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Emily Yates

Jun 23

Five things I’ve learnt about my disability

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, My story No Comments

1. Focus on your Assets…. Be that a winning smile, a cracking sense of humour or the gift of the gab – there are many things that define you aside from your impairment.

2. Patience is a Virtue … Slow and steady often wins the race. Things make take more time and effort with a disability, but man, the reward is sweet (and maybe even sweeter, but I’ll never know!)

3. There are many perks to the job …. To balance out some of the shitty, painful days, there’s nothing quite like getting around Disneyland in a day, or getting to your car in 30 seconds in a thunderstorm.

4. It’s a great ‘tosser filter’ … Disability isn’t seen as very sexy to many people, but it’s great to know that anyone who is interested has enough about them to not care what anyone else thinks.

5. If you’ve got it, flaunt it… Actually, disability can be flipping sexy! And it’s up to you to show that. Go get ‘em, tiger.

For more information about our disability awareness training please visit enhancetheuk.org, follow us on twitter @enhancetheuk and find us on all social media channels – just search for Enhance the UK!

Jun 04

Planning a trip in your wheelchair? Read our top tips for a wheelie good time

By Accessibility, Disability, Emily Yates, How to guide, Lifestyle No Comments

Five Tips for Wheelie Great Travel

1. Never underestimate the power of planning…. Not all hotels on the Internet really are as wheelchair friendly as they say they are. Do your research and pick up the phone if necessary.

2.Knowing the local lingo always helps … even if it’s the odd ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, or being able to direct a taxi driver ‘left’ or ‘right’, this will make you friends, save you time and money!

3.Checking out transport is a priority …. There are many places that have accessible attraction and accommodations but appalling transport systems. Budget for private drivers or cabs if necessary!

4.Help is more available that you may think … When alone, trying to navigate strange roads, signs and attractions in my wheelchair, I’ve often been inundated with people offering to help me and show me around. Less accessible places can definitely create lasting friendships.

5.Make sure you’re aware of any perks that may come your way… Whether you’re going to a cinema or theme park, alone or with company, it’s very rare that concessions are not available wherever you are in the world. Make sure you use them!!

Oct 19

“I’m a single mum and I suffer chronic pain and spinal problems…”

By Emily Yates, Mik Scarlet, The Love Lounge No Comments
 Hello there,I’ve just read an article about your organisation and wondered if you could help me. I’m a single mum and I suffer chronic pain and spinal problems and things are hard. The pains debilitating and I’m very lonely. Is there any service you can offer me, put me in touch with likewise people with disabilities. I’m not sure if this is something you offer.
Kindest regards, Rachael

 

 Hi Rachael, many thanks for writing in to us at the Love Lounge.
Sorry to hear of your struggles, but great that you’ve written in to us, and you’re wanting things to change.
Pain is such a tough thing to deal with, and for us to give advice on, as it really does differ for everyone! If it’s really debilitating and affecting your life so severely, I’d suggest having a chat with your doctor to see if anything else can be done. In terms of getting yourself out there and kicking that loneliness into touch, what really works for several people I know is planning ahead – having dates in the diary to look forward to, and being able to factor in ‘rest days’ or even ‘rest hours’ into your day so that these dates in the diary (hopefully) end up being events you can attend and enjoy without too much pain or worry.  When there isn’t anything huge to look forward to, could your friends come to you instead of meeting you for coffee in town, just so you can socialise and still be in control if pain really strikes?
It’d be great to know more about you – do you use any mobility equipment to get around, and can certain friends or family members be at hand to accompany you on a girly shopping afternoon, or take single mum pressures off you when you need some ‘me’ time, even if that’s relaxing in front of the TV?!
In terms of dating, I’d recommend boosting your confidence a little by taking some lovely photos of yourself, writing up a positive profile about what you enjoy, and trying online dating.  It’ll get conversations going, you can do it from the comfort of your own home and, you never know, these online conversations might turn into dates for your diary! 🙂
If they do, please let me know! There’s lots of equipment out there that can also help with chronic pain in the bedroom….
Wishing you lots of luck,
Emily x

