unfortunately, neither of us were able to find a specific group regarding the issue of seeking a sperm donor whilst being autistic herself.  All I can suggest would be to approach a donor organisation and see if they have any tips/experience they can share.

Below are a few groups where she, or her Mum, can seek support from its staff or members who may be able to share experiences of being autistic and raising a child.

 

Support Services

This is the UK’s leading Neurodiversity charity. I’m sure they will have a wealth of knowledge and may be able to signpost you to more relevant groups on this topic.

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/about-us/

 

Closer to her home I have found this therapy centre

https://theowltherapycentre.co.uk/therapists/county/12/discipline/13/autism-support-therapists-in-east-sussex

 

A.S.P.E.C.S UK Autism LGBTQ+ Community. This support group may be valuable in the area of seeking help from anyone with personal experience of donor pregnancies.  They are based up north but are looking to provide community meetings online around the country. Perhaps a call to them could be fruitful?!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/53253797142/?fref=ts

 

They offer peer support for people who identify as neurodiverse and queer.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/NQsupportnetwork

 

And finally, I found a support group in Brighton. The Ledward Centre opened in May 2022 to serve and support the Brighton LGBTQ+ community. They have started a new series of monthly meetups organised by a team of regular volunteers, who have lived experience of various conditions under the neurodivergent umbrella.

https://www.facebook.com/theledwardcentre/

Message ellis.thistle@ledcen.org.uk with any questions

 

I really hope some of these services can help this young woman; talking to peers who may share their own experiences can be invaluable and often better than mainstream support services (as she has found out!). Someone in these groups might be able to signpost her to more specific services regarding the pregnancy and donor element.

 

Good luck and let us know if you find a great group we should know about!

Zoe (and Caroline)

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Nov 21

Sex after a traumatic brain injury

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi,

I’m trying to find an organisation to help my son Darren who is sexually frustrated. He had a motorcycle accident in 1998, he had a TBI with frontal lobe damage. He has a bad limp and slurred speech. Due to the TBI, what he says can be inappropriate and often hard to understand which makes making friends difficult.

He is now 41 and spends most of his time since his accident in 1998 in hospitals or rehabs. Since 2016 he has been back in his own home with live-in PA’s but stays with us frequently too. We are his main carers and manage everything he needs although we are training the current PA to take more responsibility.

He is intelligent and humorous but has a short attention span and is impatient. Darren is registered on TLC, but they are a long way away and we are still nervous about using sex workers in case he decides all females are available for sex; I’m sure he won’t but it’s a concern for us.

Can you help us? I would love to meet someone like you face to face to discuss options and give me confidence in my decisions.

Mike

 

Our Answer

Hi Mike,

Your son’s position actually sounds very similar to mine – age, living with carers etc. so I come to this with some understanding of the scenario.

Did he openly said that he is sexually frustrated to you, or do you sense that from behaviour? It sounds like you’re really open with him and forward thinking – especially as you’ve taken the time to contact us.

On our love lounge site, we have a few answered questions that are relevant which you could also read for ideas. Here are a couple of links:

Love Lounge Top Tips: Becoming A More Confident Dater

Disability and Male Masturbation Toys

Online Dating:

Your son could try online dating. This can be a tiresome headache but can be fun too! He may enjoy the interactions and build up confidence. He can be open about the fact he sometimes says inappropriate things and the reason why – and the person can decide whether they’re up for that or not! He may find someone who enjoys it.  If speech is difficult but texting isn’t, he could build a rapport with someone via text and then they’re more likely to be patient with his speech when they do have a conversation.

The downside of online dating is rejection, or time wasting and things never heading anywhere. This is a risk everyone takes though.

 

Get a hobby:

Does your son belong to any clubs of interest? Maybe attending something like this, someone may be attracted to his personality and get to see the whole of him rather than judging a dodgy comment here or there.  He’ll then also be meeting people that enjoy the same interest as him.

 

Masturbation:

If he’s sexually frustrated and needs a quick release, I’m wondering if he gets the time, space and privacy to masturbate? I know this is a bit cringeworthy talking about, but perhaps his live-in carers need to be aware he may need to feel he can do this. Often this side of people gets forgotten about when they’re a ‘client’. Or, let’s say, people choose not to think about it.  Can he access porn by himself on his phone etc?