 

Hi Rachel,
I know how you feel, as I experience high levels of pain. It is something that can get in the way of every part of life, especially intimacy. It’s tough to feel sexy when just being touched hurts. However, I must say that sex is also a fantastic method of pain relief, so don’t think that being in pain will stop you from being intimate with someone. I have found that sex alleviates pain, and this can last for some time. Not always but some times.
On the dating front, I must admit I’m way out of touch with dating in today’s world. I’ve been married for ten years, to the woman I’ve been with for twenty. But I have always lived with pain, ever since my spine collapsed and so know how it can make you feel you might not be the catch of the year. Don’t let that thought colour the way you act. The right person will be supportive, but I found along the way to finding the right person that even a few wrong ones are understanding around pain. They might have been wrong for other reasons but most people seem to understand that pain might make you feel off now and then.
The whole online dating scene is alien to me, but if you fancy trying old school dating try finding activities you enjoy. Then when you are doing them socialise and et voila, you may find Mr Right. I met my wife like this, and it allowed us to stay together as we have so much in common. Emily’s advice around building schedules that allow you to recover is vital. It’s how I have built a successful life. I work, or party or whatever, and then I book some time off to recover. I’m writing this from my sofa, after returning from a holiday. I even book time off to recover from holidays! This is the best technique for beginning to get out now and then. Arrange something that you really fancy doing, do it, and then give yourself the time to recover… and never knock yourself for needing this time. Your health is vital and you should never feel bad for needing recovery time. As you go out more, your confidence will grow. Sure they’ll be knock backs, times when the pain wins out, but you will be in control, not the pain.
Another technique I tried which changed my life was mindfulness. This meditation technique sounded far to hippy dippy for me, but as you know sometimes pain can get so bad you’d try anything. It set me free! Ask your GP to see if they run Mindfulness for pain in your area. It allows you to develop a different relationship with your pain and when it gets bad you can use it to lessen it’s impact. Can’t sing it’s praises too highly. Mik.
Jul 20

“I can’t help thinking that any move that is made on me is a bit of a joke or a dare…”

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

To the Love Lounge,

My name’s Alex, I’m 26 and a wheelchair user.  I’m really lucky – whenever I go out loads of girls come up and chat to me and they’re really interested in me.  I know that I’m reasonably good looking, but I can’t help thinking that any move that is made on me is a bit of a joke or a dare?  It’s always in the back of my mind when someone pretty is chatting to me, and it needs to stop. Please help!

Hi Alex,

What an interesting post, thanks so much for sharing this with us.  The answer to this is simple, but I don’t know whether it will give you the solution you’re looking for.  Basically, society has made us feel that, as disabled people, we are less attractive and our bodies are ‘broken’ – nowehere near sexy or desirable!  It’s a really tough cycle to rebel against, but these girls that are coming up to you obviously think you’re sexy AND desirable!!  The trick is to focus on your assets rather than your wheelchair.  You’ve said it yourself – you’re good looking, I’m sure you can make great conversation and crack a joke or two.  This is so much more important to many people than whether you’re standing or sitting. And even then, if you do get the odd joke or dare approach, who’s attitude needs to change? It certainly isn’t yours 🙂

Best of luck in your journey to love,
Em x

Jul 07

“Will sex hurt with my Cerebral Palsy?”

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

Dear Emily,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, and it’s time for us to go the next step and have sex. I have cerebral palsy, affecting my arms and legs, and I’m terrified that I don’t know what to do, whether it will hurt, and whether it’ll be good for both of us.  Do you have any advice for me please?

Thanks,
Katie.

Hi Katie,

Thanks so much for writing in.  This is something that is a real worry for many people, and it was for me, too! I also have CP, so can hopefully give you some good advice.  Firstly, it’s great that you and your boyfriend are in a stable relationship and are ready to move to the next stage, but my first bit of advice is that you should talk about what’s going to be your first time.  It shouldn’t be the elephant in the room!! Hopefully chatting about sex and knowing that your boyfriend loves you and won’t ever intend to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable should put you at ease.  Is your boyfriend disabled too, or able-bodied? Is this also going to be his first time? This will obviously affect how you talk about certain positions and the logisitics of ‘doing it’.  In terms of ‘knowing what to do’, talking frankly to family members really helped me.  I was really honest with my sister, mum and auntie, and spoke to them about my worries.  They all told me about positions and movements that they thought would be the easiest and least painful for me, but to be honest, you and your fella should be comfortable enough with each other to talk through everything and willing to change positions at any moment if they aren’t working out for you.  Communication is the key.  The first time probsbly won’t be red hot fireball passionate sex, but that will come once you’ve found your ‘rhythm’. In terms of pain, the more you relax and communicate, the less it will hurt.  If it does hurt, it’s simple: stop, talk, and try something different.  The worst thing you can do is keep going in the hopes it’ll get better!  If you’re confident and comfortable going into it, I’m sure it’ll be really great for you both.  If it isn’t, you can always try something new next time! Good Luck 🙂

Em x

Jun 23

“How useful can I expect disabled dating sites to be?”

By Emily Yates, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

Hello Emily,

First of all I think it’s a great campaign as disability and
relationships need to be open with increased awareness. I am 25 with mild
CP I enjoy skiing and going to the gym. I am slightly addicted to spin
classes! I have a small group on friends who all have girlfriends and
are slowly getting married. I have tried a number of speed dating
events including silent dating, blindfolded dating and online dating.
I have been honest about my disability in my profile, and have
received 0 messages I gave wrote about 50 I am not surprised by this.
I am wondering if you have any advice on where to meet women who would
be willing to overlook my slightly different walking gate? I am
finding it hard to accept people’s negative views and narrow
mindedness. I have been tempted to sign up to these dating agencies :
one has been used on the undateables on channel 4. Have you heard any
reviews of there usefulness? I have given up on online dating and the
use of tinder as they are so image focused. I look forward to hearing
from you.
Kind regards,
Peter.

Hi Peter,
Apologies for the delay in replying – this one is tough as, unfortunately, we live in a very image conscious society ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating!!!
Great that you have so many interests and you’re getting yourself out there and doing what you love; that’s half of the battle!  Are you involved in any groups or classes that relate to your skiing or love of fitness? This is often a great way to meet people as there’s a mutual interest to focus on straight away.  What else are you interested in? Travel? Music? Volunteering? These are all great ways to meet people too!  I play wheelchair basketball, and made some amazing friends through that (and even had a couple of relationships….) Have you thought about joining a club near you?
I’m afraid I can’t comment on the usefulness of any particular dating sites, but I will say that you’re much more likely to be successful in your search for love if it is your personality that shines through first, rather than just the way you look/walk.
There’s been many ways that disabled people have played the game of online dating, many have even experimented to see how many responses they get when their disability isn’t photographed or mentioned on their profile at all.  I’m not suggesting you do this, but it is an option!
Maybe online dating just isn’t for you.  And that’s fine! But someone, somewhere will be for you, you’ve just got to keep trying (however tedious and lonely that can seem at times).

Let me know if you want to chat some more; I can even introduce you to your local Wheelchair Basketball team if you’re interested?
Hope this helps, and good luck!
Emily x

 

Dec 16

“I have cerebral palsy and can count my sexual experiences on the fingers of one hand.”