I don’t know his dexterity levels, and whether this prevents him masturbating, but we will soon be releasing our own range of accessible sex toys in the new year. Keep an eye out for them – we will be talking about it lots on our social media and The Undressing Disability section of our website. But the link above gives some options too.

It’s essential he has a carer that he feels completely open with, and they will support him in any decision he makes. Perhaps this could be part of your interview/induction process; have a chat with them about how they feel. It really is their legal obligation to support him with his sexual needs**, regardless of their own cultural, religious, personal values. Naturally some people will be put off, but this is such an important aspect of life that often gets overlooked for disabled people.

**There is a legal aspect with regard to carers and sourcing sex workers etc. Read the legal bit here

 

Sex Workers:

Another option could be a sex worker, but this wouldn’t be the right choice for everyone. Some people advertise specifically that they work with disabled people, and this would be better in the sense of their experience and kindness.  An organisation that we often recommend is The TLC Trust and you’ve said that Darren is already registered on there. It would enable the sexual release but not the relationship aspect he is seeking.

It really is up to your son and whether he just wants some intimate time with another person, a proper relationship, or a quick release…! But if you can discuss options with him and you’re happy to support him that will go a long way to him having his needs met.

 

Chat with us – Love Lounge Surgeries:

Regarding your son’s capacity, this sounds more complex so I agree that chatting to someone would be beneficial for you. In the new year we are starting to host Love Lounge Surgeries where you can chat with two members of our team virtually, for an hour. We can all brainstorm ideas then. It’s a completely free service by the way!

Keep an eye out on our website and book in a slot with us.

Hopefully this has given you a few ideas.

Zoe

 

Contact Us

Everyone who writes into our Love Lounge receives an email with a private answer to their question. We then anonymise the Q&A and share them here on our website to help others who may be struggling with the same concern.  Get in touch if you’d like some advice.

Keep up to date with all our Love Lounge articles by following us on Instagram @UndressingDisability or on twitter @ETUKUndressing.

#UndressingDisability

Next question
Sep 19
Silhouette of a woman in curtains

Speech and communication barriers during sex

By The Love Lounge

The Question

Hi Love Lounge,

I have communication difficulties as my speech is very slow and difficult to understand. I have a ‘friend with benefits’, and she has learnt to understand me better over time. However, she says it’s awkward in the bedroom, when we want to try something different or maybe alter technique, as she can’t understand me so it ruins the moment.  She has to ask repeatedly what I said and it slows everything down…and sometimes stops.  I feel frustrated and now feel I don’t want to say what I’m thinking in case it ruins the moment. So sometimes I go without saying what I’d like to happen.

How can we get round this issue?

Adam

 

Our Answer

Hi, Adam mate – my initial response to a message like this would be to say communication is key to a relationship and it will get better over time as you’ll find your special ways of talking. However, as you are enjoying a FWBs situation things are clearly different, so here are a few practical tips…

Could you maybe plan together what you’re going to do first? Yes, spontaneity can be hot but it’s not the only way to have hot sex. I guess the advantage of FWBs is you have a real chance to experiment without feeling too bad if things go pear shaped occasionally. So perhaps try saying before what kind of things you’d like to try. Maybe you will find things you’d never thought you would both enjoy.

You could also try to be expressive non-verbally. I’m not sure how easy you find making gestures but I imagine it wouldn’t be too hard to find ways of saying with body language ‘Bend’, ‘Harder’, ‘Faster’ etc. It could also be hot for you to have your own personal sexy little code. Most couples when they get into it mainly just communicate through noises, grunts and exaggerated facial expressions. I’m guessing you could do this too.

Also as someone with a speech impairment too I can confirm all my friends have said I become a lot easier to understand over time. So if this person is indeed a friend you could just get used to hanging out more or being in groups when you’re together. I can understand how things get heated in the bedroom, therefore miscommunications seem more frustrating. But if you spend more time talking to each other when you are just hanging out it may be easier for her to tune into you.

And as a general point, please never think this is your problem, because it definitely isn’t. Your speech difficulties are part of you and if she’s chosen to have sex with you that is the whole you – including your speech too. Once you start feeling bad or frustrated at yourself things are just going to get worse. Ultimately it is her that needs to learn how to understand you.

I hope this helps you on your merry way.
Ted

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