By Disability, Emily Yates, Lifestyle, Mik Scarlet, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

“You invite people to share their stories of sexuality.
I have cerebral palsy and can count my sexual experiences on the fingers of one hand. A psychiatrist once tried telling me this was because I was sexually deviant. I did not argue, but I felt he was mistaken and that he had no basis for advising me because he was not disabled and had not had any experience remotely related to disability.I would genuinely like to know how much you relate to this experience and its point of view. Thank you very much indeed.​” – James

Emily – “Hi James, many thanks for writing in.
From one with CP to another, I can absolutely relate to your story.Seeing as ‘deviant’ really means ‘differing from the norm,’ we’re probably all sexual deviants in our own ways, and this should in no way be seen as a negative thing.  The problem is, the psychiatrist that you spoke to definitely displayed it negatively!

As I don’t know the psychiatrist, I can’t tell you whether he was capable of advising you or not, but what is coming through loud and clear is that fact that he seemed to give you little option to define for yourself what you sexually ‘were’ or ‘were not’.  And that’s a problem that plagues society as a whole.
For example, society (in general) sees fewer sexual experiences as something to be ashamed of, society (in general) sees disability as an asexual concept, and these are the things that we are desperately trying to change.

In short, I sincerely hope that experiences like yours become fewer and more far between.  Do write back in if you’d like any advice on any other aspect of disability, sex or relationships. Wishing you a lovely festive season, Emily x”

Mik – “Argh James, the old “you’re deviant due to your disability” line eh? It is true that many non-disabled people seem to find the things that disabled people sometime need to, or want to, do disconcerting. They like to say it is because they consider what ever fantasy or sexual predilection we admit to as being kinky, but I really think it is because they are uneasy with us wanting to not have sex but enjoy it. Those in the medical and social professionals can be the worst, as they really think they understand disabled people as they have learned about us during their training. It takes a really skilled and rounded “expert” to be able to explore their own feelings around disability and sexuality, and to come out the other end being able to admit that we have all the same wants, dreams, desires and even fetishes as any non-disabled person might do. I would say never let anyone tell you are deviant, unless you are into some really weird shit.

 I have had the exact same experience just on a much more public scale. In the mid 90’s I was a well known TV presenter. I also sang in a rock band and we played on the fetish scene a lot. The Daily Mail ran a story “outing” me for being into kinky sex, yet only a year earlier the News Of The World ran a story with the headline of Wheelie Sexy, claiming they had found this new disabled sex symbol singer and presenter. What it seems is that if you appear sexual as a disabled person that’s fine, but if you actually have sex and know what you might want out of sex then that’s just sick. It taught me that the wider public really do find the subject of disability and sex frightening and confusing, but then they are a repressed bunch mostly.
As well as being freaked out if disabled people express an interest in experimenting with sex, many people find the fact that we might need to try different stuff due to our specific physical needs equally troubling. I have written several articles on how many of the techniques used by disabled people to enable them to have sex would be of benefit to the wider non-disabled community but they are only ever featured in speciality magazines. The mainstream press find the whole idea of us teaching them something to bizarre to accept.
Without knowing what exactly it was that caused you to be called a deviant, all I can say is if you really are into fetishism or any other left field sexual activity, why try visiting a local fetish club. It’s one of the few places where people accept you as a sexual entity, and you might find someone that thinks what you are into is perfect match for them.
I should also like to say that only being able to count your sexual partners on one hand is not a bad thing. I don’t know how old you are but until I was nearly 30 I could have done the same with fingers to spare. Even today I could only use both hands and I was a famous TV presenter. It’s not the quantity that matters, but the quality. I’d much rather have a few great nights to remember than a succession of crap shags.”
Dec 01

“I have Muscular Dystrophy and my girlfriend has Cerebral Palsy…”

By Emily Yates, My story, The Love Lounge No Comments

“I have muscular dystrophy and my girlfriend has cerebral palsy. We’ve been together 7 months and we need advice as to moving forward and getting more intimate. We both have severe disability and limited movement.” – Richard

Hi Richard,

Great to hear from you and many thanks for contacting the Love Lounge.  Finding intimacy that works can undoubtedly be more difficult when you and your partner both have a disability, but certainly not impossible! I have Cerebral Palsy myself and I am currently with an able-bodied partner, but I have had very fulfilling sexual relationships with other disabled partners too.

The biggest and best bit of advice I can give to you regarding taking steps forward in terms of intimacy is… talk to each other.  Finding out what works and what doesnt with sex is always going to be a method of trial and error.  When you are trying different positions, for example, make sure that you are both always communicating with each other to confirm you’re both happy, comfortable and enjoying what’s going on.

A wonderfully intimate relationship does not have to include penetrative sex either.  I’ve had some amazing sex without having intercourse.  Get comfortable laying with each other and telling each other what feels good and what you’d like to try.  Certain sex toys might make things really enjoyable whilst also allowing you both to be comfortable and not too physically active too soon.  Funnily enough, I’ve just been told about a voice-controlled vibrator that might help those with limited movement.  See what you think!http://www.honour.co.uk/silicone-voice-activated-vibrator-amy.php#long-description

Additionally, to help make certain positions more comfortable, check out Liberator ramps and wedges (a little on the pricey side, so they might just give you a bit of inspiration of similar products you could use at home) http://www.liberator.com/wedge-ramp-combo.html

Really hope this helps.  Please let me know how you get on and if you need anymore specific advice, just shout! 🙂

Emily x

Nov 19

“My parents have always been over protective of me…”

By Disability, Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

“My parents have always been over protective of me because of my disability which leaves me with limited movement in my joints and reliant on a wheelchair. But now I’m 17 I’ve gotten a lot better at navigating everyday tasks and I’m a lot less dependant on my parents. Last year I even started school for the first time after being home schooled and I even met a guy who wants to go on a date with me. But unfortunately I really don’t think my parents will let me as they’re too protective. How can I sway them? I can’t exactly sneak out undetected!” Hayley – Nottingham

 

Hi Hayley.  This a real tough one.  It’s understandable that your parents are a little too protective due to your disability, but they should also recognise your new found independence and your desire to go on dates like any other 17 year old! The fact that you’ve now started school is a huge step, and I hope that’s going really well for you.  In terms of the date, I think you need to find a compromise that both you and your parents are comfortable with.  I don’t think sneaking out or being dishonest is the best way forward, but you should absolutely talk to them about how you feel.  Say that you really appreciate the fact that they care so much about your wellbeing, but that it’s also important that you challenge yourself ever now and then, and do things that, up until now, you might not have had the ability or confidence to do.  Find a common ground with your parents, perhaps say that you would be happy for them to drop you off on the date and pick you up at a certain time, then at least they know that you are safe, which I’m sure will be their main concern! I’m sure the guy that wants to take you out is lovely and understanding, so perhaps also explain to him the fact that your parents are a little worried.  He might be happy to reassure them with a phone call, or go over to your house to meet them beforehand.  Really hoping that all goes well for you, you deserve it!

Emily x

Nov 19

“I’ve just started seeing an amazing girl in the year above…”

By Disability, Emily Yates, Lifestyle, The Love Lounge No Comments

“I’ve just started seeing an amazing girl in the year above from school. She knows I’m partially blind and it’s never been a big deal. But one of the only places we can hang out is at the cinema which doesn’t have many accessible movies with audio description. I don’t want her to get bored with me! What other fun cheap dates could I take her on?” 

Matthew – Liverpool

Hi! Some of my most memorable dates have been the cheapest! It’s great that you want to mix it up a bit, and I’m sure she will love the date, whatever it is that you decide to do.  I always thing it’s wonderfully interesting when you show somebody else ‘your world’, and introduce them to things that they’ve never experienced before.  I play wheelchair basketball, and have taken my boyfriend to a game with me.  He’s able-bodied, and we’ve just started taking wheelchair ballroom dance classes! He loves it, as it’s something that only I have been able to show him.  Do you take part in any similar classes or clubs that you could introduce your girlfriend to? They’re often free which is a huge plus! Failing that, going for a homemade picnic is always a winner! Or how about going back to basics and having a board game day at your house?! Totally free and SO MUCH FUN.

Emily x

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